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Help XAB Just Contacted Me

Old 12-16-2010, 12:21 PM
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Help XAB Just Contacted Me

I've been lurking here for about a month and I swear I could have written most of the posts I've read about dealing/living with an alcoholic. I dated him for 3 years. I've known him for 13 through work, but never knew he was an alcoholic. He has all of the traits. 3 kids with 2 other women out of wedlock, no money, no home, no car (until he left me a month ago). He was peeing around the house (he used to blame the cat), peed under the sink, peed the bed. He drinks about 1 liter of vodka a night. He drank every day except for maybe 1 in the last three years I was with him. He works a different shift than I do so I'd only see him after 10:30PM Tues - Sat and on Sundays and Mondays he spent time with his daughters. I took care of his son (from out of state) all summer long (financially and actual care). He was not very communicative. He would never say if he spoke to his son or his out of state family. I just found out after he left that the mother of his daughters got married about a year ago and he never said anything about it. State secret?? He would stay up late (2-4 am) every night and go outside to sit in the car and smoke and talk on the phone to other people. I got to the point where I didn't like myself very much because I was arguing with him all the time. He couldn't understand why I would get mad. He was falling down the stairs waking me up wanting attention. Intimacy came to a crawl by the end and I started cutting off support. The man didn't even buy deodorant for the past three years. I'm a classic codie. I did everything. I could save him right? Wrong. I felt bad for him. He was adopted and his 2 brothers were killed within the last 10 years and that's when his drinking started. About a month ago I found that he was talking to another woman every night when he was out in the car and confronted him on it and told him he would have to leave and miracle upon miracles he did. He packed up his stuff and brought me back the car that I bought for him to use (I know... cringe) I swear that car has more dings and dents than any car I've ever owned in my life. One time I took a water bottle that was in the bedroom to fill the iron and realized a little too late that it was vodka. The day he brought the car back there was a bottle of water under the seat with vodka in it. I was adamant about him not drinking and driving, but after reading all I have read here he was probably drinking first thing in the morning and taking sips throughout the day. I know I'm all over the place, but its a long story that we've all lived through. He was never violent and he wasn't a mean drunk, just really goofy. I too hate the sound of the ice clinking in the glass and the pouring sound. I hated waking up next to him stinking every single day. I'd have to open the windows to air the place out sometimes. He left a shadow of his body on the sheets every week. This summer he disrespected me in front of his son and that's when I started to detach myself emotionally, but I was still hurt by the fact that he ran off with someone who worked for him. He bought a used truck for himself at 20% that is way above what he can afford. I got mail at my house that showed she insured it for him. That's how I found out where he went. A couple of weeks ago I got more mail saying he couldn't get his tags because he has insurance violations. Anyway today out of the blue 1 month and 8 days after he walked out the door I get an e-mail... "Hi". Oh my God. I'm still in love with him and of course the good codie in me wants to bring him back home and save him but I CAN'T! I told my parents that he was an alcoholic and all of the bad times I had just so I wouldn't be able to take him back without being disowned. I know I'm better off. I know I can't save him. I know, I know, I know. But it's hard to control your emotions. Tomorrow is my birthday and we had such a nice time last year. My parents were shocked when I told them he was an alcoholic. He hides it well when he has to. I just need strength. The problem is I bought a house this year (in my name only) we lived there together for 9 months. He knows where I am. I can't hide out. Help!
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Old 12-16-2010, 12:31 PM
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I can relate to everything you've written.

If my ABF becomes my XABF, and he writes to me, I'll probably write here instead of back to him.

Stay strong!!

Have you tried going to Al-anon? It's been very helpful to me.
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Old 12-16-2010, 12:42 PM
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Thanks. I was just in a panic and typing a mile a minute.

No I haven't gone to Al-anon. I've been contemplating it. I've been trying really hard to stay busy. I've just started to have days when I don't cry anymore. My cousin's husband died last week and that snapped me out of my rut. I just can't imagine what she is going through. I'm upset over a stupid alcoholic ex boyfriend who did me the favor of leaving to go stay somewhere else when every day I thought I was going crazy and couldn't take anymore and I want that back? What the hell is wrong with me.

I did the "list" of pros and cons. The pros - he took the trash out, he'd clean up the dishes, sometimes he smelled good. The cons - too many to mention. I'm going to have to see him again at some point because we work for the same company at different locations. I have to go to his location to audit my remote staff. Hopefully by then I'll be stronger. Now I just have an open wound and keep putting on fresh bandaids. Talking to him would be like ripping off the bandaid and pouring e-coli on myself!
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Old 12-16-2010, 01:02 PM
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I can relate to the 'staying busy' thing. I felt and sometimes still feel almost paralyzed by my emotions or not knowing 'how to feel'. It's kind of like a suspended reality that isn't real at all.

In my quest to stay busy, I just added Al-anon meetings to my schedule. I have a young child, so sometimes it's tricky, but I try to make at least 3 meetings a week. After each one, I feel that much stronger and that much more genuine in my own skin.
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Old 12-16-2010, 01:06 PM
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This time of the year is soooooo hard. What I keep telling myself is I shouldn't be upset at all. I'm going to have as good if not better a Christmas than I had last year. He is going to have a significantly different Christmas than he had the past three years with me. His son especially is going to feel it.

