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You wanna make amends? Give me money!

Old 12-20-2010, 08:21 PM
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You wanna make amends? Give me money!

I'm grateful that my RABF is working such a strong program, and has been so loving, available, and helpful to me during the holidays (not a good time for me), but he hasn't worked in the 6 months he's been in sober living and isn't really trying to get a job. I have been paying for everything when we're together, and he has given me whatever little bit he can, but...

He recently sold an expensive piece of jewelry, and when I asked him to give me a nice chuck of money to help even the scales he got all nasty about it (said he wanted to use the money to buy his brother and sister xmas presents...really though, his family are all rich and don't give him a dime, and here I am, poor, struggling, and spending 2x the money I should because I am paying his way for everything). I understand he's working his amends steps, and feels he owes his family a sober xmas and wants it to be really special, but he'd not only be leaving me alone on xmas, he'd be leaving me flat broke by not paying me back.

Of course, I freaked. Told him he had some nerve taking so much money from me constantly and then leaving me here alone while he went and spent the money he should give back to me on his rich kid brother and sister in their 12 million square foot mansion while I sit home alone in my rental room on xmas unable to buy myself a hot chocolate. Then he said the money was REALLY going to MY xmas present, a surprise trip to his family's winter house, and not to his brother and sister's gifts, and that that was just a cover-up, and I had ruined the surprise now. Blah, blah, blah. Right, I don't even know if I believe him. Think he may have just said it to save face. Regardless, I don't want a trip up to see his family, who don't want me there anyway (don't think it's personal but who the hell knows really), I WANT MONEY. LOL.

Should I just let this one go? I feel like I have been expecting too much of him lately and should just be grateful that he has become such a kind and supportive person in recovery. It's a long road and I am having some resentments and don't know how to deal with them. I can't make him get a job, obviously, and he's not going to instantly transform into a bread-winning superman, but... Sorry for venting.
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Old 12-20-2010, 08:29 PM
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Are you currently paying his bills? You said you are currently paying his way for everything. Are those things in your name and can you stop paying for what he should be responsible for? If he has money in his pocket, I wouldn't pay for a single thing that is his responsibility unless it is for something like utility bills that would hurt you if you stopped paying.
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Old 12-20-2010, 08:35 PM
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OMG, NO WAY, I don't pay his bills. His parents pay right now, but they don't give him any extra spending money, so it's just when we hang out together, which nearly every day after work and on the weekends, that I pay for things like food, cigarettes, etc. It adds up though, all these little things and going out all the time.
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Old 12-20-2010, 08:37 PM
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Well, in that case, I'd tell him that if he can't pay at least every other time you go out, then, you'll have to cut back on going out, or hanging out or whatever. There's no reason for you to pay all the time if he has money.
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Old 12-20-2010, 08:43 PM
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I know, this is the first time he's had money in a while. He usually gives it to me when he does have it, but that's not very often.

It sucks but I think we're just going to have to hang out a lot less or stop eating out altogether. He seems to have no concept of money having grown up in a filthy rich family.
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Old 12-20-2010, 08:49 PM
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I suggest that you pay attention to his actions. Maybe step back a bit and give yourself some time for your mind to clear. It's possible that you'll figure out that you can do better and deserve someone who is willing to be an equal partner. I wish the very best for you.
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Old 12-20-2010, 09:39 PM
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Hmmm.
Should there even be a surprise trip to his family's house? I mean, what if you don't even want to go there? And how would he do such a thing, spring it on you? Do you then have to drop everything and in a panic pack a bag for this trip, wondering why all your such and such laundry items are dirty, etc.?

I think surprise trips can be not so nice. When you hear you are off to someplace that you didn't know you were going, you've lost all control of the situation, and have a panicky emergency trying to get ready.
Been there, done that, got the tshirt.

