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Old 12-21-2010, 11:58 AM
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New here

Hi Everyone,
I am new to SR and have spent the better part of the last 24 hours reading your posts, crying, laughing and feeling less alone than I have in a very long time.
For ease of reading, I will call him AH (though we are not married, we have 2 daughters and 10 years "together").

At first it was fun. I was young and a bartender. ( I see the attraction now) We went out a lot to bars and clubs, it was fun, everyone was doing it. Looking back, I remember talking briefly on the phone to AH's brother who said that he and his mom were just concerned that I was enabling AH. I had no idea what that meant, it might as well have been in another languange. I remember the day when I found the empties...it was all so confusing to me. I couldn't understand why he would keep empties for so long-there must have been a year's worth there. WRONG. Probably a week or two worth of them. I had no previous experience with alcoholism in my life. It really started hitting home when he was drunk when I was giving birth to our first daughter. It has been a steady decline ever since. He is verbally abusive to me (even in front of the kids) he can't keep a job, drives drunk all the time and has the look, smell and deteriorated brain function of a late stage alcoholic. A few months ago, I leased a house for my daughters and I and we got out of there. For about a month things were really good for us. Then he was evicted. I agreed (being the codie that I am) to let him stay on my couch occasionally. At least I could kick him out legally. I finally got him to agree to go into a rehab, which he ended up being a no show for. He was living in his car for a bit, then the really cold temperatures hit. I use the metaphor that it is like he has a crowbar and just pushes his way in. Except his crowbar is guilt and manipulation. About a week ago I had enough and told him to get out, and he did. It is very hard on me...he texts constantly about the "hell that I put him in" and how I am cold and heartless and how he hopes that I die a slow death and go straight to hell, etc. He plays on my emotions and is currently using the holidays as his excuse to need to come over. Problem is, once he walks through the door it takes everything I have in me to get him out. I am trying to be humane (it is below zero) but again sacrificing my well being and that of the kids for his comfort. Recently I have been experiencing headaches, neck soreness and nosebleeds, which I think is all stress related to this. His parents/brother have been going through this for years with him, and are not willing to help him or deal with it in any way, shape or form. I am at that stage now as well, however I am the one who he calls, texts and guilts on a daily basis. I guess what I really need is a good pep talk. I wish he would have come with a disclaimer. Any input, advice or anything else would be greatly appreciated. I need to get off of this roller coaster once and for all.
Thanks for listening. This was the shortest version possible.
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Old 12-21-2010, 12:06 PM
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Welcome MyBetterWorld!!
If he calls you can avoid answering the phone.
You can change your number.
You can delete the messages without reading them.

he texts constantly about the "hell that I put him in"
He put HIMSELF in that hell. You have given him a lot of chances already to get his act together. Unfortunately he has to wake up and be fed up with his life, by himself.

If you don't mind me asking , do you have a therapist? I have one and she has helped me "Zoom out" and realize why I feel guilty when I am doing the bare basics to take care of myself. Alanon helps many people, too, to realize:

-you can't cure him
-you can't control him
-you didn't cause his addiction

Thank you for sharing your story. We all get how it feels. But you are not powerless and certainly you are not alone, here we are rooting for you, and for your peace. You are worth it! thanks for getting your daughters out of his madness. You are making lots of progress - progress, not perfection. Perhaps losing you altogether is what motivates him to recover? stay strong.
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Old 12-21-2010, 12:09 PM
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He is putting himself in his own hell. You just are maxed out on your patience and compassion. And rightly so.

He is sleeping in his car because he can't afford a hotel because he has no money because he can't keep a job because he drinks and any money he does have goes to drinking, yadda yadda yadda.

Lather, rinse, repeat!

Sadly, he is so in it right now that nothing you do or say will matter. There are shelters he can go do, free treatments are out there.

In the meantime, really put up your boundaries because it is clearly taking a toll.

No one is forcing him to be in the place he is. He is chosing alcohol over stability at this point.

Stay strong
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Old 12-21-2010, 12:29 PM
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He put himself in his own personal hell, and until he is ready to get out of it, there is nothing anyone can do.

Yeah for you for getting your girls out of there...hang tough...do not let him work his way in to your peaceful home.

Al-anon is very helpful as well, and there are on-line meeting available too, if you cannot get to one face to face. Keep reading and posting. This is a wonderfully supportive and helpful forum
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Old 12-21-2010, 12:58 PM
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When my xah was laying on the guilt like you describe I finally went no contact to everything except emails. I only responded to the one's about the kids that were about logistics - ignored the one's that threw around blame, guilt, and some other form of manipulation. If I would have had a good friend I'd have had her read them first before me so I wouldn't have had to even read the garbage ones. It really went a long long long way in helping me to reach a level of detachment and clarity.

