how to tell the kids
how to tell the kids
Guess I should have read the bazillion other threads with this same title. At least I'm not alone..
So I'm experiencing some amazing freedom from fear of what AH will do or say when I draw boundaries regarding his drinking and the kids. Don't care.
Have spoken with an attorney-who happens to be my business partners father and is a recovering alcoholic. That makes me feel better-and worse.
However, the more I detach, the clearer I can see things. Christmas is coming. AH will be very very unhappy to hear he will not be taking the kids to his family event this year. Don't care. Here's why, when I really break it down, it is not an option.
I am not going. I do not like his sister. She has always, only, ignored me. I do not have to subject myself to her or her snarky husband so that I can be the watchdog on AH's drinking.
I am not going. I will not subject myself or the kids to his drinking-which WILL happen and there's no convincing me it won't. Actions!
Without Transform there to drive and monitor his drinking, the children will not be going.
I know he's going to have an absolute tantrum, which I do not care about, but the problem will be the kids.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't dreading telling this to AH, as he has all kinds of family issues surrounding Christmas, but seriously? His issues mean nothing to me in the context of his continued alcoholic drinking around the kids.
Only real thing I'm struggling with is how to tell them. Anyone have suggestions for the right words?
So I'm experiencing some amazing freedom from fear of what AH will do or say when I draw boundaries regarding his drinking and the kids. Don't care.
Have spoken with an attorney-who happens to be my business partners father and is a recovering alcoholic. That makes me feel better-and worse.
However, the more I detach, the clearer I can see things. Christmas is coming. AH will be very very unhappy to hear he will not be taking the kids to his family event this year. Don't care. Here's why, when I really break it down, it is not an option.
I am not going. I do not like his sister. She has always, only, ignored me. I do not have to subject myself to her or her snarky husband so that I can be the watchdog on AH's drinking.
I am not going. I will not subject myself or the kids to his drinking-which WILL happen and there's no convincing me it won't. Actions!
Without Transform there to drive and monitor his drinking, the children will not be going.
I know he's going to have an absolute tantrum, which I do not care about, but the problem will be the kids.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't dreading telling this to AH, as he has all kinds of family issues surrounding Christmas, but seriously? His issues mean nothing to me in the context of his continued alcoholic drinking around the kids.
Only real thing I'm struggling with is how to tell them. Anyone have suggestions for the right words?
I always just fall back on the truth with LMC, right or wrong, she knows what is going on and why.
When I have something difficult for me to say, I ask for HP to speak through me. Then the words come from some where, HP I guess. It's always worked out.
You're not punishing him or any one, you are protecting your kids. That realization always clarifies things for me.
Good luck, we love you.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
When I have something difficult for me to say, I ask for HP to speak through me. Then the words come from some where, HP I guess. It's always worked out.
You're not punishing him or any one, you are protecting your kids. That realization always clarifies things for me.
Good luck, we love you.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
I suggest telling them what they will be doing instead of what they won't be doing. Keep the message positive.
Alanon has taught me to have a Plan B when alcholics are involved. I think you might benefit from having a Plan B for that particular day.
Share with your boys the plans you have made for that day.
(examples: decorating Christmas cookies, fun visit to _______, movie marathon, etc)
They are young and their focus is short.
Keep it simple.
If they ask why they aren't joining dad's family tradition, tell the truth:
You want to protect them from alcoholic behavior this holiday.
Sending Love and Support as you make healthy choices for yourselves this holiday!
Alanon has taught me to have a Plan B when alcholics are involved. I think you might benefit from having a Plan B for that particular day.
Share with your boys the plans you have made for that day.
(examples: decorating Christmas cookies, fun visit to _______, movie marathon, etc)
They are young and their focus is short.
Keep it simple.
If they ask why they aren't joining dad's family tradition, tell the truth:
You want to protect them from alcoholic behavior this holiday.
Sending Love and Support as you make healthy choices for yourselves this holiday!
Thank you both so much. I love you too.
Problem is, this is a family tradition, one they look forward to all year long.
I am thinking about how to handle it. When I think of my childrens well being as the single most important factor, it's true that I want to protect them from alcoholic behavior, yet they have bought presents for their cousins and are looking forward to this night.
I'll keep thinking about it. I may take them with AH. Spend enough time there for the kids to open their presents and run around for a bit, then gtf out of there, leaving AH to find his own way home, discussing all of this in advance with the kids and keeping in mind these fantastic suggestions.
Problem is, this is a family tradition, one they look forward to all year long.
