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Old 12-21-2010, 04:06 AM
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Unhappy New to the site, need to vent.

Hello everyone. I've been reading other threads and realizing how much I can relate. It helps to know I'm not the only one. I have an alcoholic wife that I have been enabling for far too long. Accidents, legal trouble, getting violent with me, I've been covering up/making better all of the bad situations she finds herself in and it just made things worse. I just recently reached my braking point when she attacked me in front of our daughter, all because I tried to take away her alcohol. Our daughter has been expressing more and more that she feels unsafe when her mommy drinks the "funny beer". It breaks my heart to think of her seeing this behavior.

Unfortunately most of the people that could help me, don't believe me because I spent so much effort covering it up and backing her in the past. I got the police involved when she attacked me most recently, she doesn't even remember being violent. That was the first time in a long time that I realized I didn't need to put up with it. Our daughter is more important than anything else in my world so I decided to take action against her. My hope is that without me there to enable things, she won't be able to hold it together for the others that didn't believe me. Who knows though, she was incredibly pissed/betrayed when she found out she wasn't allowed back home for at least a week.

Anger has a funny way of motivating her, my fear is that she will be sober long enough to put on a show for those who matter and in the end I'll look like a fool for being too "extreme" and overreacting. The hardest part is not feeling like a monster for getting her out of the house temporarily, it's Christmas soon and she wont get to see our daughter. I guess I rationalize it this way, I love her enough to lose my marriage if it means she gets sober for our daughter. This really sucks!
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Old 12-21-2010, 04:22 AM
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it is hard but worth it. as they say in the rooms, What is good for the family is Good for the alcoholic. so know that you are doing the right thing by keeping insanity away from your daughter. Hope you are reading all the classic posts about codependence, and know that you will come out on the other side for the better. You may want to find alanon meetings around you, it will keep you supported and chances are if this gets the law involved she may be required to go to AA. The al-anon group will let you see past any of the As manipulations too. Good luck ResilientFather and welcome to Recovery
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Old 12-21-2010, 04:22 AM
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Welcome to Sober Recovery! I'm sorry about what has brought you here, though.

More will be along shortly to greet you, and I have only a minute, but wanted to welcome you.

Did you know about Alanon? Alanon is the sister organization of Alcoholics Anonymous. Alanon is a free support network of friends and family of alcoholics, full of people who have been where you are.

There are local meetings in all corners of the globe, for support and to learn the tools to navigate this devastating disease.

Welcome!

CLMI
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Old 12-21-2010, 04:33 AM
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hi resilientfather,

another dad who has done the same thing here.

you're doing right watching out for your kid!
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Old 12-21-2010, 05:09 AM
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hi and welcome resiliant father-

good for you for protecting your daughter! you are not a monster for keeping her safe. it's a hard realization that one needs to protect their daughter from her mother, but unfortunately it's true with alcoholics. your daughter expressed that to you herself.

there are quite a few fathers here at SR, in similar situations, so you're in the right place.

glad you're here.

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Old 12-21-2010, 05:14 AM
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Thanks for the replies. I know what I'm doing is right however I know I face an uphill battle now. My wife is an incredible manipulator and has surrounded herself with plenty of people who believe I'm making everything up to make her look bad. The hardest thing I have ever done was taking a stand and getting the law involved. My fear has always been false accusations and lies from her. Right now I have no doubt in my mind that she is creating a case against me that I am the bad guy. I just hope it doesn't backfire. At this point I just want to make sure that I don't have to worry about our child when she is alone with her. I have a LONG road in front of me and yes I am looking into alanon.
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Old 12-21-2010, 05:15 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I understand what it feels like to protect the family 'image'. I was exhausted from anticipating the next situation and trying to control the outcomes. All to no avail, as my damage control was temporary.

I have friends/family that tried to be supportive, but they really didn't understand what it was like to live with active alcoholism 24/7. They would offer advise that would work in normal relationships. My relationship with my spouse was not normal. We had a third partner in our relationship - alcohol. And the alcohol was in control.

