a little advice
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
a little advice
would just like your advice on this one as dont know what to do the XA has told me yesterday his mums died and i dunno whether to believe this cos im personally 50-50 and would like to know if anyone else has experienced this cos he is an accomplished manipulator and im just wondering if this is more of the same cos u see the codie in me wants to step in and do what we do take care of things but as i dunno even if this is true as i dont live anywhere near to him what would your advice be on this one even i dont know if hes capable of lying about something like this to get me back cos i do hes been trying all sorts to get me to communicate with him so your thoughts on this one please xxx
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
kia, I'm NOT going to give you any advice about your relationship between you and your boyfriend. I have read your previous posts and have a good idea of who he is and is not! You need to answer your own questions about him!
In order to answer your question you need to consider: Who Are You and How Do You Make Decisions?
First, in order to make a good decision you must be in good physical and mental condition. If somebody is not in good physical shape, they wouldn't expect to be able to run a marathon without proper training. This idea carries over to all areas of human functioning, including thinking, creativity and how people make decisions.
Second, you need to know how to establish a sense of yourself that is whole and complete. Only then can you make a good decision!
Third is the search for the best decision to your question.
Fourth forming the correct question that you are searching an answer for. There is only ever one question to answer in the decision making process. If I do x, will it be in my own best interest, and allow me to be who I am.
It sounds simple, and it is. Because of the way the question is asked the answer will be yes or no. These signals of this decision process are unique and distinct for each individual.
If it's a 'Yes', then go ahead. If it's a 'No', then don't do it!
Sometimes the answer may be "I don't know". In this case, the most useful thing is simply to wait and gather more information. This is not the same as being indecisive. It can simply mean that you don't have enough data. Time spent gathering the information will be time well spent. Then it becomes obvious whether the answer should be yes or no.
This decision making process uses elements of a rational approach as well as those of an intuitive approach. The universal and the most important consequence to using this particular approach is that you get to live your own life! Whenever you use this decision making process, you are guaranteed that each choice you make will allow you to be who you most want to be in the world so that you can live your own life.
This is my own personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest!
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
In order to answer your question you need to consider: Who Are You and How Do You Make Decisions?
First, in order to make a good decision you must be in good physical and mental condition. If somebody is not in good physical shape, they wouldn't expect to be able to run a marathon without proper training. This idea carries over to all areas of human functioning, including thinking, creativity and how people make decisions.
Second, you need to know how to establish a sense of yourself that is whole and complete. Only then can you make a good decision!
Third is the search for the best decision to your question.
Fourth forming the correct question that you are searching an answer for. There is only ever one question to answer in the decision making process. If I do x, will it be in my own best interest, and allow me to be who I am.
It sounds simple, and it is. Because of the way the question is asked the answer will be yes or no. These signals of this decision process are unique and distinct for each individual.
If it's a 'Yes', then go ahead. If it's a 'No', then don't do it!
Sometimes the answer may be "I don't know". In this case, the most useful thing is simply to wait and gather more information. This is not the same as being indecisive. It can simply mean that you don't have enough data. Time spent gathering the information will be time well spent. Then it becomes obvious whether the answer should be yes or no.
This decision making process uses elements of a rational approach as well as those of an intuitive approach. The universal and the most important consequence to using this particular approach is that you get to live your own life! Whenever you use this decision making process, you are guaranteed that each choice you make will allow you to be who you most want to be in the world so that you can live your own life.
This is my own personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest!
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
It could be manipulation, it may be true. It doesn't really matter though does it? He still locked you outside in your nightwear, he still accused you of having an affair with the woman next door, he still wouldn't leave the bedroom when you asked him, he still dumped you for someone younger and contracted STD's from her.
It sounds like some sort of game to him, what can he say next to get you to speak to him, how desperate does he have to make the story before you bite?
If his mother has passed then that is very sad but really nothing to do with you. Why do you feel you need to take care of things? Did he take care of you when your father died or your dog? Go back and read your old posts...I'm pretty sure he made those events all about him didn't he?
If I was in your shoes I would completely ignore him. That's just me though, I'm a little hardened when it comes to manipulation and as my ex did it so many times I'd be hard pushed to believe anything he said.
It sounds like some sort of game to him, what can he say next to get you to speak to him, how desperate does he have to make the story before you bite?
