WVVicki

Hey all. I've come to the sad conclusion that I'm being cheated on. I don't know how to deal with this. I'm sitting here with a broken heart. He's on the couch passed out. Why do I keep trying? I'm so stupid. How many chances do you give someone? Every time it's a lie. I looked at his phone a little while ago, and .... the sad truth was right there. There are very few people that like phone calls at 4 am. But he made quite a few of them to someone. I seem to think he is somewhat sane when sober, but is he really? I have tried and tried to make things right between us. It never works. feel like I don't know what I'm doing anymore. My life is a mess.

wonderingfriend

I'm sorry, I understand the feeling. I know the pain, the hope that you are wrong. But having been cheated on more than once (obviously *I* have a problem in picking these people?) I know that you have to trust yourself. If he isn't willing to make a change/effort then you shouldn't be willing to put up with it.
Easier said than done I know........

Pelican

Hi Vicki,

You are not alone. We understand.

Remind yourself:

You did NOT Cause this!
You can't control this
You won't cure this.

You did NOT Cause him to cheat! You did NOT Cause him to cheat!

Can you go somewhere today? Removing yourself from the alcoholic quacking that will start later may help keep your head clear.

You deserve to be loved and respected.
You are important.
Your life matters.

How can we help you today?
Can you find an Alanon meeting nearby?
Do you have a counselor or friend you can call?

Hang around here and read and post as much as needed. We understand and we are here to support you!

(((hugs)))

SoloMio

I also know what you're going through. He is probably seeking out something he's not going to get in your marriage: someone to drink with. My AH was always on the prowl especially when he had been sober for a long time, wanted/had relapsed, and needed a double life to maintain his "relationship" (for what that was) with me and his relationship with alcohol.

I remember how devastated I was, too. In my case, he had adamantly refused to go to a family function. I couldn't figure out why, but I said OK--happy I wouldn't have to drag a miserable mope with me. I even left my daughter with him. When I returned my daughter said something about "the lady" and I learned that he had THE NERVE to invite his gf to OUR HOUSE, go to OUR SWIM CLUB and bring OUR DAUGHTER with them while I was away.

I think I was more devastated at the blatant invasion than I was at any personal hurt. He had even removed the family pictures from the living room. Honestly, the sick part was that I didn't even really care that much about the gf--it kept him out of the house while he was drinking. But the fact that he could be so bold and disrespectful and hurtful floored me. As time went on, it also floored me that I turned a blind eye after that. But I was so determined to keep the family "together" that I put every feeling I had on a shelf in the closet.

Sorry to digress... but my point is, the drinking probably opened the door to the infidelity. If I were going through this again, I would get to a counselor asap to help me sort my feelings and then decide what kind of life I want for myself.

transformyself

What? Do they all work out of a cheaters handbook? My AH refused to go on a week long vacation with me and the boys. While I was gone he brought his girlfriend over, made her dinner. I confronted him when I got back because I knew, somehow, that he had brought a woman into our hosue

I'd been through this with him before, had found a very helpful site for this it's called survivinginfidelity.com, so I knew he had to GO, that if I stayed and was "good" in the hopes that he would "pick me" that he would just play the two of us forever.

I threw him out. Screamed. It was ugly. He moved in with her, and when I filed for divorce three months later, he wanted to come home and reconcile.

I urge you to go to al anon, visit the website I mentioned. Playing his game will damage you forever-at least that's what happenned to me.

Now I'll give you advice, which is usualy frowned upon here as we can't work others programs for them.

I know your heart is broken. Be strong. Get angry.

You can either not confront him right away and continue to gather evidence, or confront him now-but you have to be schooled on how to do it because remember, they have their handbook to guide them.

He'll lie, twist things around and try to convince you it's all in your head. Do not believe a word he says, no matter how much you want to. Throw him out, tell him he's got to go.

I'm very sorry you're dealing wtih this, but the good news is you do have choices. Controlling him just isn't one of them. Protecting you and your family is.

vujade

Oh, they go so hand-in-hand. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I remember the pain and anger of when I found out about AH's affair. It was the ONE thing I thought he wouldn't do. I went through SOOO much with him - forgave SO many other indiscretions (drinking, drug use, money issues) but I always said that we had this indescribable love for each other and I knew he would never cheat on me. Turns out, I was so very wrong and when I took a step back, I realized that it is part of the progression for many A's.

I have recently described addiction as a cancer of the soul. It slowly erodes the spirit of anyone in its path, if allowed. For the addict, each time they use, each time they are confronted, their addiction takes another bite of their self-worth. In my AH's case, he found a woman who oohed and ahhed over him. She was completely unaware of his addictions (or at least in denial like so many of us were in the beginning) and made him feel a confidence he hadn't felt in so long. He told her that I didn't love him. That I was only in the marriage for our kids. That I didn't appreciate him and thought he was a loser. She told him that she thought he was amazing and sexy and strong, and THAT is what he was attracted to. And unfortunately, it was something I could no longer give him because I didn't feel those things.

