jackthedog

My son was dropped off by his father Christmas Eve at 9pm and he was with me Christmas day and night and left today (Sunday at noon). We watched 3 movies Christmas day and returned them last night around 10:30. On the way home in the car I went over with him the parental schedule for the next week and started crying a little and said "It is so hard to be away from you like this." He nodded and started crying a little too but tried to stop it. I think I said something like "This is just not fair, but sometimes life just isn't fair." He seemed mad when he got out of the car and went into the house, so I asked him if he was mad at me and he said No. A few minutes later I said something like it's ok to be mad and was going to say more but he stopped me and said Mom, I asked you nice to just stop. So I did. I had mentioned to him before about reading a book to him and so after about 10 minutes he asked me to read to him and we had a nice ending to a peaceful, non alcoholic, non stressful day.

Should I try to get him to talk?
It seems he just doesn't want to talk about it (his father is like this) and I want him to learn to deal with things in life. I know the male mind is different than ours, I have read alot about this, but we should still guide them to how to handle emotions too, not just to stuff them down inside. Any help is always appreciated......

Britta

Hi Jackthedog,
I am a mother of a 13 year old son, too. He is struggling with My alcoholism as well as his father's. I am getting ready to serve my husband with papers. My son knows this and all of this is very upsetting to him. My advice to you would be to let him come to you. Just let him know that you understand how hard all of this is on him and when he is ready, you wiull be there to listen. As hard as it is, showing him how upset you were should be kept to yourself. He may have taken that comment ("this is just not fair.....") against his father and no child wants to be placed in between. I know this because this is a lesson I am currently learning. I am so glad your Christmas ended so peacefully. You both deserved it. I hope my words were helpful in some way. Happy Holidays!!!
Britta H

LaTeeDa

I am also the mother of a 13yo son. He still has a lot of anger, even though his dad and I have been separated for five years. I've learned not to push things with him. If you pay attention, he will say things to you that will open the door to a conversation--when he is ready. FWIW, I think it's okay to show him your emotions, but just because you feel like talking about it doesn't mean he does. So, share with him how you feel, especially if your behavior is affected, but leave it at that. Also, take care not to make your feelings his fault, or his father's fault. Children will always imagine that things are their fault. Make sure, if you do share, that he understands that your feelings are yours and not to be blamed on anyone else. The example of taking responsibility for how you feel is more valuable to him than "getting him to talk." Especially if he's not ready or willing.

L

franie

I have chridren aged 22, 19 and 15 and have learnt that they will talk to you when they need to talk to you. My kids have a lot to deal with but they have learnt to deal with them in their own way. Your problems, are big to you, but they may not be as important to your son as you think. You think that he is worried about you and your husbandbut his worries may be his friendships or a girl he likes. I don' mean to diminish your concerns - but do get things into perspective. I have, I hope, given my girls the chance to speak to me if they need to - trust your son, I am sure you have done a good job - just trust that he knows that you are there for him.

barb dwyer

[QUOTE]he stopped me and said Mom, I asked you nice to just stop. So I did.[QUOTE]

There you go.

The trick is - now let it STAY .. stopped.

From one codie to another -
you can't fix it.

(((hug)))

I think he did great saying just stop.

Tells me, the outsider, he may not be as bad off as you think.
He's protecting his boundary.

Honor that.

Buffalo66

my five year old(six in a few days) will sometimes tell me when to stop talking to him.

you kind of have to trust them on that.

aLateen does wonders for some kids, and he is the right age for it.

Sometimes my tears could go on for an hour, and my son is much quicker to feel it, get it, and move on.
I have to consider the fact that I may be having more trouble grappling with things than he is.

You seem like you have matters well in hand as a parent. at least he knows you care, and when he is ready, you will be where he goes to talk.

LucyA

I'm not the mother of a 13 year old son, but I have been twice, and according to his Christmas card I'm like a mum to my 13 year old nephew, so that makes 3 times!

And I still don't always get it right!

At 13 they have a lot going on in thier heads even if theres no alcoholism, I know that because my own two never knew what drunk was at 13!

So I do know it's different for kids who do know what alcoholism is, even if they don't know what the word means.

I try to treat all three of my kids the same (two are mine and one is my alcoholic brothers son) but when it comes to talking and feelings I just can't do it. Not because I don't want to but because of the way my nephew has 'conditioned' himself (or been conditioned). I have to be different with him, I've learned to just let him know that I know what the problem is, without saying outloud exactly what it is, and he will come to me and talk when he is ready. This works for us and he does come to talk when he's ready, but if he's pushed, even slightly, he clams up. And sometimes I know he has a problem, but he wont talk and I just have to let it go.
Sometimes i'm not even thining of problems and I can tell we've just solved one with the conversation we had, but I'm blowed if I know how we did it!

The best thing I do (I think) is listen to them, not just hear what they say but really listen and hear. If he asks you to stop, then stop, he'll talk when he's ready as long as he knows he can trust you to stop when he wants to and not say too much.

Phoenixthebird

jackthedog,
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet

Thumper

I have the book "Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way" by M. Gary Neuman.

I got a lot out of it.

My older kids are only 9yo and 11yo so they still let me read to them. I have another book that I read to them and while they didn't talk with me, it was nice to sort of go over the issues with them in this very non-confrontational way. I only read it when they asked so that worked for us. It is an easy read if he wanted to read something himself. Let me know if you want the title. It is by kids for kids.

jackthedog

thank you....this says it all and it so correct!

jackthedog

yes I would love the title, anything that might help, thanks!

jackthedog

I have noticed I am being a better mother now without AH around, more focused on my son, but not suffocating. I have read great books by Michael Gurian about the Male brain, raising boys to exceptional men, etc which are also great books if anyone is interested. Thanks everyone, I did stop and this morning we had a great time playing games on his new ipod touch, now I want one!!! Anyways, as always, thanks so much everyone, great advice, thoughts and insights, you are all my angels!

Britta

Hi jackthedog!!
So glad things are going the way you deserve. I would love a list of these books.... I am still in training myself. Hee hee....
Angels come in many forms...such as a child
BTW where did you get that pic of that incredibly adorable santa puppy?!?
Britta

jackthedog

I got the picture on SR!

Look up the Author Michael Gurian and you will find the titles.

Thumper

Divorce Is Not the End of the World: Zoe's and Evan's Coping Guide for Kids [Paperback]
Zoe Stern, Evan Stern (Author)

This is the one I read to my boys but I see it is recommended for 9-12yo on Amazon so you'll have to check it out. It talks about how kids can do things/view things themselves to make their own lives better and I liked that aspect of it.

24Years

Jackthedog...I have a 20 and 16 year old daughter and 14 year old son. In my own way I have been teaching them detachment and the serenity prayer for things that are out of their (my) control. If it wasn't for detachment, my 16 year old daughter would be a basketcase because she has naturally been sensitive and has the propensity to throw a huge pity party. My son seems very accepting of what he cannot control which seems a lot to do with his nature as well. I personally don't show a lot of emotion (never have) as I find detachment for me is not an emotional thing, more like a personal decision. Not detaching...now that is emotional. I'm not saying to never show emotion, just saying focusing on detachment and serenity prayer seems to have gotten us very far in coping with alcoholism.