EX contacted me today
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EX contacted me today
After a relatively quiet few weeks, my XRAB (is that right - recovering-ex-boyfriend?). Anyway - we hadn't spoken for a while. He called me at work - saying he wanted to wish me the best of holidays. He thought he'd also take the opportunity to let me know that things are going really well in his new relationship.
I lost it. I just lost it. He wanted to take the opportunity to rub my nose in it...
I tore a strip off him. I told him never to contact me again - and if he does, I will call the police. (a little extreme, yes, but it's what came tumbling out of my big mouth before I could stop it). Every awful thing I've ever thought about him also came tumbling out. (well, maybe not so much a tumble - more like a ballistic missile)
He could not understand why I was so angry. The fact that he's been calling me for the last few months (even though he has this new girlfriend) telling me he loves me, he misses me, etc. Then he said that he had wanted to move in a new direction with this woman to get a "fresh start" and that he ended things between us because he knew eventually that I would leave him anyway. Then came his standard "I'm sorry about all of this.". When I asked what "all of this" means, he couldn't answer.
After I telling him never to call me again, in true codie fashion I called him back (about 30 minutes later) to *gulp* apologize (DON'T say it - I KNOW!!), and he told me the most amazing thing. That he was in the liquor store. Why was he in the liquor store? He was buying his brother a bottle of single malt scotch for Christmas. Uh....yeah.
I realized right there that even after more than a year of (untreated) sobriety, he will never change. I no longer felt the urge to apologize, and was completely disgusted.
The most surprising thing of all happened this afternoon - I didn't let ANY of the drama affect my day. I had a fantastic afternoon - I was productive, got tons of work done and did not feel the slightest tinge of anxiety.
Maybe there IS something going on inside of me -- maybe I'm detaching after all (I didn't think I was emotionally, although I had physically).
I have a lot of work to do, I realize. I shouldn't have been drawn in the drama, but I do recognize some baby steps. And that's a huge improvement for me!!
I lost it. I just lost it. He wanted to take the opportunity to rub my nose in it...
I tore a strip off him. I told him never to contact me again - and if he does, I will call the police. (a little extreme, yes, but it's what came tumbling out of my big mouth before I could stop it). Every awful thing I've ever thought about him also came tumbling out. (well, maybe not so much a tumble - more like a ballistic missile)
He could not understand why I was so angry. The fact that he's been calling me for the last few months (even though he has this new girlfriend) telling me he loves me, he misses me, etc. Then he said that he had wanted to move in a new direction with this woman to get a "fresh start" and that he ended things between us because he knew eventually that I would leave him anyway. Then came his standard "I'm sorry about all of this.". When I asked what "all of this" means, he couldn't answer.
After I telling him never to call me again, in true codie fashion I called him back (about 30 minutes later) to *gulp* apologize (DON'T say it - I KNOW!!), and he told me the most amazing thing. That he was in the liquor store. Why was he in the liquor store? He was buying his brother a bottle of single malt scotch for Christmas. Uh....yeah.
I realized right there that even after more than a year of (untreated) sobriety, he will never change. I no longer felt the urge to apologize, and was completely disgusted.
The most surprising thing of all happened this afternoon - I didn't let ANY of the drama affect my day. I had a fantastic afternoon - I was productive, got tons of work done and did not feel the slightest tinge of anxiety.
Maybe there IS something going on inside of me -- maybe I'm detaching after all (I didn't think I was emotionally, although I had physically).
I have a lot of work to do, I realize. I shouldn't have been drawn in the drama, but I do recognize some baby steps. And that's a huge improvement for me!!
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aha -- but I DIDN'T apologize! My intention was to apologize, but when he said he was in the liquor store (presumably to let me know how much I had upset him during our first call), I did NOT apologize. He never even asked why I was calling.
I do wonder if he bought that bottle and if he'll get wasted tonight, but I'm not curious or concerned enough to call. It's HIS problem.
Alcoholic Love - I hope you're wrong. I want to get on with my life. I want him out of my life, my thoughts, my dreams.....
I do wonder if he bought that bottle and if he'll get wasted tonight, but I'm not curious or concerned enough to call. It's HIS problem.
Alcoholic Love - I hope you're wrong. I want to get on with my life. I want him out of my life, my thoughts, my dreams.....