I am thinking about how to handle it. When I think of my childrens well being as the single most important factor, it's true that I want to protect them from alcoholic behavior, yet they have bought presents for their cousins and are looking forward to this night.
I'll keep thinking about it. I may take them with AH. Spend enough time there for the kids to open their presents and run around for a bit, then gtf out of there, leaving AH to find his own way home, discussing all of this in advance with the kids and keeping in mind these fantastic suggestions.
Thank you both so much. I love you too.
Problem is, this is a family tradition, one they look forward to all year long.
I am thinking about how to handle it. When I think of my childrens well being as the single most important factor, it's true that I want to protect them from alcoholic behavior, yet they have bought presents for their cousins and are looking forward to this night.
I'll keep thinking about it. I may take them with AH. Spend enough time there for the kids to open their presents and run around for a bit, then gtf out of there, leaving AH to find his own way home, discussing all of this in advance with the kids and keeping in mind these fantastic suggestions.
Problem is, this is a family tradition, one they look forward to all year long.
I am thinking about how to handle it. When I think of my childrens well being as the single most important factor, it's true that I want to protect them from alcoholic behavior, yet they have bought presents for their cousins and are looking forward to this night.
I'll keep thinking about it. I may take them with AH. Spend enough time there for the kids to open their presents and run around for a bit, then gtf out of there, leaving AH to find his own way home, discussing all of this in advance with the kids and keeping in mind these fantastic suggestions.
Now you're talking. Clarity exposes options that I didn't realize I had before.
The plan in your last paragraph lets them enjoy their Christmas, and allows him to enjoy the fruits of HIS actions. Win/win.
Also, looking back on the "no holds barred drunkfests" of years past, arriving/leaving early would have allowed me to avoid the worst of it.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
I think this is a case of doing what is going to cause you the least stress on a holiday. The less stressed you are the happier the kids will be no matter where they are.
I like your idea of going early and leaving early. You could switch days and go the day before or invite them to your house. You can do one thing this year and a different thing next year. Maybe next year you take a short vacation somewhere and that can 're-set' your traditions.
Our holiday will be very different too and they won't get to see their dad (which he is blaming on me of course) and our Christmas gathering was the in-laws in years past so it will be very quiet at my house.
I like your idea of going early and leaving early. You could switch days and go the day before or invite them to your house. You can do one thing this year and a different thing next year. Maybe next year you take a short vacation somewhere and that can 're-set' your traditions.
Our holiday will be very different too and they won't get to see their dad (which he is blaming on me of course) and our Christmas gathering was the in-laws in years past so it will be very quiet at my house.
Yes yes and yes
My presence at the "No holds barred drunkfests" is no longer required or tolerated. You can pee in the closet in the middle of the night on your own, thank you.
My childrens' attendance is also no longer allowed. They can hear how their father loves them when he's sober, because when he is sober, he tries to be a good parent. And they love him very much, obviously.
And yes, thank you Thumper for reminding me that my stress level affects those guys and boy does it! I ignored them FOR YEARS because I was obsessed with AH and his drinking and women. Ugh. I was talking myself down from that shame earlier.
So, I'll be talking to AH about this tonight. Maybe. He wants to discuss our boys birthday tomorrow, on his day off, as he has "plans" for tonight.
Tomorrow IS the boys birthday. No, we can either discuss it tonight, while he's sober at my house, or he can be on his own. Shameful really how A's choose alcohol over their family. Disgusting, shameful, tragic, and not my problem thank you. I will create a wonderful little party, at my oldest sons house, with lasagna and cheesecake and hopefully AH will come.
But I'm not planning on it. Plan B IS the plan of action, he can come along or not.
As far as Christmas eve goes, I will have to let the kids know that when it's time to go, it's time to go. Maybe I'll have something spectacular planned for after we leave. Like, going to see their brother. Or buy a pony or something...
My presence at the "No holds barred drunkfests" is no longer required or tolerated. You can pee in the closet in the middle of the night on your own, thank you.
My childrens' attendance is also no longer allowed. They can hear how their father loves them when he's sober, because when he is sober, he tries to be a good parent. And they love him very much, obviously.
And yes, thank you Thumper for reminding me that my stress level affects those guys and boy does it! I ignored them FOR YEARS because I was obsessed with AH and his drinking and women. Ugh. I was talking myself down from that shame earlier.
So, I'll be talking to AH about this tonight. Maybe. He wants to discuss our boys birthday tomorrow, on his day off, as he has "plans" for tonight.
Tomorrow IS the boys birthday. No, we can either discuss it tonight, while he's sober at my house, or he can be on his own. Shameful really how A's choose alcohol over their family. Disgusting, shameful, tragic, and not my problem thank you. I will create a wonderful little party, at my oldest sons house, with lasagna and cheesecake and hopefully AH will come.
