Redheadsusie

and not the bad till I remind it! Why is that? I lay in bed at night and think of some good times we had- they are much less frequent than the bad. Then I want to smack myself and remember the reasons I asked him to leave. I feel sorry for him- but God knows he does not feel sorry for me and my loss of my Mom recently and my dying Father. He made fun of me for being upset. He made fun of my menopause, called me names, called my sons names, got mad at the dog for being affectionate, told me I was not allowed affection - not even a hug or kiss unless I was going to "finish the job" - this became life for me and for some reason I accepted it. He expected me to pay the bills but demanded we allow him to be the man of the house and respect him as the boss. WTH? That is something I have to figure out - why would I accept that behavior and be able to justify it in my head. The constant lies- the projecting of his anger and self hate on me- it has left me so broken and worn out. I am confident I can move on and be ok. I have taken the first step - again - but have no questions I can not go back - It will kill me- literally! I have so much to be grateful for and after I cry at night about being lonely- I realize I am no more alone than I was with him here- actually less lonely but scared! - I have my peace and my sanity ( or I am trying to get my sanity back) and for that I am blessed and excited about findind Redheadsusie again!

lillamy

(((hugs)))
I'm in the same place. Saw XRAH briefly last night. He looks great, now that he's been sober for four months. And I started remembering all the good stuff. All the laughs. This morning, I saw something in the paper that I knew we would have had a great discussion about. And I missed him.

So... during our separation, a friend of mine asked, "WHY on earth did you choose to have three children with a man you knew a month into the marriage was an alcoholic?" and I answered in a long e-mail. I went back and reread that e-mail, and that helped.

I think our minds are supremely conditioned for survival -- and that's why we tend to not remember the bad stuff as automatically. Just means we have to remind ourselves.

Tally

It's like some kind of cruel, evil trick the mind plays on us isn't it? I've never really figured out why the good times stick out after a break up. I tend to liken it to the addicted mind...those little voices in our head reminding us how good it could be so that we go back and the pain of the break up stops.

Print the above out and stick in on your fridge. When you feel sad and are remembering the good times, read about the bad times and remember.

You shouldn't blame yourself for sticking with him. It's hard to recognise abuse when you are in it. It becomes "normal" and therefore easier to accept, it's only once you've changed so much that it suddenly dawns on you that it isn't normal or acceptable.

How dare he tell you you're not allowed affection, even from your own dog? That is really horrible, and that is why you accepted it, because he tried to make you feel you were worthy of nothing more.

You're very brave and the steps you are taking now and struggling with will be the ones that give you a brighter, peaceful future filled with affection. The longer you hang in there, the better you will start to feel.

Summerpeach

There is a payoff somewhere to think of the good times. What is the pay off for you?
My therapist would say "Keeping hope alive helps drown out the pain a little bit"

I think our minds are so fragile and hurt that if we kept he bad all the time in our minds, we would explode.
Read up on the stockholm syndrome

TakingCharge999

I have my peace and my sanity ( or I am trying to get my sanity back) and for that I am blessed and excited about findind Redheadsusie again!

That's so cool !! I am also excited about getting to know TC999. I also sometimes feel nostalgia and wonder and then I have to remember my "friend" has been dead for a long time. Only a shell wanders around. Keep bringing your focus to your life and YOUR interests and your plans and it will get easier and easier. Let's keep opening up to the beauty of life on this Earth. I keep asking HP for clarity, so I can see who I really am and let myself feel peace. I am finding even if I am sad I can be at peace. I can feel anger and still be at peace. I can feel longing and still be at peace. I am also learning to be my best friend and talk to myself with the kindness I give others. PROGRESS!

I am glad to be walking this path with you

Live

I think SummerPeach is right.

and also we dont miss the bad in them. not even, right?
so when we think of missing them it is something good.
Put another way, when we are thinking of the bad, we are not missing them.
When we are missing them, it is the good.

this is both very simple and very confusing.

There were things that I did miss. It wasn't 100% crap. If it had been, this would have been much easier and faster.

lillamy

That is so true. Also, living with an addict, we become experts at compartmentalizing. Once I left, I was completely and totally focused on not getting sucked back in again. I knew he could do it, I knew I was susceptible to it. So I went NC completely (only e-mail contact) until the divorce was final.

I know I did the right thing. I needed that distance. But it also means I didn't (as much as I thought only last week) go through the "getting over the marriage" process during the separation. I focused on the "getting the divorce done" part. And I find myself grieving the marriage now, afterwards -- something I really thought I was done with before I even left.

It is harder around Christmas, too, I think, to have a broken family.

Soph

We need to remember that there is no way to know what is coming around the corner for us...as long as we are open and willing...who knows? There are people out there who are much more deserving of your attentions and affection. We just have no crystal balls in front of us...but keep knowing you did the RIGHT THING by refusing to be treated as much less than you are.

Hugs,
Soph