If he leaves you alone for the holidays, that speaks volumes. Listen to his actions, not his words.
There's something that smells like just old plain being used if he's going to "impress you" with a trip that you may not even want, yet leaves your bank account empty.
I think you're right that he doesn't understand the stress of being financially on the edge. However, hasn't he had a taste of that the last six months? He has had to be frugal, yes?
Seems it's not about you--it's all about him.
Maybe he'll realize the selfishness of what has transpired, and give you a hundred or several hundred.
If not, make sure you are very clear as to how draining the situation currently is on your bank account. If he's dismissive after being very clear, then you have new boundary lines to draw--something's gotta give.
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Old 12-20-2010, 10:25 PM
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nicam, well, the way I see things you are the codependent and your RABF is the sponger. You wrote "I have been paying for everything when we're together, and he has given me whatever little bit he can, but..." "when we hang out together, which nearly every day after work and on the weekends, that I pay for things like food, cigarettes, etc. It adds up though, all these little things and going out all the time." Your RABF doesn't owe you anything for these things. That is your choosing. They're like presents that you have given to your RABF. :day4

You wrote "He recently sold an expensive piece of jewelry, and when I asked him to give me a nice chuck of money to help even the scales he got all nasty about it......" The answer is based on who was the owner of the jewelry. If it was yours than, yes, he owes you "a nice chuck of money". Maybe even felony charges. If it belonged to him, forget about it!

If I was you, I would chuck this up to a learning experience. You wrote "I can't make him get a job, obviously, and he's not going to instantly transform into a bread-winning superman, but..." Think about what YOU want in life. "......while he went and spent the money he should give back to me on his rich kid brother and sister in their 12 million square foot mansion......" I wouldn't depend upon your RABF to help you reach your goals in life!

Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Love and Peace,

Phoenix

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Old 12-20-2010, 11:26 PM
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I don't know, he's been talking about me going up there for a while and I think it was only after he realized I can't afford to go that he tried to spend his own money on it. The jewelry was his, not mine. And no, he doesn't owe me anything, but I thought he would want to return the favor and help me in return. I thought he would want to be supportive of me in any way possible. I want him to want to.

Surprises scare me too, and his family is going through a hardship right now and they don't even want anyone outside of the family up there. This is all about what HE wants.

I wouldn't pay for the trip, he would. I wouldn't have to spend a dime, and he would give me extra money in addition to that to make up for previous activities. I don't know, the holidays are hell.
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Old 12-21-2010, 12:36 AM
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Originally Posted by nicam View Post
I want him to want to.
This set the codie alarm bells ringing in my head! He is who he is and no amount of wanting will change that.

If someone takes me out, buys me dinner etc then I don't feel I owe them anything! Why do you feel he 'owes' you? You can always say no, I can't afford to take you out, lets stay in. Are you giving too much in this relationship? Where are your boundaries? It was your choice to spend your money on him. Being too broke at Christmas is a result of your choices.
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Old 12-21-2010, 05:41 AM
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so, you've been paying for food, eating out, cigs, etc. and he gets some money and doesn't want to share it with you? and then gets nasty and defensive about it? and then changing stories about what he was going to do with the money.

i would look very hard at his behavior, in recovery or not.

it sounds as if he is using you.

and so, he gets some money, plans on using it on a trip that you don't want, and when this trip is over, are you expected to go on paying his way as his money will be spent?

if it was me, i would explain to him that you can't afford to pay his way any longer, as you don't have enough money for your own needs. and then stop giving him anything. and see if he still wants to spend time with you.

there's lots of activities that don't cost any money...taking a walk, working out, going to the library, browsing a gallery, hanging out at home, doing a project together.
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Old 12-21-2010, 08:17 AM
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Why hasn't he worked in 6 months?

No you can't make him get a job--but you can stop supporting him. If he is able--he should work. Do you work to earn your money that is paying for all the stuff he wants? If so, he has decided you, like his family, will support him and he does not need to get off his behind and support himself.

Sorry--been down this road and it can be an ugly road when someone suddenly thinks they do not have to contribute to the financial welfare of the home and is perfectly happy letting the other person do everything. This speaks volumes to me.
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Old 12-21-2010, 09:21 AM
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I'd quit spending your money on him. You can hang out and do free things or not hang out. This will do two things for you. 1) You'll have your money. 2) You'll get a better feel for the relationship. Right now things are waaaay out of balance.

I've been down this road. As long as his parents pay his bills and you pay for his entertainment he'll get a job around the same time hell freezes over.