After a couple of weeks, the shock and anger subsided. Now, I am almost thankful for it. I forgave him. I forgave her. And I moved on. Somehow it was the final act that made me realize that I could no longer live as we were.

If you can take one thing away from my ramble here, please be kind to yourself and know that it is not a direct reflection on you. You are beautiful. You are loving. You are smart. You are a good person. He is just sick and he is doing everything he can to fill a very empty place. Sadly for this woman...she thinks its HER that can fill it. We are the lucky ones who know that it can't be filled by anyone outside of the A.

It is not OK to cheat on a spouse. Understandably, we feel so indignant about the fact that we have stood by them through all the years of pain and then some other person steps in. But I realized it happened when I finally detached and kept my energy for ME. When he was no longer leeching that from me...he had to find a new outlet.

HUGs to you! When you get some distance from it, you will know what is right for you.

Cyranoak

What will your life be like if you stay? What will your life be like if you go?

WVVicki

Thank you everyone. What a terrible morning. He woke up earlier and was talking on his phone.. That was a few hours ago...He just came in and asked me where his phone is. He is accusing me of taking it. I didn't. It is wherever he left it. I can't handle this today. I know I am done here, but I can't leave today. I wish I could. For now, I'm sad and hurt. I don't even want to try and talk to him about it. What's the point? He is who he is. So be it. How rude and nasty he is being. The side of him I didn't want to see.I wish I had the darn phone so I could give it back to him. The drunken fool. I don't even care to go help him find it. It should ruin my day that he misses a call from his girlfriend? I don't think so....

theuncertainty

Hugs, WVVicki. I'd left XAH but was still married when I found out the 'friend' he moved in with was much, much more. But he was still trying to reconcile, was still telling me he's looking for his own place, was moving out and had the boxes and everything. I was thinking it was still a possibility. He told her we were already divorced.

I found out from our DS. "Daddy and GF kiss on the lips a lot." "Daddy sleeps in GF's bed." A-hole continued to deny it, told me and son that he was full of it and didn't know what he was talking about (basicaly called our son stupid). That he loved me and wanted to work it out. He continued to say he was moving out. (Basically told me I was too stupid to see through the lie.)

I felt like some one had taken a sledge hammer to my heart.

After the shock of the pain faded, it was the the wake up call I needed that he was never going to change; that his behavior and the way he treated me before was never different and would never be different. It was a deal breaker. No more

Take time for yourself. Can you go visit family or friends for a bit? Give yourself time to get a little bit past the extremely raw feelings and then think about what to do. Or don't think and just kick his a-- out and then give your self time. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself. (Take care of yourself. - That's all you have to do: just breathe and take care of yourself.)

Gentle hugs.

WVVicki

Will this day ever end? He has taken my phone hostage until I give his back to him. I dont have it and am so tired of hearing about it.... Everytime I walk out into the living room he asks me if for his phone back....It's getting on my last nerve. I'm going to go lock myself in the bathroom for a while and take a bath. I'm not in a position to kick him out. We live in a house owned by his parents. They aren't on my side. So, I'm stuck for the moment. But that's okay. It has to be. We have a four year old that needs me. i just wish I wasn't in this mess. I haven't mentioned the calls he made.. I don't think I even care. I dont want to hear the lies and excuses. I guess I have to wait for him to go to sleep so I can go get my phone back. How sad....I feel like I'm back in high school..

Carol Star

I hope you can go somewhere else soon. I wouldn't trust him again. This cannot be good for your health/stress level. I hope you have a supportive friend or some family you can go to. It may be good to get some legal advice too. Two lawyers talked to me free.

atalose

After having had to share a home with my ex-husband for most of the 18 months the divorce took I can tell you I wished I had moved out and in with family or a friend. The emotional toll it took on me kept me drained and willing to concede too many things during the divorce just to make it all go away. My attorney made the move toward having him removed from the home and he suddenly found a place a go. Once he was out of my daily life I got my sanity back and found a new level of strength.

Start making your exit plan, begin to copy important papers and keep them someplace else like with a friend or with your family.

theuncertainty

I just have to say: he is acting so juvenile. It reminds me of my son and nephew playing together when they were younger, like ages 4-5. "But he took my Lego first!". "No, he started it!"

Yep, I wish I hadn't listened. When he got past all of the lying to the excuses, it was all my fault.

