JenT1968

I really feel for you, and am very grateful that I am not having to deal with it as yet. Of course you are anxious and afraid, he is an abusive drunk and she is largely an unknown quantity.

I am not in your position, there is no court order, but our kids only visit with their dad for more than a few hours if it is supervised by his parents or brother. I have spoken to his parents about how if he visits with the children at their house, they are in effect the parents and responsible for the childrens' safety. It was not a comfortable discussion, and not one that I looked forward to, but it went OK and has reassured me. I appreciate the dynamic is different with a new GF, and I've known them for 10+ years.

What also helps me is to try and pin down exactly what it is that I am afraid of, write all of it down, no matter how petty or improbable, and then try and "risk assess" them with someone else neutral: I did this with a counsellor, as I didn't find discussing it with my friends and family useful as I at least percieved that they had agendas that were getting in the way. This helped me let go of the relatively small stuff, (e.g. heavy reference on play involving guns) but also validated that some of my bigger fears were justifiable and that I should trust my gut - these I took to a lawyer so that I have an action plan in place in case exAH doesn't comply with our contact agreement.

You are doing a brilliant job, and DS will know what a functional family is through you. I hope you can find some peace in this horrible situation.

theuncertainty

First I just want to say thanks to all for taking the time to read and to post. It made me cry. I have so much to think about and process.

Thanks for clarifying, Lucy. I honestly don't know where my head is lately or what is going on with my perceptions..... Oh, not really true. I know where I was looking from...

That one call and I'm right back to the defensive mode. I really hate that. I left him so I would no longer need to feel scared or mad or less than and I keep going back there.

Coyote, thank you so much for sharing. I just realized I kind of put you on the spot. Thank you for not taking offense at my question. It's nice to know that I'm not way off the 'norm' on this and that it gets a little easier. I think you and several dear friends here at SR have shared similar information before....

Thumper, oh, there are so many times looking back when I wonder what I was thinking to not only let DS go but dropping him off and driving away. Most notably while XAH was crashing at his friend M's. I've also wished XAH would just move out of state until he and/or I recover. Lately it's been more wanting him to disappear until I catch my footing. So that's a little bit of recovery there on my part, isn't it? No longer counting on his recovery for myself....

More later.

I love you guys!

theuncertainty

Jen and Transformie, your backing my perception of my relationship with XAH helped so much. I've been going back and forth on getting a recording of our divorce hearing where the judge told XAH he was abusive. I didn't want to get stuck, but I think right now it might help.

I am seeing a counselor for PTSD. This thread is going to be this week's topic and I really like the idea of doing a risk assessment with her.

So today there was a raven hanging out by my office window. Just sitting there with his head to one side for a really long time. That and your reference to the Creator, Transformie, reminded me that the Raven is the Creator for my maternal grandmother's heritage. Additional consideration for my HP.

Thank you, again, all. I love you. I really do have a lot to think about.

bookwyrm

Be kind to yourself. It is going to take time for you and your body to unlearn the reactions that you were well schooled in. I know I still have a long way to go with this and I have been no contact for a year. If I see someone walking in the street that looks even slightly like XAH I panic. It may only be for a moment till I realise it isn't him I see but the cold spurt of fear in my belly is still there.

You are doing so well. Remember how far you've come in such a short space of time. Remember your achievements. For me, just surviving, getting through the divorce, taking all the steps I needed to take to get myself out and in my own place is a huge achievement. You're doing great!