cala

First of all, thank you to everyone here for all the wisdom I have gleaned from this board over the last year as a lurker. I've been in an everchanging relationship with an alcoholic for a few years now, and y'all have indirectly given me some fine advice and DEFINITELY kept me from making some very very poor decisions. There's nothing I can say that would adequately express my gratitude.....so I'll just move on to my current problem. It's not one I've seen addressed here, so here goes:

This alcoholic friend (who was once a boyfriend but is now just a friend--we do some contract work together but do not see each other socially anymore) finally went to detox and rehab last January. Despite not going to AA or getting any other support, he remained sober.....until yesterday. He called me on the phone last night (he hadn't contacted me via phone for months) and I could immediately tell he was drinking. I called him on it, and he said, "I told you I was going to drink for the next few days. I deserve it! I'm going to stop on Wednesday," blah blah blah. I didn't say anything, just re-asked the work-related question I had asked him via email a few minutes earlier, said, "See you Friday," and hung up. I felt sad but absolutely clear that this drinking has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him and his choice not to get any help with recovery.

My question is this: His brother was the person who finally pushed him into detox/rehab last January. Do y'all think I should contact the brother and tell him about this new drinking? I have had no contact with the brother since last January. Part of me says the brother might want to know, and part of me says just stay out of it for my own sanity.

I've decided to go to my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night.

Thank you in advance for your replies!--Cala

Britta

Hi Cala,
My name is Britta. I just read your post. This is a toughie. First I want to ask if you are in recovery yourself? It doesn't matter either way. I think that if you two only have a "working" relationship, then you should let him hit his own rock bottom. This may be the only way he will be able to become sober. Sounds as if he went to detox/rehab for someone else and not himself. This situation rarely works. He has to want to do it on his own. How many Detox Dr.'s does it take to change a lightbulb? None.... it has to want to change itself! Hee hee... Lame, I know. I hope I was of some help to you.

Live

I would advise you to stay out of it. His brother will find out in his own time and it really isn't your place to intervene.

cala

In the time it took me to type and post my question, I received an email from him apologizing for calling late last night....his sense of time might have been a bit off from that tiny bit of alcohol in his system, he said....and asking me if I want to spend some time with him on Friday night (we have to work together that night, and it's my birthday.)

I'm going to tell him no. When he wasn't drinking, he had no emotions at all and didn't want to see anybody. Now that he IS drinking, he suddenly wants company. Well, no thanks. I don't want to be around him when he's drinking; he's not abusive, but he's no fun either...boring, rambly, needy. Yuck.

No, I'm not in recovery; I'm not an alcoholic or a drug user.

I'm leaning toward not calling the brother. I don't have the energy for it, and I think not doing so will keep my boundary strong. I want to be done with the drama.

Ever appreciative of your help!--Cala

Phoenixthebird

Cala, you wrote "No, I'm not in recovery; I'm not an alcoholic or a drug user." When Britta asked "First I want to ask if you are in recovery yourself?" She was asking if you were in recovery for codependency.

Many of the members that post here on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics Forum consider ourselves codependents. Codependents are families, relatives, and friends whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking who have a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It, also, involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others, such as the alcoholic ex-boyfriend you described in your post.

If you're not sure if you are a codependent check out the Al-Anon Self Test http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...self-test.html
to find out for yourself.

I'm glad you answered your own question about whether or not you should contact your alcoholic ex-boyfriend's brother. His recovery program for his alcoholism is totally his responsibility. In Al-Anon we have an adage concerning alcoholism called the three Cs: "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it".

Love and Peace,

Phoenix

cala

Whoops...didn't think I was being asked about my own possible co-dependency recovery. I took the quiz and answered zero questions with a yes.

I'm sad when I think of this enormously talented, funny, kind (when not drinking) person destroying himself. But I don't feel personally connected to the situation anymore; it's as if I'm reading about some sad but faraway disaster in the newspaper.

Live is right.....it's none of my business anymore.

Thanks, everybody!--Cala