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loosing hope

Old 12-27-2010, 09:18 PM
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loosing hope

Hi All,

I'm new to the site and wanted to say hi. My partner of over 20 years is and alcoholic who refuses to get help and see that he is ruining our relationship. I was going to go to actual meetings in my town but I don't feel like I can leave my house for any period of time, especially at night without coming home to him drunk. Seems he needs a constant babysitter. Whenever I go anywhere he seems to take the opportunity to go straight to the bar or to get a bottle and attempt to hide it from me, (like I can't tell).

Anyway I am hoping I can find some advise here or at least others that can understand how I feel. I'm so depressed about this situation, to the point that I'm loosing hope and slowly loosing everything that is important to me in my life. Look forward to talking with you.....
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Old 12-27-2010, 09:39 PM
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Welcome! We're glad you found us and we know exactly how you feel.

You've probably figured out by now that nothing you do will change him. Only he can change himself and it will be when he has had enough of his own insanity.

I also remember being afraid to leave home because I was afraid my now XAH would burn the house down putting wood in the fireplace. That is a miserable feeling.

There will be people here with good advice. What helped me tremendously besides this site is AlAnon. I would be lost without it. Get to a meeting and you will be among others who understand you.
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Old 12-27-2010, 09:42 PM
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Your place in life is not to be a full-time babysitter for someone who refuses to take care of himself.

I've discovered (and am still discovering) that I need to do what makes me happy, regardless of how it affects my A's drinking. I went to several Al-Anon meetings before he stopped me from attending, and now I intend to go on a regular basis to the group I liked the best. I know he won't like it (he can't stop me right now because he's in inpatient rehab, but he'll be upset when he gets back), but it's what I need to do.

I've actually started to realize that since he's been in rehab, he doesn't really ask me what I've been doing, or how I feel - aside from "Do you miss me? Are you looking forward to me getting out?" I have certainly become part of the furniture, and it's time for me to build my life into something beautiful that I can enjoy, whether or not it has his support. I am hoping it time he will come to realize it is better for the both of us, because right now I don't want to think about the alternative (ending the relationship).

Ironically, while he managed to isolate me from everyone I knew and enjoyed spending time with, I have grown much closer to hisfamily through this whole process (excluding his mother). From what I have read in the forum, this is not the norm, and so I am extremely grateful.
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Old 12-27-2010, 10:36 PM
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Rolltide is right: Alanon.

My husband of 20 years went into the hopsital with near liver failure and I was scared to death and alone. I have elderly parents (his too) and they supported me; although they were completely confused by his sudden grave illness ... they knew he drank quite a bit but ... how did this happen (they asked me)??

I looked online and was first scared of Alanon (obviously I was scared of everything then) becuase they mentioned God ... I wasn't active in church and I was not prepared to take that on too! No worries no pressure and everyone has their own belief system and faith. They are such a warm, welcoming group - no judging.

My next challenge with Alanon - they didn't tell me what to do! WTH - I needed answers, wasn't that obvious!! Tell me ... what am I supposed to do now??!! What a mess I was!

I've learned SO many life tools from Alanon. You won't get all your answers right away but I hope you will give it a try.

I've been going for about 18 months off and on; had a meeting this morning. I find I attend more when I need them but I'm also realizing that I probably should consider a semi-consistent schedule (for me) as it provides both sanity and balance for me.

My AH husband calls me at 5PM this evening - he's struggling (ie = drinking). I come home and he's made a couple calls and talks to his first sponsor and we meet him at an AA meeting together. 18 months ago ... this would have sent me over the edge!!!

I used to count bottles, think I need to be home, etc. I had never heard the terms "co-dependent" or "enabler" ... come to find out I was an expert! Alanon helped me grow and learn how to manage myself and to stop trying to manage everyone else, especially my alcholic husband.

I didn't blame him for creating the chaos - I was very angry at him but I knew it was an illness and bigger than him. I was NOT ready to hear that I was sick too - sheesh, I was just trying to help/save/cure him!!

I still don't know where my marriage is going - we've truly hit a very rough patch and are waiting for counseling to begin ... and I'm waiting for the drinking to stop. "One day at a time" has to work for me now ... until I can sort through my feelings, wishes and dreams.

You are NOT alone. I became very isolated with my AH and that was very difficult for me. I've worked to nuture and cherish relationships outside my marriage - it's not a bad thing ... it's normal.

I need to get better at short thoughts and short posts! You are doing the right thing checking out this site and checking out Alanon. Very sorry that your life is so chaotic right now - it can get better!!
<<hugs>>
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Old 12-27-2010, 10:43 PM
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Exactly StarCat!! It just took me so long to write my post - I didn't read yours until I was done! haha

We really made progress during the family times of inpatient rehab. They asked the tough questions, moderated our behavior towards one another and provided a safe place to talk. I'm not referring to violence or anger ... rehab was very humbling for the two of us - we tending to want to minimize our feelings, flash foregiveness smiles, etc. but our counselor "corrected" us ... it was very good for us. Could use a 1-week rehab refresher right now!!
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Old 12-27-2010, 10:51 PM
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Originally Posted by ToBeSerene View Post
Exactly StarCat!! It just took me so long to write my post - I didn't read yours until I was done! haha

We really made progress during the family times of inpatient rehab. They asked the tough questions, moderated our behavior towards one another and provided a safe place to talk. I'm not referring to violence or anger ... rehab was very humbling for the two of us - we tending to want to minimize our feelings, flash foregiveness smiles, etc. but our counselor "corrected" us ... it was very good for us. Could use a 1-week rehab refresher right now!!
We missed the first "family time" due to a snowstorm. While I do regret the lost time, I'm grateful too, as I wasn't ready to see him then. (While we've talked on the phone, I haven't seen him since our giant fight Wednesday night, and those feelings were still too strong and too new).
We're trying to get some of his family to attend - so far it will be me, his sister, his daughter, and maybe one of his two sons. While he and I have the largest issues right now, his entire family have suffered through a lot of it to some extent, and I'm still not ready to face him alone, although I love him dearly. <3
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Old 12-27-2010, 11:17 PM
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StarCat

Hang in there. Family time was rewarding from my perspective now but so stressful for me then. Wasn't sleeping or eating well, couldn't concentrate and felt so alone and like no one could understand.