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YAY!!!
who wouldn't get angry??? I know, we could just hang up and sometimes we do..but sometimes I have felt that I had a few things to get off my chest too..like an appropriate reaction/response/consequences.
who wouldn't get angry??? I know, we could just hang up and sometimes we do..but sometimes I have felt that I had a few things to get off my chest too..like an appropriate reaction/response/consequences.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
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Oh god what a complete goon phoning you up and telling you how well his relationship is going!!
If it was going so great then why the need to phone you in the first place? Dont play his games and dont talk to him,well not worth your time.
ghirl xx
If it was going so great then why the need to phone you in the first place? Dont play his games and dont talk to him,well not worth your time.
ghirl xx
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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I hope I am wrong too-but that has been MY experience.
They see you moving on quite nicely without them, then BANG he shows up.
He is my only weakness and he knows it.
Stay strong my dear Bumbling, stay strong.
You're on the right path.
They see you moving on quite nicely without them, then BANG he shows up.
He is my only weakness and he knows it.
Stay strong my dear Bumbling, stay strong.
You're on the right path.
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Yes - I feel that I am finally on the right path. Hours later - and still no anxiety. No guilt about the things I said to him. I don't feel anything negative.
Of course, I've been thinking about the whole thing - who wouldn't - but for once, I'm not berating MYSELF. I've been waiting for the inevitable remorse to kick in, but so far, I feel that my behaviour was justified.
I finally said all the things to him that I've said a thousand times in my head. I finally don't care if I burned the bridge. But in a way, it was cathartic. This man has proven, over and over again, that he simply doesn't have the capacity to care. Unless it's about himself.
He actually asked if he could still call me now and then to catch up, and that maybe, down the road, things may still work out for us!!! I told him he will never have the privilege of being in my company again - AND that he doesn't deserve my friendship OR one more minute of my time.
I haven't been sleeping well for the last couple of months. But I have a funny feeling that I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight....
Of course, I've been thinking about the whole thing - who wouldn't - but for once, I'm not berating MYSELF. I've been waiting for the inevitable remorse to kick in, but so far, I feel that my behaviour was justified.
I finally said all the things to him that I've said a thousand times in my head. I finally don't care if I burned the bridge. But in a way, it was cathartic. This man has proven, over and over again, that he simply doesn't have the capacity to care. Unless it's about himself.
He actually asked if he could still call me now and then to catch up, and that maybe, down the road, things may still work out for us!!! I told him he will never have the privilege of being in my company again - AND that he doesn't deserve my friendship OR one more minute of my time.
I haven't been sleeping well for the last couple of months. But I have a funny feeling that I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight....
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What a horrible and manipulative thing to say and do.. rubbing your nose in a new relationship of his. I'd be angry for sure. Just reading that made me mad! How insensitive. Sadly some people never 'get it' in life sober or not. They are clueless about anyone else's feelings but their own.
Kudos for staying strong!
Kudos for staying strong!
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Here it is. The fury has arrived. I'm now furious about my encounter yesterday. (I'm getting better - at least the reaction is delayed).
I'm this close to sending his new girlfriend an e-mail .... I don't know what I'd say exactly. Except maybe what he's been up to. In fact, I drafted it. Then I deleted it. Then I re-drafted it. But I haven't sent it.
I know it will make me look like a psycho, but who cares? He described all the exes before me as psychos - so there's no doubt he's also described me as one to the present victim. I have undeniable proof that he's cheated on her.
What do I do? Yes - I admit it. He told me he's happy and I want desperately to destroy that. I want him to hurt the way I hurt. I want HIM to have a sh** Christmas.
*sigh* Okay - I just answered my own question. *Email drafted deleted*
I don't want the guilt. I don't want the drama. I'm not a vindictive psycho.
Whew. close one!!
I'm this close to sending his new girlfriend an e-mail .... I don't know what I'd say exactly. Except maybe what he's been up to. In fact, I drafted it. Then I deleted it. Then I re-drafted it. But I haven't sent it.
I know it will make me look like a psycho, but who cares? He described all the exes before me as psychos - so there's no doubt he's also described me as one to the present victim. I have undeniable proof that he's cheated on her.
What do I do? Yes - I admit it. He told me he's happy and I want desperately to destroy that. I want him to hurt the way I hurt. I want HIM to have a sh** Christmas.
*sigh* Okay - I just answered my own question. *Email drafted deleted*
I don't want the guilt. I don't want the drama. I'm not a vindictive psycho.
Whew. close one!!
