Jailed Brother and I'm Worried
 

I am a recovered alcoholic who continues to deal with my younger brothers antics. The latest is that he is in jail for various theft and drug charges and I feel the need to bail him out. I have read that jail is a safe place for the addict, however, I know that is not always the case. Big city urban jails are filled with rampant violence and drug use is going on in the facility as well. He is crying to my mother that he is getting beat up by other inmates and she wants him bonded out immediately. Other inmates are demanding commissary funds from him or else he will be dealt with. The jail he is incarcerated at is notorious for federal violations including; lack of medical care, guard assaults, inmate violence, no medical care, overcrowding ect... It is a hell hole. The thing is I want him to realize his consequences, however, he may get killed while waiting his next court date. His bond is 5,000 so i can put up the money but really don't know what to do. Complaining to the guards is useless and he will be labeled a snitch. Help?!

Justfor1, you actually have your younger brother right where YOU want him! "Get Thee to a Lawyer!" and see if you can bail him out and placed in a rehab facility for treatment. Hopefully he is at a point that he wants HELP!

Phoenix

Thanks Phoenix. He is not even getting his 3 square meals a day because other inmates are stealing from him. He has asked for a transfer for a different unit but the guards said no. He is in for burglary and possession of heroin. He actually stole Christmas presents from a friend to get his fix. He has so many prior felonies that at this point the court no longer cares. It's prison time and that is it. He has undergone court mandated treatment on his 3rd DUI when he crashed into a department store at 4AM. His girlfriend thinks that hes just going to grow out of it which I think is unlikely. He claimed his bottom was driving through the local K-mart drunk and high on heroine but here we go again.......

(((Justfor1))) - It sounds like he's going to prison, no matter whether you bail him out or not. I get that this jail is a bad place. I'm an RA, myself, and though my jail time wasn't so bad, I know of others who did have it bad.

I would still have serious hesitation about getting him out. What are the chances he'll actually show up at his court date? If he doesn't he may very well end up back in the same place...without the option of bond. He may kill himself or someone else if he goes back out.

If you can bond him out, and totally have no expectations of what he does, then I guess I would. It's hard to say, when we're not IN the situation. I just know that before I do something, I'll be as okay as I can, without having a hand in the outcome. I never bailed my XABF out, as he called jail "just another place" and was very good at going right back to the dope as soon as he got out. He died a year ago, but I had left him, for MY recovery, and I know I couldn't have changed the situation.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

I'm so sorry! NOW it's time for you and the rest of your family to detach with love!
Remember the slogan "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it".
Take care of yourself FIRST and FOREMOST!

Phoenix

My advice to anyone in this situation would be to not bail him out,this could be the one thing that could make him see the truth of why he is in there.... HIM.

But i am from the uk and prison here is not so bad but even still he needs to see what he is doing to himself and this could be one of the ways in which he will.

Has he been in prison before?

I think your brother is where he needs to be.

Let Go and give him to HP.

Hi, I'm known as Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also the recovering partner of a 14 year marriage to an alcoholic.
I am also a recovering codependent (fixer/rescuer)

I have a desire to help others, even if it means neglecting myself. I am learning to take better care of me and allow other adults to take care of themselves. Detaching and letting my loved ones experience the consequences of their actions has given me back my serenity.

I understand that you're concerned about your brother's safety and health while incarcerated. I encourage you to keep him in prayer that he finds his way to recovery this time.

I also understand the need to believe my alcoholic's story of "terminal uniqueness". Their circumstances always are the exception to the rule. They aren't like the others. They deserve better treatment. They are victims of society's rules. (remember, I too was an alcoholic).

From both sides of the fence (family addict/personal addict), I say: BS

Big city urban jails are filled with rampant violence and drug use is going on in the facility as well.
So are the streets outside. He is a felon.

Other inmates are demanding commissary funds from him or else he will be dealt with. The jail he is incarcerated at is notorious for federal violations including; lack of medical care, guard assaults, inmate violence, no medical care, overcrowding ect... It is a hell hole. The thing is I want him to realize his consequences, however, he may get killed while waiting his next court date.
He stole from friends to feed his habit. He is a felon.

He is not even getting his 3 square meals a day because other inmates are stealing from him.
He was drinking and drugging on the outside. Addicts don't get 3 square when they are using.

He has so many prior felonies that at this point the court no longer cares. It's prison time and that is it. He has undergone court mandated treatment on his 3rd DUI when he crashed into a department store at 4AM.
Play the tape forward for this addict. If you post bail, what will he do when he gets out? What will he do for money? Entertainment? Food? Shelter? Therapy? How much more money are you willing to throw at a life that doesn't want to change?

He is in for burglary and possession of heroin. He actually stole Christmas presents from a friend to get his fix.
Have you considered using the bond money to reimburse this family?

I have been lied to and stolen from by my alcoholic.
I loved him.

My love was not enough to fix him or protect myself.

If you put up 5k in bond money be fully prepared to loose it.

Trust me, jail is the best place for him. I speak from my own experience. Jail isnt supposed to be all "warm and fuzzy" Its not a nice place at all, and that is what I needed to realize that the way I was living was no good. I have been bailed out more times than I can remember. Not one time did it do me any good. Accountibility is key here. Good luck.