I found comfort and understanding at Alanon meetings and here at SR. These people understand what it is like living with active alcoholism. They also understand me. I am not crazy. I am a good person and I can make good decisions for myself and my children.

Some of our stories are in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the page. There is loads of wisdom in those posts. This is one of my favorite sticky posts. It contains steps that have helped some of us:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 12-21-2010, 05:33 AM
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Hi Resilientfather,

Another single dad to a little girl here. I have been exactly where you are. I don't have much time right now, but rest assured you have done the right thing. And welcome.

If you click on any of our names, you will be able to read our old posts/back stories.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 12-21-2010, 07:06 AM
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Hi ResilientFather welcome to SR. This is an incredible place with people who have been where you are at and understand. To me, that gave me the stamina and backbone I needed to work on my codependency and once I was healthy, leave.

xah is just like your wife. He is also heavily involved in the church and has been for close to 30 years so I am seen as the "evil one". It bugged me for a while but I had to come to terms with the fact that those people did not live in my house and did not have to put up with the garbage I did. To this day they either truly believe him or are in complete denial themseves.

She may be able to pull the wool over other's eyes for awhile. Don't beat yourself up for covering for her. It is what we codependents learn how to do. We actually think we are helping our loved ones when we do this. I found out here that is not true-- and that I was hurting me and my sons.

You know the truth. If you think she is trying to build some type of case against you start to document everything. Every phone call, text, email, conversation you have with her. Try not to engage in battles of you are an alcoholic/no I'm not. Until she decides to help herself there is nothing you can do.

Again, welcome and keep coming back. I would never be where I am now (safe, happy and relatively sane) had it not been for the people here at SR. There are lots of incredible Dads here too who understand what you are going through.
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Old 12-21-2010, 10:19 AM
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This time of the year definitely amplifies the difficultness of the situation. I had to have my AH removed a week ago. Not only are the holidays coming, which he will miss with our young daughters, but it is extremely cold and extremely snowy where we are...literally below zero temps. I am pretty sure he is living in his car at a rest stop. I guess what we have to remember is that they will never reach bottom if we keep rescuing them from it. And to top it all off, I am now the "cold, heartless bitch" who he hopes "rides the high and mighty train straight to hell".
I wish you a peaceful and loving holiday with your daughter. Good luck and God Bless.
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Old 12-21-2010, 11:32 AM
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OMG BetterWorld--I think we must have been married to the same man. I live in Wisconsin too so maybe we were!

I've been called the same thing. . .and well, as I have posted before his favorite is to call me "EVIL" (OK if anyone knows who the Church Lady is from SNL just say evil the same way the Church Lady said Satan and you got it).

Keep your head up ResilientFather and I hope the holidays are minus the drama.
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Old 12-21-2010, 12:25 PM
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This is all so new it's hard to wrap my head around. I suppose I should be more forthcoming. I have been dealing with my wifes cyclical ups and downs with her problem for quite a while. I would be attacked and apologized to, then peace for a while before the beginning of a new cycle. I'm sure some of you know what I mean when I say I could see it "building up" and I knew I would have to brace myself for a rough night or two. More recently, the apologies stopped happening. I believe she started thinking I deserved to be attacked but who knows.

Over the last 4 months or so, she has started drinking daily. On one occasion in particular, I got a phone call from her asking if I had put our daughter on the school bus, I was at work. When I said no she started freaking out about what would happen to her instead of immediately looking for our child. It turned out that the little one got herself on the bus no coat and all. That was the beginning of my breaking point. Now I know I'm guilty of not backing down from her arguments but I was always afraid of calling the police after being attacked. Being a man puts me at an automatic disadvantage in a domestic situation which fed that fear. Last week I got into an argument with her, "tried" to take away the box of wine she was drinking, and was attacked in front of our daughter. After seeing the look on her face I realised it was time to involve the police. They came out but didn't file a report so I got a lawyer.

