Out came the big guns....
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Out came the big guns....
Guess I must be doing something really right or really wrong. My A pulled out all stops yesterday because I enforced a boundary that I have set......I refuse to be Pamala Sue Anderson....look like, dress like, "preform" like her. I WILL be treated like respected, loved wife...not some 2 bit piece of trash! We have been married 15 years and I deserve some respect!!! What is it with men anyway......I COULD be "naughty" if I felt RESPECTED!!!
So after I held my ground I was told that "we" were both miserible so why didn't I just move out? I was called a hypocryte, church lady....boring, loved to stay at home, not interested in ANYTHING he did, never wanted to go with....etc. etc. etc. THEN he said he liked me better when I had a BOYFRIEND...at least I was out of his hair then. 1) I have NOT been in his hair.....in fact I have conciously made an effort to NOT be in his hair 2) there was a man 7 years ago....we never had a physical relationship, but he filled lots of "gaps" emotionally.....at the time A was drinking VERY heavily and I decided if I can't beat him...join him. I made some very bad decisions (you can do that when you drink all the time) we went to counceling.....I choose my marriage.....he accepted some of the blame for the situation...we were both at fault.
NOW....how LOW was it to bring it out?????? I bit my tongue and didn't bring up the hundreds of incidents of not coming home at all, or coming home falling down drunk....or riding female bartenders on the back of OUR bike, or punching my mothers husband in the face....and the list goes on, but I DID NOT OPEN THAT CAN OF WORMS.......now how do I get past this?
He obviously has no respect for me or is he so intimidated that he has to tear me down.....I just don't get it.....I AM SICK OF PLAYING GAMES LIKE I WAS 16 YEARS OLD.......
I went on with my day and had a GREAT time at the football game with my son....but where do I go from here...pretend as if it didn't happen....try to discuss it.....wait till he apologizes? HELP!!!!
Constant
So after I held my ground I was told that "we" were both miserible so why didn't I just move out? I was called a hypocryte, church lady....boring, loved to stay at home, not interested in ANYTHING he did, never wanted to go with....etc. etc. etc. THEN he said he liked me better when I had a BOYFRIEND...at least I was out of his hair then. 1) I have NOT been in his hair.....in fact I have conciously made an effort to NOT be in his hair 2) there was a man 7 years ago....we never had a physical relationship, but he filled lots of "gaps" emotionally.....at the time A was drinking VERY heavily and I decided if I can't beat him...join him. I made some very bad decisions (you can do that when you drink all the time) we went to counceling.....I choose my marriage.....he accepted some of the blame for the situation...we were both at fault.
NOW....how LOW was it to bring it out?????? I bit my tongue and didn't bring up the hundreds of incidents of not coming home at all, or coming home falling down drunk....or riding female bartenders on the back of OUR bike, or punching my mothers husband in the face....and the list goes on, but I DID NOT OPEN THAT CAN OF WORMS.......now how do I get past this?
He obviously has no respect for me or is he so intimidated that he has to tear me down.....I just don't get it.....I AM SICK OF PLAYING GAMES LIKE I WAS 16 YEARS OLD.......
I went on with my day and had a GREAT time at the football game with my son....but where do I go from here...pretend as if it didn't happen....try to discuss it.....wait till he apologizes? HELP!!!!
Constant
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
((((Constant)))),
Hugs to you!!! First of all, kudos for not falling into his little game that he was playing!! GOOD JOB!! I know how hard it is to bite your tongue and not explode, but you did the right thing! For me, I'd just go on with life and not bring it up...he's trying to get your goat...he has to put the blame on you, because otherwise, the reality that his choices are his...
You done good...keep it up
Sped teach
Hugs to you!!! First of all, kudos for not falling into his little game that he was playing!! GOOD JOB!! I know how hard it is to bite your tongue and not explode, but you did the right thing! For me, I'd just go on with life and not bring it up...he's trying to get your goat...he has to put the blame on you, because otherwise, the reality that his choices are his...
You done good...keep it up
Sped teach
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
HI Constant...
From my experience, the next litany you hear is likely to be about how YOU keep playing GAMES. It's stupid kid stuff... what would you do if you experienced it with a 6 year old? It DID happen. The discussion would have little merit. If he apologizes it will be because he senses a punishment in the works. With a kid, you just go on and say to yourself "Well, he's six." With an adult who acts like a six year old, you might as well go on and say "Well he's six... er... sick." Then you get to decide if it's okay with you that you live with a childishly disrespectful adult.
Hugs,
Smoke
From my experience, the next litany you hear is likely to be about how YOU keep playing GAMES. It's stupid kid stuff... what would you do if you experienced it with a 6 year old? It DID happen. The discussion would have little merit. If he apologizes it will be because he senses a punishment in the works. With a kid, you just go on and say to yourself "Well, he's six." With an adult who acts like a six year old, you might as well go on and say "Well he's six... er... sick." Then you get to decide if it's okay with you that you live with a childishly disrespectful adult.
Hugs,
Smoke
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Constant
Ditto to the above. If he finds enough fault with you, he doesn't have to look at himself....and that is HIS problem, not yours.
