Why is it......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Why is it......
that when I try to talk Ah about issues we are having - he always ends up attacking me and cussing me out and calling me names and bringing up my faults and how much he has done for me and how ungrateful I am? I swear to God - I don't understand - actually I do- he is shifting everything on me so he does not have to face anything. I don't know how I think I can have a conversation with someone who is so out of touch with reality. I know how ugly he is going to make this - can see it already . We have no children together thank God and he actually mentioned getting alimony from me as he is not working. What a sack of sh*t. I went back tonight and read all of my posts and nothing has changed- he has been cussing at me for over 3 years. He told me tonight I needed help and I said Yes I do - I know. The response he gave me was FU! Why Why Why do I accept this beharvior- what is wrong with me to think this is all I deserve.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
because he is exactly what you said he is a sack of sh*t.
Im sorry but how dare he or anyone talk to you like that,my ex used to speak the same way when the spotlight was on him,they cant bear to hear the truth.
So he picks on your insecurities,even things that you told him in confidence all get thrown back in your face.
You will have enough of his crap,listen to what your telling yourself,your defo worth more than that, stuff him and his foul mouth.But i know myself this is all easier said than done when your emotionally attached,time away from him and not seeing him at all would be best for you to be able to think clearly.
xx ghirl
Im sorry but how dare he or anyone talk to you like that,my ex used to speak the same way when the spotlight was on him,they cant bear to hear the truth.
So he picks on your insecurities,even things that you told him in confidence all get thrown back in your face.
You will have enough of his crap,listen to what your telling yourself,your defo worth more than that, stuff him and his foul mouth.But i know myself this is all easier said than done when your emotionally attached,time away from him and not seeing him at all would be best for you to be able to think clearly.
xx ghirl
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Mine has done this over and over again. Alcoholics, especially when backed into a corner, think the best defence is to attack and they dont care who they hurt.
I didnt realise until fairly recently that this is what my husband was doing time and time again. It leaves you completely frustrated that nothing you discuss ever feels sorted, no compromises are met and you walk away knowing you have been personally insulted or verbally attacked. This too leads to bottling up and not wanting to discuss things that may matter to you with your partner because you dont want to set yourself up for a verbal backlash.
Some of my conversations with my AH have been completely irrational. Once I asked him to 'please cut down as it makes me feel sad when you drink and scared of the person you become' for this I listened to a rant about how lazy I was, how boring I was, I had no friends and all I did was watch TV. It just doesnt compute! My AH always goes off topic, so if I say something about his drinking, it leads to something about our daughters, or work - anything but the drinking! It was a complete waste of time.
I read a great article on a website once that I have saved on my desktop to read once in a while. Sorry, I dont know what it is called but it is also on a stickie at the top and begins 'The first casualty of addiction, like that of war' if you want to google for it.
Anyway, This is a sentence from the article In many cases the addict responds to negative feedback from others about his addiction by following the maxim of "Attack the attacker." . Have a read, its pretty good stuff and there is some enlightening things said in it.
With the help of my psycotherapist, who suggested I tried the hand up (like pushing with one hand) method and saying 'stop' and 'I do not have to listen to that' and I have found this is working for me. The first few times I tried it, my AH stopped what he was doing and took note. This and learning to pick my fights (when he is sober) has really helped.
It is true that you dont deserve it, or have to put up with it but nothing is going to change from your husbands point of view until he wants to find sobriety. So if you want to make changes, then you are going to have to change something that isnt working, for your own sake, so the buck starts with you. Keep reading, attend al-anon, see a psychotherapist these will all help in the long run.
I didnt realise until fairly recently that this is what my husband was doing time and time again. It leaves you completely frustrated that nothing you discuss ever feels sorted, no compromises are met and you walk away knowing you have been personally insulted or verbally attacked. This too leads to bottling up and not wanting to discuss things that may matter to you with your partner because you dont want to set yourself up for a verbal backlash.
