Back in Alanon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Back in Alanon
Hello SR...
I finally got up in time to make my Alanon meeting. Yippee. Its been months and it was so good to see everyone.
I was thinking of something earlier. I remember how although I was terribly unhappy in my marriage, I was happier in a sense. I am trying to explain this correctly but I felt more secure of myself. I was more outgoing. It was almost like just having him here, even though he made me miserable, I was happier within myself. Because I had my plus one. Am I really that insecure and needy? I admit I am lonely living alone and all my friends are married so its been hard to enjoy my life. But is it the fear that I wont find anyone else again?
I am still having some difficulty letting go of the boy that was mean to me a couple of weeks ago. I am ashamed to admit this. I dont know why I am holding on. Logically, I want nothing to do with someone so immature and that would be so mean to me but emotionally, I think about him often. More than I care to admit. This morning I woke up and said I want to change my thinking about my neediness. I want to be content within myself and not feel I need a man. The thing is I know I can take care of myself and I am fiercly independent but I dont want to be anymore. I want to share my life with someone.
Ok. This one was a big one for me to admit. I am needy for a guy and I feel pretty sh*tty about this. The reason I wanted to say it in a public forum is because I am tired of feeling that way and dont know how to stop. Maybe this is my codependency in full swing.
Maybe now that I am back in Alanon, I should consider getting a therapist to get this junk out of me.
Did anyone go through this? Am I the odd one out? I really want to stop thinking of this past guy. He hurt me and I promised myself I wouldnt ever let that happen so I know I need to walk away and I did. It just stinks and hurts. How does one fully let go of someone? I should know this. I left my EAH and divorced him.
Lulu
I finally got up in time to make my Alanon meeting. Yippee. Its been months and it was so good to see everyone.
I was thinking of something earlier. I remember how although I was terribly unhappy in my marriage, I was happier in a sense. I am trying to explain this correctly but I felt more secure of myself. I was more outgoing. It was almost like just having him here, even though he made me miserable, I was happier within myself. Because I had my plus one. Am I really that insecure and needy? I admit I am lonely living alone and all my friends are married so its been hard to enjoy my life. But is it the fear that I wont find anyone else again?
I am still having some difficulty letting go of the boy that was mean to me a couple of weeks ago. I am ashamed to admit this. I dont know why I am holding on. Logically, I want nothing to do with someone so immature and that would be so mean to me but emotionally, I think about him often. More than I care to admit. This morning I woke up and said I want to change my thinking about my neediness. I want to be content within myself and not feel I need a man. The thing is I know I can take care of myself and I am fiercly independent but I dont want to be anymore. I want to share my life with someone.
Ok. This one was a big one for me to admit. I am needy for a guy and I feel pretty sh*tty about this. The reason I wanted to say it in a public forum is because I am tired of feeling that way and dont know how to stop. Maybe this is my codependency in full swing.
Maybe now that I am back in Alanon, I should consider getting a therapist to get this junk out of me.
Did anyone go through this? Am I the odd one out? I really want to stop thinking of this past guy. He hurt me and I promised myself I wouldnt ever let that happen so I know I need to walk away and I did. It just stinks and hurts. How does one fully let go of someone? I should know this. I left my EAH and divorced him.
Lulu
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I believe it is completely natural to want to spend life with someone special.
I only really get concerned when I lower my standards about who I spend my time with.
There were alot of things about being single that I came to absolutley LOVE, but I was used to being married and it took me a long time to hit my stride again. It is a recuperative process.
It is disappointing that the guy turned out to be a jerk. You know you don't want that..and that it had caught you by surprise. I don't think it odd that you would ponder it at times. and be disappointed by the experience.
I only really get concerned when I lower my standards about who I spend my time with.
There were alot of things about being single that I came to absolutley LOVE, but I was used to being married and it took me a long time to hit my stride again. It is a recuperative process.
It is disappointing that the guy turned out to be a jerk. You know you don't want that..and that it had caught you by surprise. I don't think it odd that you would ponder it at times. and be disappointed by the experience.