Ps. All those "violations" you mentioned are typical of every institution I have been in. Its jail not a bed and breakfeast. Every time I complained the response was "dont come to jail if you dont like the accomodations".

master liers we are .. sure its probly bad in there .. but the fact remains the same , he will tell you what ever he needs to tell the ppl outside anything just to get out , hes sick and wants to get out to use/drink what ever be the case . Pelican posted it just right .. hes still better off where he is then outside on the streets .
you dont have to worry bout where he is or what hes doing .. let him stay and learn he cant do what he has been doing and get away with it huggles Endzy

Hopefully I am not telling you anything you don't know already. Addicts can/will say anything to manipulate others, especially enablers. This is the simple but sad reality.

Unless you have seen with your own eyes all the things he claims are happening to him (or can be verified by a impartial non addict third party) I would not be moved.

Rehab counselors and addiction psychiatrists typically call family to get the real story even while under treatment.

Crashing a car into buildings is serious and it is just luck nobody was killed or maimed.

Lets say after you bail him out he crashes a car(again) and kills some people (entirely possible)

Some of my current friends are sober and live a normal great life, but it was prison that motivated them to change.

If it were me, I'd buy some replacement Christmas presents for those people.

(((Justfor1))) - one other thing, I just remembered, from when I was locked up. One of the guards told us "we don't WANT to make it nice here...we want you to hate it enough, you don't want to come back".

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Your brother is in a good place. Right were he needs to be. He's got a roof over his head, food, and a place to sleep and get sobered up. DON'T BAIL him out!

My son was arrested 3 days ago for speeding. The officer then realized that he didn't have a valid license, and there were two warrants out for him due to his previous OWI offenses and running from them. He was given his rights, and then proceeded to pound the arresting officer and now has a Felony E charge against him for battery to a policeman! His bail is $5K, and of course he called me to ask him to bail him out.

All I said was "I don't pay for bad behavior" to which he replied "but Mom, it's Christmas". I told him NO again, and wished him luck in getting to the bottom of his problems, and told him 'only then will he find the answer' to what he needs to change in his life.

So, his actions and denial to deal with his issues before have not only ruined his Christmas, but his family's as well. I for one was not looking forward to his antics at the holiday gathering and won't miss it one bit. Hate to say that, but it is the truth.

I know I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. I SAID NO.

You can too!

Have you gone to Alanon or NAranon? My daughter is a heroin addict (now in recovery) and it really helped learn what was helping and what was hurting her..also helped me detach with love and not feel responsible for the CONSEQUENCES of HER ADDICTION..she needed to feel those to want to get clean.She could've dies on any given day .they SHOOT HEROIN you cannot get more dangerous than that..prison,jail, no place.

Thanks everyone but I am planning on bonding him out by the end of the week. He has asthma and they are not giving him his medication for it. I saw him at his first court appearance and his face and head had bruises all over. He is getting beat up daily. He has asked to go into Protective Custody but was denied. I feel that he would be in a safer place living with my mother until his final court date than in the county jail. They say that the state prisons here in IL are actually safer than this county jail. I guess I'm an enabler but I couldn't live with myself if something happens to him in there.

Thanks for checking in.

you do what brings you peace.

We are here for you.

Is this the first time you have bailed him out?

You may wish to establish boundaries and tell him you will not bail him out again. Hopefully the fear of future incarceration will help motivate him to sobriety.

Do you think the way he is being treated is different from the way other inmates are treated? From many years working in emergency rooms I can tell you that as soon as addicts get arrested their pre-existing illnesses suddenly become active requiring hospital visits prior to jail. Their twisted logic somehow tells them they can avoid jail if they go to the hospital. Typically, drugging, drinking, smoking happy as can be but somehow getting arrested starts the asthma, seizure disorder, migraine headache, etc etc. I am sorry, did what I say suggest they are faking illness

Merry xmas

I can understand your point if he has asthma and is not getting his medicines. I was an RN, before my addiction took over, and that's a big deal.

Just for your info, the inmates are suing the jail, here in town, as it's a law that they receive 3 hot meals a day, the equipment broke, and they are in serious trouble. I don't know of it would have any effect, but being denied medical care, I think, is a serious thing...even a law, and he may be able to do something about it...don't really know.

I just hope he doesn't get back on his old trail and get in more trouble. Go with your gut...mine has never failed me.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Well, you must follow your instincts I guess, and pray that this will be a turning point for him. Do protect yourself and remember that you didn't cause this and can't control it.

As for my son, he's decided to get a title loan on his truck to raise bail money. I'll have no part in it... he has a friend who is arranging it for him. Wouldn't have been my choice, but I have no control over the situation and won't interfere. My thoughts are that by the time the 30 days have nearly come to pass that his title loan will be due in full... he'll come to me and ask for the money. Which of course I WILL NOT provide.
The path to the bottom is rocky and miserable, as is the climb up - but so well worth it for those who manage to pull their lives together!

I wish you peace.

And those are friends that do not already "know better"., the ones that have not been burned yet.