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Goodbye......I cant do this anymore.

Old 12-15-2010, 05:28 AM
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Goodbye......I cant do this anymore.

Ok so you will all know how silly I was when he phoned and told me how much he missed me and could we meet up on Monday night. He said he was giving up drinking that day, was back in touch with his sponsor and into AA. So I went around. He stank of booze - had a major hangover - said he loved me etc etc etc. We were intimate (DUMB I KNOW). We chatted and I told him I was there for him and supported his sobriety. Turns out he had spent the weekend with "a woman friend" attending work functions. Said nothing was going on but that he needed space to heal and I will accept this. I mentioned to him I was going out with some friends - some male and he went crazy saying we have not defined our relationship yet and how can I be going out and about with other men. Anyway then he "shut down" and I left - I did not hear from him again.

Last night he text messaged and when I said I felt he was not "that into me" he went crazy saying "thanks a lot - fine - then ok". I tried to phone him but he would not take the calls and then today a friend calls to say he is so worried about me etc etc etc................this is a nightmare of note. If he is so worried why cant he pick up a phone? Is this how they are sober????

He told my friend that he wants space and doesn't want a relationship or to be involved with anyone, however he loves me now and would like ultimately to get back together. He is saying that that is what he wants at this stage, but he isn't sure of his long term feelings.

THIS IS A LOAD OF CRAP HEY????

Enough is enough. I am the one who always feels pathetic. I read other posts here and here people saying RUN, RUN, RUN. Well I think it is now my turn to run. I love this man but I cant hurt like this anymore. What little self respect I have left is begging me to find the strength to run. I love this man. I want him healed, but the cost to me is too much.

I am so sad now. We live in the same small town and I see him at least twice a week in passing. I just cant do this anymore. I hate it more than anything when he ignores me and he knows that. I am so insecure about this woman he goes out and about drinking with (she does not know he is an alcoholic). Our evenings used to be spent watching sport, reading, never going out because he was tired. Yet he seems to be able to go out and about with her with no problem at all. This given he KNOWS I battle with infidelity given how my marriage ended.

Dear God......please help me to break free.......this is the heardest thing I will ever do.
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Old 12-15-2010, 05:43 AM
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you are addicted to him. it happens in relationships. especially after a divorce from a spouse that left you emotionally starving for affection. I went through it too after my divorce.

On the day you wake up and realize that when you see him, you feel absolutely nothing, like he's just another human walking down the street, like you are totally detached from any emotions for him, that when you see him with this other lady, you'll actually start laughing to yourself knowing what she's in for in the long run, you will then feel liberated and alive again.
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Old 12-15-2010, 06:07 AM
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I can attest to the truth in Kiki's post. She surmised it perfectly, in few words.

Are there al anon meetings in your area? A program of focusing on making your life spectacular, every second of every day, will put you on a rocket trajectory towards happiness.
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Old 12-15-2010, 10:57 AM
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Is this how they are sober????
He's not sober.
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Old 12-15-2010, 11:20 AM
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Good God Woman. Please consider seeking a recovery program for your addiction to alcoholics and/or drama, either through counseling or Al-Anon.

In my opinion while this forum is pretty awesome, it isn't enough. I believe it must be supplemented with counseling, Al-Anon, or both. For me it's both, so I have a three-pronged attack on my addiction to alcohlics and addicts. In order of importance for me its Al-Anon, Counseling, SR.

Take care and good luck,

Cyranoak
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Old 12-15-2010, 12:59 PM
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Cyranoak - I am in therapy - I think that is what is helping me. Al-anon in my town is where my ex husbands OW goes and I cant do that to myself. I will not be in the same room as the woman who was my husband's mistress for 4 years. I keep coming here to learn and try empower myself and then work with my therapist. In my country and specific town, things are not so easy to get too - hence on-line being popular.

