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New here with my story.. Looking for guidance

Old 12-24-2010, 10:02 PM
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New here with my story.. Looking for guidance

Hey all! I am a 23 year old mother of two beautiful daughters. My BF and father of my children is a 31 year old alcoholic. He has been for 15 years. We have been together for over 6 years now.. a very LONG 6 years, might I add.

We started dating when I was 17. Two months into the relationship, I was pregnant. I grew up FAST. I never realized that he had a problem until I couldn't go party with him and he left his pregnant girlfriend at home while he went out nearly every single night. I say that I realized that he had a problem, but I didn't really understand the extent of it until much later on. Throughout the years, I have dealt with his legal issues, the binge drinking, losing jobs(every job has been lost because of alcohol), the abuse, the cheating and everything else that comes along with being in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Fast forward to Feb of this year...

We moved from TN to MO because he had gotten a new job in the same area where he is originally from. I was very weary about moving. Especially because we are not married and I have never lived so far away from my family. He insisted that this was a great opportunity for our family and we would be fine with the support from his family. He was right about one thing. I did have his family for anything I needed and I still do, but that's about it.

His drinking got worse once we settled in. His family has a very long history of alcoholism, he is the 4th or 5th generation with the disease. So, when any of his cousins (the only people he hung out with here) get together all they want to do is drink. I can't tell you how many times we have fought over this. He has always put his "social life" and his drinking before everything, including me and the girls.

Things started really going downhill around Halloween. He was pulled over for a DUI that weekend. Someone was looking after him that night. He was arrested, taken to jail, sat in a holding cell for 2 hours, and then an officer took him to his grandparents house. He was never even charged with the DUI. They gave him a ticket for not stopping at flashing red lights instead. I have no idea how he got out of that. I didn't really care at the time. I was still so pissed at him that he left and went to a party the day after I had my gallbladder removed. After this happened, he said that he was going to stop drinking again. He didn't drink, that I knew of, for about 2 weeks. On Nov 15, he went to a show with a friend. He said he wasn't going to drink and of course I believed him. Around 10:30 that night, I got a phone call from him saying that he was being arrested for arson and that I needed to come get him at the county jail. I flipped out! I called his friend to find out what happened and apparently, he was so trashed that he decided to smoke a cig in the bathroom of the bar (no smoking ban) and the bartender claims that he went in the bathroom and there was a pile of toilet paper in the floor on fire. So, they charged him with arson and he spent 18 days in jail until they lowered the bond from 250k to 10k and then his dad bailed him out.

One of the conditions of his dad bailing him out was that he had to go to rehab. Everyone was very skeptical about that because this would be the 4th time going to treatment (1st time since we have been together). We all thought, and still do, what is going to be different this time? The first few days of being home from jail were fine with the exception of him having some anxiety issues. He went to the doctor about the anxiety and they gave him a rx for Klonopin (STUPID, STUPID, STUPID). They also know of his addiction.. He started abusing them immediately and of course he denied it. I emailed his dad and said that he needed to go to rehab sooner rather than later because he is on another path of self destruction. So, on Dec 13 he was admitted to an inpatient treatment center for 30 days. He seems to be doing well, but only time will tell.

I am struggling with so many different emotions right now and half the time I don't know which way is up. I have been participating in his recovery by going to the family group days, which consists of meeting with the family counselor, following him during the day, and meeting with him and his counselor. It is very beneficial for me because I really do not understand why he is the way he is. I am slowly starting to realize that alcoholism effects me just as much as it does him and that I am not the reason for his drinking. I know that I cannot make him change or make him do anything for that matter, but it's hard because I am a nurturer and I want to help "fix" everything. I have not made it to Al-anon yet, but I have been lurking on here for a few days and have been reading several of the Al-anon books. I am willing to do whatever it takes to understand and to take care of myself so that we can be a family. I know this is not going to be easy, and I don't think I could do this at all or even be willing if I didn't know that I really loved him more than anything. I am still struggling with all of the abuse that I have put up with. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have completely isolated myself from all of my friends and even most of my family.

I am just very thankful that I came across this place and I can read others experiences. This is difficult for me to have to deal with, especially while raising two kids and trying to go to school.

Thank you so much if you read all of this. I have needed to get this out for some time now. Any advice or suggestions you could give me that would help during this time would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 12-24-2010, 10:53 PM
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((((BrittBritt)))) - welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.

FWIW, I've been a codie (codependent) all my life, from what I can remember. I was also the nurturing one..even went into nursing because THEN I could "fix" people, or at least try.

I'm also an RA (recovering addict), did that at the end of my nursing career, and no longer HAVE that career.

I've been on both sides of the fence, and honestly (IMO), the codie part has been harder. I can stay away from drugs, I can't stay away from people.

The best ES&H (experience, strength and hope) I can give is that you each need to work your OWN recovery programs. I don't think there's anything wrong with you going to the family meetings and stuff, but you need your OWN support...like here, people who have gone through it.

His recovery is totally up to him. He'll do it or he won't. Love won't cure alcoholism/addiction. If it did, there wouldn't be so many thousands of people that use this board...and it's only one recovery board.

I didn't even seek recovery (from my addiction) until I had faced some harsh consequences....loss of a career, jail time, and family/friends stepping back and allowing me to face those consequences.

I strongly suggest you find support other than his family. You and your daughters deserve a stable environment. There may come a time, and I know you probably can't see that right now, but it may happen...you have to put your foot down and say "I can't take this any more". A lot of us have been there, but it took time to get to that point. I would be wary of his family being so supportive if that were to happen.

