A Couple of Recent Conversations
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
A Couple of Recent Conversations
My sis and I had a falling out in August so we haven't talked as much.
We were on the phone yesterday for quite awhile. She had sent a Christmas package and was tracking it on UPS. She told me how she had thought it was lost because it showed up as being in ******* VA and I live in ******* TN.
The last time we had talked some time in the last month I knew she was drinking while we were chatting and when it got to where her words slurred some, I tired of it as it really bothers me and cut the conversation short.
I had told her about how neat it was that we could go to the main street downtown and one side of ******* is in TN and the other side is VA. I told her about the neat street signs and all sorts of things about this cool little fact about where I live.
She responded with enthusiasm and appropriately at the time.
Yesterday I realized that she doesn't remember that fact and probably not much of the conversation we had.
That really saddens me.
I wonder if she really knows what she said and how she acted the night that we had the argument in August? How many other times are mix ups of lost memory? I will never know.
I also phoned the XH this week. I do talk to him some times. Since we split he spends his evening socializing in bars. If I had known that was what he wanted we wouldn't have gotten far in the dating game at all, y'know? I feel deceived on that score. I knew that he liked beer. I knew that I was over sensitized to it. I accepted his occasional beer drinking as normal. I never considered him an alcoholic. I wonder now.
I phoned him because his house burnt to the ground and he lost everything right before Thanksgiving and then his birthday was this past week. I wanted to let him know I remembered his birthday and thought of him and wished him well. I asked him what he was going to do for his birthday and he told me with eagerness and gusto that he was going to get drunk. He just turned 66.
I think that is pathetic. I had thought about sending him a little cash since he had just had such a devastating loss. But if the man can have bar tabs, I don't think I will.
Again, it is just really sad to me.
Thankfully Mr Live now drinks a beer so rarely that as far as I am concerned, I don't notice it anymore than if it were Koolaid.
I told him in the beginning that I would prefer to never even see a 6 pack in my frig. That was all that took. There's no beer in my frig. Hasn't been, won't be. Nothing to worry about.
But it still does trigger me that these others have this so integrally in their lives. I wish I didn't feel so disgusted by it, but I do.
I read a thread on here the other day about some folks having Bailey's in their coffee. Several folks commented on that as being pretty hardcore.
Me? I have seen it plenty. Thought it was part of a luxury brunch on special weekends for some girl bonding. Pretty normal in my family all except the folks.
I don't have any...but I am the oddball. The misfit.
and I did think about getting a bottle as a Christmas treat. Kind of like egg nog.
??????????
We were on the phone yesterday for quite awhile. She had sent a Christmas package and was tracking it on UPS. She told me how she had thought it was lost because it showed up as being in ******* VA and I live in ******* TN.
The last time we had talked some time in the last month I knew she was drinking while we were chatting and when it got to where her words slurred some, I tired of it as it really bothers me and cut the conversation short.
I had told her about how neat it was that we could go to the main street downtown and one side of ******* is in TN and the other side is VA. I told her about the neat street signs and all sorts of things about this cool little fact about where I live.
She responded with enthusiasm and appropriately at the time.
Yesterday I realized that she doesn't remember that fact and probably not much of the conversation we had.
That really saddens me.
I wonder if she really knows what she said and how she acted the night that we had the argument in August? How many other times are mix ups of lost memory? I will never know.
I also phoned the XH this week. I do talk to him some times. Since we split he spends his evening socializing in bars. If I had known that was what he wanted we wouldn't have gotten far in the dating game at all, y'know? I feel deceived on that score. I knew that he liked beer. I knew that I was over sensitized to it. I accepted his occasional beer drinking as normal. I never considered him an alcoholic. I wonder now.
I phoned him because his house burnt to the ground and he lost everything right before Thanksgiving and then his birthday was this past week. I wanted to let him know I remembered his birthday and thought of him and wished him well. I asked him what he was going to do for his birthday and he told me with eagerness and gusto that he was going to get drunk. He just turned 66.