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
Lulu,To laugh is to risk appearing the fool...... To weep is to risk appearing sentimental...... To reach out for another is to risk involvement...... To expose feeling is to risk exposing your true self...... To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss...... To love is to risk not being loved in return...... To live is to risk dying...... To hope is to risk despair......
To try is to risk failure...... But the risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing...... The person who risks nothing, does nothing,...... has nothing and is nothing...... He may avoid suffering and sorrow but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live...... Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave; he has forfeited freedom......ONLY A PERSON WHO RISKS—-IS FREE!
Phoenix
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by Live 
I believe it is completely natural to want to spend life with someone special.
I only really get concerned when I lower my standards about who I spend my time with.
There were alot of things about being single that I came to absolutley LOVE, but I was used to being married and it took me a long time to hit my stride again. It is a recuperative process.
It is disappointing that the guy turned out to be a jerk. You know you don't want that..and that it had caught you by surprise. I don't think it odd that you would ponder it at times. and be disappointed by the experience.
I only really get concerned when I lower my standards about who I spend my time with.
There were alot of things about being single that I came to absolutley LOVE, but I was used to being married and it took me a long time to hit my stride again. It is a recuperative process.
It is disappointing that the guy turned out to be a jerk. You know you don't want that..and that it had caught you by surprise. I don't think it odd that you would ponder it at times. and be disappointed by the experience.
I wish I was stronger. I cant believe I am letting a guy affect me like this. I am starting my new job tomorrow and I should be concentrating on the good things in life!
Thanks again Live...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
girl, you have been through a virtual whirlwind lately! I would wonder if you were really human if you were able to dismiss it all so quickly and easily!
this will pass. it really, really will. and what he said good, bad and indifferent will cease to matter as you grow more comfortable in your new life, meet new people in your new job and develop a social life that is based on who you are now rather than when you were going through all the difficult transitions.
One day you will just suddenly recall that you haven't thought to even concern yourself with any of it for awhile. and that will surprise you too.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
this will pass. it really, really will. and what he said good, bad and indifferent will cease to matter as you grow more comfortable in your new life, meet new people in your new job and develop a social life that is based on who you are now rather than when you were going through all the difficult transitions.
One day you will just suddenly recall that you haven't thought to even concern yourself with any of it for awhile. and that will surprise you too.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I think living with an A does a number on your self-image. No, I know it does. For me, I lost friends, and my sister couldn't even talk to me because it hurt her so much to see how I changed, became dependent upon a man who treated me like cr*p.
I think it's normal to wonder "will anyone ever be able to love me?" when you come out of a relationship like that. Because you don't really love yourself. It takes time to replace "his" image of you with your own knowledge of who you really are. And that's how your confidence gets built up again, from within.
I think it's also very normal to want a new relationship, asap, to convince yourself that even if your self-image has you very, very small, look, here's a man who can love you!
And lastly, yes, like Live says, most of us are wired so that we want to be special to someone special, want to be in a close, good, solid, comfortable relationship.
I swore (long before I left my X) that I would remain single for life if I didn't meet a man that I felt at home with: Someone that made me feel like I didn't have to change a single thing to impress him, didn't have to dress up for or lose weight for or laugh at his non-funny jokes for. I knew that's what I wanted. That I was done settling. And yet -- the worry was there: Was I going to be single for life?
My daughter (who's 11) said something to me that helped me more than any therapist has: She said, "I'm not part of the in-crowd at school, and it hurts me to be on the outside. But if I have to change to get to be with the in-crowd, then it's not really me being there anyway, so then I might as well not. I'd rather be myself and feel lonely than have to lie about who I am to get people to like me."
And I thought, "exactly -- that's it. I'd rather be by myself and feel lonely than to have to lie about who I am to get a man to think he loves me." I'd rather be by myself than accept less than a good relationship. I've done bad relationships -- more than one -- and I'm thinking at my age, I'm ready to try something new.
I think it's normal to wonder "will anyone ever be able to love me?" when you come out of a relationship like that. Because you don't really love yourself. It takes time to replace "his" image of you with your own knowledge of who you really are. And that's how your confidence gets built up again, from within.
