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New here - very confused

Old 12-28-2010, 10:11 PM
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New here - very confused

I am new to SR and I am very confused.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. On our 2nd date he told me that he was an alcoholic and had been sober for the past 3 years with AA. About 4 months into our relationship he started drinking. He tried to tell me that he wasn't really an alcoholic and he could drink "socially like everyone else". Well this did not work! He went on like this for about 2 months and the drinking just got more and more. Then he was in a horrible motorcycle accident (all due to his drinking). He then told me that he knew he could not handle drinking and this was his wake up call. He was sober for about 2 months until one day we had an argument and he went on a week long bender. Once again, he called me for help and wanted to stop drinking.

All was going well for a few months and then we decided to move across the country to be close to my family. We moved this summer and the summer was very difficult. Due to financial issues we moved in with my parents for what was supposed to be just a month, but it has continued. He is a full-time student and could not find a job just for the summer months so we had a lot of free time. We went on a weekend trip to a family cabin with several family members and he hated it. He was grouchy and secluded himself most of the weekend. I found out later that my brother saw him drinking that weekend.

Once his schooling started again I really thought things would be better. It was so good for him to be busy and feel like he is doing something important. It wasn't even one month and he was drinking again. On a fFriday evening he called me from school and told me he wasn't coming home, he was going to "hang out with his friends". I immediately knew he was drinking. He didn't come home until Sunday night. He apologized over and over to me and even went and talked to my parents and apologized to them. Just one week later he went on a bender and didn't come home for 10 days. He then called me and begged for help. He said he wanted help. However, at this point my parents were done and told me that he was not allowed to live at their house anymore.

Again, I helped him. He did have to move into a small apartment near his school, but of course he couldn't afford it so I helped with that too. In mid-November he did it again. This time he didn't have any money so he pawned his laptop computer, MY tv set, and a computer that he borrowed from the college (I did not know about the pawning until a few days ago)! I told him I was done and I could not do this anymore. I had told him several times that if he ever did this again I was leaving, but of course I never did. This last time I told him I wouldn't talk to him or anything unless he went into inpatient (I NEVER thought he actually would).

On December 15 he went into an inpatient treatment center for a month. He seems to be really doing it this time, but I am so hurt, angry, and distrusting now. I don't know what to do. I want to believe this will work and we can have a future, but I am so unsure. It is causing issues in many parts of my life. My mom is my best friend and she absolutely hates him. I am trying to be supportive of him, but that causes her and I to clash a lot. The rest of my family does not like him, but they have all said that they will support me in whatever I decide, they are just worried about me. I know my mom will do the same thing, but it is hard.

I have many mixed feelings about what to do. I really do love him. I want to believe this treatment is going to be successful for him, but I don't know. I know I will worry about his drinking for years. I also feel this immense guilt for bringing him across the country and then leaving him at a time when he needs support the most. When we moved here we both understood that I would need to be the financial supporter for the next 2 years while he finishes school, so how do I leave him with nothing? I just don't know if I will ever be able to really trust him again. I have told him this and he does understand. I told him I honestly don't know if we can ever work, but I do have hope.

Am I totally crazy for trying again? My family is my best support system, but I feel like I can't really talk to them about this. I feel so confused and alone.
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Old 12-28-2010, 10:28 PM
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Oh! What we do for love!

You're not crazy. You want to help someone you love.
We all understand the desire.

Its important to remember:
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't change it.

He IS an alcoholic.
Regardless of what he says, he will drink until he is truly in recovery.
When/if he truly is in recovery, they say you will be able to see it from a mile away.
Even then, it would be a long road.

So, start listening to yourself.
I hear you say you've seen a bunch of behavior you don't like.
I hear you say he pawned your tv (WTF?).
I hear you say he's caused many problems in your life.
I hear you say your family, who are important to you don't like him.
I hear you say you are hurt, angry, distrusting and unsure.

Are you listening to you? If you had a friend that said those things, would you tell them to listen and care for themselves in this situation?

Your partner is an adult man. I hear you are worried at what will happen to him if you leave. Remember he is a grown adult. He can take care of himself. To not trust that is to disrespect him.

I am working on listening to myself about the things that my AH does that I find unacceptable and to honor myself enough to take action (even though I love him DEEPLY!)

Hugs. Stick around and keep reading.
Peace
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Old 12-28-2010, 10:39 PM
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There is only one thing to do in my view...

...when you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. As you can see in your own post, you were warned you were about to fall in the hole on your second date. You stepped into it anyway and proceeded to dig and dig and dig.

Helping is not helping.

How do you stop digging? I know of only one way, and it's how I saved my own life when I idiotically married an alcoholic (who was not drinking). Go to Alanon, at least six meetings, some different, before deciding if it is for you. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

Good luck. I hope you don't waste any more of your life like I did (and I wasted 12 years). It's always nice to see people make smarter decisions than me.

Cyranoak

P.s. Your mom hates him because she sees what you can't see. She sees you in the hole, digging as fast as you can, and he's the hole. I know many people don't like it when their parents are right, but in my opinion she's right.

P.p.s. If somebody you loved was the one who posted what you posted, what would you think, and what would you tell them.

