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58 year old mother of a 40 year old son

Old 12-28-2010, 09:48 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Dyana,

One of the stories that has been most helpful to me came from a young (15) girl that comes to our NarAnon meeting, she is the sister of an addict.

She told about her dad (who is also an addict,) who lives with his mother and his mother gives him everything he needs - a place to live, a bed to sleep in, tv to watch, food to eat and even gives him money which he uses to buy drugs and alcohol. The mother is old and ailing, she should be buying her medication with that money, but instead she gives it to her son. Who will be providing for that man when the mother dies??? No one!!!

So, why was I so worried about my son, being hungry, homeless, uncomfortable, etc. He is an adult and is capable of taking care of himself. If I die tomorrow, no one will step in and take care of my son. So . . . . what I learned was to let go. It is better to let go then to keep "helping". "Helping" wasn't working, it wasn't "helping", it was only an excuse for me to take the easy way out. Not "helping" is hard - YOU CAN DO IT!
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Old 01-05-2011, 08:56 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Hello everyone...I have been on an emotional roller coaster since the last time I was here. The first few days after I asked my son to leave on Christmas eve I walked around with tears in my eyes I was so hurt. That hurt turned to anger when I thought of all the things that have been happening in my life trying to deal with my son's alcoholism. I have decided that I do not want his alcoholism in my life, at my job (yes he has come to my job many times drunk after being asked not to) and my home. He called last night and my husband answered the phone. I walked into the room to listen to the conversation. They were talking as if they were long lost friends. Then I heard my husband tell him "I'm not going to get on you about your drinking" Not one word was mentioned about what happened here Christmas eve. We got into a huge arguement over him letting my son think that it's ok that he drinks day and night and then we moved over to him not supporting me in my decission. I knew when I started this my family would start to look at me as the bad guy. I talked to my daughter about it last night and she said it's always been that I am the mean one and daddy is the good guy. We will be married 39 years this year. We hardly ever argue unless it's about my son. This is going to be a huge mess.
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Old 01-05-2011, 11:55 AM
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Part of detaching is realising that you have no control over what anyone but you does..your husband included.You will have to hold YOUR boundaries, but you can't make your husband see the light..if he wants to ignore the problem..fine.However, YOU are choosing not to be around the active alcoholic so YOU have control over that,not what your husband says or does.As for the whole bad guy thing..you and I and everyone on here knows your not being the bad guy...the people who are codependant/enablers/sick won't like it, but OH WELL.....
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Old 01-05-2011, 12:32 PM
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One thing I've noticed on the show "Intervention" is how important it is for the whole family to be on the same page regarding enabling. It's on A&E. Maybe your husband would watch it with you.

Also maybe he would go to AlAnon with you. We have a couple that attends my local group and they have both stated that it saved their marriage.

Prayers for you.
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Old 01-05-2011, 03:05 PM
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Ugh. I'd be FURIOUS if my husband treated me that way. But, that's usually my first reaction anyway.
I am checking into Alanon meetings
when i first read this, I thought you were checking into an al-anon treatment center. Like actually checking in somewhere.

What a great thing that would be! We should have treatment centers for us too! Three hot meals, a warm place to stay while someone ELSE takes **** from the alcoholic. And when we come out, we'll be SUPERHERO's with super powers like

automatic deflection of blame placing with phrases like, "Sorry that's your choice not mine!"

And many others. Ah, what a sweet dream. I'd check in for a good long time..
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Old 01-05-2011, 07:30 PM
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knew when I started this my family would start to look at me as the bad guy. I talked to my daughter about it last night and she said it's always been that I am the mean one and daddy is the good guy. We will be married 39 years this year. We hardly ever argue unless it's about my son. This is going to be a huge mess.
I hope you will be able to navigate this Dyana. It will be difficult, because in an alcoholic home, there are usually very rigid roles played by each member of the family.
For lack of a better word, you are the strong one, so you have by default, become the enforcer.
Go to Alanon, and learn who Dyana is without alcoholism in her life? What does she want, dream of, believe in? I bet you didnt sign up for the enforcer role, and it has become quite a burden. I think if you go to Alanon and let go, you will feel lighter than you have in many years.
When I was in basic training for the Army Dyana, we went on a 14 mile road march. We carried our M-16's and 25 pounds of gear on our backs. Wearing Army boots made for men. We walked, and walked, first few miles, not so bad, we had been getting stronger thru our training and this was one of our last tasks to complete. halfway through the march, we were told to stop, but not sit down, or we wouldnt get up. Well, some sat down anyway and gave up. Not me. I was gonna do it.
We continued, I was limping by now, covered in sweat and felt as if there were 100 pounds on my shoulders. When they finally said "HALT!" I couldnt believe it, and I would not take off my backpack until my drill sergeant said it was okay. I was still standing when i dropped that weight off my shoulders and back.
I felt as if my feet lifted off the ground. I thought I could fly!
Think what you can do when you put down this burden Dyana.
Believe it.

Beth
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Old 01-05-2011, 10:16 PM
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It would be lovely if your husband got on the same page, but may not be realistic at this point.That doesn't mean you cannot start to heal and feel some peace.Don't just check into alanon but GO.You will find the face to face support you need.i'm much "meaner"than my husband too......OH WELL...learn to embrace that phrase...OH WELL....
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