Need someone to talk to
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Perhaps another recovering alcoholic (19+ years) can she some light. Your husband's behavior certainly is unacceptable.
We have a saying: you can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber ... in other words, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. But alcoholics can change and grow when they have a program like AA and therapy. That and a wonderful psychiatrist who keeps me sane with anti-depressants. If I didn't work hard on myself I'd probably be just like your husband (although it's unlikely I'd have stayed alive very long)
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What we learn in AA is this: I am responsible for everything I think, say and do. I have to change myself if I want friends and family, must become a warm giving person instead of someone who just takes from others. The self-pity, anger, self-hate, enormous ego plus low self-esteem had to change and with a lot of work, I don't resemble that person.
What is critical is that you take care of yourself and the children. There is nothing you can say or do that will affect someone who won't get help, but you can part ways with a destructive and self-destructive person who will either sink or swim on his own. Continuing to stay is enabling the bad behavior.
We have a saying: you can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber ... in other words, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. But alcoholics can change and grow when they have a program like AA and therapy. That and a wonderful psychiatrist who keeps me sane with anti-depressants. If I didn't work hard on myself I'd probably be just like your husband (although it's unlikely I'd have stayed alive very long)
.
What we learn in AA is this: I am responsible for everything I think, say and do. I have to change myself if I want friends and family, must become a warm giving person instead of someone who just takes from others. The self-pity, anger, self-hate, enormous ego plus low self-esteem had to change and with a lot of work, I don't resemble that person.
What is critical is that you take care of yourself and the children. There is nothing you can say or do that will affect someone who won't get help, but you can part ways with a destructive and self-destructive person who will either sink or swim on his own. Continuing to stay is enabling the bad behavior.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7
Thank you for your response NYCDoglvr! My husband knows that he is the problem and that if he doesn't get better, it's all over. He is actively working "in" the AA program and not "around" it. Right now I feel like I need to give this a chance. So we go one day at a time. My sister knows about the situation and feels the only answer is to get out and so now she won't talk to me and she hates my husband. I am scared that she is going to tell my mother and then she will have the same feelings, and it will be me choosing between my husband and them. Ughh! So hard!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Sweetie, I am sorry that your family is trying to control you. It's hard when we confide in friends or family and they turn it on us and try to get us to do what they think is the right thing. Love is not controlling.
That said, try not to let it get to you. If you have not been to Al Anon, I highly recommend it, and its readings. They and this site have helped me very much in not always feeling that I need approval from others in order to do what is right for me at the moment. I don't have all the answers, no one does. It is the acceptance of that simple fact that has freed me.
Keep reading and posting, and you will know what to do and when to do it. It does get easier. Take care of you
That said, try not to let it get to you. If you have not been to Al Anon, I highly recommend it, and its readings. They and this site have helped me very much in not always feeling that I need approval from others in order to do what is right for me at the moment. I don't have all the answers, no one does. It is the acceptance of that simple fact that has freed me.
Keep reading and posting, and you will know what to do and when to do it. It does get easier. Take care of you
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