I'm sad about that.
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Old 12-17-2010, 10:27 AM
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Sturtel, you are doing great and there's only one more thing for you to start...

...if you really want to learn to be happy, and also learn to handle situations like the one you are now in. The best part is that it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. I've been doing it for seven years and, like suggested by others, it is Al-Anon.

If possible, try six meetings, some different, before deciding if it is for you. You can find one here: Find a meeting in Maryland

Take care,

Cyranoak

P.s. May I suggest trying a pro/con list that does not list normal things as pros? For example, my wife doesn't find it particularly heroic that I do some housework, nor do I. She considers that normal human behavior, and wouldn't put it on a pro list. Her pro list might have things like: I am able to fix things around the house and on the cars (and do so), I'm fairly certain she thinks I have a good sense of humor, we love food in the same way, we love music, we travel together really well, we love plays, and museums, etc., but it definitely would not have cleaning the kitchen, taking out the trash, or going to work each day because those are things you just do as a person.

Originally Posted by sturtel View Post
This time of the year is soooooo hard. What I keep telling myself is I shouldn't be upset at all. I'm going to have as good if not better a Christmas than I had last year. He is going to have a significantly different Christmas than he had the past three years with me. His son especially is going to feel it.

I'm sad about that.
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Old 12-17-2010, 11:06 AM
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Thanks. I'm off for the next couple of weeks and plan on doing just that. I agree I shouldn't be putting normal things on the pro list. I guess my expectations got so low that I thought those were "heroic".
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Old 12-17-2010, 12:09 PM
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hi sturtel-

can you block him on your email? it would save you going through this again, as he'll probably write again.

i'd imagine that things might not be going so well with the new woman and he's trying to get a fall back position in your nice cozy home.

i would change my phone number too.

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Old 12-17-2010, 12:21 PM
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I've blocked the phone numbers from being able to call my phone unless he would call me from an unknown number. We work for the same company (different locations) so he knows my work e-mail as well as my personal e-mail. You can't really stop someone from contacting you if they really want to. I'm staying silent. Hoping he doesn't show up at the house. My Mom is spending the night Saturday because I'm having the family Christmas party on Sunday at my house for the first time. I didn't want an empty house for the holidays. If he shows up this weekend that would be BAD. I'm hoping he stays away long enough for me to get some strength. I knew I would be weak and want to take him back. That's why I told my parents everything. I know the situation he is in now is not so great. The neighborhood is terrible. Police wont go there without backup and the military base nearby has a warning to military personnel not to go there. Come to find out she worked for us too so I found out a little about her history. Her first ex husband is a registered sex offender (child). Rape, sodomy, the works. He was in jail until this year. I guess after that an alcoholic isn't so bad. I'm terrified for his children. It took everything in me not to contact the mother of his daughters to tell her. You know alcoholics don't have the best judgement and he may or may not know about the ex husband's record. Nightmare. Of course being a codie you just want to swoop in and save everyone. I'm just trying to remain silent. I thought about it all last night. It was just a "Hi" but I know it was a feeler e-mail to see how I would respond. I can't. It's too painful.
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Old 12-17-2010, 01:04 PM
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You can't really stop someone from contacting you if they really want to
no, but you can make it exceedingly difficult for them.

i don't understand why you can't block him on both your email accounts. do you not have an option to do that within your email package?

also, since you think there is a chance he will show up at your house, it might be wise to have a plan of action in place. i know for myself, if i think it all the way through and decide what i will do, it minimized the stress.

when i split with xABF, i didn't answer the door without looking out the window and seeing who it was. if it was him, i didn't answer. i also left the outdoor light on all night, so that i could see who it was.

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Old 12-17-2010, 01:27 PM
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That's so funny! I've been leaving the outside light on since he left. I have a big bay window in the front so I'd see him a mile away. I don't see a block option in my work e-mail. I can't report his account as spam because it will block everyone from my job. He hasn't been abusive. Smart to plan ahead. Dad gave me a pepper spray gun! (I wouldn't do something like that though unless I was attacked and he never showed me any violence.) It's still early in our saga I guess. 1 month and 9 days. I was actually surprised he contacted me this soon. I thought it would be around 6 months or so. Since I found out where he is he can't lie and try to string me along so I just figured he wouldn't want to contact me. What did he expect me to say anyway?

XABF - "Hi"

Possible responses -

--Bu bye!

--Hi! How have you been doing with that new woman of yours? I've missed you soOOO much why don't you just leave her bed and come back to mine so we can take up where we left off....

--Have you peed the bed over there yet?

--I'm sooo glad you got in contact with me so I can send the gifts I was supposed to buy your whole family for you this Christmas. Wouldn't want them to suffer just because you're an alcoholic, cheating, poor man.

--I know... it was another one of your blackouts right? You thought she was me and we moved?

--Oh my God you said, Hi. I knew you cared, love me, want to spend the rest of your life with me and give up all of the alcohol, addictions, other women. Thank you so much for showing me some attention. I'm soooo lucky.
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Old 12-17-2010, 01:32 PM
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--Have you peed the bed over there yet?
:rotfxko

--Oh my God you said, Hi. I knew you cared, love me, want to spend the rest of your life with me and give up all of the alcohol, addictions, other women. Thank you so much for showing me some attention. I'm soooo lucky.

sturtel,
this is good stuff, I think you are doing great for a little over five weeks.
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