P.p.p.s. "Hope" is the tool I use for making my absolute worst decisions. It works every time. I can count on it completely when I'm really dedicating myself to the pursuit of unhappiness.




Originally Posted by nlp321 View Post
I am new to SR and I am very confused.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. On our 2nd date he told me that he was an alcoholic and had been sober for the past 3 years with AA. About 4 months into our relationship he started drinking. He tried to tell me that he wasn't really an alcoholic and he could drink "socially like everyone else". Well this did not work! He went on like this for about 2 months and the drinking just got more and more. Then he was in a horrible motorcycle accident (all due to his drinking). He then told me that he knew he could not handle drinking and this was his wake up call. He was sober for about 2 months until one day we had an argument and he went on a week long bender. Once again, he called me for help and wanted to stop drinking.

All was going well for a few months and then we decided to move across the country to be close to my family. We moved this summer and the summer was very difficult. Due to financial issues we moved in with my parents for what was supposed to be just a month, but it has continued. He is a full-time student and could not find a job just for the summer months so we had a lot of free time. We went on a weekend trip to a family cabin with several family members and he hated it. He was grouchy and secluded himself most of the weekend. I found out later that my brother saw him drinking that weekend.

Once his schooling started again I really thought things would be better. It was so good for him to be busy and feel like he is doing something important. It wasn't even one month and he was drinking again. On a fFriday evening he called me from school and told me he wasn't coming home, he was going to "hang out with his friends". I immediately knew he was drinking. He didn't come home until Sunday night. He apologized over and over to me and even went and talked to my parents and apologized to them. Just one week later he went on a bender and didn't come home for 10 days. He then called me and begged for help. He said he wanted help. However, at this point my parents were done and told me that he was not allowed to live at their house anymore.

Again, I helped him. He did have to move into a small apartment near his school, but of course he couldn't afford it so I helped with that too. In mid-November he did it again. This time he didn't have any money so he pawned his laptop computer, MY tv set, and a computer that he borrowed from the college (I did not know about the pawning until a few days ago)! I told him I was done and I could not do this anymore. I had told him several times that if he ever did this again I was leaving, but of course I never did. This last time I told him I wouldn't talk to him or anything unless he went into inpatient (I NEVER thought he actually would).

On December 15 he went into an inpatient treatment center for a month. He seems to be really doing it this time, but I am so hurt, angry, and distrusting now. I don't know what to do. I want to believe this will work and we can have a future, but I am so unsure. It is causing issues in many parts of my life. My mom is my best friend and she absolutely hates him. I am trying to be supportive of him, but that causes her and I to clash a lot. The rest of my family does not like him, but they have all said that they will support me in whatever I decide, they are just worried about me. I know my mom will do the same thing, but it is hard.

I have many mixed feelings about what to do. I really do love him. I want to believe this treatment is going to be successful for him, but I don't know. I know I will worry about his drinking for years. I also feel this immense guilt for bringing him across the country and then leaving him at a time when he needs support the most. When we moved here we both understood that I would need to be the financial supporter for the next 2 years while he finishes school, so how do I leave him with nothing? I just don't know if I will ever be able to really trust him again. I have told him this and he does understand. I told him I honestly don't know if we can ever work, but I do have hope.

Am I totally crazy for trying again? My family is my best support system, but I feel like I can't really talk to them about this. I feel so confused and alone.
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Old 12-29-2010, 12:13 AM
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I'd question if he was even sober for that length of time (3 years) before you met. He seems like a binge drinker with a pattern. Probably an established one.

Regardless, he is very ill and now in treatment. He is doing what he needs to but there are never any guarantees.

I suppose in any relationship that is draining I'd ask myself 'what am I getting out of this?'. He has no money because when he does he spends it on booze. You want this treatment to work but again, it is up to him to maintain his recovery and until he does for a good length of time, stepping back for a bit would be the best thing for both of you.

It is hard because you love him but he has put you through so much in a fairly short amount of time. Imagine if you had a child with him. How would it affect your life then? I think you know in your gut what the right thing to do is but put yourself first whatever you decide.

I'd also ask myself what am I getting from this relationship and person? What is it that he is doing for you right now in the state he is in.

It isn't easy. I know firsthand but until he really takes recovery seriously and lives it, it will be like walking in a mine field of drama, tears and disappointment.
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Old 12-29-2010, 06:45 AM
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Originally Posted by nlp321 View Post
I have many mixed feelings about what to do. I really do love him. I want to believe this treatment is going to be successful for him, but I don't know. I know I will worry about his drinking for years. I also feel this immense guilt for bringing him across the country and then leaving him at a time when he needs support the most. When we moved here we both understood that I would need to be the financial supporter for the next 2 years while he finishes school, so how do I leave him with nothing? I just don't know if I will ever be able to really trust him again. I have told him this and he does understand. I told him I honestly don't know if we can ever work, but I do have hope.

.
Welcome to the SR family!

You are not alone. You are not crazy.
We understand what it feels like to have a loved one addicted to alcohol.

Please be gentle with yourself. You likely did not know about addiction when you began this relationship. It is an education most of us learned about through necessity after we woke up and realized we were living in it.

