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Can somebody explain this?

Old 12-28-2010, 04:10 AM
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Can somebody explain this?

Hi I am new here- I am a registered nurse so I feel that I should understand/know a lot more about alcoholism/addiction than I do and know how to deal. I am learning though and have done some alanon meetings online. Well married to AH for 10 years. Did not know he was an alcoholic, as he had a period of 7 or 8 years of sobriety when we met. Right after out daughter was born I started finding liquor bottles (empty) all over the house. Called his parents to find out why, that's when they told me the secret that he had everyone in his family keep. Since that time he has been in rehab 3 or 4 addtl times, lost his incredible construction business, filed for bankruptcy, the list goes on.

My biggest problem is that we have 3 little ones 7, 5, 113 months that I was entrusting to his care so that I could work as he was and is still not. I came home from work 7p-7a and he is falling down drunk for the 100th time. Not to mention porn magazines in our office. (Did I mention he has a porn addiction too). I finally told him he had to leave and his parents took him in (they live 700 miles away). He has been gone 2 and one half mos. no financial support, not too many phone calls to the babies, Not working, and when we do speak he is seething mad. What the hell is he mad about?? How do I deal with it? Says he is going to AA meetings 3x a day--but it doesn't sound like he is working a program to me? He calls me stupid, is rude, etc. etc. Is not asking to come home at all though. I think he is too embarassed to face everyone here. Everyone is shocked that he could take off and just leave his family. Business is trashed. Please explain why he is so angry!!!

Thanks for your input!!
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Old 12-28-2010, 04:27 AM
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He is angry because he is extremely unhappy and it's much easier to blame you for it than himself. (It's called 'blame shifting' and they're famous for it). That would require taking responsibility for his actions and choices. He clearly is not working an AA program, I don't care how many meetings he's attending!

Why are you taking his abusive phone calls? He's not sending support. He's not talking to the children. What on earth do you have to talk about? When you stop being his whipping post he might just have to turn that rage where it belongs.
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Old 12-28-2010, 04:51 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You are a good mom! You are taking steps to protect yourself and your children from alcoholic behavior. Your action of sending him away has caused a reaction in him. His reaction = His problem.

I had to remember the three C's when dealing with my alcoholic:

I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it

I sent my alcoholic out of the home. I went NC (no contact). The only time we spoke (until he learned to behave civilly) was concerning his bills or our child. Anytime he started the quacking (alcoholic talking) I told him: "I am not going to listen to this" and I hung up the phone.

I also had to remind myself that his unpaid bills, missed appointments, etc. were not my problem. not my problem. not my problem.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. There are sticky (permanent) posts at the top of the forum. They contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom.

This is one of my favorite:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 12-28-2010, 05:07 AM
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Your question assumes there is a rational explanation, and there can't be. The answer is just what Pelican and tjp have said: he no longer has someone to shield him from the truth, like his family did for years, and this is how he is bound to react.

You need to be proud of yourself for getting him out of the house, and be glad that all you need to do to avoid his harassment is ignore his phone calls.

Hang in there!
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Old 12-28-2010, 05:30 AM
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Welcome, Hailee. I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm really glad you found SR.

You sound like you're doing a great job setting boundaries with the alcoholic in your life. Deep breaths, one day at a time living, and Alanon meetings (along with being here) have been essential to me. As for the anger, well...I echo tjp's comment about blameshifting. It's much easier to blame you than it is to look at what his relationship with alcohol is costing him, on all fronts.

Oh, and as for feeling like you "should have known" about the alcoholism because you're an RN, please remember to be gentle with yourself. Our professional knowledge does not protect us in recognizing red flags in our private/personal lives. If that were the case, I wouldn't be here either, and I'm sure many others fall into that category, too. Our personal lives come with certain "blind spots", so to speak. Be kind to yourself, you couldn't have known, and in fact it sounds like even his family worked hard to hide the realities from you. You could be the most amazing nurse in the world and still not have caught on to what was happening!!! One truly has nothing to do with the other. What I have discovered for myself is that I'm learning these things now, however, and applying that knowledge to my life in ways that I couldn't have done before. So it's a positive, though sometimes painful, process.

Keep your chin up, keep loving those babies and keep coming back. There's lots of support here.