But I'm not planning on it. Plan B IS the plan of action, he can come along or not.
As far as Christmas eve goes, I will have to let the kids know that when it's time to go, it's time to go. Maybe I'll have something spectacular planned for after we leave. Like, going to see their brother. Or buy a pony or something...
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi transformie-
i like your idea of going for a little while. if it was me, i wouldn't discuss it at all with AH. make your decision and just do it. i can't see how communicating to AH ahead of time will help anything, it will probably just end up in a fight.
an alternative could be to do things altogether differently and don't go to the party at all, but have something at your house where you invite the cousins over.
as for how to tell the boy's, i'm with coyote's advice.
i like your idea of going for a little while. if it was me, i wouldn't discuss it at all with AH. make your decision and just do it. i can't see how communicating to AH ahead of time will help anything, it will probably just end up in a fight.
an alternative could be to do things altogether differently and don't go to the party at all, but have something at your house where you invite the cousins over.
as for how to tell the boy's, i'm with coyote's advice.
Good one.
Maybe you could drink hot chocolate in the car, get some snacks and cookies, listen to Christmas music, and drive around and look at all the lights after you leave the house so it isn't like just leaving and coming home but the next step of Christmas Eve celebration. Adding something, not taking something away. :
I will do this next week. Pray for me. This usually involves flying cookies, bellyaching about which side of the car the lights are on, the occasional flying mitten-ed hand, and other un-Christmasy behavior. I demand they have fun. I may threaten them with *walking* around looking at lights and.....Caroling...that ought to shape them up.
Maybe you could drink hot chocolate in the car, get some snacks and cookies, listen to Christmas music, and drive around and look at all the lights after you leave the house so it isn't like just leaving and coming home but the next step of Christmas Eve celebration. Adding something, not taking something away. :
I will do this next week. Pray for me. This usually involves flying cookies, bellyaching about which side of the car the lights are on, the occasional flying mitten-ed hand, and other un-Christmasy behavior. I demand they have fun. I may threaten them with *walking* around looking at lights and.....Caroling...that ought to shape them up.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I REALLY like the go, stay for a bit, GTF out of there, and leave him and them to their Christmas excuse for drinkfest.
My As family is quite the same. I will be doing something similar this year. I will be suggesting to him that he do the same since he is sober, and they have no boundary, respect, or self limitation.
On thanksgiving he was stressed at the drinking, and my son and I left, and he stayed. he later said he regretted that.
I dont even want to be around MIL this year, but she is a major player in my 6 year olds life, and I cannot just ignore that and break his heart.
I will be going to my moms, with my son early day, and if A wants to come, then he shall.( my mom is active A, but she does not make alcohol central to family functions. SHe does not get snockered...) no problem, but if he has drama and is moping he will meet us at his family function later. I will have separate car, so I will leave before I become bitter and cynical, LOL...
Small doses, and independence in mobility. yay!
My As family is quite the same. I will be doing something similar this year. I will be suggesting to him that he do the same since he is sober, and they have no boundary, respect, or self limitation.
On thanksgiving he was stressed at the drinking, and my son and I left, and he stayed. he later said he regretted that.
I dont even want to be around MIL this year, but she is a major player in my 6 year olds life, and I cannot just ignore that and break his heart.
I will be going to my moms, with my son early day, and if A wants to come, then he shall.( my mom is active A, but she does not make alcohol central to family functions. SHe does not get snockered...) no problem, but if he has drama and is moping he will meet us at his family function later. I will have separate car, so I will leave before I become bitter and cynical, LOL...
Small doses, and independence in mobility. yay!
I also like the go then leave early. Time to create a bunch of new Transform traditions (don't want to have to buy a pony EVERY year!) I agree-the truth works best. Had to do this with older DS this weekend when he did his "if you had not divorced dad we would not have to not spend my birthday, Christmas, fill in the blank) without Daddy. I reminded him he would be spending time with his Dad and yes it may be weird to not have him there Christmas morning but that they would be going to his house in the afternoon and have Christmas there.
I am starting some new traditions because of this transition (one being NOT getting the Christmas stollen that only xah liked). They both have been bugging me to make a gingerbread house so I thought I would buy one and put it under the tree and we can make it when we are done opening presents. Of course this idea may get bagged once they see their presents and find them more interesting than the gingerbread house!
