Why do I bother
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Why do I bother
Today was older DS's birthday. We had the party yesterday-kid party--had a sleepover. Today we were supposed to meet xah for lunch but we are in the middle of a blizzard. xah had a gig about 40 miles away last night and could not get home. Finally got home and his van was on the way. So although the lunch had been cancelled and we made arrangements to take older DS out for dinner on Tuesday for the "family dinner" he called up and told DS the van was back and we could go out for dinner tonight. I did not want to go out to dinner tonight in the middle of a blizzard so I told older DS I did not think it was a good idea (plus, I will admit I was toast since I stayed up with three 10 year old boys until 2 a.m. last night--my bad-I let them have cherry cola with their pizza). Anyway, DS got mad at me and started to go ballistic. Then xah calls and says he can't come. He started to drive over and there were cars in the ditch everywhere. No sh**!! The state patrol asked people to not drive because-ah, yes, there is a blizzrd.
So DS was very upset and it escalated into this is all your fault. If you had not divorced Dad we would not have to meet at a restaurant for my birthday dinner. I let him rant for about 45 minutes and then he started to cry. So I held him while he cried and told me how sad he was because he did not get to see his Dad on his birthday. I just held him and told him I was sorry he was so sad. Then he started to cry and ask if all the family holidays are going to be like this. I just said I thought it would be sort of hard for this year but I did not know how it would be but that his Dad and I had made arrangements to do family things together. Then he started to cry about Christmas and that his Dad would not be there Christmas morning. Sigh. I knew that was going to be hard but I don't want the man in my house. He has bad mojo and I don't want it in my house.
BUT since xah was being half human on the phone with DS and was telling him that him not coming to the restaurant tonight was because of the weather and was not my fault and had nothing to do with the divorce-and because I was caught in a weak moment because DS was so sad I did something really dumb. After DS talked to his Dad I breached the subject of Christmas morning. He started in on me--you won't let me in your house. I reminded him why and then he started to go into his own rant that he still cried every night before he went to bed and every morning when he got up and even some times during the day because he did not want us to get a divorce. I told him he had a way to prevent the divorce and opted out (and I said this nicely because I am done with his trash mouth). He started to go into the pre and mid-divorce rant and I just calmly said. OK, not a good idea for you to come over Christmas morning and hung up. Then I kicked myself in the a** for being stupid enough to think he could put his stuff aside for an hour while the kids opened their presents.
So hopefully once we get through this first year (sort of like that first year after the death of someone you care about) this will get a little better. I do know one thing. I was right. He is not bringing his bad mojo into my house.
So DS was very upset and it escalated into this is all your fault. If you had not divorced Dad we would not have to meet at a restaurant for my birthday dinner. I let him rant for about 45 minutes and then he started to cry. So I held him while he cried and told me how sad he was because he did not get to see his Dad on his birthday. I just held him and told him I was sorry he was so sad. Then he started to cry and ask if all the family holidays are going to be like this. I just said I thought it would be sort of hard for this year but I did not know how it would be but that his Dad and I had made arrangements to do family things together. Then he started to cry about Christmas and that his Dad would not be there Christmas morning. Sigh. I knew that was going to be hard but I don't want the man in my house. He has bad mojo and I don't want it in my house.
BUT since xah was being half human on the phone with DS and was telling him that him not coming to the restaurant tonight was because of the weather and was not my fault and had nothing to do with the divorce-and because I was caught in a weak moment because DS was so sad I did something really dumb. After DS talked to his Dad I breached the subject of Christmas morning. He started in on me--you won't let me in your house. I reminded him why and then he started to go into his own rant that he still cried every night before he went to bed and every morning when he got up and even some times during the day because he did not want us to get a divorce. I told him he had a way to prevent the divorce and opted out (and I said this nicely because I am done with his trash mouth). He started to go into the pre and mid-divorce rant and I just calmly said. OK, not a good idea for you to come over Christmas morning and hung up. Then I kicked myself in the a** for being stupid enough to think he could put his stuff aside for an hour while the kids opened their presents.
So hopefully once we get through this first year (sort of like that first year after the death of someone you care about) this will get a little better. I do know one thing. I was right. He is not bringing his bad mojo into my house.
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(((hugs)))
It's not an easy road. My youngest asked, too, why we couldn't celebrate Christmas together. You're a better woman than I am for vowing to celebrate family holidays together. I won't. We'll split the kids' birthdays half-way through the day so we both get to see them those days, and we'll alternate other holidays.
But I understand the willingness to do whatever is in your might to alleviate the pain in your children. My children's pain and difficulty with this divorce is the absolutely worst part. I've said more than once that I'm glad I didn't know how awful it would be, because if I had known, I wouldn't have had the guts to leave.
And yet, I did what I had to do, and I don't regret it for a second.
And it will get better. It will get easier. Not this year, maybe not even next year, but I think there will come a time when we'll be able to coexist in the same room without ugliness.
I just really feel for you tonight. And your boy.
It's not an easy road. My youngest asked, too, why we couldn't celebrate Christmas together. You're a better woman than I am for vowing to celebrate family holidays together. I won't. We'll split the kids' birthdays half-way through the day so we both get to see them those days, and we'll alternate other holidays.