I hope your family time is productive and I hope your counselor was as good as ours - wishing you strength and courage!
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Old 12-28-2010, 06:23 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You will find support and information here. We understand. You are not alone.

Alanon meetings and SR were like a life-ring tossed to me as I was caught up in an ocean of chaos. I was exhausted from trying to be loving, supportive, responsible and sane. I needed help!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

The sticky (permanent) posts at the top contain wisdom and experience. This is one of my favorites:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 12-28-2010, 06:38 AM
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Welcome, lovemydogs.

I'm sorry that you're experiencing this. I'm glad that you found SR.

Like others have said, Alanon meetings have been so helpful. It's recommended that you go to 8 meetings and then decide if you think it's of use to you. What I found with my exA is that I couldn't possibly "babysit" enough--the drinking still happened. So it was best that I took the time to go to Alanon and take care of myself. My life is very different and much happier now! And there are also on-line meetings available...

I hope you keep coming back here. It has been a lifesaver for me.

Again, welcome~
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Old 12-28-2010, 06:43 AM
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Hi and welcome.

I hope you can find your way to a meeting.

This is also a really good book. I sure got a lot out of it.

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie
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Old 12-28-2010, 07:34 AM
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I remember feeling lost in my own feelings, conflicted over love and a sense of responsibility to the one I loved. I remember those feelings of having to watch over someone, make sure he didn’t set the couch on fire with cigarettes or decide to go for a drive while under the influence. I thought it was my job, my responsibility as the loved one to do all those things. All the while my life was on hold waiting for him to do something, either get clean or just pass out so I could get some sleep. My work life suffered as my thoughts away from him were consumed on what he may be doing. My personal life suffered as I chose to turn down invites for happy occasions as I was too afraid to leave him alone for too long.

Al-anon and this site helped me understand that my own thinking was ill that my own sense of responsibility over him was not healthy.

Recently on a show I heard the best line: the mom and dad are separated and the son is angry at the mom because the dad is not living there anymore. She said to him “the reason your father is not living here anymore is because I only wanted to raise one child and I chose you”.
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Old 12-28-2010, 07:37 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Recently on a show I heard the best line: the mom and dad are separated and the son is angry at the mom because the dad is not living there anymore. She said to him the reason your father is not living here anymore is because I only wanted to raise one child and I chose you.
I will remember that forever. Thank you!
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Old 12-28-2010, 10:43 AM
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Lovemydogs, I can't offer you any specific advice, but I do understand how you feel. My wife of 30 years is an alcoholic who refuses to admit she has a problem. Two months ago, while drunk, she fell and broke her ankle. I see nothing but misery and financial ruin ahead for us if I don't get out of the marriage, but I have this unexplainable sense of guilt and obligation that keeps me from leaving.

It's a frightening, lonely, maddening place to be.

You'll get lots of good advice here. Hang in there, and good luck.
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Old 12-28-2010, 11:22 AM
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Welcome. That's how they hold us hostage...

...to their addiction(s). The problem is, we are complicit in that we let it happen, try to control it, and hope it will stop. You can't stop it, you can't control it, and hope is not a strategy-- it does not help. Sadly, you already know what has happened to your relationship. It is controlled, as you are right now, by the disease of alcoholism. It's already done. Hope won't help.

When you find yourself in a hole stop digging. How do you do that? How do you learn to control what you can? As others have already said, Al-Anon is where you will find experience, strength, and hope to help you learn how you will handle your life. Leave him home, continue going to your meetings, and go from there.

If you have never tried a different meeting may I suggest going to two or three meetings a week, some different? They all have little differences that give them a unique character.

Take care and good luck,

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by lovemydogs View Post
I was going to go to actual meetings in my town but I don't feel like I can leave my house for any period of time, especially at night without coming home to him drunk. Seems he needs a constant babysitter. Whenever I go anywhere he seems to take the opportunity to go straight to the bar or to get a bottle and attempt to hide it from me, (like I can't tell).

Anyway I am hoping I can find some advise here or at least others that can understand how I feel. I'm so depressed about this situation, to the point that I'm loosing hope and slowly loosing everything that is important to me in my life. Look forward to talking with you.....
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Old 12-28-2010, 11:40 AM
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Welcome!!

Glad you are here!

It was shared with me early in my recovery that an Alcoholic/addict is going to do exactly what alcoholics/addicts do - drink/use/steal/lie/ blame others/ whine/ avoid responsbility/ blah, blah, blah . . .
we didn't cause it
we cannot change it
we cannot cure it

BUT we can CHANGE ourselves
we can take good care of OUR own behaviors, responsibilities and find the ways to ensure that we are treated with dignity & self-respect - especially starting with the way we treat ourselves!!

Hope you are able to make those meetings - they absolutely without a doubt SAVED my life!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

PINK HUGS to you
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