nodaybut2day

I think I do. Or perhaps I should call it a "Drama Seeker", because I'm pretty sure I've caught myself trying to seek (or god forbid..create) drama in my life.

Here's the gist:

I'm seeing a man. He's an old friend/old flame from 10 years ago. We went to school together and always had a thing for one another. We gave it a go 5 years ago, but it didn't work because of distance. This time, we've been seeing each other since February, so nearly 11 months.

I left XAH in October 2009.

So, I only took a teeny tiny break and then I started to see this man. "See" meaning lots of emails, and seeing each other once weekly, because I simply don't have the time to do more. My parents know and love him, and so does my DD.

It's going well and rather "slowly". There have been no fights. He's financially responsible, very family-oriented, independent, professionally and artistically ambitious, super easy going, articulate, communicative, funny, attractive...for me, the "whole package". And yet, I keep looking for something to go wrong.

Nothing has so far.

But I'm still looking. I'm like Grandpa Simpson, who goes around pointing and saying "Deaaaaath!". Today, it occurred to me that I didn't wait the recommended year after the divorce (which occurred in July 2010), and I wonder if it means we're "doomed".

It's really annoying that I'm sometimes unable to just sit back and enjoy life because I have this habit of trying to find drama somewhere, or anywhere.

And then I remember that trying to control the outcome of things is silly since I obviously don't know what HP has in store for me.

Oops, this turned into an inner monologue of sorts.
Thanks SR, I'm done now.

Redheadsusie

Enjoy it- Take One Day at A Time and Enjoy the Peace! You deserve it!

Bolina

Are you really looking to create drama? Or are you keeping a watchful eye out for incidences of potential drama because you are wanting to protect yourself?

The former is not so good, but the latter is perfectly understandable. You've been through a lot. I reckon you are smart enough to keep on with your recovery and learn to relax when you are ready. Don't you?

coyote21

You've been "out" for just over a year now. Almost 5 for me, and I seem to remember a weird sort of "withdrawal" from all the chaos/drama for me, for a while.

It was particularly weird, because at the same time I was sooo relieved to be "out" of all that crap.

I've chosen to remain single till LMC gets older/I finish the steps, just to try and prevent picking the same woman I've always picked. I kept marrying the same woman, different hair, as one Alanon buddy used to say. I really can't chance "losing myself" in another relationship till I get healthier. I've wasted enough of my "decades", I'm running low on them.

But then, I have 30 or so years on you, so my "urge to merge" has wained some what....thank you, thank you, thank you HP.

A guy used to post on here about his theory on "adrenalin addiction" by we codies. A lot of "us" fought him about it, but I felt like he was right on the money with regard to my own experiences. I believe he was Zbear?

Any way, it felt to me like I was trying to kick an addiction to some form of "liquid drama" that first year or so. But I'm over it, my DOC is now serenity.

Oh, and since you didn't wait the prescribed year with your bf, yes, you ARE doomed. J/K.

Self awareness is a beautiful thing, no?

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. I have "drama radar" O.K., but it's the kind that warns me to stay far, far away.

vujade

I was just talking with a girlfriend about this yesterday...seeking drama. It's almost as if life just doesn't feel right if you don't have something to worry about.

I was watching Intervention one night (is this like being pregnant and watching A Baby Story? Sigh...) Jeff VanVonderen was preping a family and he said something that really struck me - "There is safety in guaranteed failure because feeling good doesn't feel good. Feeling good feels inconsistent. Feeling bad feels consistent." I remembered feeling sad and thinking about those poor addicted souls out there who sought out failure. A few days later, it smacked me in the face...ummmm...that applies to codies, too! Feeling good doesn't feel consistent to me. I almost feel unsettled when it seems that I have nothing to worry about.

At least you are aware of what you are doing and that is a great starting place. For awhile, we're going to feel like fish out of water without drama but like anyone in recovery, we all have to find the strength to fight our conditioned urges and get from one day to the next...until feeling GOOD...feeling PEACEFUL...DOES feel consistent.

HoopNinja

Given our history of codependence I think it is more a sign of growth on your part. You are still working on you and you just want to make sure you are not “overlooking" something that perhaps in the past you might have overlooked?? Not sure if this is drama seeking or just being cautious.

But it sounds like you have set your boundaries and know what you are doing. I agree-you've been through a lot and there is nothing wrong with having fun.

That one year rule . . .when does the year start really. When you decided the first time you wanted a divorce or when it was officially (as in legally over). Mine was not legally over until September. It was officially over when I left in July of 2009. It was over in my mind 2 years before that when I went to see the first lawyer to find out what I needed to do to divorce him and what would be the ramifications financially. So as far as I am concerned my year was over a looooooong time ago

lillamy

BOY does this sound familiar!!!
I've reconnected with an old friend (we've known each other for 30 years) who is everything XAH is not, and everything I was never attracted to before. If you're familiar with Twilight, I've always fallen for the Edward type -- the brooding, difficult guy. This guy is more Jacob (fun-loving and easy-going and laughs a LOT) but with a keg instead of a sixpack on his belly. And he has a drink maybe once a year, if that.

And I'm doing exactly the same thing. I mean, we're not even dating -- but I keep looking for warning signs. And I've told him that the next man I date is going to have to a) pass judgment by a jury of my peers and b) have to live with me being like the Spanish Inquisition.

I think we're terrified of ending up in yet another sh***y relationship. We don't trust ourselves to not make the same mistake again. And thus, we second-guess ourselves.

And now I'll be giggling and thinking "Deeeeeeath!" every time I get one of those suspicious thoughts in my mind! Thank you!

skippernlilg

There was something I picked up in a recent Al-anon meeting that really shouted at me. Someone said that he was constantly seeking companionship with As or emotionally distant people because that meant he could dive into 'them' and never have to give of himself that much. It was something he'd learned as a by-product of being an ACOA. I think that's true for me. I don't have to be genuinely myself if I dive into the other person's issues so much.

Take out the issues, and I might feel a little lost with what to do and how to be genuine. I think once I find that, for the first while or so, I might be digging for some drama just to feel a little 'normal' and not have to put myself out there so much.

rdy4change

Zoinks! I was just thinking that myself this morning...crazy!

Personally I'm not sure about the waiting a year after the divorce thing. I think that many of us have checked out of our marriages long before they were final and are ready to find happiness. It's different for everyone and only you know what you can handle. I also agree with Redheadsusie about one day at a time.

My divorce was final this past October and I'll admit that I had started seeing someone before that. Similar to your story, I have known this person for years. He's kind, considerate, supportive, funny, blah blah I could go on. I'm with you on waiting for drama and am still finding it difficult to let myself enjoy what it is.

I think January1 would be a GREAT time to start fresh. Won't you join me in learning to be happy an putting the drama behind? After all...we do deserve it!

Thumper

I don't really consider that drama. You are doing great - just cautious. I agree with those that said enjoy the moment.

Can't comment on the time of 'waiting'. It has been 11mos since my divorce was final. I think I'm taking another year

lillamy

That's how I ended up in my marriage. I obviously didn't know it then or I would have run the other direction, but in retrospect, I can see that was so afraid to get hurt again that when I met a man who was incredibly needy, I settled for that. Because it was super-easy to just attend to his needs and not have to think about my own. Until all of a sudden it was not.

Absofrigginlutely. I think it's perfectly fine to forge ahead with your new life as long as you're brutally honest both with yourself and with the person you meet about where you're coming from.

HoopNinja

OK this is a word that I will now need to use liberally!