I think he is relapsing right this minute. I want to die.

Old 12-08-2010, 10:23 PM
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I think he is relapsing right this minute. I want to die.

I had to turn on my phone to use for the alarm. A is pretty definitely out there drinking. I think he may even be sick from it. He called twice, I answered to make it stop. He said what am I supposed to do now?

I said, you made the choice to leave 'for good', you made the choice to go somewhere in your car. I cannot tell you what to do.
I asked if he was drunk, he said no. He said he went to a meeting. I do not believe him, but especially since he wont answer now, which means he is probably in a bar.

HIs mother apparently would not let him come there. She is 56 years old, is super close with my son, but since A came out of rehab, she has been acting very volatile, erratic, and resentful toward me.
Tonight she flamed me publicly on FB!!!
She wrote four statuses, all directed at me calling me selfish and childish, for throwing him out.
She finally IMed me, after not responding to calls. She was irate, berating me for being a child...Said I was selfish and petty. No one asks a man to sleep somewhere else because they are having trouble sleeping.
She simplified it, said she can see who I am now, and she can see my M.O., that I throw him out each time I dont get my way.
This woman used to be my greatest ally. Its as if him getting sober has shifted her dynamic with me, and she cannot tolerate me having a stand.

Here is the clincher...She went so far as to accuse me of using tactics to get pity. I was fine with that until she said, "next thing you know you will be bringing up your incest thing..."

I was stunned. I only ever mentioned it to her once, it was not in a way to elicit pity. I hardly ever talk about it at all. She was on a rampage. It was nuts. She sent a mild apology text, but then said, "but you do do that..and you are wrong now"

I tried to tell her I need a break, and she said resentment is normal, but a "break" Is ridiculous. She said grown adults dont get to take breaks.

He is now accusing me of asking him to leave so I can be with another man.

It is so nuts. He says everyone he talks to says I am crazy for expecting him to accept going somewhere else for a few days.

He cannot see that I was only trying to take my anxiety and anger down a notch and get some needed rest.

I cannot be there for him or for our son if I am not on top.

BTW, his mother used to beat them. She has mellowed, often would tell me she admires how I parent, how I take time to feel OK myself. She always says that she was not that strong, and took out her resentment on her kids. Now she is a raging maniac. maybe menopause?

He now says he is not drinking, and he wont. He says he is done. He says he will see me in custody court, and he expects to see his son in the next few days.

He says I am ruining our sons life by removing his daddy.

I did not remove him. I just asked for some time for me.

This is a nightmare. His mother was always a great support to my son and I.
I dont know if I even want to talk to her again, and they are all seeming nuts to me..Him, her, the brothers, his friends. I feel so alone in my choice. My family isnt really there for me.

My friends are on my side, but...It is still tough to stand tall and know what I know in the face of so much attack.

NO, I am not resting. NO, I am not calm.

I feel sad that I put him out there when he has been trying so hard, with our son, and staying sober. MAybe I am just really intolerant?

No...its been 10 years, 6 with son..I stood by, waited. I gave a lot. I let him come home...on terms.

He is acting crazy and extreme.

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Old 12-08-2010, 10:39 PM
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(((Buffalo))) - she's acting out for whatever reason, but she's wrong. Dead wrong. She most likely doesn't want to deal with him and is ticked at YOU because you're not taking him off your hands.

You're doing what's best for you and your son, and you have every right to do that. Meanwhile, HE is acting erratic as is his mom.

I'm sure the things she said and they way she said them hurt, but I'd have to think she's got some serious issues and they are just coming to the surface. All this time, you've had to put up with his stuff...and that was fine with her. Now that you've asked him to leave, she's not getting what she wants and she lashing out at you. He's not getting what HE wants and is doing the same. Sound like a pattern? She may have mellowed, after beating her kids, but she still has some problems.

Keep doing what you need to do for you and your son. If that means not talking to her, do it. If it means not talking to him, other than if it directly involves your son, do it. You don't need this **** and you, most certainly, don't deserve it.

Hugs and prayers,

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Old 12-09-2010, 12:49 AM
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hi buffalo-

it might be best to create some peace for yourself by unfriending her on facebook.

and why not go out today and buy an alarm clock so that you have the option of keeping your phone turned off?

if you intuit that he is drinking, then he probably is.

it is wholly reasonable to ask for a few days by yourself. let him and his mother sort it out amongst themselves, without you in the loop.

she is not your friend or ally, i hope you can see this. a real friend is there when times are difficult.

hang in there! it might get worse before it gets better, but you are doing the right thing. you will get some peace if you cut off communication. it is your right to get some rest!

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Old 12-09-2010, 01:19 AM
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Oh, Buffalo, it's just so hard sometimes, isn't it? Don't forget, you have lots of support here, even if it is difficult to come by IRL.

