Co-dependent in other relationships

Old 12-20-2010, 06:57 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Co-dependent in other relationships

Hi everyone.

I am a ACOA (A is mother) and I realize that I learned a lot of bad behaviors growing up. Typical coda stuff (checking bottles, begging, pouring out booze, feeling bad if she was drunk/happy if she was sober, driving if she was too drunk, etc.). Now, I am worried that this is also transferring to my relationship with my husband.

As an example, he has been struggling with depression quite badly lately (he is not an A). Of course, I want to support him, but I realized I am totally unsure of where the "line" that a normal person would know is. I find myself wanting to "fix" his problem, and solve it. If he has a good day, I have a good day. If he has a bad day, I have a terrible day. I can literally feel his pain. I worry so much about him, that it is no good for either of us.

So I guess I would like to know:
- have other ACOA's been thru this?
- is depression similar to alcoholism (a disease that totally takes over)?
- how to survive this without going crazy myself?
- how to be happy when someone you really love is so sad?
- am I making things worse by being so co-dependent?
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ToBeSerene (12-20-2010)
Old 12-20-2010, 07:49 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
Probably many of the same things apply, and the same ways to fix them. Although I don't know about living with a depressed spouse, I think remembering that you still have boundary lines that should be respected by him is important.
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Old 12-20-2010, 09:34 PM
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
HAve you read Codependent No More? It can help you answer alot of these questions.If your day depends on his, it isn't healthy for either one of you, so yes it is making the situation worse.
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Old 12-20-2010, 10:00 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello tupsi, Welcome to SR.

I begin to see a red flag if my part of any situation involves my doing things for others that they should or could do for themselves. Learning more about his conditon might help you define between what is actually helping him and what is not. Perhaps your husband's doctor can provide information & direct you to a f2f support group in your area.

Please take a look at our sticky section; its a great sources of information and inspiration too.

We also have Mental Health forum here on SR you might want to visit.Mental Health - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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