Some of my conversations with my AH have been completely irrational. Once I asked him to 'please cut down as it makes me feel sad when you drink and scared of the person you become' for this I listened to a rant about how lazy I was, how boring I was, I had no friends and all I did was watch TV. It just doesnt compute! My AH always goes off topic, so if I say something about his drinking, it leads to something about our daughters, or work - anything but the drinking! It was a complete waste of time.
I read a great article on a website once that I have saved on my desktop to read once in a while. Sorry, I dont know what it is called but it is also on a stickie at the top and begins 'The first casualty of addiction, like that of war' if you want to google for it.
Anyway, This is a sentence from the article In many cases the addict responds to negative feedback from others about his addiction by following the maxim of "Attack the attacker." . Have a read, its pretty good stuff and there is some enlightening things said in it.
With the help of my psycotherapist, who suggested I tried the hand up (like pushing with one hand) method and saying 'stop' and 'I do not have to listen to that' and I have found this is working for me. The first few times I tried it, my AH stopped what he was doing and took note. This and learning to pick my fights (when he is sober) has really helped.
It is true that you dont deserve it, or have to put up with it but nothing is going to change from your husbands point of view until he wants to find sobriety. So if you want to make changes, then you are going to have to change something that isnt working, for your own sake, so the buck starts with you. Keep reading, attend al-anon, see a psychotherapist these will all help in the long run.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
OMG! Red and 8 Ball! You're BOTH married to my ex!
Seriously though:
"Projection is the process of taking feelings we have about ourselves (usually painful feelings) and focusing them on other people."
"Eventually the alcoholic comes to hate himself, but he finds this emotional state too much to bear so he expresses this as hatred for those closest to him, usually his wife and children."
(Those last two are from Wikipedia entry Stress-related disorders/defenses. There's no author listed or I would cite their name. It's covered by a Creative Commons deed that says it can be freely shared.)
Seriously though:
"Projection is the process of taking feelings we have about ourselves (usually painful feelings) and focusing them on other people."
"Eventually the alcoholic comes to hate himself, but he finds this emotional state too much to bear so he expresses this as hatred for those closest to him, usually his wife and children."
(Those last two are from Wikipedia entry Stress-related disorders/defenses. There's no author listed or I would cite their name. It's covered by a Creative Commons deed that says it can be freely shared.)
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I agree with the "attack is the best form of defense" line. It used to work with me, the whole conversation would be twisted around so we were suddenly talking about my faults or what I did wrong and I would run straight into it and start defending myself...exactly what he wanted because now the thing we were talking about (him) is all forgotten. It's just manipulation. It comes in many forms.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
I think this is the thread Eight_Ball mentioned:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Mike
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Mike
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Thank you for your responses. I am kind of freaked out right now- I just found saved on the DVR recorder a show about Seemingly Perfect Husbands who did unspeakable things meaning they murdered their wives. I just watched it and one guy put antifreeze in his wifes Gatorade which I drink lots of. He taped that yesterday. He told me the other day -To get the F out of his room or he was gonna do something he would regret the rest of his life. He has since denied he said that which in itself is creepy. All of his agression lately - the no job - his kids rarely call him or see him as they know he puts the drinking ahead of them too. He says that is my fault - them not calling - all kind of makes me think he is snapping . I have been real jittery lately actually since he threatened me. I think I need to figure out how to get him out of here peacefully so he does not snap. I have too much I want to do in this life .
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Sorry to hear that things are really tough at the moment. It's crazy-making, isn't it? Please listen to that voice inside that is trying to protect you. Phone a shelter, look at the abuse stickies and get some legal advice asap. Don't do anything hasty (leaving is the most dangerous time when dealing with an abuser) but please get as much information as you can with which you can form a workable plan to allow you to stay safe.
I asked myself the same questions when I was in your position. It's definitely worth having a shot at answering them. You don't need to answer them all now, but figuring out why you are not acting on the voice of your "best self" would be really helpful for you now.