I think it's also very normal to want a new relationship, asap, to convince yourself that even if your self-image has you very, very small, look, here's a man who can love you!
And lastly, yes, like Live says, most of us are wired so that we want to be special to someone special, want to be in a close, good, solid, comfortable relationship.
I swore (long before I left my X) that I would remain single for life if I didn't meet a man that I felt at home with: Someone that made me feel like I didn't have to change a single thing to impress him, didn't have to dress up for or lose weight for or laugh at his non-funny jokes for. I knew that's what I wanted. That I was done settling. And yet -- the worry was there: Was I going to be single for life?
My daughter (who's 11) said something to me that helped me more than any therapist has: She said, "I'm not part of the in-crowd at school, and it hurts me to be on the outside. But if I have to change to get to be with the in-crowd, then it's not really me being there anyway, so then I might as well not. I'd rather be myself and feel lonely than have to lie about who I am to get people to like me."
And I thought, "exactly -- that's it. I'd rather be by myself and feel lonely than to have to lie about who I am to get a man to think he loves me." I'd rather be by myself than accept less than a good relationship. I've done bad relationships -- more than one -- and I'm thinking at my age, I'm ready to try something new.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by Live
I believe it is completely natural to want to spend life with someone special.
I only really get concerned when I lower my standards about who I spend my time with.
I only really get concerned when I lower my standards about who I spend my time with.
Originally Posted by lillamy
I'd rather be by myself than accept less than a good relationship. I've done bad relationships -- more than one -- and I'm thinking at my age, I'm ready to try something new.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
SO many things I want to say. I have been divorced almost 2 years and had a relationship with a man who turned abusive in the the end, and felt like it was ME who hurt HIM and was so judgmental. And I got so "stuck" on this unworthy person... I felt addicted. It was horrible.
I am in the process of a painful breakup now with a wonderful, caring man who I believe is an alcoholic. I am so sad but I know that I can't do this to my kids (and MYSELF). I read your post and I see myself, I too am independent but also addicted to love. I need to get myself back to al-anon.
I am praying to my HP to help me keep the focus on myself and not get "stuck" in a bad cycle. I hope you can find some peace for yourself.
I am in the process of a painful breakup now with a wonderful, caring man who I believe is an alcoholic. I am so sad but I know that I can't do this to my kids (and MYSELF). I read your post and I see myself, I too am independent but also addicted to love. I need to get myself back to al-anon.
I am praying to my HP to help me keep the focus on myself and not get "stuck" in a bad cycle. I hope you can find some peace for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi Lulu,
I so appreciate your post, and the responses of the amazing people on this board. What a gift! Thank you for that.
I understand what you're talking about, too. I've found myself in that place of wanting a relationship with a bit of desperation attached to it. Know what my fastest cure is? Pulling out that list of "What I don't miss about my ExA" and reading through it. Ugh. It's awful. It reminds me of what my own desperation feels like at a deeper level, the stuff that kept me quiet and willing to live with crappy treatment. That list brings it up consciously and **POOF!** No more desperation for a relationship.
I do want to be in a relationship again someday, and I'm surrounding myself with people who reinforce what's positive and healthy about me. It will be part of my life's work, and Alanon will also be a part of my life for the rest of my days. I forget the basics sometimes, and I start to feel those early life messages, the ones that I don't want to live from anymore. I remind myself that I am the best company I can keep, and me opening my life, my heart, my home to someone is a gift to them. If they don't get that then they're not bringing the kind of energy I want and I'm not sticking around to try to convince them otherwise.
At least, that's what I'm trying to do. Progress, not perfection.
Big hugs, you're doing great.
posie
I so appreciate your post, and the responses of the amazing people on this board. What a gift! Thank you for that.
I understand what you're talking about, too. I've found myself in that place of wanting a relationship with a bit of desperation attached to it. Know what my fastest cure is? Pulling out that list of "What I don't miss about my ExA" and reading through it. Ugh. It's awful. It reminds me of what my own desperation feels like at a deeper level, the stuff that kept me quiet and willing to live with crappy treatment. That list brings it up consciously and **POOF!** No more desperation for a relationship.