I agree with naive - remove from FB all those people who are not supportive. You don't need the extra drama right now (if ever!). Tempting though it is to make sure that your side of the story is heard, it rarely works and only serves to feed the negatives. Concentrate on looking after yourself and your son - your husband has plenty of support options available to him if he chooses to avail himself of them. And he got a break in rehab, didn't he? Why is it different for him?

What can we do to support you at the moment?

Oh, and my phone alarm works even if it is switched off. Test yours and see if it is the same.
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Old 12-09-2010, 04:43 AM
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I'm so sorry you had to endure those attacks. I think I would consider cutting off the avenues for more blame and chaos, by removing the lines of communication. It doesn't have to be forever, just until you feel you want to put feelers out again (if you do).

as for him and his mother's behaviour. Well, of course he blames you, the consequences of his behaviour have to be someone's responsibility. If not you, who? Him? well that's just crazy-talk! ;-p

Of course she is trying to attack you into a position where you chose to do that against your better judgement. There is an argument that if she wants someone to take him in that badly, she is perfectly welcome to do that herself. Probably more crazy-talk ;-p

you don't deserve this. I'm so sorry you are going through it.
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Old 12-09-2010, 05:07 AM
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I removed all FB friends that were in any way associated with my ex. I also removed their phone numbers from my phone. Get the alarm clock!! It is uncomfortable and anxiety producing at first but you will get used to it and then realize that the peace and quiet is really, really nice!!!
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Old 12-09-2010, 05:10 AM
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Mom lacks boundaries. Your relationship w her son is NONE of her business. Son is perpetual baby and mom sounds controlling. I am seeing a correlation...
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Old 12-09-2010, 05:26 AM
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I just had this very conversation with an Alanon friend yesterday.

NOBODY, with the exception of SR and Alanon, gets it when we try to share what's REALLY going on at home with active alcoholism (if he is not working a program of recovery he is just "dry". Many would agree that "dry" is worse that wet). If I have not actually lived with active alcoholism, I DO NOT have the capacity to understand or to "get it".

I can still remember the frustration of trying to "explain myself" and my actions to my in-laws. It was an exercise in futility. I had to detach and I took CatsPajama's signature line to heart, "What other people think of me is really none of my business".

You are FINALLY beginning to take care of yourself, this is a good thing for YOU. To them, you are upsetting the apple cart. The rest of the players in this alcoholic dynamic are pulling out all the stops in an effort to manipulate you, to maintain the all important "status quo".

Remember, THIS IS A FAMILY DISEASE, it effects everyone involved. My priorities are myself and my daughter, in that order. Everyone else is next. If "they" don't like it, eff 'em.

Oh, and you STILL not getting any rest even though he is out, is exactly the out come he intended with his actions. You are still responding to his nonsense. This is an excellent opportunity for you to practice some new skills. BTW, I kept responding to my axw's stuff for a long time, so I'm not dissing you. Just trying to point out the obvious.

Thanks and God bless us all,

PS If he is relapsing, it's NOT your problem, unless you just have too much serenity, and need a little chaos in your life.
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Old 12-09-2010, 05:49 AM
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Block her. Divorce her in your heart. She's a sick as they come. It's sad.

But you don't have to be-sick that is. You can step away from the Alcoholic :codiepolice and his batshit crazy mother. Let him save that drama for his momma and gtf away from him.

Oh, sorry, did I say that out loud?
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Old 12-09-2010, 07:12 AM
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My MIL thinks I'm her son's problem too(I thought she "got" it, as she is an ACOA, but apparently not) Block her, make your profile private(I've never had any of AH's side of the family on facebook, for good reason)
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Old 12-09-2010, 07:50 AM
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How long will you continue to be the scapegoat? How long will you question your need for your own sanity? How long will you continue to try to live in this very sick dynamic?

IMO, there is no "right" and "wrong" here; there is only blame. She blames you, He blames you, and You blame you. Allowing yourself to continue to think in terms of right and wrong will just keep you believing and participating in the blame game. Try instead to focus on stopping yourself from thinking in terms of right and wrong, and start thinking in terms of 1. What do I NEED? and 2. Is this particular thing going on helping me or hurting me? Allow more of what helps and eliminate what hurts.

I wish I could let you feel the ABSENCE of all this for just one day. I know you must be exhausted, not just from the lack of sleep, but from the thinking about all this.

