Babyblue

I realized somethings this weekend and while I feel sad, I also feel a relief of sorts. I suddenly had a painful realization that he really isn't there for me. Can't be, won't be, regardless if he wants to be. (some of you seasoned folks are saying: Duh!).

I got a holiday card from him. And it was so impersonal that when I read it, I knew that I had to really pull away from this guy. He just doesn't have it in him to give back really hurts but I knew this. I just didn't want to see it. I know he has to focus on himself there but it still sucks. I'm just really tired of being pushed away, then yanked back in when he realizes that I am slipping by. His HOT is HOT but his cold is rather chilly. And I'm dumb enough to fall for it every time. Because I want it so badly. But wanting doesn't make it so and I am starting to accept that.

He is a good person. A caring person but one with so limited capacity right now that I am pouring myself into a leaky cup. I put my expectations very high because I know I am worth way more than what he gives back. But he is not a person to expect much out of. Nor is he consistent. How can he be given where he is and what he has done to himself and others? I only pray that he will see that it takes more than words to show love. If not for me then for his kids at least.

I just need to 'let go and let god' and it is getting more apparent to me that will be the best thing for ME. I have so much to offer and am a huge smoldering kettle of love but when the pain is more than the reward, that is when I get off the train.

Forever? Probably not. But I just need to go one day at a time and that is what I'm gonna do.

It will be a happy new year dammit!

barb dwyer

~WOW~

Beautiful! That's downright profound!

I think you will have a good new year - this is a huge thing!!!!
I'm so happy for your growth!

Don't take that like I'm saying 'yay she hates him'
that's not it -
I'm like "YAY - it's working!!!!"

wherever else it goes ... doesn't matter
that's not where we are...
right here in this particular moment -

which *IS* where we are ... where we ALL are...

you've got a LOT to celebrate now!!!

the beauty of that is
you don't have to celebrate 'in spite of' him or anyone...
you could be right there in the room and he needn't know -

because the majick is -
now YOU know.

you can celebrate just for the joy ofhaving accomplished something!!!

woohoo am stoked for you!

Babyblue

Thanks Barbara. You are so correct. All that matters is here and now, that is what we have to work with, not the past, the future or some crazy fantasy.

Im filling his gas tank with so much love and he goes far but he barely can give me a quarter tank. I need to fill my own tank. He can't do it. It was silly of me to think he could but I didn't know, I really didn't. I didn't know about alcoholism and how damaging it is to the person, not just their body but their minds, their lives, their ability to function in healthy relationships. I could go on and on.

I'm just glad SR is here because I would have really felt so alone in this experience.

I do love him but need to really REALLY take care of me first.

wicked

Yes, I just need to stop finding the ones who can't take it and appreciate me.

I wrote this down in my book of quotes. Yep, this and the leaky cup.

Thank you babyblue, my seasoning my has got some reasoning today. LOL
Oh, I make myself (and probably only myself) laugh.

keepinon

My daughter is in early recovery and the one thing I can say is..being sober does not fix everything.She has not matured due to substance abuse and it will take xtra long for that.She is really working her program, but is still very self-centered..I can see her little brain working "how can I get my needs met?" in the same way she had to when she was using.There is ALOT of growth that needs to happen.the longer they drink/use the more stunted their emotional development..how long have you got?

nicam

Yes! Yes! Yes! So true...

Babyblue

Yeah I definately feel like the 'grown up' sometimes. As for how much time I have? For me is the question of patience and accepting reality. I'm such a dreamer I see a bit of hope and I have him already the CEO of some great company and taking me out to nice restaurants. HA!

And true to form, he called minutes after I posted my huge, profound statement!

But I think I did a pretty good job of not letting my imagination get the better of me.

I know he tries but he still has quite a ways to go. As long as I just need to keep my feet planted on the ground.

I'm trying to be the person I was when we first started this thing: I was very much the cool chick with good boundaries and somehow, little by little, I became an emotional, worrisome mess.

Oh and wicked, you always make me smile!

AlcoholicLove

I can SO relate to this.....going through it right now.
His maturity level stopped when he started drinking, at 17!
His sponsor told him this-is this correct?

TakingCharge999

AlcoholicLove, what does his actions say? there is your answer...


Discerning words from actions has been a very valuable lesson after XABF.
Letting go is painful, take care and keep moving forward towards your dreams.

The XABF I met (and many other people) live life like that, very selfishly. I personally am seeking friends more similar to me, able to be humble, see the whole picture, citizens of the world, respectful to everybody... I mean I am that way. Why would I be with someone less than that? it makes no sense.

Hugs... we will enter 2011 single and free and rebuilding ourselves... DEEP BREATH...