Big hugs, and welcome~
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Old 12-28-2010, 05:56 AM
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Like tjp613 says, his anger toward you is really his anger toward himself. But addicts escape, it's what they do - they escape reality, they escape consequences, they escape pain and lessons. One of their great tools to escape is to throw any and all blame on the persons closest to them.

It is not personal toward you. It is a manifestation of his addiction, coming out at you.

Sending encouragement,

CLMI
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Old 12-28-2010, 06:07 AM
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Welcome hailee, you’ve found a great place. Allot of good responses. Trying to figure them out is pointless. All that matters is that you have taken the right steps to do what is right for you and your children. It takes a lot of strength and courage to have them leave. It sounds like you were holding it all together without his financial help so you know that that can be done and you will survive.

I believe it’s exactly what tjp613 said, anger – shifting blame away from his disease, his choices so he doesn’t have to take responsibility for his actions.

The only thoughts coming out of an alcohol soaked brain are with keeping that brain saturated everything else is pointless to the alcoholic.
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Old 12-28-2010, 06:11 AM
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Thanks You Guys

I really, really, really appreciate your input re:his Anger. He's been mad for about a month and a half now but when I ask why--he screams "I AM NOT MAD ABOUT ANYTHING!" (lol). I try not to laugh. The phone calls and texts I have been getting are basically him asking me for paperwork, etc. Doesn't ask to talk to the kids much. I did text him a couple of days before xmas to tell him that all 3 of them were very sick and that dope didnt even text me back! So I didnt let him talk to them on xmas day. He thinks they are toys that he can pick up and put down when he feels like it. He asked to talk to them again yesterday, but I said no because he prefaced it by calling me stupid and saying that I can't set rules for what he says when he talks to them. Such as "ask mommy when I can come home." Guess he will figure out that I can set boundaries for him. I haven't before but I am learning from reading on SR and you strong people are an inspiration.

I can't believe he is so MAD!!!!!

Thanks guys!
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Old 12-28-2010, 06:24 AM
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"His anger toward you is really his anger toward himself" ~Catlover

Speaking from someone who put their wine glasses on the top shelf after a 25 year drinking career several years ago. Angry at himself, angry at the world and everything in it.

Alcoholics don't drink because they are happy, balanced individuals, they drink to numb out. They feel guilt and shame and alcohol can remove the intensity of those feelings.

That said, speaking with you may trigger his feelings of 'less than' because of his 'failures' and afterall, he's living at his parents because of his drinking which led to those 'failures when he has a wife and 3 children hundreds of miles away.
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Old 12-28-2010, 08:24 AM
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this is your time now...please keep going to AL ANON is helps with the slogans and well, things slowly start to change in you...your attuides and your self esteem....

his actions and everything he says and does are HIS RESPONSIBLITIES no one elses....

wow, i am shocked that everyone kept this a secret?....shame for everyone...and i guess no one has AL ANON over on his side either....they are not helping him any...

and your children? just be honest with them as best as you can....they are strong just like their mom is...read my slogan blogs....it helps!
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Old 12-28-2010, 08:26 AM
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There's nothing logical about an A and his emotions/behaviors.

My A has very good self control about pretty much everything, but he can never apply it successfully to the alcohol. He'll drink at the smallest provocation, and then try to wean himself off the alcohol by himself. As soon as he hits 24 hours without a drink, he'll have a drink to celebrate, and the cycle begins again. Whatever alcohol he has available, as soon as he has a sip it will be gone within two hours, whether it is a 2-ounce baby bottle or a fifth. He is smart enough not to buy fifths, but he thinks that if he buys three pint bottles he'll be fine because he just won't drink two of them. (And when they run out, he thinks he can go get three more and lock them away safely until the next day so he doesn't have to buy any tomorrow).
He hates drinking, he confesses he has a problem, but there's where it's always ended. He doesn't want to go to anyone for help, he thinks he can do it all himself. (I've told him sometimes I feel like he's praying, "God, please help me with this, but I know you're too busy to pay attention, so I'll just do it myself.") He'll stop every once in awhile for my sake, but he always relapses (with increased frequency), and he always will until he starts working the problem for his sake. There's nothing I can do, although goodness knows I still feel guilty about it sometimes, since he's always so earnest when he says he'll quit...