I just wanted to share that I left him because we were renting from his dad and sister. DS was 3 when we left. It was hard. But as I pondered living with or leaving Now-XAH, I realized that I was already parenting alone, I was already supporting our family monetarily alone. It took me a while to leave once I decided to, I had to plan it and save for security deposit and rent.

There was more involved with my decision; a lot of factors unique to my situation. Whatever decision you make will be the decision you need to make.

transformyself

He sounds unstable.

I know this will be hard to believe but you, on the other hand, sound like you're in a fantastic place because you have acceptance. . Perfect. You can't control or change him, but you can protect yourself and your son-first and foremost financially.

Each state has different laws regarding divorce and marital infidelity. Do a google to see if infidelity can be used as a means of divorce.

Please don't think of yourself as not having resources. You do, you just have to fight for them.

Please don't let him know that you know about the affair and go see an attorney ASAP to learn about your options. I know it's hard to imagine, but my advice is to shift into survival mode because your husband is a bit nuts right now. He's caught in the throes of an affair and will likely be a bit crazy for awhile. Mine did horrible things, horrible, that he now regrets but it took two years for him to recognize what he had really done with that woman he told me he was in love with-he cheated himself.

*Lots of lawyers will do a free consultation with you over the phone.
*Start packing official forms-tax forms, birth certificate, etc. Everything you will need to protect yourself and your son.
*A lawyer will tell you what to do about your bank accounts, etc. In my first divorce, my husband withdrew every penny out of the savings and checking accounts before he told me we were getting divorced. It was perfectly legal.
*Do not call his family members for support. Blood is blood.

I do hope you're doing all right. It sounds like he's torturing you. It often helped me when fighting with my AH to focus on my kids. Go hang out with them, let them know I love them.

WVVicki

Thank you all for your advice. When I got up this morning, my phone was sitting on the night stand. So he returned it sometime during the night. I googled a couple of lawyers and wil give them a call in a little while. I'm glad someone here said that I shouldn't let him know that I know. I want to yell and scream at him, but that wouldn't do any good. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I will hopefully know more after I talk to a lawyer. I feel completely lost right now. Again, thank you all so much.

transformyself

You're welcome Vicki. I know you want to yell and scream at him, we all do when this happens. If it helps at all, paving the way for your freedom can be seen as retaliation-it's not as sexy as screaming at him and throwing a pan at his head (not that I ever did that) but after you speak to an attorney and get an action list together you'll feel some better.

I hope you are stealth when it comes to the lawyer too. Don't leave your work on a shared computer. I would erase all history after doing these searches. You can bet he's working to cover his tracks, while doing so he might uncover yours.

I hate to sound so secret agent man about this, but I've seen hundreds of examples from that website I told you about. Everyone says they wished they had taken steps to protect themselves upon discovery instead of falling apart and becoming an emotional mess.

He has the advantage, because he's known his having an affair for some time now. He's got the speaches, the blameshifting all in order and is waiting to defend himself. That's why pretending you don't know for awhile will give you an additional advantage.

I'm also very very sorry this is happening to you. You can survive this though, trust me. I have and so have tons of other folks here on this board. I came out stronger in fact.

What are your plans for new years eve? Can you go somewhere with your son? Or allow your husband to go out? Fake a headache and tell him to go out without you and have fun?

brittbritt40

I am so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, the majority of us have been through this same exact thing. I remember when I found out that my ABF was cheating on me. This was about a year and a half ago. At the time, he was "dry" and he says that me finding out and making a big deal about it is what drove him to drink again. At the time, I believed it. Now that I have been reading on here, and reading several different Al-anon books, I now know that I am not the one who caused any of this. I was able to forgive him because I love him, but I still haven't forgotten about it. You will figure out what is best for you, and you will do it. I highly suggest finding an Al-anon meeting in your area.

lillamy

For what it's worth, Vicki...
I felt trapped. I had nowhere to go. I worried for years that my AH would rally his cadre of lawyer friends and take the kids away if I tried to leave. Those things all show that you've moved past some of the emotional garbage and you're ready to take the next step: You're not thinking of the emotional side as much as the practical side, and that's good. That's one step away from planning.

I can't tell you that this is always the case, but I can tell you that in my case, I did not know how many friends I had and how many people would help and support me until I took the step and left. A coworker that I wasn't even close friends with took me and the kids in for two full weeks while I looked for a place to live. Coworkers and friends and their relatives furnished my apartment with used furniture and cookware. Friends made me dinners, took the kids to amusement parks, gave me grocery store giftcards, loaned me their trucks.

I kept thinking "if I had known I had this kind of support, I would have made the decision to leave much earlier."

It's a tricky thing, because you don't know who to trust when you're in that spot. But if you have trusted friends, enroll their support. And friends might pop up in places you least expected it.

I'm glad you're seeing things clearly. And I wish you well.