If his mother has passed then that is very sad but really nothing to do with you. Why do you feel you need to take care of things? Did he take care of you when your father died or your dog? Go back and read your old posts...I'm pretty sure he made those events all about him didn't he?
If I was in your shoes I would completely ignore him. That's just me though, I'm a little hardened when it comes to manipulation and as my ex did it so many times I'd be hard pushed to believe anything he said.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Kia, what a tough one...
I could share a few examples of what I did and ideas to think about.
To contrast an Aspouse from a non A spouse - when my first ex's mother and father died - he called me - we talked some and together made arrangements for the kids to be with his family. It was amicable. I did not go to either funeral because they each lived on the other side of the country. We talked a few times afterwards to recall the past.
If my current MIL died I don't know if he would tell me, if I would be allowed to attend the funeral etc. I would probably follow his lead if he asked. But I do remember while separated he was ended up in the hospital. The ER SW called me to come for him and then put me on the phone - he began cursing me out so I told the SW to figure out what to do with him without me. When I had emergency surgery he went back and forth on whether to be there for me - ended up being there but drunk and argumentative. Don't expect him to be there for me. I recognize his limitations.
With my mother (who was addicted to pills) I often debated about being there for her despite how awful she treated me and wasn't there for me growing up. The way I made decisions was to look at the circumstances, my role in being there, my ability to be there vs other responsbilities, and finally I had to remind myself that it was her choices and behavior that pushed people away - not mine. I saw myself as more of a rescuer and had to evaluate my ability to do so or ask myself why I wanted to and deal with me.
I could share a few examples of what I did and ideas to think about.
To contrast an Aspouse from a non A spouse - when my first ex's mother and father died - he called me - we talked some and together made arrangements for the kids to be with his family. It was amicable. I did not go to either funeral because they each lived on the other side of the country. We talked a few times afterwards to recall the past.
If my current MIL died I don't know if he would tell me, if I would be allowed to attend the funeral etc. I would probably follow his lead if he asked. But I do remember while separated he was ended up in the hospital. The ER SW called me to come for him and then put me on the phone - he began cursing me out so I told the SW to figure out what to do with him without me. When I had emergency surgery he went back and forth on whether to be there for me - ended up being there but drunk and argumentative. Don't expect him to be there for me. I recognize his limitations.
With my mother (who was addicted to pills) I often debated about being there for her despite how awful she treated me and wasn't there for me growing up. The way I made decisions was to look at the circumstances, my role in being there, my ability to be there vs other responsbilities, and finally I had to remind myself that it was her choices and behavior that pushed people away - not mine. I saw myself as more of a rescuer and had to evaluate my ability to do so or ask myself why I wanted to and deal with me.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
yep your all right and i have found something out now dunno if ive read it right but he goes on a gaming site quite a bit and i logged in today to see if he was cos really its not the one thing u would be doing if it were true playing on games and yep he was on there from what i could work out so yep think its as someone said he was seeing what i would bite at trying everything and anything to see if i bite well i sent him an email and phone call to say im sorry for his loss as i would do with any of my friends and said if theres anything i could do to help but didnt answer the calls or the emails prob pretending hes gone over to ireland to sort out the funeral ive also asked one of his mates to pop round and see hes ok so far as im concerned ive done all i need to do as someone else pointed out he didnt come running when my dad died in feb in fact he made my life hell then and when my dog was put down as pointed out was all about him and not about me so right again on that one.
Well i can look myself in the mirror if it is true and know ive done all i had to do him been an ex now go back to living my life again and right now its going much smoother withouth him in it thanks for all the answers though have taken them all in going to bed now as had very late night last night xxx
Well i can look myself in the mirror if it is true and know ive done all i had to do him been an ex now go back to living my life again and right now its going much smoother withouth him in it thanks for all the answers though have taken them all in going to bed now as had very late night last night xxx
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small steps eh and something someone said at al anon helped she said every time i think of him put him in your mind in a place he likes to be in a place away from me and everytime i think of him keep doing it and in time it will get easier cos have gone a bit today without thinking about him or worrying and it did feel good picking out the lie cos i did find out for definate off one of his very young friends that hes admitted that he dont know if she is dead or not so told this friend to tell him is bang out of order to say that when its not true to get me to come back and that he will walk on hot coals the 100s miles there is between us to get me back and to kiss my a** as i walk out the door which i thought was inspired and was proud of myself.