For me it was twofold:
Specifically relating to my ex and the then current situation - because he was very good at manipulating people, because I was tied to him financially, because I had started to believe the nasty things he said to me, because he was "lovely" some of the time, because I didn't want to face up to the reality that I had chosen an abuser to share my life, because I was scared of the unknown, because I didn't want another failed relationship, because I was exhausted and didn't want to start the ball rolling on leaving and the fights that it would bring, because I thought I still had the power to change him, because I still thought that alcohol was to blame and if he'd only stop drinking then all our problems would go away.
More broadly speaking - because my upbringing, my culture and the society in which I lived had warped my mind
. That took a lot of Step 4 work to unpick!
Keep posting - there's a wealth of advice to be tapped into here.
Originally Posted by Redheadsusie 
Why Why Why do I accept this beharvior- what is wrong with me to think this is all I deserve.
For me it was twofold:
Specifically relating to my ex and the then current situation - because he was very good at manipulating people, because I was tied to him financially, because I had started to believe the nasty things he said to me, because he was "lovely" some of the time, because I didn't want to face up to the reality that I had chosen an abuser to share my life, because I was scared of the unknown, because I didn't want another failed relationship, because I was exhausted and didn't want to start the ball rolling on leaving and the fights that it would bring, because I thought I still had the power to change him, because I still thought that alcohol was to blame and if he'd only stop drinking then all our problems would go away.
More broadly speaking - because my upbringing, my culture and the society in which I lived had warped my mind
. That took a lot of Step 4 work to unpick! Keep posting - there's a wealth of advice to be tapped into here.
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
:ghug3 Redheadsusie, whenever I run across your ID I always think of one of my favorite nieces! Love it!
Are you sure you posted this thread and not me?! (LOL)
I started a thread here on SR on November 28th, entitled "Psychological/emotional/ verbal Abuse". It took me a long time to recognize this was happening to me in my relationship with my dry drunk husband. It sounds like this is what is happening to you in your marriage, too.
I ended my thread by writing the following:
"There is hope, however. If you know that you're currently being emotionally abused, you'll need to find ways to protect yourself emotionally; to reduce or stop contact with the abusive person; to find allies; to talk about what is going on and to look into options to keep yourself from being further abused. There are many resources to help you with abuse in relationships. Individual therapy or support groups with other victims can help a woman increase her self-esteem and her ability to recognize potentially abusive behavior. As she spends more time in a support group talking to other ladies or working with a counselor her mental health has a big turn around.
Countering the negative messages that you received is, also, really important. You may need to write down all the insulting things that you learned about yourself and counter each one with the truth. It may feel unnatural or foreign to counter these messages, but it will help you to feel better in the long-run. Catch yourself when you find that you are putting yourself down. Take a breath and remind yourself that you don't want to do that anymore, that you don't deserve to be hurt and that you want to think of yourself differently. See if you can come up with something that you like about yourself. If you can't come up with something good, think about how you would like to think about yourself. The idea is to interrupt the flow of insulting thoughts you have and to find ways to replace those thoughts with self-soothing ones. By finding ways to be gentle and soothing with yourself, you are directly countering those messages. Being kind to yourself by asking yourself what you need, what you want to do and letting yourself do those things are all ways to create a more positive and loving relationship with yourself. No matter what you've been told or how you've been treated, you are worthy of love and respect. The more you know this, the less likely you will be to accept disrespectful or abusive behavior towards yourself or others. You should not have to take emotional abuse from anyone - no matter what the excuse. You deserve to be treated well."
This is my own personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest!
Love and Peace!
Phoenix
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Are you sure you posted this thread and not me?! (LOL)
I started a thread here on SR on November 28th, entitled "Psychological/emotional/ verbal Abuse". It took me a long time to recognize this was happening to me in my relationship with my dry drunk husband. It sounds like this is what is happening to you in your marriage, too.
I ended my thread by writing the following:
"There is hope, however. If you know that you're currently being emotionally abused, you'll need to find ways to protect yourself emotionally; to reduce or stop contact with the abusive person; to find allies; to talk about what is going on and to look into options to keep yourself from being further abused. There are many resources to help you with abuse in relationships. Individual therapy or support groups with other victims can help a woman increase her self-esteem and her ability to recognize potentially abusive behavior. As she spends more time in a support group talking to other ladies or working with a counselor her mental health has a big turn around.