I don't see that you have anything to feel guilty about. You made an agreement with another adult. You agreed to financially support the other adult as they pursued their education.

You and your family have provided housing and food for this adult as agreed.

You did not agree to support his addiction or the consequences of unacceptable behavior. His addiction is his responsibility. His consequences are his. There are resouces in the community that he can find. He has been through AA. He knows how to find help.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. I am always finding wisdom from reading in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the forum. Some of our stories are there too.

Here is one of my favorites:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 12-29-2010, 08:58 AM
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I am also new here so I am not the best person to give advice...so I won't.
You have to do what your heart/mind/body tell you is the right thing to do. Everyone can give you advice from their own personal experiences, but everyones situation is different.
I have decided to leave everything be for the time being and its now in Gods hands. If its meant to be, it will be.
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Old 12-29-2010, 09:02 AM
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hi nlp-

just a reminder that you do have the option to step all the way back and see how his recovery is coming along in 6 months. if he's been sober for years with AA, he should be savy enough to get back in those rooms to support his sobriety. and in those rooms, they will encourage him to not get involved in intimate relationships for awhile, as that energy will be needed to focus on his recovery.

in the meantime, you could choose to focus on yourself and your own recovery.

naive
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Old 12-29-2010, 01:56 PM
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Thank you all for your help! I finally don't feel like I am totally alone. I got the book on codependency at the library today and started reading it. I am also planning on going to Al-anon this week to see if it can help too.

I have spent a lot of time the last few days thinking about this relationship. I honestly do not feel like it is going to work out in the long run. However, I also do not feel like I am ready to let it go yet either. I know that doesn't make any sense!

Naive, I have read a lot that people in recovery are encouraged not to engage in new relationships in the first year. Does this include relationships that are not new? I do wonder about stepping back for some time, but I also feel like that could just make things worse too. He is in an inpatient treatment right now and he will complete it in 10 days. I don't want to make things worse either. I do know that it is all up to him and I need to do for myself, but again that guilt really creeps up on me.
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Old 12-29-2010, 02:04 PM
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hi and welcome to SR!

Here in Montana...
were someone to 'borrow' a computer from the college
and then pawn it...

up here - that's called 'stealing'.

Just another perspective, hon.

It's more to show you how we, the codependent
cover up for our alcoholics.

Sometimes without even realizing it.
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Old 12-30-2010, 11:33 AM
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Honestly having married into "alcoholism' and having it around as a third party for my daughter's childhood, I would not continue in the relationship. Maybe he will recover and be sober, but you won't know that for a loooooooooong time yet.

If you stay, be honest about the gamble you are taking so that when you marry and have a child you aren't too disappointed when your entire home life and all your dreams for your family are subverted by alcoholism's agenda.

V
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Old 12-30-2010, 11:39 AM
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I hear a lot about him in your post.
What about you?

It sounds like your life, since you met him, has largely been about him -- his drinking, his sobriety, his drinking, his excuses.

I think most of us have been there.

You could choose to start living your own life and let him figure out his.
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Old 12-30-2010, 09:11 PM
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NLP - welcome!
I could cheer for both sides: stay or go. The truth is that it's your journey. I've been married for over 20 years and AH went to inpatient treatment about 18 months ago. When it's good: it's good. When it's not ... like now just after a relapse - not good.

We are going to counseling soon - both actually questioned our marriage during the last couple weeks. I feel confident about my recovery to date; still a work in progress nut no where near the codependent enamber I was! With his relapse ... all the lying, arguing, and my bad micro managing behavior returned.

I've asked my self a million times over the last 3 weeks "what do I want?", "what should I do?" "why do I do this crazy roller coaster?"

I've found great strength and support from Alanon. It definitely took quite a few meetings to figure how it works - I thought they could just tell me how to fix it!

You've had great advice here so far - I just want to echo "be kind to yourself" and "the 3 C's: you did not cause it, you cannot cure it and you cannot control it". Try hard to let go of your guilt - it's not yours to own.

Stay in touch
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Old 12-31-2010, 01:02 AM
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I have actually been in a very familiar situation! I moved to North Dakota to be with my BF, well after just a few short weeks I knoew I had stepped into a bad situation but thought that maybe if I cloud help him stabilize and see normal he would pump the brakes. Needless to say it did not work I did make us appear normal but only because i made sure bills were paid. In this tine I gave birth to my beloved son and knew things had to change. So I moved all the way to Missouri to start school. I got set up there stayed in contact with him and believed that he was doing better and only wanted to be with me. Wrong!!! I found out after he moved down with me and my som I became aware that for the 3 months we were apart he had not paid a single bill or rent and was about to be homeless. I started to find alchohol bottles everywhere and I mean everywhere down to my sons closet even on the roof of the trailer. I had to put him out and of course I was the villain because i "dragged" him halfway across the country. Just like your guy we went through the promises of sobriety and attempts at working thru it.
He is now back in ND and married to a woman who drinks as much as he. And I have learned a lesson. If You aren't family I don't have any ties. Your best bet is to understand he moved with You like a person follows an umbrella to stay out of the rain.
I hope this helps at least a bit.
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