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Old 12-21-2010, 07:10 AM
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Need Help

I need help and advice here to pump me up. My ex has contacted me again saying he scared and has been torn up over the next two weeks. He was very distant, abusive and ungiving to me in our relationship.

Why am I feeling guilty? I don't know. I almost offered up something the other day and stopped myself.

I logically know that if I offer to spend xmas day with him that I'll be enabling. My feeling sorry for him is a little overpowering right now. I logically know that after the holidays his friends and drinking will be number one. He doesn't give a s* about me. He could have spent the whole year working on genuine relationships with people but instead throws it all away on drinking with his friends.

Can everyone pump me up to not give in? Even if I did give in out of kindness, he could become nasty and demanding or something. I logically know it's a BAD idea.
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Old 12-21-2010, 07:25 AM
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In saying "No" to him, maybe you will best be able to judge his response? If you dont want to spend the day with him then DON'T. It is about your boundaries now and his needing to respect that now.

Surely he also has a sponsor who he can turn to if he is so torn up? He needs to work through this.
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Old 12-21-2010, 07:44 AM
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To maybe put it into perspective, my obsession to give in or to help my axw, was not much different than her obsession to drink.

In order to get better, she has to quit drinking alcohol. And in order for me to get better, I have to quit "helping" people who aren't willing to help themselves.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 12-21-2010, 07:51 AM
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goldengirl you can say no to him without feeling guilty. If anything think of this situation as a gift to him and a gift to you. A gift to him because he gets to be an adult and take care of himself. A gift to you because you get to maintain the boundaries you set and continue to work on yourself.

Trying to make me feel sorry for him or guilty continues to be one of my xah's favorite pass times. Life is all about him. The world ought to revolve around him. Me, I'd make sure I gravitated away from that orbit so I could enjoy the holidays without the drama and guilt. Do something for YOU. He can take care of himself.
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Old 12-21-2010, 08:01 AM
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Originally Posted by coyote21 View Post
To maybe put it into perspective, my obsession to give in or to help my axw, was not much different than her obsession to drink.

In order to get better, she has to quit drinking alcohol. And in order for me to get better, I have to quit "helping" people who aren't willing to help themselves.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Coyote took the words right out of my...uh...keyboard.

Look at it this way: Your AH should quit drinking to become physically and psychologically healthier -- easier said than done and it would take a lot of hard work on his part.

Same goes for you!! If YOU want to be healthier then you will have to do some really hard work, too. Part of that hard work is 1) not caving in on the boundaries you've drawn; 2) Say what you mean and MEAN WHAT YOU SAY; 3) staying NO CONTACT and 4) work through these uncomfortable feelings by attending meetings, reading recovery literature, posting on SR, going to therapy, staying busy with friends, volunteering, etc...whatever you have to do!

Thank goodness for SR, eh? Here's hoping you find some peace today
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Old 12-21-2010, 08:10 AM
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You are an option for him. An option when all the other options are busy. Don't feel sorry for him because he ran out of options on one day of the year and is now trying to manipulate you.

For one thing - if you were an important option he'd be thinking of something he could do for you, not trying to be pitiful to see what you can do for him.

I don't know about you but I'm sick to death of adults being such self pitying, self absorbed, whining, moaning, helpless, spoiled, cry babies when someone else isn't doing everything for them except wiping their butt. Nothing could be less attractive and it makes me cringe.

BTW - you are not the last option. You are the option that will fulfill the self pitying, self absorbed, whining, moaning, helpless, spoiled, cry baby part of him but I can think of 10 things I could/would do on Christmas day if I found myself alone - without breaking a sweat.
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Old 12-21-2010, 08:15 AM
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Thank you all for your responses. I'm going to keep focused on being strong and keeping these things in mind.
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Old 12-21-2010, 09:45 AM
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what always helps me in these types of situations is to remember back to the past christmases in their full alcoholic misery. that might snap you back to your senses!
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Old 12-21-2010, 09:48 AM
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I don't know about you but I'm sick to death of adults being such self pitying, self absorbed, whining, moaning, helpless, spoiled, cry babies when someone else isn't doing everything for them except wiping their butt
yeah, me too thumper!
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Old 12-21-2010, 05:09 PM
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Hi Goldengirl. I understand what you're going through regarding Christmas. I agree with the other posts here. As you already know, he'll just be 'using' you for the day because his drinking buddy's will probably be unavailable on Christmas day and as Thumper said, he's acting like a self-pitying, whining cry baby....playing the 'poor, unloved me' card and hoping you'll buy into it.

Having said that, think about what Naive said. How many miserable Christmases have you had dealing with active A's? If you've never had that experience, why start now? I can relate to miserable Christmases as without fail, my exADFH has managed to create all kinds of drama every year at Christmas since I met him...this will be the 7th Christmas.

Last year was the first year I decided to organise and enjoy Christmas in spite of him. I did not rely on him to be there, help organise, buy anything or even put the BBQ together. He showed up Christmas morning but felt so uncomfortable because my house was full with friends and family, he left after a few hours...It was the best Christmas I'd had in years!