But I understand the willingness to do whatever is in your might to alleviate the pain in your children. My children's pain and difficulty with this divorce is the absolutely worst part. I've said more than once that I'm glad I didn't know how awful it would be, because if I had known, I wouldn't have had the guts to leave.
And yet, I did what I had to do, and I don't regret it for a second.
And it will get better. It will get easier. Not this year, maybe not even next year, but I think there will come a time when we'll be able to coexist in the same room without ugliness.
I just really feel for you tonight. And your boy.
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Oh, hugs, hugs, hugs, HoopNinja. For you and your kids. You did amazing. Amazing and so good with your kids.
It's so hard. So hard. And it hurts so much when DS tells me that it's my fault that Daddy isn't living with us any more. It's so hard to just tell him I know it hurts that his daddy isn't around and he has every reason to be mad and hurt and he can tell me when he's mad and hurt. And NOT tell him the whole truth about the reasons. He doesn't need to know why. He just needs to know I understand that it sucks and that I'm here for him.
XAH also blame-shifted on the divorce and separation. It was all me. No admission that anything that went on might have been his responsibility. No admission that he didn't do any of the steps that might have even led me to believe he was serious about changing or saving his family.
There is no way I could have XAH in my house for any length of time. I'm not even comfortable with him being on the deck. Not yet. Maybe never. Well, m a y b e if I get a really, really big dog who is fiercely protective of her family and who is trained in a language XAH doesn't know.... Hmmmm.... Maybe an Irish Wolfhound.... Oh, sorry. Back to the topic at hand.
It's going to be different this year that is for sure. Different. Not worse, not better, different. We'll be able to have Christmas music on and I'll be able to sing along and get DS to sing too and maybe do his happy-dance. There will be times when DS wishes his daddy was there to show him what he got. There will be times I wish his daddy was the kind of man that could be here with us, too. So, different.
Don't forget to take time for yourself, HoopNinja. I hope you have a restful evening.
It's so hard. So hard. And it hurts so much when DS tells me that it's my fault that Daddy isn't living with us any more. It's so hard to just tell him I know it hurts that his daddy isn't around and he has every reason to be mad and hurt and he can tell me when he's mad and hurt. And NOT tell him the whole truth about the reasons. He doesn't need to know why. He just needs to know I understand that it sucks and that I'm here for him.
XAH also blame-shifted on the divorce and separation. It was all me. No admission that anything that went on might have been his responsibility. No admission that he didn't do any of the steps that might have even led me to believe he was serious about changing or saving his family.
There is no way I could have XAH in my house for any length of time. I'm not even comfortable with him being on the deck. Not yet. Maybe never. Well, m a y b e if I get a really, really big dog who is fiercely protective of her family and who is trained in a language XAH doesn't know.... Hmmmm.... Maybe an Irish Wolfhound.... Oh, sorry. Back to the topic at hand.
It's going to be different this year that is for sure. Different. Not worse, not better, different. We'll be able to have Christmas music on and I'll be able to sing along and get DS to sing too and maybe do his happy-dance. There will be times when DS wishes his daddy was there to show him what he got. There will be times I wish his daddy was the kind of man that could be here with us, too. So, different.
Don't forget to take time for yourself, HoopNinja. I hope you have a restful evening.
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lillamy sometimes it takes a lot of teeth gritting--especially when he puts on his Daddy of the Year face. I just keep saying to myself--take the high road but take no cr*p.
uncertainty--I think you are onto something with the large dog. I have one but he knows xah so that won't work
The first time I decided xah would not come into the house was when he brought the kids home and actually asked if he could come in and see my house (again, teeth gritted--no I don't think that is a good idea). Then he got in his van and started screaming obscenities at me. Yep, one month in the new house in a new neighborhood. Kids outside. New neighbors outside and he is going batsh** in my driveway. I kept saying the same thing over and over in a calm voice-leave or I will call the police. I texted him an hour later that he was not even welcome in the driveway anymore and that he could drop the kids at the curb. He of course told me I was a rotten mother to have the kids get out of the car into the street. I reminded him he has 2 doors on the van and one opens to the curb. . .
The twisting of the truth and blame shifting.
DS calmed down and was very apologetic. He told me he knew why I left his dad. I told him I understood that it was sad for him not to see his Dad today. He had a couple more tears and some hugs and went to bed. By the time he said his prayers he was laughing again.
I knew how hard it was going to be for my kids because of their attachment disorder. That is why it took me 3 years to leave. Time when we normally would have been together as a family is tough. Older DS sometimes forgets that his dad would drink himself into a loud obnoxius drunk. Perhaps that is best. No one wants to remember a time that was supposed to be fun being ruined by a drunk father. Younger DS does not really understand-which is just as well.