Good for you for rising above it and having a good day, regardless of how bad is was.
Now...about the Pamela Sue Anderson thing. I am amazed (and until now have kept my codie mouth shut LOL) at how many here have spouses who encourage breast implants. Excuse me...but how would they like someone to cut their private parts open and throw in some silicone and sew it back up???? And possibily have it leak and cause serious harm????
Ladies - you are beautiful just as you are!!! Repeat after me...."I am a beautiful woman, worthy of love and respect". Say it 100 times.
I am "Pamela blessed" as you might call it (naturally not implant) and I can tell you first hand that never has my busom (there's an old fashioned word for them) been an important part of who I am or who finds me attractive. Think about it - a blow up doll would offer as much
Okay, I'll get off my soapbox now. But I need to tell you all that you are beautiful people. Just look in the mirror.
Do not take ownership of their problems and believe me, YOU are not the problem.
Hugs
Ann
Ditto to the above. If he finds enough fault with you, he doesn't have to look at himself....and that is HIS problem, not yours.
Good for you for rising above it and having a good day, regardless of how bad is was.
Now...about the Pamela Sue Anderson thing. I am amazed (and until now have kept my codie mouth shut LOL) at how many here have spouses who encourage breast implants. Excuse me...but how would they like someone to cut their private parts open and throw in some silicone and sew it back up???? And possibily have it leak and cause serious harm????
Ladies - you are beautiful just as you are!!! Repeat after me...."I am a beautiful woman, worthy of love and respect". Say it 100 times.
I am "Pamela blessed" as you might call it (naturally not implant) and I can tell you first hand that never has my busom (there's an old fashioned word for them) been an important part of who I am or who finds me attractive. Think about it - a blow up doll would offer as much
Okay, I'll get off my soapbox now. But I need to tell you all that you are beautiful people. Just look in the mirror.
Do not take ownership of their problems and believe me, YOU are not the problem.
Hugs
Ann
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Thanks everyone......guess I want the magic answer to "fix" him from ever doing it again.....didn't realize it until I read Smoke's post....thank you.
Ann.....I already had the implant thing done....against his advice. I didn't do it to be Pamela Sue....I did it because after nursing 3 children I had NOTHING except saggy skin.....never had a lot to begin with. I didn't have them over done....only people who knew me before would even know, they "fit" my body size.....sure is nice to were a T-shirt and not look 12 or actually be able to wear a tank top...anyway my reasons were different, but it seems that HE thinks I had it done so men would look at me! (since I don't appreciate his groping) Ya know the same reason I buy Victoria Secret panties!! PLEASE.....will they ever get that it is about feeling "pretty" not like a piece of meat. SEE now with him he either wants to touch my added parts or know what kind of panties I have on.....not hug me, or rub my back or gee I don't know tell him how much I mean to him.....that he will love me no matter what I look like.....show that he CARES!! Somehow I get the feeling that it is only the outside he is interested in.....what happens as years go by? bodies changes...his certainly has LOL!!
Anyhow....guess I have some searching to do, I happen to like me and am beginning to like myself more each day. This is good for me, but evidentially is NOT for him.
Thanks for all the HUGS!!! Sure felt GOOD!!!
Blessings, Constant
Ann.....I already had the implant thing done....against his advice. I didn't do it to be Pamela Sue....I did it because after nursing 3 children I had NOTHING except saggy skin.....never had a lot to begin with. I didn't have them over done....only people who knew me before would even know, they "fit" my body size.....sure is nice to were a T-shirt and not look 12 or actually be able to wear a tank top...anyway my reasons were different, but it seems that HE thinks I had it done so men would look at me! (since I don't appreciate his groping) Ya know the same reason I buy Victoria Secret panties!! PLEASE.....will they ever get that it is about feeling "pretty" not like a piece of meat. SEE now with him he either wants to touch my added parts or know what kind of panties I have on.....not hug me, or rub my back or gee I don't know tell him how much I mean to him.....that he will love me no matter what I look like.....show that he CARES!! Somehow I get the feeling that it is only the outside he is interested in.....what happens as years go by? bodies changes...his certainly has LOL!!
Anyhow....guess I have some searching to do, I happen to like me and am beginning to like myself more each day. This is good for me, but evidentially is NOT for him.
Thanks for all the HUGS!!! Sure felt GOOD!!!
Blessings, Constant
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
I learned this from Elvis. The best defense is a good offense. The more wrong you are the more noise you make. Hopefully if you make enough noise the other person will be so rattled they will forget everything. Sounds like your "A" subscribes to that theory also.
Dont tell the pretty ones but Ive always felt sorry for people who based who they were on how they looked. When their looks start to go they think its over. Ive always felt that your looks may fade but if you have brains and personality and a sense of humour youll be set for life.
Tell that husband of yours you get what you give. If he wants you to be a "real wife" then he needs to act like a real husband.
What would a hot seksy mama like you want with a drunken lout. Im not even sure Pamela would want that. LOL.
Dont tell the pretty ones but Ive always felt sorry for people who based who they were on how they looked. When their looks start to go they think its over. Ive always felt that your looks may fade but if you have brains and personality and a sense of humour youll be set for life.