I think that is pathetic. I had thought about sending him a little cash since he had just had such a devastating loss. But if the man can have bar tabs, I don't think I will.
Again, it is just really sad to me.
Thankfully Mr Live now drinks a beer so rarely that as far as I am concerned, I don't notice it anymore than if it were Koolaid.
I told him in the beginning that I would prefer to never even see a 6 pack in my frig. That was all that took. There's no beer in my frig. Hasn't been, won't be. Nothing to worry about.
But it still does trigger me that these others have this so integrally in their lives. I wish I didn't feel so disgusted by it, but I do.
I read a thread on here the other day about some folks having Bailey's in their coffee. Several folks commented on that as being pretty hardcore.
Me? I have seen it plenty. Thought it was part of a luxury brunch on special weekends for some girl bonding. Pretty normal in my family all except the folks.
I don't have any...but I am the oddball. The misfit.
and I did think about getting a bottle as a Christmas treat. Kind of like egg nog.
??????????
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Thank you, Rayn. The understanding and hugs were just sort of needed. It had me sad for a bit tonight.
I don't deal with them! LOL
We live far apart and all keep up some pretty stiff boundaries.
I really didn't even start thinking of my sis as alcoholic until very recently and it doesn't anger me the way it has with boyfriends and x-spouses. Her life just doesn't really intertwine with mine in that way. It doesn't have the same impact and effect.
It does create a huge gap of difference between us....because for years I haven't like being around the parties, gatherings and celebrations because of my unease with drinking (due to the traumatizing XAABF)
so, we sort of can't hang out together. It is a moot point most of the time since we live far apart.
I just got to wondering about that lost memory thing and feeling sad for the cost life-wise of the alcoholics I have known and loved.
The XH thing did disgust me though. I seem to think that he should well have outgrown all that by now..and living with me, there wasn't all this drinking...why would he prefer this path? icky.
I don't deal with them! LOL
We live far apart and all keep up some pretty stiff boundaries.
I really didn't even start thinking of my sis as alcoholic until very recently and it doesn't anger me the way it has with boyfriends and x-spouses. Her life just doesn't really intertwine with mine in that way. It doesn't have the same impact and effect.
It does create a huge gap of difference between us....because for years I haven't like being around the parties, gatherings and celebrations because of my unease with drinking (due to the traumatizing XAABF)
so, we sort of can't hang out together. It is a moot point most of the time since we live far apart.
I just got to wondering about that lost memory thing and feeling sad for the cost life-wise of the alcoholics I have known and loved.
The XH thing did disgust me though. I seem to think that he should well have outgrown all that by now..and living with me, there wasn't all this drinking...why would he prefer this path? icky.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
The lost memory incidents can be the most crazy-making thing of all. I have similar experiences with my sister.... told her one night of plans for my daughter's birthday party, then a few days later she emailed me wondering how to get a bday card to my daughter. I asked her why she didn't just bring it to the party..... "What party?" Lot's of incidents like that with my X, too.
My relationship with my sister has deteriorated since my divorce from XAH. It makes me very sad because we were extremely close. I know I have changed, and become healthier.... I realize she and her boyfriend are likely alcoholics (he definately is). She doesn't approve of my current boyfriend.....
My relationship with my sister has deteriorated since my divorce from XAH. It makes me very sad because we were extremely close. I know I have changed, and become healthier.... I realize she and her boyfriend are likely alcoholics (he definately is). She doesn't approve of my current boyfriend.....
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
Live, sometimes we as codependents don't really know what to consider as "normal" or social drinking is since we don't have anything from our experiences to gauge it against. For most of our drinking experiences we have been exposed to excessive drinking by alcoholics.
Currently, nearly 14 million Americans--1 in every 13 adults--abuse alcohol or are alcoholic. Several million more adults engage in risky drinking patterns that could lead to alcohol problems. In addition, approximately 53 percent of men and women in the United States report that one or more of their close relatives have a drinking problem.
