SashaMB

Hi Everyone,

I will be going home for Christmas without AH (we have been separated for 2 months) this year. My parents know the specifics of the situation, but my extended fam (grandparents, aunt and uncle) only know the Reader's Digest version. On Thanksgiving, I talked to my grandma and aunt on the phone, and they were full of very specific nosy questions, like when was the last time I talked to AH and what did he say? Because those were brief conversations, I just sidestepped the questions.

However, I will be spending a day with my extended fam for Christmas, so I need a better plan than with a short phone call. I have absolutely NO desire to discuss the situation with them. I know they love me, but I do not want their advice, input, or clucking of tongues, however well-meaning it may be. I have a couple of people that I have confided in about the details with AH (my mom and my best friend), but other than that, I am not a big sharer. I know that my relatives will have no problem asking numerous direct, super personal questions, and I just don't want to go there. Any advice on how to combat the extend-o family interrogation?

I am grateful to have a holiday with my family without the stress of having to deal with AH. But spending the whole day talking about AH is not exactly the stress-free that I'm looking forward to. This is such a weird Christmas, because I'm looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time.

Thanks!

suki44883

Maybe something like...Hey, it's Christmas and I don't feel like talking about these things during the holiday season. Then, change the subject. If you keep refusing to discuss your private matters with them, eventually, they'll get the message and stop asking. (Hopefully)

lillamy

My standard answer is straight out of an old Dear Abby column: "If you forgive me for not answering, I'll forgive you for asking."

I will say, however, that part of my healing and recovery process has been to stop feeling like I need to protect the X -- and honestly, that was the main reason I didn't want to talk about it in the past. Now, I just say, "Last I heard, he was sober and working on his recovery, but that's really his story, not mine. How are you doing?" and leaving it at that.

Phoenixthebird

Sasha, what's wrong with telling the truth?! You could say something like your pain is still to fresh......or it's to painful......or it's to emotional draining for you to talk about. Thank them for their concern, but for right now you don't want to discuss it. Tell them that you hope they will respect your right to your own personal thoughts, and then move on to "How's the weather"? Maybe you can let your extended family know ahead of the Holidays how you feel, by Christmas cards, letters, emails, or telephone calls, etc. Doing this before Christmas may help you avoid situations that you are fearing. I have found out that “Honesty is the best policy. If I lose mine honor, I lose myself.”

After the death of my daughter I had to "emotionally compartmentalization" my grief in order to just function at work and my daily tasks. "Emotional compartmentalization" is an emotional coping technique or defense mechanism that most of us use in certain situations to one degree or another at some point in our lives. It involves consciously or subconsciously suppressing or "compartmentalizing" or "sectioning off" upsetting thoughts and emotions in order to "get by".

Phoenix

tjp613

"I'd rather not discuss it. I'm sure you understand."

or my personal favorite: "Why do you ask?" (In other words, it's NOYB!!!)