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Need to keep my mouth SHUT-HELP

Old 12-20-2010, 05:38 AM
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Need to keep my mouth SHUT-HELP

I'm in a position right now with my DDH that I need advice on how to stay calm and collected, and keep my mouth shut when my DDH starts spurting out everything that pops into his head. He's always been "Chicken Little" with the sky falling down attitude. He went to his psychriatrist appointment last Thursday, and according to him, he is supposed to start expressing all his anger instead of holding it. So now when he talks, it's with a fowl mouth, F*ck this, F*ck that, and anything in-between. How can I correct my two sons when their father is talking like that? Right now my sons are just trying to stay out of his way. My major problem is we still share our king size bed and he's in it most of the time. I can only spend, at most, a couple nights on our sofa downstairs because it's not comfortable to sleep on. My DDH likes to talk......and talk.....and talk, repeating the same things over and over again. He gets upset when someone interrepts him, but no body knows when he is done talking. According to him, the whole world is against him. He doesn't trust me any longer, so if I say anything to him, he's ready to snap on me. My sons want me here for Christmas, since I was in the intensive care unit on last Christmas. Otherwise I wouldn't be here any longer. He likes to control me, and tell me what I should be doing. I'm convinced he hasn't accepted my disabilities that I have suffered as a result of my stroke. He just recently asked me if I had ever suffered pain. I, have no idea why, answered him by saying no, I never had suffered pain. I should have answered only if he considered child birth, living my whole life with scoliosis, not being able to walk, and basically having to climb up and down the stairs to move between floors. Then he wants to talk about our daughter's death. To sum it up my life right now SUCKS!

I'm a born optimistic. I like to look at life as a journey where I can decide my own attitude, instead of having circumstances direct my attitude. Sometimes I think my optimism isn't realistic when I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand and am slowly sinking.

I would appreciate any advice or ideas on how I can stay calm and collected, and how to keep my mouth shut at least until Christmas is over.

Thank You!
Phoenix
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Old 12-20-2010, 05:48 AM
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I'm not sure keeping your mouth shut is the best thing. At the very least, I'd tell him to watch his language around the kids. No one should have to put up with that and children learn what they live. I'm certainly not suggesting that you get into a screaming match with him, but speaking sternly about your concerns is not at all out of line in this situation.
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Old 12-20-2010, 07:30 AM
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I thought your kids were adults? I don't think you have to correct their language anymore. You do not have to stay in an abusive situation to give them some idea of what is right - no matter what their age.

You just have to focus on what you need to make your life manageable, safe, peaceful.

I find it easy to not say anything and then I boil over inside so not sure I have advice that will work with your specific question. Sending you . Christmas is such a stressful season for so many people and the chaos really goes up a factor or two or three when people that are already having trouble try to deal with the added stress and emotion of the holiday.
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Old 12-20-2010, 08:31 AM
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Thank you for your responses! Thumper, you're right. I'm talking about a 19 year old and a 35 year old. However, when my 19 year old starts gaming his mouth becomes a "trash bin" and I try to correct his mouth. But now how I can I correct him if all we hear from my DDH's mouth is trash? You don't know how READY I'm to move out ......but I don't want to spoil their Christmas all together. I have already told them not to expect such a nice warm and cozy Christmas Day, considering their father. If I just can learn how to keep my mouth shut, I'm hoping my DDH won't be such a jerk on that day, at least.

Thanks!
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Old 12-20-2010, 08:39 AM
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I don't think you can worry about a 19 year old's language. He is an adult, he's probably heard worse at school. Perhaps invest into a nice sofa futon that is comfortable and you can sleep on that will keep you out of the wrath of your husband's venting his emotions.
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Old 12-20-2010, 08:45 AM
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I was never able to keep my mouth shut as long as I was attempting to control the people around me.

L
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Old 12-20-2010, 10:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Phoenixthebird View Post
You don't know how READY I'm to move out ......but I don't want to spoil their Christmas all together. I have already told them not to expect such a nice warm and cozy Christmas Day, considering their father. If I just can learn how to keep my mouth shut, I'm hoping my DDH won't be such a jerk on that day, at least.
Alanon teaches us that we must put our own recovery first and foremost. From all your postings, I get the visual of a household held hostage by an abusive man.

Why would Christmas Day be any different for this man in regards to his behaviors and attitudes?

My heart hurts to read of your situation. You are the only one who can make the changes in your life to get out from underneath this abuse.
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Old 12-20-2010, 10:54 AM
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I put off leaving so many times. I waited until after vacation, or after school started, or after Christmas. Then I got pregnant by accident. Twins no less. So then I thought 'I need to make this work'. Then after 18 mos or so things got worse and I started the 'until after this' game again. And they got even worse. And still I would leave after x, y, or z event.

Life doesn't stop. Waiting doesn't help anything. It doesn't make anything easier it just makes things more complicated.

Had I left when I originally came to the conclusion that is what I needed to do (4-5 full years before I did it and even that was a few years to late) life would be a lot different for me and my kids. The older one's would not have the heartache they do. The younger one's wouldn't be here at all. Not that I would ever wish away my children (not for one second) but I am now a woman that is stretched very very thin and it isn't fair to any of them. This is a result of the combination of choices made between my xah and myself.