I do want to be in a relationship again someday, and I'm surrounding myself with people who reinforce what's positive and healthy about me. It will be part of my life's work, and Alanon will also be a part of my life for the rest of my days. I forget the basics sometimes, and I start to feel those early life messages, the ones that I don't want to live from anymore. I remind myself that I am the best company I can keep, and me opening my life, my heart, my home to someone is a gift to them. If they don't get that then they're not bringing the kind of energy I want and I'm not sticking around to try to convince them otherwise.
At least, that's what I'm trying to do. Progress, not perfection.
Big hugs, you're doing great.
posie
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
I am thinking that when we make the decision to leave a bad situation, we are doing it to embrace new choices and hopefully a better life. The disappointing part of it all is that there was a reason(or many) that got us to this point and it takes time to heal and/or shift our thoughts, wishes, and emotions.
There is a reordering of your routines, your plans, (your decor style) and relationships. I like to think of it as a time to put into play the outcome of the shift within us.
As far as getting used to being alone and/or wanting another partner - it has been suggested to me that I seek therapy. Been there, done that one and what I learned is that I just want a family, friend or partner to talk to about my day - share my joys and my cr** days - someone to shop with or have lunch with. Sometimes we need therapy, and some times we need a close friend.
There is a reordering of your routines, your plans, (your decor style) and relationships. I like to think of it as a time to put into play the outcome of the shift within us.
As far as getting used to being alone and/or wanting another partner - it has been suggested to me that I seek therapy. Been there, done that one and what I learned is that I just want a family, friend or partner to talk to about my day - share my joys and my cr** days - someone to shop with or have lunch with. Sometimes we need therapy, and some times we need a close friend.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
My daughter (who's 11) said something to me that helped me more than any therapist has: She said, "I'm not part of the in-crowd at school, and it hurts me to be on the outside. But if I have to change to get to be with the in-crowd, then it's not really me being there anyway, so then I might as well not. I'd rather be myself and feel lonely than have to lie about who I am to get people to like me."
That is one wise young lady!
I can identify with a lot of things that have been said in this thread. I don't know how to explain where I am but I'll try. My divorce was final last Jan. I simply had to remove myself from the insanity. At first I wished he would get sober so that I didn't have to go through with the divorce. Then it was I wish he would get sober so we could get back together. Now I wish he would get sober so he can live a long and happy life but I no longer want to be an intimate part of it. I love him for the good times we had but I'm not "in love" with him. And that, my friends, is a gift from my HP.
That is one wise young lady!
I can identify with a lot of things that have been said in this thread. I don't know how to explain where I am but I'll try. My divorce was final last Jan. I simply had to remove myself from the insanity. At first I wished he would get sober so that I didn't have to go through with the divorce. Then it was I wish he would get sober so we could get back together. Now I wish he would get sober so he can live a long and happy life but I no longer want to be an intimate part of it. I love him for the good times we had but I'm not "in love" with him. And that, my friends, is a gift from my HP.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi lulu, only in therapy do I have hopes for breaking my patterns. Its taking a while for me to understand how deeply engrained the patterns are (many times unconsciously). I am just starting to realize the depth of my loneliness, abandonment and hurt. ANY move I do now romantic-relationship-wise is going to be a failure as I am not even near to becoming a whole person myself. I hope you keep reading about codependency and working on yourself. I am also just learning about how codependency has kept me in a cage and has caused me and others, much suffering (just like alcoholism). All this process is tiring but I prefer this than getting any guy and keep dragging my depressed self through life. What I really want is to LIVE and enjoy the present moment, and forgive myself. I am now realizing this will take years. Another thing for me is to learn to make male FRIENDS and invest on my current male FRIENDS. And get to know them and look for the nice ones so I can start unlearning males abandon you, betray you, don't give a damn about you and have all the fun - I need start learning there are males that are really excellent people with HUGE hearts, invest in their spirituality, etc etc. In short, its a process......
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