froglegs

Just wanted to say something.....

A lot of us who come to this forum are looking for some sort of validation...most of us are codies, so if something changes in our lives, we have a decision to make or something is wearing on us we can come here and get our feelings validated most of the time....

That being said I just wanted to point out that many of us have decided to leave our A's...Sometimes we find ourselves in a relationship quite soon after leaving. I see alot of justifying (including me) this. I just wanted to say that at least in my own situation I spent the last 6 years of my 11 year marriage lonely, unhappy, detached and completely miserable. For me I have in a sense "been alone" for the last 6 years so I have been longing for a partner to love me and care about me for a long time. Not just the length of my seperation or divorce...it goes way beyond that.

I hate seeing "time frames" on here. Most of us are adults and have been there done that. We know ourselves like the back of our hand. We are not just starting out, naive to the world and learning what makes us tick...by now we know.

After I posted last night it got me thinking. I dont have to justify my feelings about someone, or be ashamed or feel like I have to come here for approval (although I love u guys and what u have to say...dont get me wrong)

We all just want to be happy. Some of us have found someone right after leaving the other. Our hearts were open, we were ready for it...yay for us! Don't be ashamed. Don't feel bad. Be greatful, be excited..good things are happening! We DESERVE it...right? It's our turn dammit!

I just wanted to say that....after reading a really long post by someone who was getting out into the dating world again and all the feedback she got on what to do, what not to do, and why... I thought I would make mention...

Happy Holidays everyone! xo

TakingCharge999

Happy Holiday to you too froglegs

Live

I very much agree with you.

TakingCharge999

I was thinking sometimes for the ones deep in codependency such as myself, its like an alcoholic saying "its just one beer" - sometimes it takes more inner work not to obsess too much about someone else and start giving them our power...

I was happy to have a plan then it didn't happen, all day I felt abandoned and "not good enough", a loser etc etc. so that was a red flag for myself and about my need for approval... and I remembered many times when I tried to get out there but unconsciously I feel undeserving of attention (ugh) and people don't show up or cancel at the last minute... I spent many birthdays like that...


Then again if you don't make any plan trying to "focus on yourself" you can think you are doing good - and its only when you test the waters when you can see the reality about yourself.


My goal is to be able to enjoy and relax someone else's company in the present moment and of course choose my company better. Also to use my intuition to make sure any shows of interest are equal, often I am the one inviting or giving attention to someone when they don't give the same to me... and for some reason ignoring people that show they care...

cafleen

Love happens at inconvenient times I always say.

No, adults do no have to justify their feelings or choices. Growth is learning to let go of the need for validation and it is also letting go of the need to advise and impart your unique wisdom upon others.

But that line is tricky for all people.

I say, enjoy what you have for as long as it's intended to last. You have been reflecting and growing...take those new tools with you to this new experience. Learn to take things as they come, never forcing an end. Live, laugh, love.

Happy Holidays.

TakingCharge999

cafleen, you just described Zen philosophy

SR is also great in that way that everyone can chip in and then you take what you want and leave the rest... for me it is HUGE to be able to discuss a topic with the collective wisdom, when before I would have never done it... I thought I KNEW what I was doing and I never even talked to my mom about it or shared with ANYONE... thus making the same mistakes over and over and over...

I like the freedom you described, cafleen. Yesterday I talked to a woman who is an old timer in Alanon and she said it was difficult not to conform to the norm and not behave as expected (in my country, that means getting a man-any man-ASAP, and having children and living to please the husband and kids to the extent of having 20+ year olds unable to prepare a sandwich by themselves)

Anyway... happy holidays to you too

Babyblue

We all have varying degrees of co-dependency as well. And like you say, a lifetime of experience based upon where we come from, what we have done in our lives, etc. It is why some people thrive regardless of what has come their way and others have had a much more difficult time.

I appreciate feedback but there was a point in time when I was transferring some of the stories I read onto my situation which actually caused me MORE stress. Then I realized that while there are similarities when it comes to the A's in our life, our capacity to handle things depends on so many factors.

It is also very easy to look at someone else's story and think you know better than they do but you really don't. Posts reveal only a tiny slice of who we are and what we are experiencing. Sometimes people just want to process what they are going through and it may come across as a co-dependent mess but maybe they are just reflecting on their experience. I know when I am low or sad about the RABF it is easy to think I am sitting around crying all day. Hardly. I post when I'm sad maybe but it is just a snapshot of a bigger picture for me.

Sorry for the ramble...
oh and I love your handle Froglegs!