Those events I waited for were tarnished. They were often ruined. They were not good memories for any of use to move forward with. It delayed a healthy lifestyle is all.

Many hugs to you. I do understand and remember feeling just the way you do and it was not a good feeling. Wishing you the best holiday possible. One day at a time and next week will be here before you know it. If things get to bad ask your son's to take you on a drive to look at the lights, or maybe look up to see which restaurants are open and you can plan to go out for desert so you have some breathing room. Can one of your kids sleep on the couch or bunk in with his brother for a night or two so you can get good rest in one of their rooms? Kids are anxious to help their mom and the 19yo's I know would gladly sleep on the couch or the floor of his brother's room - or take off toa friends house without looking back . Not ideal but then this is not an ideal situation. Not having your nights as a time of rest, peace, and a retreat is sooooo difficult.

ETA: Or if you have the $$ change up your tradition and stay in a motel for the holiday. Eat out, go see something you wouldn't ordinarily get to see. Bigger areas have Christmasy related things but they don't around here - not sure of where you are. Get you and your DDH separate rooms. Who cares if he doesn't like it.
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Old 12-20-2010, 12:00 PM
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Thank you all for your responses! Unfortunately, when my 19 year old starts gaming he starts cursing and swearing when things aren't going right for him on the game. I don't like that language by whoever decides to use it. I normally can get his mouth under control by telling him that I'm not appreciating it. However, I can't tell my DDH anything! I'm just wondering how can I expect my 19 year old to control his tongue when I am powerless over his father. Meditation, you wrote "He is an adult, he's probably heard worse at school." Well, it's HIS tongue that I don't appreciate! Thumper, you suggested "If things get to bad ask your son's to take you on a drive to look at the lights, or maybe look up to see which restaurants are open and you can plan to go out for desert so you have some breathing room." I don't remember how many drives I have had my son take me on. Freedom1990, you wrote "Why would Christmas Day be any different for this man in regards to his behaviors and attitudes?" I'm NOT looking forward to Christmas because I don't expect it to be any different! My sons are hoping to have a nice day, but I've given up on expecting anything pleasant from him!

Meditation, I've thought of getting a thick foam mattress from Wal-Mart for the sofa.

My DDH is out trying to get pain killers for his neck.?! I finally called our primary care provider this morning to see if he could get an appointment ASAP for his pain killers. When he gets one type of pain killers, they help him fall asleep! I got an appointment for tomorrow morning.
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Old 12-20-2010, 12:07 PM
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Maybe I'm off base, but it sounds to me like you are trying to keep everything under control and feel responsible for your kids having a happy Christmas. Hon, that is not your responsibility. Your kids are old enough to take care of their own happiness and your husband sounds like he doesn't have any other switch position other than angry. If it were me, I think I'd just make plans for my own happiness on Christmas and let them all fend for themselves. It's one thing when kids are small and we try to hold things together, but with the kids being grown, they don't need your protection from the realities of life. Just my opinion.
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Old 12-20-2010, 01:09 PM
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suki44883, you kind of HIT IT ON THE BUTTON! I love my adult children, and hate to admit it, but since I'm disabled I need them as my caregivers. I'm not sure any more about my DDH's behavior is alcohol related any longer .....it's like I'm watching him do a melt down! He's spreading his anger throughout our town.

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Old 12-20-2010, 11:26 PM
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Hugs, Phoenix. First, I'll admit that I don't have the cleanest mouth - generally when stubbing toes on the dresser or stepping on Legos that didn't get picked up, or contemplating XAH's failure to take any kind of responsibility. But I digress. A constant stream of foul language, though, is a really big trigger for my anxiety.

I agree that at 19 and 35, you're not responsible for correcting their language any more, but I think it's more than reasonable to be able to set a boundary on the language that is not acceptable in your home. I'm closer to 40 than to 30 and I think my Mom would still threaten a bar of soap, and she would probably follow through with it if the language continued. (And there's no way I would even think of letting a small curse word fly at Grandma and Grandpa's - even if I dropped a piano on my foot.) And while it's great that your husband is so keen on taking his psychiatrist's advice, there are other ways to express anger besides cutting lose with a stream of f-this, that and the other.
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Old 12-21-2010, 10:13 AM
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After reading all the posts and thinking on them, and having a good night's sleep, I woke up and thought I would approach my DDH from another angle. So I started agreeing with him, and all his negative projections. He had previously told me that he had heard from several other people that a stroke can change a person's personality from being a nice person into a B**CH! I told him he was right about me, that I was suicidal, and that I needed to go to our city's mental health hospital for help. He responded "Great! Another Christmas down the drain!" He was going to have to run this through our two sons for their thoughts. I told him that my mental health and my life shouldn't depend on anyone else's opinions! He responded by getting on his laptop and checking out our state's lottery tickets.

So that's where I stand at......! How I can stay calm and collected, and how do I keep my mouth shut at least until Christmas is over?

I guess I just need to keep repeating the Serenity Prayer!

Love and Peace,

Phoenix
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