Being Cold
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
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Being Cold
Not sure if I'm over reacting or not so who better to advise than you guys eh?
Talking with my Mum and she's always busy, very high profile and time consuming job yet she can't say no to anyone (except me) and then complains to me about how worn out she is and how no one understands. Classic martyr and HUGE codie but doesn't see it at all.
So a few times in the past she's called me cold because I'm now quite cut and dry about things, i.e. if you're too busy this weekend to do such and such with so and so, tell them you can't do it.
I have always been a people pleaser to my own detriment so am working hard on saying yes when I want to do something and no when it's not convenient.
This evening I was called cold again because I said she should say no to babysitting if it was going to put her out as she was on the phone moaning to me that she'd said yes to babysitting but could really do without it etc...
I'm realising that my Mum saying stuff like this or acting funny with me is quite a trigger for me. We're normally very close but I can pinpoint times where she is quite judgemental (little shakes of the head or tuts) and it's starting to **** me off. She also still tells me off like I'm a kid, telling me to be quiet or keep my voice down if I speak loudly in public or giving me dirty looks if I say the wrong thing in front of someone.
I'm 33 years old, I don't need this!
Most of the time we're fine but sometimes I really want to scream at her! Am finding it hard to detach from this and not let it get to me.
I find it extremely difficult to talk to her about this. The one time I did stick up for myself and told her to stop telling me what to do because I didn't like it, she came back with a "well I don't like it when you...blah blah".
Why am I perceived as being cold just because I told her to say no to something?
Remind me how to detach with love again?
Talking with my Mum and she's always busy, very high profile and time consuming job yet she can't say no to anyone (except me) and then complains to me about how worn out she is and how no one understands. Classic martyr and HUGE codie but doesn't see it at all.
So a few times in the past she's called me cold because I'm now quite cut and dry about things, i.e. if you're too busy this weekend to do such and such with so and so, tell them you can't do it.
I have always been a people pleaser to my own detriment so am working hard on saying yes when I want to do something and no when it's not convenient.
This evening I was called cold again because I said she should say no to babysitting if it was going to put her out as she was on the phone moaning to me that she'd said yes to babysitting but could really do without it etc...
I'm realising that my Mum saying stuff like this or acting funny with me is quite a trigger for me. We're normally very close but I can pinpoint times where she is quite judgemental (little shakes of the head or tuts) and it's starting to **** me off. She also still tells me off like I'm a kid, telling me to be quiet or keep my voice down if I speak loudly in public or giving me dirty looks if I say the wrong thing in front of someone.
I'm 33 years old, I don't need this!
Most of the time we're fine but sometimes I really want to scream at her! Am finding it hard to detach from this and not let it get to me.
I find it extremely difficult to talk to her about this. The one time I did stick up for myself and told her to stop telling me what to do because I didn't like it, she came back with a "well I don't like it when you...blah blah".
Why am I perceived as being cold just because I told her to say no to something?
Remind me how to detach with love again?
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
My mother, who I love very much, and think is a wonderful person,does lots of things for my brother but resents it, I have tried suggesting that if it causes her this much resentment she doesn't a) OFFER and b) says no if they ask. she has been less than receptive to this. There have been examples where in one conversation she has both complained that my brother takes her for granted and expects her to provide childcare but also been hurt that she was the last one to be asked to look after his daughter, presuming this means that she's not good enough.
I've pointed out he can't win, and that if he asks her as a last resort it might be because he has worked out that she resents something, but doesn't know what because she never says directly, and that a request isn't a burden or expectation... boy did I cop it for that one.
what can you do though? I now say "that must be difficult", or "I can see your upset by that" but offer no suggestions and change the subject.
It's difficult, I think if she complains about my brother, and others when they ask for a favour, or she offers a favour, and she does it, then the same probably goes for me too.
I never know where I am.