My wife started bullying me with threats of taking me to war and telling me I was responsible for destroying our family. She had already been talking about moving out for a while in an effort to have some "space"...but based on her drinking habit lately, I couldn't see how our daughter would be safe with her. On Monday I filed an order for protection, now I'm facing a hearing to see if it goes through next Tuesday. I never wanted it to come to that and it's killing me that she wasn't willing to work on it with me. Part of the order stipulates required alcohol treatment. I feel as though it's my only recourse. If we're not going to be together anymore, she can at least be sober for our daughter or so I hope...I just really hate feeling like the bad guy right now even though I know I'm not.
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Old 12-21-2010, 12:40 PM
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You are not a bad guy at all, you are a good guy and a great father.

It is all so hard, but you are doing the right thing for yourself and your child. You really are, things will get better, you will see. Alcoholics are famous for turning the tables and making us look like the bad ones. They do this just to divert the attention away from themselves and their addiction.

I have learned so much here, and in Al-Anon, and reading the AA Big Book was very helpful too. The more I understand about this terrible disease, the more I trust myself and my decisions.

I wish you the best, and Welcome
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Old 12-21-2010, 12:50 PM
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If we're not going to be together anymore, she can at least be sober for our daughter or so I hope...
It's wishful thinking though... if the love of a child was all it took to recover from alcoholism, there would be a lot fewer broken homes and active addicts/alcoholics.

I'm so glad you are taking action to protect yourself and your daughter. One responsible parent taking care of a little girl by himself is better than one responsible parent trying to take care of an alcoholic spouse and a little girl by himself.

Try not to let it ruin your holidays. This too shall pass. Things will get better now that you've taken action.
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Old 12-21-2010, 01:38 PM
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I know its wishful thinking, I've been doing it for the last 5 years off and on. The most important thing I keep thinking is protect our daughter. She shouldn't have to tell me that she feels unsafe with her mom when she's alone. I'm just not used to letting things be broken, so it's hard. It will be a while before i get out of that mode of thinking.
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Old 12-21-2010, 02:01 PM
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I am so sorry this is happening to you and right during Christmas. 2 years ago about 2 days before Christmas my xah went totally batsh** and scared us all so much that I took the kids with me to work. I locked all 3 of us in the bedroom that night with my cell phone and charger. I have no idea when he got in. The next day he acted like nothing happened. I put clothes for me and the kids in the back of my car in case there was a next time--and there was and that is when we left for good.

You are being a good father. Repeat that to yourself over and over. Remember your daughter had to put herself on the bus. Your AW thinks she has no problem and is now in threatening mode. There comes a time when you have to save yourself and your family. It sounds like you have reached that point.

xah threatened up a storm to take the kids away--yeah, like that was going to happen. When I filed for divorce I got primary placement of the kids. He refused to engage in the legal process so we were ordered to attend mediation-first for custody and placement and then for the financial. Before custody and placement mediation we were both sent forms to fill out. Amazingly of the 8 questons that required further explanation if answered yes--I answered yes to 6 of them.

One condition I brought up for placement (we have joint custody with impasse for medical and mental health issues--which really makes no difference, he can't make any decisions about the kids and I know it). So he also has placement--not just visitation. But a condition of placement that I brought up was that no alcohol or controlled substances could be consumed 12 hours before and during periods of placement. This of course had to go both ways. Do I follow it. Sure do. I don't drink much at all anymore since I have the kids most of the time. Does he follow it-nope. But I can't prove it. However, he knows I will bust his a** if he gets drunk or high with the kids around and my oldest knows when he is drunk and does not want to be around him when he is.

I have to give him credit--lately, when he knows he has a gig (he is a musician) he will ask if I will take the kids that night. Is he doing it for the sake of the kids-no. He could care less if they are up most of the night waiting for him to get home from a gig. He is doing it because he wants to drink and he can't drink if he has the kids-even if they are at a babysitter because that would fall within the 12 hours before area of no alcohol or controlled substance use. Progress? Slight. At least he admits to himself he will drink and be breaking the law if he does have the kids.

You are at one of the toughest points. I know it does not feel like it now, but it will get better for you and your daughter. Keep her close and give her a great Christmas-free of drama and nastiness. Keeping you both in my thoughts.
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