Wishing you the best...
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Old 12-21-2010, 01:08 PM
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hello and welcome-

due to the temperature, i think if i was in yours shoes, i would research some local shelters and text him the phone numbers. and then i wouldn't take his calls anymore, only text messages regarding the girls.

if you have a good friend, you could buy a pay as you go cell phone and give it to her. that way, if it's important, she can tell you and she censor out the rest. and then you can change your own phone number or block him on your phone.

naive
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Old 12-21-2010, 01:23 PM
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Thank you everyone. To answer some of your questions, I saw a therapist about a year and a half ago. It helped to vent, but really didn't give me any insight as what to do. Maybe I should find a different one. I researched the shelters in our area and did send him the info multiple times. His response: "take your shelter and shove it up your a** "
How dare you keep me away from MY KIDS? I will not have you poison them with lies about me......" blah blah blah. I have considered screening him and I suppose my reasons for not doing so are just codependent excuses.
I have to say that just having people out there who understand and have walked in my shoes really helps. I find your posts funny, heartbreaking, familiar and helpful. Misery does love company, after all. Thank you all so very much just for listening. I know what I need to do, but hearing others tell me exactly that is comforting. THANK YOU ALL.
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Old 12-21-2010, 01:28 PM
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As for the excuse.....he has a job interview (2nd interview, god knows how) tomorrow. If he can't rest, shower, etc., how will he ever get this job and get out of my hair? Ridiculous, I know. My wildest wish is that he can get this and keep it long enough to get himself a place to live. Keep that place? Probably not, but then I wouldn't be kicking him out, his landlord would. I have a real problem with guilt and show compassion to a fault. Ugg.
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Old 12-21-2010, 01:29 PM
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He seems very sad and angry but remember that is due to his family history and personal issues, it says nothing about you.

I have visited several therapists and it really is a HUGE change to have someone that gets codependency & addiction dynamics. I hope you find someone who you can click with and can help you more. This is tough stuff and you don't have to do this alone.

Get your "cheerleader squad" (for me it is: my Mom, my sister, my therapist, my best girlfriend and SR)
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Old 12-21-2010, 06:09 PM
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I love this, MyBetterWorld:
Originally Posted by MyBetterWorld View Post
I wish he would have come with a disclaimer.
Wouldn't it be great if there was one.

BEWARE! This person will drink excessively on a near continuous basis. Will blame you for all the cr-p his drinking brings on. Will fail to hold a job for any length of time. Will go from telling you his boss 'thinks I'm god' to 'they disrespected me so I quit' in a matter of days, repeatedly. Will verbally abuse, physically threaten you and will generally put you in fear of your sanity and life.

Oh, well, then (tilts head to the side and considers). He is handsome, but when he comes with that..... I think I'll pass.

Of course, that assumes, I'd be healthy enough to walk away and not think 'Oh, that's not too bad. I can help him be better.'

Welcome to SR, BTW. (I love your name.)
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Old 12-21-2010, 06:39 PM
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The shelters don't have any shower facilities or alarm clocks??

I can give you one disclaimer: none of the money he makes on any job will go toward securing any self-sufficiency. You will be lucky to get any to help with your household expenses. His drinking buddies will get a few rounds bought for them: for when he loses the job in short order as a sort of hopeful insurance.
Alcoholism is progressive. always. You can count on this getting worse. and worse. and worse.

What is the good news? You don't have to have it in your life. You can have a great life with stability for your girls and lots of laughs and normalcy. Alot less laundry and lower living expenses. That is just for starters.

Welcome to SR!
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Old 12-21-2010, 06:39 PM
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty View Post
I love this, MyBetterWorld: Wouldn't it be great if there was one.

BEWARE! This person will drink excessively on a near continuous basis. Will blame you for all the cr-p his drinking brings on. Will fail to hold a job for any length of time. Will go from telling you his boss 'thinks I'm god' to 'they disrespected me so I quit' in a matter of days, repeatedly. Will verbally abuse, physically threaten you and will generally put you in fear of your sanity and life.

Oh, well, then (tilts head to the side and considers). He is handsome, but when he comes with that..... I think I'll pass.

Of course, that assumes, I'd be healthy enough to walk away and not think 'Oh, that's not too bad. I can help him be better.'

Welcome to SR, BTW. (I love your name.)
That's great, LOL! but look at all the people who smoke with the dire Surgeon General's warnings on every pack. I don't smoke but I have ignored a few disclaimers in my day...
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Old 12-21-2010, 08:28 PM
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The disclaimer is good :nod:

Imagine the list of possible side effects?

Or how about contraindications?

Oh my --- could be on to something here.
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