I can only hope that someday, the promises will be true.
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Old 12-28-2010, 06:24 PM
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If it's any consolation, I recently went to school to be an RN and the training on alcoholism is slim to none (completed first year only). My sister is an RN, also trained after knowing her husband is an alcoholic and for the most part didn't learn anything that would give her tools with her AH. You didn't know better most likely because they don't teach the tools of recognizing and dealing with an alcoholic but just the minimal info. needed to treat them medically.
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Old 12-28-2010, 06:26 PM
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oh...and I do think we should know, be taught a lot more to truly help the patient and their family.
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Old 12-28-2010, 09:28 PM
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Old 12-29-2010, 10:34 AM
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I recently came to terms with this. I read up a bit on the phenomenon of "deflection"-- the best definition I found was "self hate unloaded onto others." My aexh has elevated this to an art form.

The last email I got from him regarding anything besides child care arrangements was full of rage and devoid of any logic. I'm really not guilty of the things he accused me of... and I spent some time considering whether or not there was any truth to what he said. Do I feel like the world owes me? Am I a chronic liar? I'm really not. I have plenty of flaws, but those aren't among them. Whatever he's seeing, it's not me. "We don't see the world as it is, we see it as we are" sums up what's going on in his head.

It was just noise. It wasn't personal, it wasn't about me, it's pretty much the same as a thunderstorm. I didn't do anything to deserve his anger any more than I did something to deserve thunder, lightning and rain. The weather can't control itself and he can't control himself.

When I understood that, it quit hurting me.
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Old 12-29-2010, 10:48 AM
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Your input gives me some sanity

I am beginning to understand the whole deflection pice of his anger, and it makes complete sense. He has always said that I think that "I am better than him" and many different remarks like that. I have never said that to him, but he has had that attitude since we met really. It makes me feel sad. I suppose his self esteem issues run deep. Why would anyone go to AA 3x day and then not be working steps. He has not shown any remorse at all yet. Why no remorse? is this guy just really a monster inside. How do you not apologize for being drunk while you are responsible for small children-my 5 year old was changing my 13 month old's diaper while he was passed out on the couch and I am at work at the hospital. How can you not apologize for the porn/for basically ruining everything that was good in our relationship. I am not an angel by any stretch of the imagination but I have no drug/alcohol history and would never even look at another man. I guess he is just incapable of really loving back. First love is the alcohol, right?

Thank you--you guys are so nice and so smart too!
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Old 12-29-2010, 11:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Hailee View Post
I am beginning to understand the whole deflection pice of his anger, and it makes complete sense. He has always said that I think that "I am better than him" and many different remarks like that.

I am not an angel by any stretch of the imagination but I have no drug/alcohol history and would never even look at another man. I guess he is just incapable of really loving back. First love is the alcohol, right?
25 cents says, He thinks you are better than him and he isn't willing to face it; it's easier to tell himself that you think that.

My aexh was (and for all I know, is) addicted to porn as well. I could count the number of times he accepted responsibility for the damage the porn did to our marriage on my fingers, and have some left over. Hugs-- it has nothing to do with you.
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Old 12-29-2010, 11:31 AM
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Welcome to SR, and thank you for sharing your story. You are very smart, and a wonderful mom to get your AH out of the house.

A very dear man I know at work, 24 years sober himself, told me once when I had to leave my exabf, that it is impossible for us to understand how much an A hates themselves. I also read a quote somewhere about As being egomaniacs with low self esteem. Right on, I thought.

That said, my exabf went to AA for a long time, purely for show, for a long time before he really started to work on recovery. He was completely bs-ing for a long time. He drank before meetings, and after meetings. And the folks in the rooms at AA knew it too.

Finally, he began to WANT a better healthier life. Finally, he realized what ALCOHOLISM had taken from him, what he LET it take from him. He looked around, and he had exactly the life he believed he deserved. And it was terrible. Now he is working on making it better, for real.

Take care of you, don't let him invade the peace that you have found for your family.

Keep reading and posting, and look into Al-anon if you haven't already. I am a different person than the scared, confused woman who began lurking here over 1 year ago.
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Old 12-29-2010, 12:06 PM
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Hailee - I just posted this in another thread and thought of you, too... you should read this article. Addiction, Lies and Relationships

And another awesome one: http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/E...lcoholics.html
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Old 12-29-2010, 12:24 PM
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^^^ ooh i love reading these!! thanks for sharing!
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