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Join Date: May 2010
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Hang in there, I know how hard it is, all those emotions that come to the surface when they contact us again.
Good for you for deleting the email to the gf. No point. Your Higher Power is taking care of you...NYC Chick is so right...when you called back to apologize, he was in the liquor store, and you needed to know that.
Nothing for you to do, but go on with your life, which is and will continue to be so much better without him in it.
Sending you calm and positive thoughts for a lovely weekend
Good for you for deleting the email to the gf. No point. Your Higher Power is taking care of you...NYC Chick is so right...when you called back to apologize, he was in the liquor store, and you needed to know that.
Nothing for you to do, but go on with your life, which is and will continue to be so much better without him in it.
Sending you calm and positive thoughts for a lovely weekend
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Thanks Calm. I'm seeking calm too!
Sometimes I wonder if I really do seek out the drama. I could feel the adrenaline pumping while I was writing the email drafts.
A few months ago, if I were in such an agitated state, I would have sent the e-mail. No doubt. Act now; think later - that was me.
But maybe there's a teeny tiny bit of growth in today's actions. Writing the e-mail felt GOOD; not sending it felt REALLY GOOD.
I have lots of jumbled emotions due to yesterday; I feel SO damned angry, and I feel so abandoned (he's happy with someone else!!); I feel sad that he's really gone this time; I feel guilty for lambasting him; I feel like I could have handled the situation with so much more class and dignity. *sigh* What a mess! I almost don't blame him for not wanting me - I wouldn't either sometimes!! (I said ALMOST!!)
Sometimes I wonder if I really do seek out the drama. I could feel the adrenaline pumping while I was writing the email drafts.
A few months ago, if I were in such an agitated state, I would have sent the e-mail. No doubt. Act now; think later - that was me.
But maybe there's a teeny tiny bit of growth in today's actions. Writing the e-mail felt GOOD; not sending it felt REALLY GOOD.
I have lots of jumbled emotions due to yesterday; I feel SO damned angry, and I feel so abandoned (he's happy with someone else!!); I feel sad that he's really gone this time; I feel guilty for lambasting him; I feel like I could have handled the situation with so much more class and dignity. *sigh* What a mess! I almost don't blame him for not wanting me - I wouldn't either sometimes!! (I said ALMOST!!)
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uh-oh...you are believing him over your own reality.
I come from a long line of psychos! LOL
The ones before me were psychos. The ms perfect ride off in the sunset after the wedding new gfs were later psychos. in fact the wedding didn't take place, nor did the sunset rides. It was the same old roller coaster with him. over and over and over.
His actions have told another story. He lies, he cheats etc etc etc
Mine wouldn't know a happy relationship if it smacked him up both sides of the head, he doesn't know how to have one and will never put the work into it.
He just does the fairy tale over and over.
enough to make me definitely queasy.
You know people by their patterns. his patterns do not match his words.
If he was all that and a bag of chips..you would never have gotten that phone call and those words.
and I believe your anger was a natural, normal response.
write that crap out as much as you need to.
You will get your balance back.
Hopefully he heard you and won't phone again.
This drama stinks, doesn't it?
You will regain your peace and please don't beat yourself up because he has acted like a jerk again.
I come from a long line of psychos! LOL
The ones before me were psychos. The ms perfect ride off in the sunset after the wedding new gfs were later psychos. in fact the wedding didn't take place, nor did the sunset rides. It was the same old roller coaster with him. over and over and over.
His actions have told another story. He lies, he cheats etc etc etc
Mine wouldn't know a happy relationship if it smacked him up both sides of the head, he doesn't know how to have one and will never put the work into it.
He just does the fairy tale over and over.
enough to make me definitely queasy.
You know people by their patterns. his patterns do not match his words.
If he was all that and a bag of chips..you would never have gotten that phone call and those words.
and I believe your anger was a natural, normal response.
write that crap out as much as you need to.
You will get your balance back.
Hopefully he heard you and won't phone again.
This drama stinks, doesn't it?
You will regain your peace and please don't beat yourself up because he has acted like a jerk again.
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Join Date: May 2010
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You don't know that he's happy...just because he says so??? You know him, and you know better.
Sometimes, worry will creep into my mind that my exabf will find someone else, and then I tell myself that if he does that so easily, then he is not the one for me, just as I suspected. I have to believe that my higher power is going to show me the right path; I try so hard to pay attention.