Tell that husband of yours you get what you give. If he wants you to be a "real wife" then he needs to act like a real husband.
What would a hot seksy mama like you want with a drunken lout. Im not even sure Pamela would want that. LOL.
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Join Date: Jan 2003
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Hugs and a back rub for Constant....
The best answer I have found to a lot of questionable situations (like being accused of thinking or doing something I haven't even thought of is;
"YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT!" I don't have to go to every fight I am invited to.
Most of the time, they catch me so unawares and I can't think of anything except that I just been accused of something that never entered my mind....(Sometimes, I 've even wished it had entered my mind....)
NEXT, ladies, I am not endoweled(sp), in anything but having a big loving heart....BUT I agree with Ann, I believe that my HP made each of us so much more than what meets the eye. If a stranger see me or anyone else for that matter,I want to be neat, clean, and have a pleasant outlook on life.....
I ask you;
Who wants a beautifully wrapped present only to find when opened it's empty.....Not me! Oh how I wish I could get everyone to see each of us with their hearts and not just their eyes.....no offence Debbie but I happen to dislike the orginal Barbie for that very reason....
Maybe, I need another pair of new glasses, but I don't think so..some of the most beautiful people in my life, the ones I love the most, aren't what you'd call one of the "good looking."
I watch my 13 yr old put so darn much makeup on each morning and want to cry because she is so pretty in looks without it....but it's what a lot of young people do today...
My grandmother taught me that pretty is as pretty does...I truly believe that today...
Now Ann you can have your soap box back....I guess this whole thing hit a nerve in me....I can't see you all but to me you are all so wonderfully beautiful....I wish you could see yourselves though my heart...
After all my HP doesn't make junk!!!
Love and happy thoughts.
The best answer I have found to a lot of questionable situations (like being accused of thinking or doing something I haven't even thought of is;
"YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT!" I don't have to go to every fight I am invited to.
Most of the time, they catch me so unawares and I can't think of anything except that I just been accused of something that never entered my mind....(Sometimes, I 've even wished it had entered my mind....)
NEXT, ladies, I am not endoweled(sp), in anything but having a big loving heart....BUT I agree with Ann, I believe that my HP made each of us so much more than what meets the eye. If a stranger see me or anyone else for that matter,I want to be neat, clean, and have a pleasant outlook on life.....
I ask you;
Who wants a beautifully wrapped present only to find when opened it's empty.....Not me! Oh how I wish I could get everyone to see each of us with their hearts and not just their eyes.....no offence Debbie but I happen to dislike the orginal Barbie for that very reason....
Maybe, I need another pair of new glasses, but I don't think so..some of the most beautiful people in my life, the ones I love the most, aren't what you'd call one of the "good looking."
I watch my 13 yr old put so darn much makeup on each morning and want to cry because she is so pretty in looks without it....but it's what a lot of young people do today...
My grandmother taught me that pretty is as pretty does...I truly believe that today...
Now Ann you can have your soap box back....I guess this whole thing hit a nerve in me....I can't see you all but to me you are all so wonderfully beautiful....I wish you could see yourselves though my heart...
After all my HP doesn't make junk!!!
Love and happy thoughts.
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Cecelia.....you make me LOL!!!! I hear ya loud and clear....this whole thing has made me realize something.....for years I was always "VERY GOOD". Then one morning I woke up and decided that I wanted to have a little "wildness" in me. Most of the stupid things I have done were to impress others in being tough. My husband always liked a "tough" woman/girl. (we met when we were 15) I have filled the roll for him.....I AM NOT that girl and don't want to be her anymore. Think I'll throw the line at him that this is who I am if you don't like, then don't let the door hit you int he A$$ on the way out!!!
Daffodil-I really needed that back rub! Thank you.
I guess I really feel sorry for myself sometimes, because I realize if I don't leave him....I will never be treated the way I want to be.
He isn't even home now....I have a sick 3 year old (running a 104 temp) a 12 year old that needs to be driven to practice and picked up....dinner on the stove and he is playing golf! He asked if someone else could take our son to practice or if our 8 year old could watch the 3 year olds while I took him......WHAT DO YOU ANSWER TO THAT?!?!?!?! I told him to go, I would handle it.......good grief he doesn't want me to be his mom, yet he forces me to play the roll......I didn't this time, I just let him go.
Hope everyone has a peaceful evening,
Constant
Daffodil-I really needed that back rub! Thank you.
I guess I really feel sorry for myself sometimes, because I realize if I don't leave him....I will never be treated the way I want to be.
He isn't even home now....I have a sick 3 year old (running a 104 temp) a 12 year old that needs to be driven to practice and picked up....dinner on the stove and he is playing golf! He asked if someone else could take our son to practice or if our 8 year old could watch the 3 year olds while I took him......WHAT DO YOU ANSWER TO THAT?!?!?!?! I told him to go, I would handle it.......good grief he doesn't want me to be his mom, yet he forces me to play the roll......I didn't this time, I just let him go.
Hope everyone has a peaceful evening,
Constant
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