Can I FORCE my AW to quit?

Old 12-18-2010, 03:44 AM
  # 61 (permalink)  
Thumper's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,444
We each have our own path to walk. We each have to do what is right for us. Keep posting, keep reading, keep asking questions! It makes the path less lonely and bumpy.

Have you read the stickies at the top? There is a lot of good info in there. I can't remember if you said you'd been to al-anon or not. That is a great group and a great resource.

Naive said. reality is that alcoholics cannot limit their drinking to two bottles of wine a week. that only gives them the taste for more and once they get a bit of alcohol, they are off and running. Truer words were never spoken. It is a medical fact. The alcohol effects their very brain chemistry. Proceed cautiously - her entire post is true.
Thumper is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Thumper For This Useful Post:
keepinon (12-18-2010), naive (12-18-2010), wicked (12-19-2010)
Old 12-18-2010, 07:11 AM
  # 62 (permalink)  
littlefish's Avatar
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,650
Rhode it sounds like both of you have agreed that you are going to be her program.

Sigh...and sorry to say, but that is a path riddled with landmines. You have essentially decided on a path of you controlling her drinking. That will threaten your relationship just as much as alcohol does, because it turns you into a parent figure to her. And, it won't work.

I would have a talk with her again and tell her you want her to seek a program of recovery for herself, independently of you, with other people, at other places than in her own home. That she will take seriously and work with the intent to recover.

That could be rehab, AA, Smart recovery, a local outpatient (day) rehab program, etc, etc.

A program of recovery will include some elements that are missing in your current plan:

She has to want to be sober more than she wants to drink. She has to acknowledge her alcoholism. A red flag came up for me when she responded to your request to stop drinking with accusations about your past behavior. If she is still thinking that her drinking is someone else's fault, (your fault)....absolutely nothing is going to happen.
littlefish is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to littlefish For This Useful Post:
coyote21 (12-18-2010), flutter (12-18-2010), keepinon (12-18-2010), laurie6781 (12-18-2010), nvrbeentospain (12-18-2010), wicked (12-19-2010)
Old 12-18-2010, 07:26 AM
  # 63 (permalink)  
LaTeeDa's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Kmber2010 View Post
I wish you well and really urge you to seek support for yourself and to take necessary steps to protect you and the children.
Whatever your wife does or doesn't do ^^^^this needs to be the top priority.

Just sharing my experience. I had hundreds of "agreements" over the years about my husband's drinking. He would drink less, he would stop drinking, he would go to the gym, eat healthy, etc. etc. etc.

And he did all those things--for a while. I think the longest he stayed sober was four months once. It was a miserable time with him craving booze, resenting me for "making" him give it up, and all of us walking on eggshells.

Anyway, my point is that although you may be able to force your way for a while, it will not last. In order for an alcoholic to get sober, it has to be something they want.

It would be wise to get some help for yourself and do what you can to protect your children. I know this seems like "giving up," but it's really just a plan B, in case plan A doesn't work out.

LaTeeDa is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to LaTeeDa For This Useful Post:
coyote21 (12-18-2010), Jazzman (12-18-2010), wicked (12-19-2010)
Old 12-18-2010, 07:51 AM
  # 64 (permalink)  
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I tried to convince my wife to change from vodka to wine, then from red to white, negotiating limits like quantities per a given time frame. Only beer during the week, etc.

For me those efforts tuned out to be a frustrating waste of time and energy and only served to build resentment between the two of us. Any joint progress was at a stand still and we were just slowly heading towards disaster.

I did however, make great individual progress by seeing a counselor that specialized in addictions, joining support groups. Reading books like Under the Influence, Getting Them Sober, Codependent No More, etc.
Jazzman is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Jazzman For This Useful Post:
coyote21 (12-18-2010), wicked (12-19-2010)
Old 12-18-2010, 08:30 AM
  # 65 (permalink)  
Bernadette's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,812
Hi Rhode-
Glad you are feeling a little relief, a little movement. If nothng else these next few weeks of her trying to moderate her drinking will show you both a lot. What you each learn and what you choose to do with this information is an individual thing.

Wishing you a peaceful day - do something that brings you serenity and peace of mind.

More will be revealed....

Bernadette is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Bernadette For This Useful Post:
ady gil (12-18-2010), coyote21 (12-18-2010), desertgirl (12-18-2010), flutter (12-18-2010), Thumper (12-18-2010), wicked (12-19-2010)
Old 12-19-2010, 04:30 AM
  # 66 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,073
Originally Posted by Rhode View Post
Thank you all for your answers. There seem to be unanimity that what I’m contemplating is the wrong way to go. The thought process that led me to this idea centered around the fact that I would be doing something good for HER by being hard on her. That by my being forgiving –I wasn’t doing her any favor.
I don’t want to tell her “Get out!” because it will go to the core of her fears of abandonment. I want to give her a sense that I’m here for her if she tries to quit.
And with respect to the children – they love her, and she loves them. The drinking affects her into being more irritable, more tired, less attentive to the kids, an occasional burst of anger. But she is not an abusive parent in the more typical sense of the word. And I may not be objective because they are my children – but I think they are growing well and happy and I’m proud of their achievements. They are almost always jovial and boisterous and have no behavior problems that can be attributed to their mom being an alcoholic.

If you tell her to leave she may very well seek advice from other drunks and she may try to accuse you of abuse and get a restraining order that could force you to vacate but continue to pay the bills, send her money that she would use for booze while still caring for young children ( a dangerous scenario)

Believe me, currently she sees you as the ENABLER, the good guy, once you stop enabling, you may become despised by her, or despised by what alcohol has done to her.

I would highly suggest you document her drinking, video, audio, pics, etc etc, receipts because she will continue to deteriorate emotionally and physically and you MUST protect your kids and yourself.

My exAW at one point tried to get me to leave our home assuring me her and her friends would pay the bills however the mortgage was in my name only. Her friends were either unemployed drunks, or minimum wage seasonal worker drunks.

Don't stop loving her but please understand that alcohol is in control of the person you married and it is progressive.
steve11694 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to steve11694 For This Useful Post:
wicked (12-19-2010)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:52 AM.