Why am I still with him? What is wrong with me?
 

I haven't posted since my first post couple of weeks ago. But, I've been lurking.

Well, I sit here right now after having my 8 year old just tell me that abf told her that "I had my girlfriend over last night" and that they played poker on my tv and "listened to music." In my apartment, which is in my name. While dd's and myself and our twins were sleeping. She must've come over after 1230. He told dd not to say anything to me and apparently he told dd that she is his "friend."

I believe that this is his stupid ex. He told me last week that she emailed him and asked how he was doing. Of course, he emailed her back. This isn't the first time they've hung out. She's his old drinking buddy and apparently girl he would sometimes do drugs with. Nice, huh? She used to visit him when he lived at his old place; now he's going to bring her here?!

Why would he tell dd? Why?

DD said that it's weird.

I need to get him out of here. I'm just sick of this.

He bought his babies NOTHING for Christmas. (My 3 dd's are from my first marriage, the twins are ours and they are almost 5 months old). He used his unemployment check all up on god knows what.

I don't need him, he contributes nothing, sleeps in every day, rarely helps out around this place.

WHY can't I get up the courage to get him out of here. WHY? What is wrong with me. What does he have to do to me for me to get fed up?

only you can answer the question. I recommend reading some of the stickies at the top of the forum to learn more about your experience and the illness. It may help you to make different choices for yourself and kids.

And keep posting and reading other threads. There is a lot of wisdom and experience here.

Nothing is wrong with you. We all have to get to where we need to be on our own time. Don't be so hard on yourself. You will figure it out. Iam so grateful for this sight - it helped me find the courage to tell AH 12 days ago I had had enough. Enjoy your holiday with your kids! You are blessed!

I kicked mine out several months ago, even, and took him back in by the weekend. I thought it was it, I thought I was doing it for good... but I couldn't stick with it, so it didn't work.
It takes a lot of courage to go through with it, and if you do, he may not be there but that doesn't mean all the damage goes away. You're going to have a lot to work through yourself.

I'm working through my demons, little by little, starting with this sluggishness where I'm too lazy to leave the house, and the loneliness. This is the first morning waking up without him there in a long time, and the first time he's not pushing to "go out and do things" with that adorable goofy smile of his... But that man I love is there less and less frequently, and the angry one that takes his place became much more hurtful and verbal, so it was time. (My breaking point was when he started throwing things all over the house and yelling at me with a face that looked like a polar bear ready to maul the person in its path... Went to work that evening instead, didn't get any sleep - enough was enough. But it took an awful lot to get there, and a sane and experienced person backing me up.)

My suggestion? Go somewhere you can be alone. Just breathe. Become re-acquainted with who you are as a person. Decide what the real inner you wants, and recognize that any course of action is going to be painful, even the ones that look "easy".

I can't tell you how many times I have allowed dead weight to attach to me and then allowed myself to get even more deeply and severely attached to the dead weight (which normally was emotional and financial). First I had to get myself emotionally detached from the person (which took a lot of conscious effort to change the way I think and the way I see myself and the world around me). Then I had to cut myself loose financially, sometimes biting the bullet, letting go of a lot of wants and expectations, and having the courage to go it alone, come what may sink or swim.

I've had to do this several times in my life and I can tell you that each time I did it, I learned more, and have gotten smart about not letting myself fall back into that old trap again.

Can't tell you how great it feels to be free of the dead weight and the chains that bound me.

Not that it really matters, but it was brought up. He said that all he was doing was "joking." That she never was here.

Whatever.

Of course, that led to him being annoyed and angry and getting upset that I was drinking the iced tea, that I bought, mind you, and not the diet pop that he picked up (which I also bought). He said that "since you don't buy my beer, I'm not going to pick up your iced tea, or pop or whatever." I said that since I bought it with MY money, I'll drink whatever I feel like drinking, and that it's NOT my responsibility to buy your beer when you're out of your unemployment.

My kids and I plan on enjoying the holiday!!

Thanks for letting me come here and get it out.

Telling DD something inappropriate is going on and then to keep it a secret from her mother is no joke.

He is just trying to start something today, isn't he?

Live, seems that way.

Thing is, he has no money for beer, and he isn't getting any from me and his sister, who's house we're going to later, won't have any alcohol, either.

Too bad for him!!!!

Hope he doesn't spend the day picking on you about it. That gets so old very fast.

Glad you have happy plans for you and DD for later!

God knows what goes on in their heads. I just had my Aunt mail me to say that she has no money and she's sorry she couldn't buy my daughter a present this year but she would make up for it next year. That would be fine if it were true but I happen to know she's been to two rock concerts in the last fortnight and has been out drinking with pals nearly every night AND has my nan paying her morgage.

Least your kids have you. x

There is nothing wrong with you. It isn't easy to just pick up and leave any situation, esp one with children involved. Beyond his drinking and those issues, he is also very disrespectful. Bringing another woman into YOUR home and telling your child about it is a really despicable thing to do. It shows that there is so much wrong with him, not you.

I think when we stay in these kinds of situations, it is because we don't feel we are worth being treated better or that this is what love is like. You do deserve to be treated better and this isn't love.

You may feel 'stuck' right now because the shock of his behaviors is almost unreal. Picking up and leaving isn't always that simple but having a plan for your future is something you can think about. Then you will feel like you are doing something about it and when the time comes, you will take whatever action you need to.

Hang in there. You are being put through a lot and deserve so much better.

so sick of this type of mindgame. he misses the point altogether.

so now he is dragging the kids into the "crap"....ooh brother..not good....please try AL ANON...can you get someone to watch the kids for 1 1/2 hours?....when YOU are sick and tired, you will get the nerve to do something...but in the mean time...be patient, and listen to your Higher Power...think things through...like leaving?kicking him out? Al anon may help you. Please dont do anything hasty THIS TAKES TIME.....

watch your money...listen for the lies...the manulipations...

but remember this:
the three C's
1. You did not cause this
2. You can not control this
3. You can not cure this

he is gonna want to do this for himself....
read here in SR...lots of :lightbulb moments....ask questions...we are here to share our experiences