Anyway - I am stepping away from it now
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Old 12-15-2010, 01:24 PM
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Drinking or not, this is no way to treat you. If he is that conflicted, you need to make the decision for him and cut the string. I was kind of on a string for a bit and I really grew to resent him for it. But he was trying to sort through recovery and felt a relationship was too much. Fine. So I basically said 'good luck and ya know where to find me'. Billions of men and I'm gonna sit and wait for a jobless guy with no car 'decide' if he wants to be with a me? I don't think so.

Factor in that he is still drinking, his head is in a hazy fog much of the time and he clearly can't sort himself out. He really doesn't have the capacity to be in a relationship. That part is true. So why be with someone who is telling you he can't be there for you? Why even debate it? You deserve someone who is dying to be with you and spend time with you, someone SOBER.

You are seeing it clearly and it will be very sad because you know you do deserve better and this man cannot treat you better.*

*You know where is a great place to meet guys? Deli's during the lunch hour! You get all kinds of guys with JOBS buying sandwiches.. just sayin
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Old 12-15-2010, 01:25 PM
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Good God Woman. Please consider seeking a recovery program for your addiction to alcoholics and/or drama, either through counseling or Al-Anon.
JW123- you handled this very well in my opinion. You came here openly and honestly asking for help and that puts you head and shoulders above the ordinary crowd in my opinion.

You'll be fine. In my experience, I take a few steps forward then one step back. It's a long process but being kind to yourself really is the first step. It's so worth it to take back your life!
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Old 12-15-2010, 02:00 PM
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It is a load of cr-p. He is not sober. Even if there is nothing romantic / sexual going on with the OW (I'm not saying one way or the other), him going out and drinking with her when he knows it leaves you feeling bad is just sh-tty. That's not the action of some one who wants to or knows how to be in a committed, loving relationship. You deserve to be treated better than that.

It helped me to not look at it as forever. I just had to not see him, call him or take his calls today, the next hour, the next few minutes. The more time I've been away from him, the clearer I've been able to see our relationship and realize that it was not what I wanted or needed; who I was trying to hang on to was not who he actually was, but who I wanted him to be.

Sending you hugs, JW123.
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Old 12-15-2010, 05:35 PM
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I am so sad now. We live in the same small town and I see him at least twice a week in passing. I just cant do this anymore. I hate it more than anything when he ignores me and he knows that. I am so insecure about this woman he goes out and about drinking with (she does not know he is an alcoholic). Our evenings used to be spent watching sport, reading, never going out because he was tired. Yet he seems to be able to go out and about with her with no problem at all. This given he KNOWS I battle with infidelity given how my marriage ended.

Dear God......please help me to break free.......this is the heardest thing I will ever do.



Hey... the same happened to me!! well, we were not married but I was also "madly in love" and he got someone else right infront of my nose and he brought her to the office , I ran into them EVERYWHERE, she is a "fun drinker" and I kept running into their pictures at the beach etc etc.

2 years later he is still the same drunk loser he always was. And I am starting to like myself more and to have less feelings about him. I used to torture myself imagining both of them and their life etc etc. I am not perfect but by now I know its all a show he puts. That indifference hurts me but mainly its due to daddy issues and how my dad did the same, abandoned me, leave mom and act as if nothing happened and as if I didn't matter or my feelings were inappropiate. The lack of acknowledgement for my pain makes me very very sad. I know this is not about XABF as he is nothing special, its the relation with my dad I need to heal and after I do that XABF or anyone else will be easy to deal with.

In therapy and reading self help books and SR I am learning to be humble and own my mistakes. Also it seems very very difficult but indifference towards them is possible. Forgiveness is possible. And funnily enough once I started working on letting go of him and letting go of her and letting go of my resentments with my father and letting go of the old me, I no longer run into this XABF or his GF even when we still work in the same place, we even stopped working closely altogether and it also a small city.