I am starting some new traditions because of this transition (one being NOT getting the Christmas stollen that only xah liked). They both have been bugging me to make a gingerbread house so I thought I would buy one and put it under the tree and we can make it when we are done opening presents. Of course this idea may get bagged once they see their presents and find them more interesting than the gingerbread house!
Are we forgetting the "You're getting TWO Christmases here", part?
I always pitch that one, like someone else pointed out, they're getting something ADDED, not taken away.
Seconds on the pony!
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
I always pitch that one, like someone else pointed out, they're getting something ADDED, not taken away.
Seconds on the pony!
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
This is great. I forgot it's the holidays and all of us who still have to deal with our A's are dealing with this scenario. I"m not alone, far from it. Ah, (recovering) misery loves company.
I did unfortunately already tell AH about the plan to go early Christmas eve and then GTF out of there. He said, "we'll have to talk about that," so now I know he'll be scheming. Whatever. Scheme away.
I already started priming the kids. Gave them the "I'm keeping you safe from alcoholic behavior," talk. They listened. They're not stupid. They're not comfortable, but I'm not going to shut the hell up and let this disease ruin their lives, make them afraid of abandonment. Hells no.
You can bet he'll freak out about me talking to the kids. Don't care. I was thinking about it earlier, fretting in fact, when I had a beautiful realization.
He has blamed me a bazillion times for everything under the sun and I bought it. He's blamed me for his actions, blamed me for his anger and misery, blamed me for the money being gone, the kids being screwed up, the dog being fat. He has switched the conversation from his drinking to my being selfish or any other thing he can try to bait me with. I doubted myself, I more than doubted myself and cheated myself. I lived in hell. Every minute of every day, even when i was happy I was not in any way as happy as I am today because I believed I was unlovable.
That was before I was unplugged from the matrix. Remember that movie? Once you get unplugged and see the world for what it is, there's no going back. You know the difference between illusions and reality, and even when reality is awful, it's better than the illusion.
So today I see. I see how sad and desperate he is, and I'm not. I'm not any of the things he accused me of. It was all just a trick. And I'm not desperate for him to love me because I love myself.
And I love my simple way of interacting with him now. We can have lots of fun, work alongside each other, share the car, problem solve-but that's not reliable, consistent or up to me.
I've been consistently stating my boundary with the drinking. Not yelling, threatening, crying or really giving two sh*ts if he understands or intends to comply because I know my boundary and will enforce it. There's no distracting me.
If he dances, switches topics, tries to blame, I just say, "No, sorry not going to work," and restate my boundary before getting the hell away from him.
Since being unplugged, his tricks don't work anymore. Not anger, not blaming, not pretending to comply, not the pity card, none of it. It's not my problem. Not my business..
I did unfortunately already tell AH about the plan to go early Christmas eve and then GTF out of there. He said, "we'll have to talk about that," so now I know he'll be scheming. Whatever. Scheme away.
I already started priming the kids. Gave them the "I'm keeping you safe from alcoholic behavior," talk. They listened. They're not stupid. They're not comfortable, but I'm not going to shut the hell up and let this disease ruin their lives, make them afraid of abandonment. Hells no.
You can bet he'll freak out about me talking to the kids. Don't care. I was thinking about it earlier, fretting in fact, when I had a beautiful realization.
He has blamed me a bazillion times for everything under the sun and I bought it. He's blamed me for his actions, blamed me for his anger and misery, blamed me for the money being gone, the kids being screwed up, the dog being fat. He has switched the conversation from his drinking to my being selfish or any other thing he can try to bait me with. I doubted myself, I more than doubted myself and cheated myself. I lived in hell. Every minute of every day, even when i was happy I was not in any way as happy as I am today because I believed I was unlovable.
That was before I was unplugged from the matrix. Remember that movie? Once you get unplugged and see the world for what it is, there's no going back. You know the difference between illusions and reality, and even when reality is awful, it's better than the illusion.
So today I see. I see how sad and desperate he is, and I'm not. I'm not any of the things he accused me of. It was all just a trick. And I'm not desperate for him to love me because I love myself.
And I love my simple way of interacting with him now. We can have lots of fun, work alongside each other, share the car, problem solve-but that's not reliable, consistent or up to me.
I've been consistently stating my boundary with the drinking. Not yelling, threatening, crying or really giving two sh*ts if he understands or intends to comply because I know my boundary and will enforce it. There's no distracting me.
If he dances, switches topics, tries to blame, I just say, "No, sorry not going to work," and restate my boundary before getting the hell away from him.
Since being unplugged, his tricks don't work anymore. Not anger, not blaming, not pretending to comply, not the pity card, none of it. It's not my problem. Not my business..
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