Countering the negative messages that you received is, also, really important. You may need to write down all the insulting things that you learned about yourself and counter each one with the truth. It may feel unnatural or foreign to counter these messages, but it will help you to feel better in the long-run. Catch yourself when you find that you are putting yourself down. Take a breath and remind yourself that you don't want to do that anymore, that you don't deserve to be hurt and that you want to think of yourself differently. See if you can come up with something that you like about yourself. If you can't come up with something good, think about how you would like to think about yourself. The idea is to interrupt the flow of insulting thoughts you have and to find ways to replace those thoughts with self-soothing ones. By finding ways to be gentle and soothing with yourself, you are directly countering those messages. Being kind to yourself by asking yourself what you need, what you want to do and letting yourself do those things are all ways to create a more positive and loving relationship with yourself. No matter what you've been told or how you've been treated, you are worthy of love and respect. The more you know this, the less likely you will be to accept disrespectful or abusive behavior towards yourself or others. You should not have to take emotional abuse from anyone - no matter what the excuse. You deserve to be treated well."
This is my own personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest!
Love and Peace!
Phoenix
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
First, I didn't want to leave AH because I felt responsible for him.
Then, I didn't want to leave AH because he was only emotionally and verbally abusive, and I couldn't prove this to anyone, and I was afraid everyone would turn against me, and maybe he and his lawyer friend would take the children away from me.
I thought "if only he would be physically abusive, just once, then I could leave."
When I finally left, it was in the middle of the night after he had threatened to kill me and our children.
I would advise anyone to make plans to leave before it gets to that point.
Then, I didn't want to leave AH because he was only emotionally and verbally abusive, and I couldn't prove this to anyone, and I was afraid everyone would turn against me, and maybe he and his lawyer friend would take the children away from me.
I thought "if only he would be physically abusive, just once, then I could leave."
When I finally left, it was in the middle of the night after he had threatened to kill me and our children.
I would advise anyone to make plans to leave before it gets to that point.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Along with the others I strongly urge you to phone and make an appmt to see a domestic violence counselor.
The effects this has on you are terrible and I hope you will be able to sort yourself out and be freed of this nightmare.
The effects this has on you are terrible and I hope you will be able to sort yourself out and be freed of this nightmare.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I wanted to come back and apologize if it sounded like I was telling you what to do. I know that when you're living with an A, the last thing you need is yet another person telling you what to do...
I'm worried about you, though. (And when people would say that to me, I would get upset. You know, like they had their ducks in such a cute little row and I was this messed up person who couldn't take care of herself...)
I think what I wanted to say was that you have the right to life. You have the right to leaving, should you choose to. You don't need to justify it to anyone. A simple realization that "I have had enough" is all the reason you need. And if you are not at that point, you have the right to stay. Without having to justify that to anyone.
I'm worried about you, though. (And when people would say that to me, I would get upset. You know, like they had their ducks in such a cute little row and I was this messed up person who couldn't take care of herself...)
I think what I wanted to say was that you have the right to life. You have the right to leaving, should you choose to. You don't need to justify it to anyone. A simple realization that "I have had enough" is all the reason you need. And if you are not at that point, you have the right to stay. Without having to justify that to anyone.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Please don't normalize or rationalize any of his behavior. It took me so long to even recognize that something like copying things about wonderful husbands who did bad things to their wives is NOT normal.
It is all smoke and mirrors. That way it is tossed back at you and nothing is focused on them.
Take care of yourself. He sounds very abusive. Do you have somewhere you can go to get a break and get away from him? May help you get some perspective on your situation because you are not sitting right in the middle of it.
It is all smoke and mirrors. That way it is tossed back at you and nothing is focused on them.
Take care of yourself. He sounds very abusive. Do you have somewhere you can go to get a break and get away from him? May help you get some perspective on your situation because you are not sitting right in the middle of it.
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