I went NO CONTACT with him and his friends and anyone who knew him. I felt and feel lonely at times. But I got 2 cats and started to nurture the few REAL friendships I got and its all I need. I am starting to see I was acting out very old pains of mine. But I also got intelligence and the tools to grow from it. If I could do it anyone can, I am the Codie Queen!! take care and remember the HALT RULE - Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Scan yourself several times a day and so something about it. Eat well . Sleep well. Take deep breaths. This too shall pass. Many here went or are going through the same. I can say most of us feel much better after some time and inner work. It gets much better than this. The freedom and peace you seek is already within you. This is a harsh lesson but once you move on from this you will be much stronger and wiser and it all will be a passing thought.

Also if you like to torture yourself thinking he is happy, remember no one that abuses a substance is happy even if they insist, deep down they are hurting and life has a way of giving them all the consequences of their actions (I believe in karma). I tend to think alkies look for other alkies and then they also learn how it feels like to have an addict next to you capable of so much hurt and often, all kinds of abuse. Many don't come out from that cycle alive and you did. There is absolutely NOTHING to envy there.

Hugs!!
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Old 12-15-2010, 06:49 PM
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He sounds like the great manipulator....start doing something for yourself. Take care of yourself. Treat yourself. Dont tolerate that kind of behavior, it just brings you down to his level...and that where he wants you to be.

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Old 12-15-2010, 08:40 PM
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I would LOVE to see Naive do her special 'interpretation' of JW's original post!! I would try, but I'd just embarrass myself. We need the master.
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Old 12-15-2010, 08:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
Billions of men and I'm gonna sit and wait for a jobless guy with no car 'decide' if he wants to be with a me? I don't think so.
THAT'S pretty damned funny. What a prize!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 12-16-2010, 03:07 AM
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per tjp's request, i've broken out the alcoholic translator...jw, this is a translation of what he said, from the alcoholic's point of view...might not apply in it's entirety but it's normally not far off...

he phoned and told me how much he missed me and could we meet up on Monday night.
translation: hmm, i'm horny. could use some sex. i got it! i'll call jw. she'll give me an earfull about drink but she'll probably have sex with me.

He said he was giving up drinking that day, was back in touch with his sponsor and into AA.
translation: let's see. what will work with her? i know! i'll tell her i'm quitting drinking. yeah, that's the ticket!

So I went around. He stank of booze - had a major hangover - said he loved me etc etc etc.
translation: well, i said i was giving up drinking today. it's reasonable that i drank today, as today is not over yet. see, i'm not drinking right now, am i?

We were intimate
translation: bingo!

We chatted and I told him I was there for him and supported his sobriety.
translation: i really wish she would stop going on about my drinking, but i'll suffer it because i want sex.

Turns out he had spent the weekend with "a woman friend" attending work functions. Said nothing was going on but that he needed space to heal and I will accept this
translation: i tried all weekend to get this other woman into bed. no luck yet, but i think it'll be a better situation than jw because this new woman doesn't bother me about my drinking. jw is really beginning to be a drag, always harping on about my drinking. i do not have a drinking problem! i'll just string jw along until i score with the work woman. no, i could string both of them along! i'm really getting quite a bit of mileage from the story that i'm hurt about my divorce. the women seems to eat it up. i'll try that line with the new one, seems to work quite well.

I mentioned to him I was going out with some friends - some male and he went crazy saying we have not defined our relationship yet and how can I be going out and about with other men.
translation: you must sit at home and wait for my call. how dare you go out and enjoy yourself. don't you understand that there is one set of rules for me, and another for you!

Anyway then he "shut down" and I left - I did not hear from him again.
translation: she's getting out of line. i'll give her the cold shoulder. i'll let her stew for a few days and then when i call her, she'll be desperate to see me, because hey, i'm irrisistable.

Last night he text messaged and when I said I felt he was not "that into me" he went crazy saying "thanks a lot - fine - then ok".
translation: better text her rather than call as i'm steaming drunk. she'll notice it in my voice.