Alcoholism, also known as "alcohol dependence," is a disease that includes alcohol craving and continued drinking despite repeated alcohol-related problems. It includes four symptoms:
Craving -- A strong need, or compulsion, to drink.
Impaired control -- The inability to limit one's drinking on any given occasion.
Physical dependence -- Withdrawal symptoms, such as nausea, sweating, shakiness, and anxiety, when alcohol use is stopped after a period of heavy drinking.
Tolerance -- The need for increasing amounts of alcohol in order to feel its effects.
You wrote "Yesterday I realized that she doesn't remember that fact and probably not much of the conversation we had. That really saddens me.
I wonder if she really knows what she said and how she acted the night that we had the argument in August? How many other times are mix ups of lost memory? I will never know."
In this statement, you could be talking about me. However, I'm justified......since I suffered my stroke, I suffer from problems with my short-term memory recall. Unfortunately, this happens to me more often than I can remember. <SMILE>
You wrote "I phoned him because his house burnt to the ground and he lost everything right before Thanksgiving and then his birthday was this past week." "I had thought about sending him a little cash since he had just had such a devastating loss. But if the man can have bar tabs, I don't think I will."
My nephew, an alcoholic, had his house burn down, also. However, in his case he fall asleep in one of his alcoholic binges, while he was burning candles. He's just lucky to have managed to get out of his house alive.
Remember......YOU DIDN’T CAUSE IT!...... YOU CAN’T CURE IT!...... AND YOU CAN’T CONTROL IT!
For most people, alcohol is a pleasant accompaniment to social activities. Moderate alcohol use--up to two drinks per day for men and one drink per day for women and older people (A standard drink is one 12-ounce bottle of beer or wine cooler, one 5-ounce glass of wine, or 1.5 ounces of 80-proof distilled spirits) -- is not harmful for most adults.
You wrote "I read a thread on here the other day about some folks having Bailey's in their coffee. Several folks commented on that as being pretty hardcore. Me? I have seen it plenty. Thought it was part of a luxury brunch on special weekends for some girl bonding. Pretty normal in my family all except the folks. I don't have any...but I am the oddball. The misfit. and I did think about getting a bottle as a Christmas treat. Kind of like egg nog."
In my opinion social drinking, in moderation, is acceptable. I can vision you sitting in front of a toasty fireplace sipping on your egg nog, with its creamy deliciousness, and just a bite of rum or brandy that sings through. I love eggnog because it puts the feather in St. Nick’s hat. It means the holidays are here!
Letting Go . . .
To “let go” does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To “let go” is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.
To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.
To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.
To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To “let go” is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To “let go” is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.
To “let go” is not to deny, but to accept.
To “let go” it not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.
To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To “let go” is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To “let go” is to fear less, and love more.
Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest!
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
Currently, nearly 14 million Americans--1 in every 13 adults--abuse alcohol or are alcoholic. Several million more adults engage in risky drinking patterns that could lead to alcohol problems. In addition, approximately 53 percent of men and women in the United States report that one or more of their close relatives have a drinking problem.
Alcoholism, also known as "alcohol dependence," is a disease that includes alcohol craving and continued drinking despite repeated alcohol-related problems. It includes four symptoms:
Craving -- A strong need, or compulsion, to drink.
Impaired control -- The inability to limit one's drinking on any given occasion.
Physical dependence -- Withdrawal symptoms, such as nausea, sweating, shakiness, and anxiety, when alcohol use is stopped after a period of heavy drinking.
Tolerance -- The need for increasing amounts of alcohol in order to feel its effects.
You wrote "Yesterday I realized that she doesn't remember that fact and probably not much of the conversation we had. That really saddens me.
I wonder if she really knows what she said and how she acted the night that we had the argument in August? How many other times are mix ups of lost memory? I will never know."