I'm glad you've found us. When I first got here, I'd left my XABF#3 (ex addict bf..the third one) and read a lot of threads about what other people had been through, how they got through it, and started taking baby steps. Al-anon is a great resource for a lot of people. Sometimes you just need that f2f support.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 12-24-2010, 10:53 PM
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Originally Posted by brittbritt40 View Post
I am still struggling with all of the abuse that I have put up with. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have completely isolated myself from all of my friends and even most of my family.
We are at the same spot here. It was so easy to give in, at first it made sense even, but now that I'm suffering through this and trying to figure things out I've learned that I have no one to really talk to, much less spend time with.

(((HUGS)))
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Old 12-24-2010, 11:03 PM
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same planet...different world
 
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Wow.

Hi Britbrit, and welcome to Soberrecovery.

YOu posted your first post about the same time as another person,
so let me say first WELCOME!

I'm glad you said you'd been lurking and reading,
that's usualy the first thing I ask people to do
is to read the stickies and threads
and see how things work.

Wow.
I was also at one time 23 years old with two children
(heh about a million years ago)
and in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic.

I'm glad to read you're going to give Alanon a try
because I remember there were times
that I would just call a friend
at that point - it could be anyone really -
and say,
"I don't care what you say, just talk."
"I need to talk to anyone who is over the age of four."

LOL

But to have the pressures of raising children
especially very young children
with no partner -
and whether he's in the house or not
when an addict or alcoholic
is married to their disease first
you are alone.
And not a person on this forum
would argue that one.

and that isn't even a little bit funny.

Alanon can give you the SANE support you will need
to get your littleones through whatever is going to happen
because those people have been there as well.

Support in the real world is so very important.

I'm glad you've found us too!
Such a well written first post -
and quite revealing as well.

I hope you will continue to post
it may not be as hopping here tonight
as it usually is
because of the holiday

But now that you're here
you're not alone any more.

Welcome to SR.
I look forward to getting to know you better!
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Old 12-24-2010, 11:22 PM
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Hello, Brittbritt40. Welcome to SR. I'm glad you've found us, but sorry for what brings you here.

I know you probably don't feel like it, but you are doing an amazing job! Raising 2 girls, going to school and dealing with an alcoholic. The first 2 alone are hard, the last one is hard. You put all 3 together and.... You are amazing.

Wishing you peace and continued strength.
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Old 12-24-2010, 11:34 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
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I don't think I could do this at all or even be willing if I didn't know that I really loved him more than anything. I am still struggling with all of the abuse that I have put up with. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have completely isolated myself from all of my friends and even most of my family.
I always thought the "I love him more than ANYTHING" line was so romantic. That's what we're taught isn't it...stand by your man, love him more than you love yourself, put him and everyone else first...

Am learning and have now come to believe that it's all just bull.

The reason you and I and a lot of people here put up with abuse, lose ourselves, isolate and think that love will conquer all is because we love them more than we love ourselves. If we loved ourselves we wouldn't put us through the abuse. We would know it's not right or natural to stick by a man who abuses you and who puts alcohol before his family.

It does take a while before you realise that living with an alcoholic changes you. It took me 2 years of complete insanity to find this forum and start on my path of change but Sober Recovery worked for me and it can help you too.

What helped me more than anything was learning about codependancy. Learning about enabling and stopping it. Learning about detaching and doing it. Learning about boundaries and enforcing them and learning how to love myself more than I loved him, putting me first because no one else did.

I really suggest finding an alanon meeting in your area but know that it can take time to will up the courage to go.

In the mean time try and get on Amazon or Ebay etc. and order a copy of "Codependant No More" by Melody Beattie. It will open your eyes and the whole way through it you'll be thinking "this is me, this is me"!

The stickys (permanent threads) at the top of the Friends and Family forum have so much information, read as much as you can and educate yourself about codependency and alcoholism, if you're planning on sticking with him then you need all the energy and "power" you can muster and education gives you the tools to hold on to yourself amid the madness.

Happy Christmas. xx
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Old 12-24-2010, 11:59 PM
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sorry ! got the new threads mixed up. excuse me.
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Old 12-25-2010, 06:16 AM
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brittbritt,

Welcome! We're glad you found us.

I was married to an alcoholic for six years. We went through many of the things you mentioned. My life became as insane as his. In the end I had to save myself. We've been divorced nearly a year. Nothing made him stop...not jail, d.u.i., nearly losing his life, health, rehab, divorce. Nothing. He will stop if and when he wants to and I pray for him to do so.

This forum and AlAnon saved my life. I have learned that all I can do is to take care of myself. My life is returning to normal and is so much better than it was while living with an alcoholic.

Codependent No More by Melanie Beaty is excellent. The more you educate yourself the better prepared you will be to do what you need to do to take care of you and your children.


I urge you to find an AlAnon group that you feel comfortable with. I am a better person for being a member of my group.
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Old 12-25-2010, 03:54 PM
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I just wanted to say thank you to each and every one of you that read and/or replied. I really needed to hear those things right now. Today has been especially rough.

I will definitely get a copy of the book some of you mentioned. I will add it to my stack of Al-anon books that I am making my way through.

Again, thank you! I plan on going to Al-anon as soon as I can find a sitter. There is one meeting a week that offers childcare so I will definitely attend that one.

-Britt
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