Lotus2009

Hi everyone,

was hoping maybe you guys could help me analyzing myself and help me get some insight into myself.

So I got really upset about something SRAH texted me the other day. We had made plans to see a movie that night and so he texted me asking if I wanted to see movie A (a movie I had told him I wanted to see) or movie B (a movie he had told me he wanted to see). I told him movie A and he responded with "you suck" - this was the first text that upset me, because I felt it was really negative and disrespectful (if he doesn't want to see my movie than he could just say so in the first place) - he said it really was meant in a joking manner. So we dropped it. Later on I texted him asking if he wanted to get something to eat before the movie. He was at work and didn't text back for a while, but then all of a sudden I get a text "Can you pick me up (from work) in 20 min?" (he doesn't have a license and lives a 10 min walk away from work). I told him "no, but that I would pick him up for the movie" and got a sarcastic "cool, awesome wanted to get something to eat" back... and things just went downhill from there, because I felt like he could communicate better and was expecting me to drop everything and rush to his side when he needs a ride.

I know this probably sounds like a stupid thing to get angry over, but I did. We didn't end up going to the movies, because I was just way to angry, but I did go over there to talk things over with him (after I had calmed down).

I'm not really looking for advice on how to react in the future (I know what I need to do and not do), but I could use some help understanding and analyzing my reaction. So, I'm probably just gonna ramble a bit here, trying to analyze myself a bit - sorry.

I know I'm a bit hypersensitive when it comes to SRAH, because of our past together - i.e. his texts probably wouldn't have set me off much a few years ago, but now they seem to communicate so much more - to me they sound like: "the world revolves around me (him) and you should pick me up and chose my movie, otherwise I'm gonna make you feel bad about yourself (which I guess he can only do if I let him)". But, is me getting angry over this really legitimate, am I really angry at him, am I just trying to pick a fight (because I'm still angry at what has happened in the past????

SRAH told me, it sometimes feels to him like the only person I ever get angry at is him and that I was blaming him for all the things he's done in the past. He also said it makes sense that I reacted the way I did, after hearing my explanation of things and why a joking "you suck" carries a multitude of negative meanings for me. But then he questioned if that is something we'll ever move past and if he'll ever be able to "joke" with me again (basically asking if he has to walk on eggshells forever) - which to me just means he's missing the point here (and doesn't see anything wrong with his communication style), but back to me....

Talked to a good friend... and she said it made sense to her that I got angry at his texts, but should question what I'm really angry at. I guess what she was trying to get at is that, oftentimes we're angry at ourselves and not the other person??! I didn't fully understand what she was saying even after she explained it.... but I guess what she was getting at is: am I really angry at SRAH for treating me the way he did OR am I angry at MYSELF for not having walked away (moved out) earlier and because now I'm still not walking away? I feel like "hell no, I'm not angry at myself - I'm angry at him for doing xyz to me, BUT if I had walked away and had better boundaries back then xyz wouldn't have happened... so then am I angry at myself?"

.... ok, I'm not really sure what I'm asking here... but I'm just trying to figure this one out and it seems like I just can't get the insight I'm trying to get.

Any questions or stories that can point me in the right direction and help me analyze myself a bit better??

suki44883

You may have moved out, but you have disentangled yourself from his behavior. The only thing different is that you aren't living with him. Sounds to me like you still have expectations and feel disappointment (or anger) when those expectations aren't met. Perhaps taking another step back would give you some time to clear your head and see if you really feel like this relationship is what you need or even really want.

goldengirl3

My first reaction to reading your story...I'm wondering if you are already feeling down and blah because you know how he is and getting the message "You suck" is a trigger for you that sets you off. "You suck" is a joke I would sarcastically say to someone solely meant as a joke, but of course in this situation it is different because you already know what's coming so this "joke" means more to you. I definitely agree with what you are saying about the "Can you pick me up in 20 minutes?" cr*p. Sounds like he expects the world to revolve around him and that would have annoyed me too. I went through that with my ex.

Are you really angry at anyone or are you just tired of dealing with this?

Thumper

I understand your question about reactions. I'm not feeling like I have specific advice for that because I just don't know.

The thing that really hit me from your post is that text messaging is probably not the best way for you guys to communicate. It seems like a mine field of misunderstandings etc. You probably don't need the extra trouble in your relationship right now.