In this statement, you could be talking about me. However, I'm justified......since I suffered my stroke, I suffer from problems with my short-term memory recall. Unfortunately, this happens to me more often than I can remember. <SMILE>
You wrote "I phoned him because his house burnt to the ground and he lost everything right before Thanksgiving and then his birthday was this past week." "I had thought about sending him a little cash since he had just had such a devastating loss. But if the man can have bar tabs, I don't think I will."
My nephew, an alcoholic, had his house burn down, also. However, in his case he fall asleep in one of his alcoholic binges, while he was burning candles. He's just lucky to have managed to get out of his house alive.
Remember......YOU DIDN’T CAUSE IT!...... YOU CAN’T CURE IT!...... AND YOU CAN’T CONTROL IT!
For most people, alcohol is a pleasant accompaniment to social activities. Moderate alcohol use--up to two drinks per day for men and one drink per day for women and older people (A standard drink is one 12-ounce bottle of beer or wine cooler, one 5-ounce glass of wine, or 1.5 ounces of 80-proof distilled spirits) -- is not harmful for most adults.
You wrote "I read a thread on here the other day about some folks having Bailey's in their coffee. Several folks commented on that as being pretty hardcore. Me? I have seen it plenty. Thought it was part of a luxury brunch on special weekends for some girl bonding. Pretty normal in my family all except the folks. I don't have any...but I am the oddball. The misfit. and I did think about getting a bottle as a Christmas treat. Kind of like egg nog."
In my opinion social drinking, in moderation, is acceptable. I can vision you sitting in front of a toasty fireplace sipping on your egg nog, with its creamy deliciousness, and just a bite of rum or brandy that sings through. I love eggnog because it puts the feather in St. Nick’s hat. It means the holidays are here!
Letting Go . . .
To “let go” does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To “let go” is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.
To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.
To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.
To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To “let go” is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To “let go” is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.
To “let go” is not to deny, but to accept.
To “let go” it not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.
To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To “let go” is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To “let go” is to fear less, and love more.
Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest!
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by Phoenixthebird 
.
Remember......YOU DIDN’T CAUSE IT!...... YOU CAN’T CURE IT!...... AND YOU CAN’T CONTROL IT!
Letting Go . . .
To “let go” does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To “let go” is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.
To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.
To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.
To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To “let go” is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To “let go” is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.
To “let go” is not to deny, but to accept.
To “let go” it not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.
To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To “let go” is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To “let go” is to fear less, and love more.
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
Remember......YOU DIDN’T CAUSE IT!...... YOU CAN’T CURE IT!...... AND YOU CAN’T CONTROL IT!
Letting Go . . .
To “let go” does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To “let go” is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.
To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.
To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.
To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To “let go” is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To “let go” is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.
To “let go” is not to deny, but to accept.
To “let go” it not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.
To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To “let go” is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To “let go” is to fear less, and love more.
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Live))) - I've been the A, I've been the loved one of an A (way before I became one) and I understand the "icky" feelings. At work, I usually work the weekend nights, and we have, what I call the "drunk and disorderlies" coming in, or going through drive-thru.
It's like I'm just so over it. It's not like I don't LIKE them, I just don't want to be f2f with them. Heck, I don't even know them. I'm fortunate, that for today, I'm not dealing with an active A in my life. Could change tomorrow.
I just want you to know I understand the sadness, the feeling of "haven't you grown out of that yet?!?!" and the icky feelings. Sending you a huge hug, and lots of prayers. I think when we realize what type of people we want in our lives, and some of our loved ones fall OUT of that area, it's sad, it hurts, but we still do what we have to, for us.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
It's like I'm just so over it. It's not like I don't LIKE them, I just don't want to be f2f with them. Heck, I don't even know them. I'm fortunate, that for today, I'm not dealing with an active A in my life. Could change tomorrow.
I just want you to know I understand the sadness, the feeling of "haven't you grown out of that yet?!?!" and the icky feelings. Sending you a huge hug, and lots of prayers. I think when we realize what type of people we want in our lives, and some of our loved ones fall OUT of that area, it's sad, it hurts, but we still do what we have to, for us.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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