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"new to me" and "at least I'm not Drinking!"

Old 12-28-2010, 04:49 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
ms_not_so_codependant
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: arlington,tx
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Unhappy "new to me" and "at least I'm not Drinking!"

Hi all,
this is all new to me. I have been with my husband 10 years now, married 8, have 3 kids.
I always new he had problems, told me when we were dating. He had a past of alcohol and drug abuse. from beer to cocaine. When I first met him, we both smoked pot, But I was on the way out of all that. Starting to grow up and realize I could not hold on to such things and be a good parent. He also quit smoking pot because of his relationship with me and my kids. At that time he was sober.
After a year of dating, things got really bad. He sufferd from depression, and went into a long period of inaction. This included not working, not helping with the house or the kids. (I had the only the first 2 then, from a previous relation ship). all of this with no alcohol or drug use.
I had much pitty for him and kept trying to make things work. Help him stay posistive. I even let hin move in with me sue to an impending eviction. During that time I became pregnant with my 3rd child, and thing wen further south from there. Much fighting, and crying and fear during that time. at about 7 months pregnant I came to my senses and forced him to leave. It was hard for us both. He even called and threatened suicide. I stood my ground and pointed to other sorces of help. He never really got any help, but he did get a job. That was one big step in the right direction, so i let him come back.
I got lucky. things turned around. He was promoted several times at work. Moved on to a beter job. We bought a house. He was at the top of his game. We had a good 7 years.
Then things started to change at work, for him. The changes started to effect him. He became complacent. He coplained constantly but never made a change. I don't know really when the first time was, but he started smoking pot again. At first it was a little here and there. then over the next 2 years it escilated again and again. I blame myself for the prgression. I expressed my opposition, got angry, flushed ALOT of weed down the toilette, but never really did any more than that. All the while he's saying. "It's not a problem" "it's no big deal" "well at least I'm not drinking".
He was fired from his job a year ago, for coming in late or not coming in at all.
He was devistated, so i tried to change his mind set but telling him "this is a GOOD thing, you hated your job, but never would have quit. This is an opportunity to do something you could love". He took it as a free license to "find himself" I guess. He never really looked for a job, never really quit smoking pot, and started in on pills.
Mean while the kids are getting older and much more observant. They discoved one of his stashes. Some how, don't know how. I didn't kick him out.
It took me a while, as I saw how it changes their attitudes and they way they related to him, and how it affected their school work. It went on for a while, they started to resent him, staying home, no income, no help at home, always barking orders at the kids about chores and grades, They saw him as a hypocrit. Then they saw him again, smoking pot in the back yard, and then hiding his stash. That was it, I was DONE! I hit MY rock bottom. I know it was way late. But I have to believe better late then never. I very calmly informed him he would be leaving immediately. He would have the choice of suitcase or handcuffs. Thankfully, he chose suitcase.
He has continued to make bad choices, and not look for work. He calls and asks to come home, and I ask him what steps he's taken toward recovery. When He says none, I tell him he already knows the answer.

He is deeply depressed, and I really fear that he is contemplating suicide. Though he hasn't said so. He set an appointment for us to sign up for life insurance. I told him NO WAY. I don't want it. And I wont pay for his.

I NEED HELP! I need help dealing with all this. I need help with my feeling of guilt and doubt. I need help knowing how to proceed. I need help with my emotions (I have alot of anger a resentment, and I am often very harsh in my comunication with him) I need help with my kids.
I am very independant and have a hard time asking for help. I found this site y searching for Al-anon meetings. But he doesn't drink. He is still an alcoholic and an addict. The behavior spills into everything he does, downloading music, computed games, watching tv.
What do I do?

Thanks in advance for any help offered.
God bless!
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Old 12-28-2010, 04:56 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
ms_not_so_codependant
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Sorry this is so long. It's only a brief snapahot of what's been goin on the past few years.
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Old 12-28-2010, 06:23 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
same planet...different world
 
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Hello, RC and WELCOME to SR.

You're not alone any more hon.

I hope you found a meeting near you
because in my opinion, 3-d support is just as important
as internet support.

There's some very wise people here
who can offer experience, strength, and hope
to you during this hard time.

I hope you'll read as much as you can stand
and if one of us says somehting you want to add to
or correct
I hope you'll feel free to just jump on in.

The water's FINE!!!

I'm so pleased to see you're standing your ground
and holding fast to your boundaries.
That's a huge step
you're not going to have to worry about.

Others will be along soon
to welcome you to the forum
and offer their suggestions.

I hope you hang out
and get from SR
as much as I have.

IT's hard when an ex (of soon to be ex or .. well, anyone really)
uses threat of suicide
to keep us hostage
to their addictions.

That's why I feel that support
in as many areas of your world
is quite important for the moment.

Again - welcome to SR!!!

ANd again - you are not ... alone.
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Old 12-28-2010, 06:27 PM
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Today is a New Day
 
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Don't apologize! Nobody was ever injured, fatally or otherwise, by a long forum post.

I can't really tell you what to do, because your situation is yours, and your decisions are yours to make, but I can tell you some of the things that I have learned.
It's not your fault. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. He is going to do what he is going to do and that's that.

My A would lash out at me if I got between him and his alcohol. If I tried to stop him, he'd tell me how it was my fault he was drinking because I didn't do/say something properly, I didn't remind him how sick it made him feel, etc, etc, ad nauseum, until I was well trained to just apologize for everything. When I stopped playing into his need for me to take the blame, he'd get defensive, start yelling more, and eventually started talking about how his health was failing and he wouldn't be around for much longer and he hoped I'd take better care of the next guy, etc, etc. It's a miserable feeling being told things like that, but it was 100% manipulation on his part because he didn't want to come face to face with how bad his problem had become.

Your family had a drug problem. Your husband has a drug problem because he continues to use them. You have a drug problem because your husband uses them. You cannot fix your husband's drug problem, but you can fix your own - you just need to decide the best way for you to accomplish this.
He's not going to get help as long as people allow him to continue without needing to get help, and you're not going to be much help to anyone (especially not yourself or your children) if you don't solve your own problem. He's a sinking ship... He'll swim if he wants to swim, but if you wait around and try to get him to do it you're going to end up sinking with him, so you need to figure out how you're going to swim for yourself.

(((russell))
Situations like this are never easy, or we wouldn't all be here.
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Old 12-28-2010, 06:40 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
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Hi RC...

I'm glad you found this website. Now find Al-Anon and you'll be on your way to a happier life, as I learned in 2003.

Here's how to find a meeting: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

Each meeting has a little (or a lot) different flavor, so try at least six meetings, some different, before deciding if Al-Anon is for you. Also, I don't know how old your kids are, but I started my daughter in Alateen when she was 10 (she is 15 now). It made a huge difference in all of our lives.

Take care,

Cyranoak

P.s. I forced her to go to the first six meetings, and after that I've left it up to her. She went every week for a couple of years, and now she only goes every once in awhile (which I have to deal with since I want her to go all the time). However, she'll be the first to tell you how much of a difference it made in her life.
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