I'm sorry a planned fun night turned into something else. I hate when that happens

seekingcalm

When my exabf sought recovery, and I began to date him again, I most definitely had my guard up. He would ask me, "When are we going to laugh together again?" And I said, "When something is funny." I had been through hell, and I felt that he expected too much too soon. I stopped seeing him.

If we were ever to re-connect and begin a relationship again, I would want to go to couples therapy with him, I believe, because my feelings of mistrust run deep, and I think it would be important to work through both of our feelings for us to ever be happy again. I don't think I would ever relate to him in the same way that I did before I realized that he was an alcoholic, and really admitted that to myself.

I see him so differently now, much more realistically, which is fine, but it would be a whole new ball game. And I think a professional might help us navigate our feelings around that. For now, I feel it is best for both of us to seek our own recovery, alone.

Just my thoughts.

I wish you the best. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are allowed to feel the way you feel.

Lotus2009

Thank you so much for your replies

Suki - YES, you are sooo right. I am getting enmeshed again. I had kept my distance from him for a while and once he started treatment I kept reminding myself that this is his thing and none of my business, but now that I'm starting to see him more often and see that his communication style is not as it "should be", I feel like it needs to be "fixed" (just like his drinking problem needed to be "fixed" before he got sober). Argh! Gotta make sure I stick to my boundaries and not expect the things I know I shouldn't expect!
Thanks for calling me out on that!!!

Goldengirl - Thanks for understanding ... it means a lot to know that I'm not just "crazy". There was a time when I was just tired of dealing with it, but now it's more the anger that is still there and that I think I tend to suppress and then every now and then it bubbles up and shows. I do know that there is still anger inside of me that I need to somehow work through.

Thumper - Thanks yes, SRAH recognized that text messaging is probably not the best way for us to communicate... so when I texted him today he sent a very short and clear message back (to avoid any misunderstandings). I think you are right, we really should make sure to talk instead of text from now on.

Seekingcalm - I did tell SRAH that I feel like we should get couple's counseling, but felt like it was too early for that - I wanted him to be confident in his own recovery (and me in my own) first, and so I figured SRAH and I should just see each other here and there as friends for now (which of course is kind of hard to do if you still have feelings for each other and so while we are not dating or are have sex right now, it's also not like any other platonic friendship). We never really worked through the things that happened in the past and I never talked to him about the the way things were for me while we were living together... since I wanted this to be done in therapy with a mediator.
So are you and your XRABF completely done now and not seeing each other at all anymore?

breakingglass

i think some times we try so hard to mend things we simply can not fix..... i think maybe you should give yourself some time away from each other.... a lot of time.

i should talk, i am still trying to save the world. to no avail.

Phoenixthebird

Lotus2009, your post reminds me of the other day. I was going back home from one of my individual counseling sessions with my therapist. I told myself, I can't continue to raise my DDH. He's just too old!

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seekingcalm

Yes, Lotus, for now we are done. Completely over is something I am not ready to concede.

We were not married, but we both divorced our spouses to be together. We have known each other for over 25 years, met when we were very young and both married to other people. We stayed that way until 3 years ago. So, completely done, gosh I am not sure I will ever be.

We lived together for 4 months, it was wonderful and terrible at the same time. I had to leave finally because he was drinking and sneaking and lying and I was going crazy. He went into recovery 2 weeks later, and has been trying to get me back to where we were ever since. After 3 months sober, I went to his celebration, and began dating him. We didn't really deal with any of what happened either. I also felt we needed time to recover, and professional help as a couple which we agreed it was not time for.

His behavior during the time we dated was hard for me to take. I felt manipulated, and the way he spoke about things made me uncomfortable, but I did not want to butt in to his recovery, so I said little. But my stomach was in knots a lot. I broke it off after a couple of months. I love him very much, and I miss him, but I want us both to be healthy first.

I honestly am not sure how we will find our way back to one another, but that's where I have learned to leave it up to my Higher Power. If we really belong together, then it will all work out, right? It is just possible that he came into my life to get me out of a bad marriage...my ex husband was cheating on me for years. And I was in total denial as I raised our children. Maybe being together the rest of our lives was not the plan that our HP had for either of us. I just don't know.

I have no answers, but I am learning instead to live with the questions. Calmly and peacefully.

I wish you all the best. I think it can work out, I do. I hope it does.