We have a daughter together and seriously, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of him coming here. After his non-stop drinking for 4 weeks and abusive phone call last week, he rang yesterday and asked if he could pick up our daughter on Christmas morning and I said, "No, she needs to be here with her brothers, sisters, family and friends." He wanted to have her because on this one day of the year, he was feeling all sorry for himself. He, in affect wanted to 'use' her for the day. So, instead, he's coming here to watch her unwrap presents in the morning and have breakfast. I already know he won't stay long because I have heaps of people coming here and the focus won't be on him. Plus he'll be too hung over to enjoy anything. Again, if it weren't for my daughter, I wouldn't have him here at all. What for? Same goes for you. If you give into the 'guilt', and spend the day with him, how are you going to feel the next day when he 'abandons' you all over again and you don't hear from him for God knows how long?

It's a hard time of year for many of us. All the best to you in not giving in to him.
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Old 12-21-2010, 05:10 PM
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In order to get better, she has to quit drinking alcohol. And in order for me to get better, I have to quit "helping" people who aren't willing to help themselves.
I think that will be the final message in my current e-mail discussion with my RAXH. Thanks, Coyote!
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Old 12-21-2010, 06:13 PM
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We have a daughter together and seriously, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of him coming here. After his non-stop drinking for 4 weeks and abusive phone call last week, he rang yesterday and asked if he could pick up our daughter on Christmas morning and I said, "No, she needs to be here with her brothers, sisters, family and friends." He wanted to have her because on this one day of the year, he was feeling all sorry for himself. He, in affect wanted to 'use' her for the day. So, instead, he's coming here to watch her unwrap presents in the morning and have breakfast. I already know he won't stay long because I have heaps of people coming here and the focus won't be on him. Plus he'll be too hung over to enjoy anything. Again, if it weren't for my daughter, I wouldn't have him here at all. What for? Same goes for you. If you give into the 'guilt', and spend the day with him, how are you going to feel the next day when he 'abandons' you all over again and you don't hear from him for God knows how long?
Wow. I was so sad to read that and so glad to see that you see it for what it is and are keeping your daughter home.

You are right.

I think I have totally snapped out of this guilt thing. I calmed down after reading these posts today and went back to my thoughts of what I had in mind this weekend...lots of cooking, bubble baths and videos. Relaxation and all about me.
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Old 12-21-2010, 06:23 PM
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Boundaries are my toughest challenge. A "co-dependendent" and "giver" by nature - won "miss congeniality" when I was young - was a good thing then!

My AH was in recovery but has been drinking a couple times a week since Thanksgiving ... I get pissed off, emotional, etc. then try to relax and remember the thre C's. Nothing I can do to change him or his actions ...

Be strong - we support you!
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Old 12-21-2010, 07:05 PM
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It's so hard not to get mad at how selfish he is. I can't imagine myself being so d* selfish like that and having the nerve to keep trying to get that person to spend the holidays with me solely because I don't want to be alone after treating them like dirt and not even having interest to have a lunch or something with that person.
And furthermore to actually be dumb or selfish enough to literally tell that person that you would like to spend the holidays with them because you really don't want to be alone. OMG.
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Old 12-21-2010, 07:19 PM
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LOL The on-call entertainment.
Look, I have spent Christmas alone more than once. There are restaurants open. If I really wanted to do something in the Christmassy spirit, I know I could have found something.
Why don't you tell him to try a 900 number that you are not available.
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Old 12-21-2010, 07:27 PM
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LOL. There are friends SOMEWHERE I'm sure he could join. There's AA meetings. He has family out of state that he spends Thanksgiving with...could see them. There are things he could do.
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Old 12-21-2010, 08:22 PM
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This is a great thread, exactly what I also need to hear right now. I am going to keep these things in mind when I talk to AH in January to have "the talk."

Originally Posted by coyote21 View Post
In order to get better, she has to quit drinking alcohol. And in order for me to get better, I have to quit "helping" people who aren't willing to help themselves.
goldengirl you can say no to him without feeling guilty. If anything think of this situation as a gift to him and a gift to you. A gift to him because he gets to be an adult and take care of himself. A gift to you because you get to maintain the boundaries you set and continue to work on yourself.
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Old 12-21-2010, 09:13 PM
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Rayn,
You mentioned something I've been wanting to ask ...

Very well could just be me as all women are different but is anyone else challenged with not wanting to have sex with their alcoholic partner? We've been through alot, fertility treatments 10 years ago and alot of drinking over the last 5+. I think of him as my best friend but the more I learn, the less healthy I think that is ... I've secluded myself with him, I have no real close friends that I confide in.

So he's been relapsing since Thanksgiving and lack of sex came up in our arguments again - haven't endured that since before his treatment. I'm sure we can all relate to bad relationship times with alcholics but does it get better?? He brings it up as a reason he's unhappy or frustrated but agrees he shouldn't drink. He said when he stops drinking our relationship is no steamier; every time he relapses I become an unhappy introvert.

I can't decide if I'm just tired of getting hurt (emotionally) or maybe it is me. We've been married for over 20 years ...

Thanks for listening.
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