I did however back slide slightly by emailing him to tell him what a low life he is to make something like that told him he was a pathetic loser for doing that and i know maybe shouldnt of but there u go i was just annoyed i had fell for the lies yet again i suppose i need to go easy on myself though as i can only take small steps addiction aint so easy to break xxxx
I did however back slide slightly by emailing him to tell him what a low life he is to make something like that told him he was a pathetic loser for doing that and i know maybe shouldnt of but there u go i was just annoyed i had fell for the lies yet again i suppose i need to go easy on myself though as i can only take small steps addiction aint so easy to break xxxx
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Progress not perfection. Once you start feeling more at ease and realize you don't need him at ALL for anything useful and healthy in your life, it will get much easier and you will go downhill from there 
when the obsession comes I also imagine the XABF drinking in the same bar as usual and I imagine people around him just watching him unable to do anything about it. That way I can move on with my day. Also XABF's mom died years ago and he started using then unable to deal with his pain, and also kept making that excuse to be the abusive manipulator he is looking for people sick enough to go "aww poor him! how much he has suffered!" and let him drink as hell, be cruel, insult, drive drunk and say he doesn't know how he arrived home proudly as if it was some kind of medal, etc. etc.
As I said there is nothing useful or healthy there.
when the obsession comes I also imagine the XABF drinking in the same bar as usual and I imagine people around him just watching him unable to do anything about it. That way I can move on with my day. Also XABF's mom died years ago and he started using then unable to deal with his pain, and also kept making that excuse to be the abusive manipulator he is looking for people sick enough to go "aww poor him! how much he has suffered!" and let him drink as hell, be cruel, insult, drive drunk and say he doesn't know how he arrived home proudly as if it was some kind of medal, etc. etc.As I said there is nothing useful or healthy there.
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nope thats all true well another day and havent contacted at all and had another meeting last night was a useful for me subject was on surrendering what we can change letting go and i did speak this time kinda was gently eased into it and admitted im having hard time with letting go of him and surrending to what i cant change i think i had a lite bulb moment last night relised all my life ive done that tried to control it all never giving up or surrendering cos my dad taught me to be like that as i had to be my mum died when i was 13 and my dad went to pieces couldnt cope with it so i had to do it and it taught me early not to ever give in on anything so i grew up thinking i wasnt ever to give something up and let someone take it over for me and as for god i had given him up as a lost cause years ago.After all when had he listened to me when i sat and cried for hours on end when mum died and i begged for help maybe had i actually listened and felt the love was always there surrounding me just had to reach out and take it.
And i do think now i find been alone is very hard for me cos of all the time when i was alone with no one to turn to i did have counselling for this a while back but i havent gotten over it the feeling of been abandoned by both parents hence why i cling to a relationship thats dead cos better that than be alone its a hard relisation that and something will take me along time to conquer but am so glad i have my group to hug me at the end of the meeting and make me feel loved and am gonna go before the tears come again nite nite all xxx
And i do think now i find been alone is very hard for me cos of all the time when i was alone with no one to turn to i did have counselling for this a while back but i havent gotten over it the feeling of been abandoned by both parents hence why i cling to a relationship thats dead cos better that than be alone its a hard relisation that and something will take me along time to conquer but am so glad i have my group to hug me at the end of the meeting and make me feel loved and am gonna go before the tears come again nite nite all xxx
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Join Date: Dec 2009
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Posts: 536
am i dont always feel it must admit one small step forward few more back but suppose still going forward no going back to him no matter what other lies he tells me do they all tell lies as he does and then try to twist my own reality cos im still of the opionion this mum death thing is another lie maybe his way of getting sympathy as the sti lie was cos guy i was chatting to other nite saw the lie immediatly and yet i never saw that one coming im not quite as clever at picking them out but on ward another step away from him and towards normality whatever that is xxx
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Kia, It has been very painful for you to reach this point but you are on a healing path now! many hugs!
Even when my Xaabf's dad died and I did adore his dad...I really just let it go as that was all there was to do. The aabf had screwed up having me in his life in a good and comforting way and losing parents is something we all have to deal with at some point (I am very sorry you lost your mom so young, that is not what I mean..that isn't usual). It was just something he was going to have to deal with without me just like everything else in life, the big, the small, the good, the bad..all of it. Just like I have to deal with those things..and he wasn't there for me either even when we were together. I am not spiteful in not being more sympathetic to mine, I just had to be hard nosed realistic about it.