To look at this from a more self-recovery stand point it is like putting in a written request for resentment to buy things for a man with no job with the expectation that he'll repay any of it when he gets a few extra bucks. He'll never repay it. He has no income and isn't looking for a job. He's looking to sponge off family and friends.
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Old 12-21-2010, 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
As long as his parents pay his bills and you pay for his entertainment he'll get a job around the same time hell freezes over.
I agree 100%. No man with any self-respect sponges off of his family and his girlfriend.

You can't control whether he ever gets a job or not, but you sure can control where your money goes.

I don't shell out money to anyone, including my 22 year old daughter. She's currently jobless by choice. When the well runs dry on her trust fund money, then maybe she will be motivated to look.

I'd rather be alone and have the money to take care of myself then to shell out money to a man (who isn't working) just for the sake of companionship.
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Old 12-21-2010, 01:13 PM
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There are men who sponge off women, they are called kept men. I told my wise friend about how I tended to have to 'pay for stuff' for the RABF. She pointed out that I don't have a boyfriend, I have a kept man. But in this economy, I can't afford a kept man, can you?

Just like me, you want a relationship with someone who gives back to you. Even if he can't do it right now financially, he can do lots of things for you in terms of helping you out, making you dinner, running your bath, massaging your feeties after a rough day... all the things a kept man does
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Old 12-21-2010, 08:40 PM
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Thanks to all of you, a lot of stuff said here is spot on. I choose to go out and do these things, he would be just as happy sitting at home, and doesn't owe me anything.

He is very supportive and wonderful in every other way, it's just been really slow going in the job dep't since he got the OK to work 2 months ago. He wanted to use the money to buy me an expensive ticket up north so I could spend the holidays with him and his family, maybe selfish motives on his part, but I do appreciate the gesture.

He gave me the money, I think he would have rather bought me presents with it, but...

It's just tough to have a relationship in early sobriety. I have to say though that he never used me, and there was a point in time when I lost my job and he supported me fully. He would give me his last dollar, I know that. He would hang out with me just as much if I hadn't a penny. I may have some codie tendencies but I'm really trying to work them out so we can be a healthy couple. It just takes a lot of work and patience.
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Old 12-21-2010, 10:06 PM
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LMAO, Rayn3dr0p. Yeah, he has a conscious big time now that he is in recovery. I knew the money was going to be spent on me either way, his ego just would have been stroked more had he been able to shower me with lavish gifts and trips rather than just forking over the cash.

He has also payed my phone bill for the past 2 months, and paid for everything all the time when he did have money, so maybe I have been a little ungrateful and started this thread to vent and now everyone thinks he is a using, sponging, douche. Ha, oh well.
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Old 12-21-2010, 10:28 PM
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I don't know Nicam, which is it?

You certainly did portray him as a using, sponging douch and then oh yeah, come to think of it, he does help me out financially.....
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Old 12-21-2010, 11:02 PM
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It was never my intention to portray him as such. Things are the way they are now because he is in sober living and his program didn't allow him to work for the first 3 months in. I was frustrated and venting. He's not a sponging douche, but right now he's flat broke and could be trying harder to find work for sure, but... I am giving more than I am comfortable with and am feeling resentful. Not his fault, mine.
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Old 12-22-2010, 02:10 AM
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It is OK. It is easy to do - give more then we can and then feel resentful about it. I myself have done it a few times - I'd say around 598,764,326 times....this decade

I'm going to share something about myself...

My xah and I reversed rolls (I worked and he stayed home). I carried around mountains of resentment over that situation regardless of the alcohol. I still have some truth be told and he's not even in the picture anymore. The thing is I don't have a problem with it in theory. I think it is a fine and respectable choice. I tried so hard to let it go. It is just not something that works for me and I am finally admitting that. I need a partner that is working full time and that is financially responsible and independent. It is important to me and that is OK. I have learned that about myself. I spent a lot of time trying to change what I felt and it didn't work.

I'm not insinuating that is what is going on with you. I have no idea and I don't expect you to have to come back here and 'answer' that or belabor this thread. I'm just sharing my story to get the focus off him (you don't have to defend him) and say it is worth the time to look and see if there is something deeper that is irking you. Such a strong reaction might be about more then not repaying you for last weeks supper - or maybe not. It is a stressful time of year, it doesn't take much for any of us to need to vent. I read other boards and they all have a 50/50 mix of threads about holiday food/festivities and venting about family/friends
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