Good luck to them both. You are soooo much better off, and you are doing great. Write to your hearts content...just don't send anything. It is cathartic to get it out, I find.
Sometimes, worry will creep into my mind that my exabf will find someone else, and then I tell myself that if he does that so easily, then he is not the one for me, just as I suspected. I have to believe that my higher power is going to show me the right path; I try so hard to pay attention.
Good luck to them both. You are soooo much better off, and you are doing great. Write to your hearts content...just don't send anything. It is cathartic to get it out, I find.
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Thank you, my friends!
I felt panic today, which is why I started writing the e-mail.
When I got home from work, I noticed my Blackberry was flashing --- he called while I was driving home (I guess I didn't hear the phone over the Christmas music I had cranked on the stereo; yes - that was my terrible voice you could hear!! hehe) He didn't leave a message, but the phone displayed his number. I suspect it was an "I'm sorry" call - no message means he'll try again. I turned off my phone.
Oh HP, (that's funny to me -- HP is the name of a sauce that British people (like my mum) use on eggs and meat!) ... please guide me. Please remove my vicious thoughts. Please help me to rise above all of this. Let me be a good, decent, balanced person. Thank you HP.
I felt panic today, which is why I started writing the e-mail.
When I got home from work, I noticed my Blackberry was flashing --- he called while I was driving home (I guess I didn't hear the phone over the Christmas music I had cranked on the stereo; yes - that was my terrible voice you could hear!! hehe) He didn't leave a message, but the phone displayed his number. I suspect it was an "I'm sorry" call - no message means he'll try again. I turned off my phone.
Oh HP, (that's funny to me -- HP is the name of a sauce that British people (like my mum) use on eggs and meat!) ... please guide me. Please remove my vicious thoughts. Please help me to rise above all of this. Let me be a good, decent, balanced person. Thank you HP.
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Shoot...the evil part of me now wishes mine would get a good relationship and happy just to get a taste of what he could have had for the last 4 decades etc.
bittersweet regret.
and the nice part of me....wishes he would get a good relationship because he is going to die never knowing anything other than the messed up world he has always lived in and created.
and that is sad.
that is good enough for balance for me.
I am not striving to be perfect. sainthood just isn't within my reach.
now, not living with stress, drama, addiction and have a loving partner. Those things I can do.
and a good dinner and a tubful of bubbly baths with a great book.
a good night's sleep without worry and interruption.
there is life after the addict.
bittersweet regret.
and the nice part of me....wishes he would get a good relationship because he is going to die never knowing anything other than the messed up world he has always lived in and created.
and that is sad.
that is good enough for balance for me.
I am not striving to be perfect. sainthood just isn't within my reach.
now, not living with stress, drama, addiction and have a loving partner. Those things I can do.
and a good dinner and a tubful of bubbly baths with a great book.
a good night's sleep without worry and interruption.
there is life after the addict.
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Live - do you believe that my EX is going to repeat the same patterns with this new woman?
I fear that he'll find true love and sublime happiness with her. It scares me because then, the reason we didn't work out is because of ME. Is that the codie in me talking?
I've never known him to be happy - in fact, I've rarely seen him smile (you know - a REAL smile, where one's eyes light up and they couldn't straighten their face if they tried). Now that he's sober (but not in recovery), did he just look at me and think "I can do better" ?? God - that really frightens me.
If he was really in recovery, he'd have worked the steps, and I would expect, he would have attempted to make amends (with a lot of people - including me). That's never happened. He's done step 1. And that's about all.
Is it possible to recover without working the steps or some other kind of recovery program? Can he recover just by being with a different partner?
Am I going crazy? Grrrrr....
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
There - that helps. But I still have so many doubts. so many questions.
I fear that he'll find true love and sublime happiness with her. It scares me because then, the reason we didn't work out is because of ME. Is that the codie in me talking?
I've never known him to be happy - in fact, I've rarely seen him smile (you know - a REAL smile, where one's eyes light up and they couldn't straighten their face if they tried). Now that he's sober (but not in recovery), did he just look at me and think "I can do better" ?? God - that really frightens me.
If he was really in recovery, he'd have worked the steps, and I would expect, he would have attempted to make amends (with a lot of people - including me). That's never happened. He's done step 1. And that's about all.
Is it possible to recover without working the steps or some other kind of recovery program? Can he recover just by being with a different partner?
Am I going crazy? Grrrrr....
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
There - that helps. But I still have so many doubts. so many questions.
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