Bolina

Goldengirl, I wasn't having a go! I'm on your side. Apologies if I came across as being against you.

I don't think for one minute that the example you gave was indicative of you having social issues. Why do you set such store on what he thinks? I already said he was abusive. So what he says means pretty much zilch, I reckon. That's all I meant. Your objection to his reaction was entirely reasonable. My only thought is why you might think it would be otherwise?

Peace?

Live

That is how I read you, Bolina.

I know that I said something to someone last night that I meant to be construed as sympathetic to them and they did not reply.
I realized today that we were miscommunicating.

I know that you rid yourself of an abuser, Bolina.

So, did I.
My mind was really in knots and it took me quite awhile to untangle what had happened to me. My entire sense of what was normal was lost for awhile!

goldengirl3

I'm sorry Bolina. That is how I took it - as though you thought I just wanted to rant about his behavior. But I'm glad you wrote back and told me otherwise!

Why does what he thinks matter? I guess I just lived in that reality for so long and he was keeping me so beat down and isolated, I really wondered if he was right. And his friends didn't seem to like me from the beginning. My mother never liked me. Maybe they are all right. His "list" was made for our counselor (he went one time and quit) - he seemed to think he was going to present this list and the counselor was going to understand "my issues." Another thing on the list - that I can't swim! I really think this list is just a HUGE focus on me and my "issues" so that he doesn't have to focus on himself. And who gives a flying f* that I can't swim. Unless he suddenly decided after 4.5 years that he really wanted a scuba diving relationship partner...my not swimming is my own d* business.

We are not in contact and I have everything blocked. I did see him a couple of weeks ago - he asked me to take him to an AA meeting. I did and kept very distant, unemotional, but accompanying. After leaving, he said, "We both have a lot of issues to work on." I'm not completely sure what he meant - but I got the impression that just by seeing me he was already trying to focus on me again instead of himself.

It drives me crazy and I don't understand it.

Live

Gradually over time, I gave credence to his assessments of me as valid. I blamed myself for things, trying to be empathetic and see things from his perspective and etc. My mother was very critical and judgemental too.

I spent over two years working through that confusion. I couldn't understand what had happened. What had happened to me. Nor what to think about any of it?
He was a smart man and he could twist things so well that it really warped my handle on myself and my reality and what other's really did think? Maybe I had just not had a clue before of the way other's view things? Maybe I need to develop my awareness and be more open minded?
To make it worse, he really did believe some of his own really warped thinking. It was real to him.
It wasn't just the overt abusive things...he had a whole other viewpoint of so many things. He saw them differently than I did. Things I might think entirely harmless, he considered me to be acting thoughtlessly, selfishly, inconsiderately. He would claim to be hurt by it.

And there is the phenomon of "shifting sands"..every time you think you know and understand where things stand and what he wants and etc..it changes.

I have read many times that Confusion is the hallmark telltale sign of abuse. Emotional, mental and others.

I was so confused I couldn't think clearly about anything anymore. I questioned every motive, every action.

It is the effects of abuse. I am never going to fully understand.

But I have a far better idea of normal now. and there is no room for abuse in it.

Hollyanne

Bolina,
Can't swim either!
Live, you hit on something with me.
My father's rules kept changing! We didn't know which way was up!
2 of his most commonly used phrases;
"whether I am right or wrong, I am right anyway" OK then.
"When I say "yes", i mean "no" and when I say "no", I mean "yes". WTF!!!!!!
We did actually "learn" the rules pretty well though.
When everything you do or say is a potential landmine, you give up or you rebel.
I rebelled, but then I rebelled at all authority. And just to cap it off, I became very particular myself about seemingly simple things. You should see my face when someone slams a car-door!
I also developed "battle-fatigue"! Ha!
Remember that Julia Roberts movie? "Sleeping with the enemy"? Great example, but people who did not live with it would have no comprehension I think.
Anyhoo, Yehhh to our freedom and being a person in our own right. Using our own compass to navigate life instead of some lala's!
ps, Did you guys know, there is a correct "direction" to sweep the floor? Yea, you want to watch that one, very important. LOL

goldengirl3

This really made me laugh out loud. To think I've probably been doing it wrong this whole time....

To Live: I could never do anything right. And then...mine would yell at me "I can never do anything right by you!!!" Sometimes I wouldn't give any reaction at all when he picked at me. I just really didn't know how to deal with it anymore. To me, all he needed was a dummy doll at that point to act out his dramas. LOL. He could yell at it and accuse it of things...it just sit there and he could keep on going.... I think I just thought of a good Christmas gift....

Buffalo66

This is my life.
I am "comfrontational, and tough", because I do not let things go "well"....I hold on to things.

I say I am just expressing my needs. My feelings.

I sometimes feel like this is a old fashioned male/female issue for us. He comes from a family that quietly frowns upon women speaking out..."she's "like that".."

My sister in law is very emotional, maybe a bit dramatic. She always says how she feels. They rip her to shreds behind her back. She can sometimes be trshy, granted, but, she is entitled to say what she feels.

I know, for a fact, that if she was a man, they would call her bold...say she just knows what she knows.

A person that has a vagina and who is also a strong person, with a solid opinion, and maybe a little self possessed is sometimes hard for some people to process.
It is lame and stupid, but unfortunately so.

This is just the case with my A, and his family.

goldengirl3

Hey Buffalo. His "best friend" also an alcoholic believes that women's lib ruined the world as he put it. His wife stays at home and takes care of their little ones and that's the way he likes it. He would even say things to my ex like, "Don't let her tell you what to do!" Like I didn't have enough problems!!!

Of course, this person had no problem with me buying food for the boat that day with my high earning job. LOL.

I really don't think my ex agrees with all of that, as his mom is a very strong woman. But it shouldn't didn't help that he was around that kind of mentality.

Babyblue

Blowing up, not good.
Your therapist was right.

I do this too, something bothers me and I stuff it away. Try not to stuff things away if they are upsetting you. Better to bring it up (rationally and calmly) in the moment than to toss something out at someone after the fact. It makes them defensive.

He knows he blew it but probably felt attacked regardless of how tactfully it was phrased.

Still... blowing up about it was not justified.