My BF's sibling did to me what you describe MIL has done. Started yelling at me and accusing me of things related to BF's family, which really had nothing to do with me. Attacked my character and my values. I simply walked away from her. I have reached a point in my life and my Recovery where I am finally able to not internalize it, not react, not let it make me mad, not let it affect how I feel about myself. Because I KNOW myself so well now. I am too old for this type of chaos in my life. I have had to let go of a lot of emotional attachments to a lot of different people and of varying ages (children through adults) in order to gain my sanity, my serenity, and my peace.

(((hugs))) Let Go hon. Remember: Sick people will make you sick.
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Old 12-09-2010, 08:06 AM
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Buffalo, Coyote is SOOO right. No one understands what it's like unless they have lived it. Friends and family of my exabf think I am horrible. He stopped drinking, why am I not with him then?

I know why, you all know why, but no one else will ever get it.

Dry IS worse than drinking. I have lived it, so I know.

Take care of you So much great advice and support here. You are doing the right thing. You really are.
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Old 12-09-2010, 11:45 AM
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He says everyone he talks to says I am crazy for expecting him to accept going somewhere else for a few days.
My XAH says everyone he talks to is absolutely flabbergasted that I would leave him.

The reaction you get from people depends on what story you tell them. Besides, what other people think of you is really none of your business.
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Old 12-09-2010, 11:49 AM
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his friends wife (the friend with whom he sometimes stays) just called me to let me know he was there all night, had gone bowling, played table tennis in the basement and went to bed. So I guess he did not drink. She said her husb had asked and he said no. He was there with him whole time.

NO call from him today. I am strung up, just trying to simplify.

My sponsor talked to me about medium actions today, instead of extreme actions, ahe also spoke about who is healthier? I know I am. I began to get sick,and stepped away.

I took a medium action, he had an extreme response. It is common for the addicts.

She talked about what other medium actions I might have taken...Put him in the basement, as Naive and some others had suggested.

Things take time, I dont think I am right or wrong.
I think I just need what I need.

I feel sad that he is out there feeling like he has no where to go.

I wish he could have held onto that gratitude for longer than a month.
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Old 12-09-2010, 11:58 AM
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I am so glad you have your sponsor to talk to.

Your needs for sleep and rest, serentiy and peace in your home are valid. You need those things in order to maintain your health, restore your well-being, and to take proper care of yourself and your child.

It is a shame that your H does not contribute to the well being of all..but I guess he isn't capable, but there is no reason for you to suffer from his insanity.

I am glad you took steps to shield yourself, to get rest and are reaching out to find your balance.
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Old 12-09-2010, 12:45 PM
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On Facebook, it is also a good idea to look at your privacy settings and;

Allow "ONLY Friends". Disallow "Friends of Friends". The Friends of Friends thing is a sneaky way for some to cyber-stalk and see your photos, wall, statuses, etc.
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Old 12-09-2010, 01:10 PM
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I took a medium action, he had an extreme response. It is common for the addicts.
Ain't that the truth.

I feel sad that he is out there feeling like he has no where to go.
May I just remind you that you did NOT throw him out? You asked him if he could stay with his mother for a few nights because it would help you catch up on sleep. So he a) has somewhere to stay and b) was not allowed in by his mother (who then went on to badmouth you for wanting a break from a man she doesn't even let stay with her for one night) and c) is doing a pretty good job of placing the blame on you for something he chose to do. Whatever he's feeling about that, and how he chooses to tell the story, is really something that you don't need to concern yourself with. He's responsible for his own feelings.

And you are an adult, and as an adult, you handled a situation calmly: You stated your feelings, and your needs. He chose to be the center of the universe and rather than acknowledge your need and take steps to meet it, he saw the fact that you expressed a need as an attack on himself.

I think that's A behavior 101, really. At least that's been my experience.

Be good to yourself.
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Old 12-09-2010, 02:10 PM
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May I just remind you that you did NOT throw him out? You asked him if he could stay with his mother for a few nights because it would help you catch up on sleep

yes: all you did was start a conversation about being exhausted with a request about how you could overcome it.

just a conversation!

and yes, grown-ups do need breaks, and "normal" (whatever that means) grown-ups take them all the time; weekends away with friends, packing the kids off to grandmas for a week, taking turns to give the other a lie-in and some personal time. You are getting none of that, AND no sleep. Sleep deprivation is a torture technique because it affects are ability to function, think, concentrate, cope, and animals that are prevented from sleeping long-term die.

we need our sleep to function. You are the one holding everything together right now. anyone who thinks about your situation for a nanosecond could understand your request. Partners of insomniacs and snorers often need breaks, we had a series on Tv years ago about a sleep clinic and every episode you could see the toll on the families, and they all had to put together strategies that allowed them not to be held hostage to their family member's condition.

Please get some rest honey. Do you need to know the x, y and z of what he is up to? He is FINE. He will continue to be fine, and whatever he says and does will eventually reflect on him NOT you.
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