I tried to phone him but he would not take the calls
translation: <pass out, your text comes in, he doesn't hear it as he's sleeping on the couch, fully dressed with beer cans all over the floor>

and then today a friend calls to say he is so worried about me etc etc etc................
translation: morning now. what a hangover! oh, some texts came in from her. she's upset. i better do some damage control. let's see, i know! i'll call her friend, pretend i care. <pats self on back> you are so clever, exceptional really. no wonder all the woman want to be with me.

He told my friend that he wants space and doesn't want a relationship or to be involved with anyone, however he loves me now and would like ultimately to get back together. He is saying that that is what he wants at this stage, but he isn't sure of his long term feelings.
translation: i just want sex with no responsiblities.
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Old 12-16-2010, 04:35 AM
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I love it when Naive does this, I really do.

For years I tried to understand wtf was going on with my AH. Years. When I first came here, Naives translations would confuse me. How could he really mean those things? But seriously, it was the only explanation that finally made sense to me.

I had already seen the behavior pattern over and over again and was ready to accept reality.

Now that the mystery is gone, he's so much less..well, mysterious, and more unattractive. Less alluring. More sad to me.

But the best news is that I let go of trying to control him, which has brought me the greatest freedom ever. And to replace that obsessive, constant nagging feelings I had about him-where is he, what is he doing, does he love me?-I have in place that same level of attention and work on my life. I'm creating something satisfying in it's place.
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Old 12-16-2010, 04:53 AM
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Bravo!! Excellent work, Naive!!
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Old 12-16-2010, 08:03 AM
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It seems naive was looking in my windows, eavesdropping on my phone calls, and being a fly on my wall.

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Old 12-16-2010, 08:52 AM
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yeah, i was the same as you, transformie. years i spent trying to decipher his behavior. then i came here. and i heard the same stories from everyone here. and it finally started to make sense.

i armed myself with my new found knowledge. all of a sudden, i realized that he called all the time, not to speak with me, but to know my comings and goings, so he could choose a pub where i wouldn't see him.

i realized that when he blanked me, it was either about getting me back in line or merely because he was passed out.

i realized when he said he loved me, it was because he wanted something from me.

i realized when he made a promise to quit, it was only to keep me hooked. the behavior went right back to the same as soon as i took him back.

i recall one day he had just left my house, assured i was in for the evening. he said he was going his house, to eat and have an early night.

on a whim, i decided to take a walk down the street. as i passed the pub, i stood outside, intuiting that he was in there. i opened the door and sure enough, there he was! i almost laughed inside, thinking to myself, "bet i can guess what he'll do now...he'll come out here and somehow blame me for something."

sure enough, out he came. and out of his mouth came a stream of abuse, about how i had gone out a week ago and had a few drinks. mind you, he had left me at home for two weeks and a friend had invited me out.

as i stood there, listening to his tirade about my drinking problem, how i am friendly to strangers, how i went out a week ago, it all came together for me.

i could have scripted it. i could have written it word for word. and it washed over me and didn't touch me. i had seen thru it.

i left him and walked down the street. i noted i wasn't at all disturbed. and i thought to myself, "what would i do now if xABF didn't exist" and i thought, i would go and mingle with the people, have an evening out. and i did just that and had a good time.
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Old 12-16-2010, 03:17 PM
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i know! i'll call her friend, pretend i care. <pats self on back>

oh naive, that post of yours is priceless. Its very sad and so true. Wow.


But the best news is that I let go of trying to control him, which has brought me the greatest freedom ever.


transformy I had the chance to practice this today and yes it was the greatest freedom ever. No longer being surprised. Dettachment, taking a deep breath...

I wonder if the AA forum also has a codie translator?
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Old 12-17-2010, 08:30 AM
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"Is this how they are sober?"

He does not sound sober, you say he is running around drinking with a woman and stinks of booze.

No, he is not sober.
This is not the hardest thing you will ever do. You can make the choice. The hard part is doing your work. The stepping away seems hardest because it is your resisitance to your work.

He is not sober. It is too much for you to try and make sense of a drinking, active alcoholics words/behavior and the inevitable hypocrisy that comes from that.

What about YOU? What do you want? What kind of days do you want to have?
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