The interesting thing for me is that these are things I do, it shines a light on my behaviours and how others must feel when I can't say no, aren't honest with people and resent them for it. I think, for me, that's why I react so strongly to it, rather than letting her get on with it.
I've pointed out he can't win, and that if he asks her as a last resort it might be because he has worked out that she resents something, but doesn't know what because she never says directly, and that a request isn't a burden or expectation... boy did I cop it for that one.
what can you do though? I now say "that must be difficult", or "I can see your upset by that" but offer no suggestions and change the subject.
It's difficult, I think if she complains about my brother, and others when they ask for a favour, or she offers a favour, and she does it, then the same probably goes for me too.
I never know where I am.
The interesting thing for me is that these are things I do, it shines a light on my behaviours and how others must feel when I can't say no, aren't honest with people and resent them for it. I think, for me, that's why I react so strongly to it, rather than letting her get on with it.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Ooooh, I remember my Ice Queen years! That was a favorite insult when I wasn't doing what I was told by my ex.
I dunno. Have another babysitting option? And say "we can talk about that in a minute" when she brings up something irrelvant to the point? Or just ask straight out, take her answer at face value and ignore the nonsense?
I dunno. Have another babysitting option? And say "we can talk about that in a minute" when she brings up something irrelvant to the point? Or just ask straight out, take her answer at face value and ignore the nonsense?
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The thing is she shows no sign of resentment to my brother, she puts on this front so as to impress my bro's in laws and then just does all the moaning to me. I don't ask her for anything anymore because she would always do it but moan or even shout at me and make me feel guilty for asking. She doesn't do that with anyone else, says yes to everyone else and then moans to me about it.
I think I will stop suggesting ways to make things better for her, you're right, that's something I can do and if I don't suggest anything then it can't be turned around on me.
It's the codie trying to save the codie, need to back off.
I think I will stop suggesting ways to make things better for her, you're right, that's something I can do and if I don't suggest anything then it can't be turned around on me.
It's the codie trying to save the codie, need to back off.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
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Originally Posted by Bolina 
Ooooh, I remember my Ice Queen years! That was a favorite insult when I wasn't doing what I was told by my ex.
I dunno. Have another babysitting option? And say "we can talk about that in a minute" when she brings up something irrelvant to the point? Or just ask straight out, take her answer at face value and ignore the nonsense?
I dunno. Have another babysitting option? And say "we can talk about that in a minute" when she brings up something irrelvant to the point? Or just ask straight out, take her answer at face value and ignore the nonsense?
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
Tally, you wrote "I think she feels like she doesn't have to pretend with me, she's said it before in the past, that I "understand"." I was going to say the same thing!
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Join Date: Sep 2005
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Yeah, I don't mind her being herself with me, would prefer it obviously but I hate that she feels like she has to put on this big front for everyone else, she cares so much about what other people think.
Think I just need to take a few steps back, it's hard when its your own Mum though. Definitely won't be giving her advice again though, never even thought of doing that, lol.
Think I just need to take a few steps back, it's hard when its your own Mum though. Definitely won't be giving her advice again though, never even thought of doing that, lol.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I already lent her my copy a couple of years back because she couldn't stop digging my brother out of holes and it was making her ill. It was only after she read it she said she saw herself and my father the whole way through the book too.
It didn't make too much of a difference really. She's not really a self help book fan, whilst she acknowledges that a lot of it makes sense, she can't/won't put it into practise.
Am gonna try offering no advise and changing the subject I think. That will help me detach from it and take me out of the firing line.
It didn't make too much of a difference really. She's not really a self help book fan, whilst she acknowledges that a lot of it makes sense, she can't/won't put it into practise.
Am gonna try offering no advise and changing the subject I think. That will help me detach from it and take me out of the firing line.
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
Tally, you wrote "Am gonna try offering no advise and changing the subject I think. That will help me detach from it and take me out of the firing line." You give yourself good advice. You will be trying to stop the insanity of your situation.
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Albert Einstein
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Albert Einstein
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