He does not appear to be drinking when he has the kids so in some ways the divorce has made him a better father. He is just still the same jerk when it comes to having any discussion with me that threatens his ability to lie to himself. I am surprised he did not start his usual "You're evil" rant. Perhaps I hung up in time to miss it.
uncertainty--I think you are onto something with the large dog. I have one but he knows xah so that won't work
The first time I decided xah would not come into the house was when he brought the kids home and actually asked if he could come in and see my house (again, teeth gritted--no I don't think that is a good idea). Then he got in his van and started screaming obscenities at me. Yep, one month in the new house in a new neighborhood. Kids outside. New neighbors outside and he is going batsh** in my driveway. I kept saying the same thing over and over in a calm voice-leave or I will call the police. I texted him an hour later that he was not even welcome in the driveway anymore and that he could drop the kids at the curb. He of course told me I was a rotten mother to have the kids get out of the car into the street. I reminded him he has 2 doors on the van and one opens to the curb. . . The twisting of the truth and blame shifting.
DS calmed down and was very apologetic. He told me he knew why I left his dad. I told him I understood that it was sad for him not to see his Dad today. He had a couple more tears and some hugs and went to bed. By the time he said his prayers he was laughing again.
I knew how hard it was going to be for my kids because of their attachment disorder. That is why it took me 3 years to leave. Time when we normally would have been together as a family is tough. Older DS sometimes forgets that his dad would drink himself into a loud obnoxius drunk. Perhaps that is best. No one wants to remember a time that was supposed to be fun being ruined by a drunk father. Younger DS does not really understand-which is just as well.
He does not appear to be drinking when he has the kids so in some ways the divorce has made him a better father. He is just still the same jerk when it comes to having any discussion with me that threatens his ability to lie to himself. I am surprised he did not start his usual "You're evil" rant. Perhaps I hung up in time to miss it.
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Sorry. My Sister in Law has to deal with...
...the same crap from her Alcoholic Baby Daddy. Last night he forced his son to phone his stepfather and call him a slur questioning his sexuality. What a winner.
Having said that, and you probably already know this, there are a ton of alcoholics and recovering alcoholics who are nice to their ex-wives and children, even when drunk. I know this. I see it regularly.
This a$$hole behavior on his part cannot be excused by alcoholism. There may be a relationship, but it's another issue altogether. In what world is it appropriate to speak to anybody in the way he speaks to you, especially in front of your children? As far as I'm concerned it's a form of abuse towards you, and a form of child abuse as well.
Have you considered documenting this behavior in the event you ever need to involve the authorities or a lawyer? I'd highly recommned that you do so. the more evidence the better (consider it his "body of work") Save and file (date if necessary) every text, voicemail, and email, keep a written journal of the events and, if you can, record the "screaming at you from the car" events as well (even if it's just on your cell phone which you can do surrepticiously especially if it has a voice record feature like most handsets, all BlackBerries, iPhones, and Android devices.
Take care.
Cyranoak
Having said that, and you probably already know this, there are a ton of alcoholics and recovering alcoholics who are nice to their ex-wives and children, even when drunk. I know this. I see it regularly.
This a$$hole behavior on his part cannot be excused by alcoholism. There may be a relationship, but it's another issue altogether. In what world is it appropriate to speak to anybody in the way he speaks to you, especially in front of your children? As far as I'm concerned it's a form of abuse towards you, and a form of child abuse as well.
Have you considered documenting this behavior in the event you ever need to involve the authorities or a lawyer? I'd highly recommned that you do so. the more evidence the better (consider it his "body of work") Save and file (date if necessary) every text, voicemail, and email, keep a written journal of the events and, if you can, record the "screaming at you from the car" events as well (even if it's just on your cell phone which you can do surrepticiously especially if it has a voice record feature like most handsets, all BlackBerries, iPhones, and Android devices.
Take care.
Cyranoak
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I know I should document his behavior--just need to make it a priority. On the other hand. . .it made abusolutely no difference in the divorce. His atrocious (or as a friend of mine calls is a**trocious) behavior did not make a difference.
Really the only reason he is crying is because he lost his codie who provided him with a nice comfortable lifestyle.
Really the only reason he is crying is because he lost his codie who provided him with a nice comfortable lifestyle.
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Fair enough. You may never need the documentation, but if things escalate or get worse you'll have evidence, rather than he said, she said. I've known women who have not had that information when they needed it, so I always throw that out there when I read posts like yours. It is documentation that can demonstrate of a pattern of behavior over a period of time, and that is typically very helpful in post-divorce legal situations. Per the audio and or/video recordings, depending on the state you are in they may or may not be illegal or usable in court.
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My state is one party consent. So I can tape him since I would be the consenting party. OK, now I need to look at my BloackBerry and see how to record. I have a digital recorder but I rarely have it on me. I do have all the emails he has sent me. I need to forward the ones he sent me at work to my home email address. That way they will all be in one place.
I am just so stinkin' disorganized these days. My house drives me crazy because I have not had time to put everything away. What I really think the problem is--I need to get rid of about 50% of the stuff in there. I think I just keep moving one pile from one room to another.
I am just so stinkin' disorganized these days. My house drives me crazy because I have not had time to put everything away. What I really think the problem is--I need to get rid of about 50% of the stuff in there. I think I just keep moving one pile from one room to another.
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