I couldn't have made a bit of difference anyway.
I needed to go on with my life and having him in in even if I meant well and tried the smallest gesture..it always came back to hurt me in the end. I had to choose myself.
Now I am free to be with people who do care about me and have something to share and give back. That is the way life is meant to be lived.
((((((((((((((huge hugs))))))))))))))
Even when my Xaabf's dad died and I did adore his dad...I really just let it go as that was all there was to do. The aabf had screwed up having me in his life in a good and comforting way and losing parents is something we all have to deal with at some point (I am very sorry you lost your mom so young, that is not what I mean..that isn't usual). It was just something he was going to have to deal with without me just like everything else in life, the big, the small, the good, the bad..all of it. Just like I have to deal with those things..and he wasn't there for me either even when we were together. I am not spiteful in not being more sympathetic to mine, I just had to be hard nosed realistic about it.
I couldn't have made a bit of difference anyway.
I needed to go on with my life and having him in in even if I meant well and tried the smallest gesture..it always came back to hurt me in the end. I had to choose myself.
Now I am free to be with people who do care about me and have something to share and give back. That is the way life is meant to be lived.
((((((((((((((huge hugs))))))))))))))
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Join Date: Dec 2009
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well im sat here chilling listening to my music and singing a bit and its peaceful and then im going to bed to sleep a peaceful nite and yes he just needs to deal with it to be honest i think hes lied anyhow again but even if hes not as u said i had to deal with both my mums death years ago and my dads more recent he wasnt there for me in any which way maybe its his own guilt reflecting back at him thats making him so aggressive towards me i dunno and am past caring he can go wallow in his own misery ive done all the sympathy i can do for him which is more i might add than he did for me he made my life pure hell when dad died accused me of killing him and all sorts made it 100 times worst so no guilt on my part aint done nowt wrong and me im gonna enjoy my christmas he can do what he want thanks live *hugs* back xxxx
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I think he is a very cruel blankety-blank. You deserve to be cherished and treated well.
Enjoy your music and a lovely evening. It is getting late there, now. Do you have alot of snow? I know that parts of your area have been snowed in for a couple of weeks now and some have none.
We had a gorgeous snow here but it wasn't so much and didn't really last a day. I went out to get my hair cut (pampering myself, we deserve it!) and then out to a restaurant (my favorite one) as a holiday treat...and it was so pretty with the branches of this small tree with red berries all encased in ice.
Do some of your al-anon ladies get together for coffee after the meetings? It would be fun for you to have some new friends!
Enjoy your music and a lovely evening. It is getting late there, now. Do you have alot of snow? I know that parts of your area have been snowed in for a couple of weeks now and some have none.
We had a gorgeous snow here but it wasn't so much and didn't really last a day. I went out to get my hair cut (pampering myself, we deserve it!) and then out to a restaurant (my favorite one) as a holiday treat...and it was so pretty with the branches of this small tree with red berries all encased in ice.
Do some of your al-anon ladies get together for coffee after the meetings? It would be fun for you to have some new friends!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Maybe the AlAnon ladies could come to your house for coffee and cake.
Or tea and biscuits?
A cuppa?
Do you have mobility problems? I think you said something about that some time ago.
I have arthritis, and live in Michigan, we just got dumped on (snow) and I as much as I hate to get outside, I put on my excellent outdoor boots and walk around a little.
Very carefully though. The chill and the sun and the snow kind of wake me up.
Beth
Or tea and biscuits?
A cuppa?
Do you have mobility problems? I think you said something about that some time ago.
I have arthritis, and live in Michigan, we just got dumped on (snow) and I as much as I hate to get outside, I put on my excellent outdoor boots and walk around a little.
Very carefully though. The chill and the sun and the snow kind of wake me up.
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
yep we have had alot of snow over nite and its diffucult getting out but ive been out the trees are so beautiful with all the snow it was worth the risk of a slip weve never quite had this much before here with been on the coast it usually skips us not this time and its brough everything to a halt but have got all my food and pressies in will do some wrapping tomorrow have written me cards and our al anon is mixed with there been equal amounts of ladies and men but they dont live anywhere near me so no as yet no coffee mornings but u never know in time we can maybe sort something but not with this snow theres no public transport all our trains are off and no buses either and i cant drive so have no idea even if i will get to tuesdays final meeting before christmas i hope i can hate missing it but there u goxxxx
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