It's official
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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It's official
I just really need to get this out. It’s long, maybe it’s off-topic. But I really need to tell some one.
It’s done. Well, as done as it can get with a little one. The divorce is final. He’s no longer a STBXAH, but just an XAH. I’m no longer Mrs. X. I’m looking forward to getting the actual piece of paper so I can go change my name on everything.
He told so many lies during the proceeding. He was caught in so many lies. I’ve said it before: He couldn’t tell the truth if it crawled into his mouth and tried to jump out. He was in true form yesterday and the judge saw it. XAH still denies he has a drinking problem, still thinks he’s better than ‘those people’ who have to attend counseling or AA. While XAH denied the general topic of domestic violence, emotional and sexual abuse, he, in a round-about way, admitted to treating me like luggage and controlling me. Whether or not he realizes what he said, he admitted to raping me when he said he only came back to the bedroom and had sex with me when I didn’t want it “once and then stopped doing that when I realized it hurt her.” The judge heard it.
I also never thought I’d say it, but I’m happy that XAH has a girlfriend. The judge asked him to call her and see if she could come in to talk with the court. XAH called; she came in. The judge put her on the stand and without her, we would never have proven that XAH lied about where he lived, we never would have known that he’s had 5 different jobs in the past 7-8 months or where he is currently working; we would never have known about any relapse in his ‘commitment to not drink.’
Without her showing up there, she would never know that this “open and honest, caring man” (as she called him)
I think she heard it. Does she still think he’s so open and honest? I doubt it. I do very much doubt it. There’s at least a seed of doubt planted there. I hope she’ll be more aware of his patterns and won’t have to go through the sheer hell I put up with for nearly 10 years of marriage before seeing it. I no longer feel guilty for not warning her. She’s heard, even if she doesn’t yet *know* how abusive he is.
XAH doesn’t seem to understand the no contact order still stands. That the only exception to talking directly to me is calling in case of emergency directly related to DS. If we’re in the same room, head to the opposite ends of the room, if we see each other at the store, head to a different aisle, etc. The idiot tried to talk to me when leaving the court room. WTF? One: No_Contact_Order. Two: Anything we had to say to each other about the divorce was already said. I am not his friend; I do not magically want to talk to the a-hole who scares the sh-t out of me just because we’re no longer married.
I’m hoping XAH thinks he won. He kind of got what he wanted, he has no parental responsibility beyond paying child support and his visits, his girlfriend gets to supervise his visits. So I think he thinks he got what he asked for, which was unsupervised time with DS. If he continues thinking that, maybe my tires won’t all go flat at the same time again. Maybe I won’t have to worry about what else could happen to my car that I wouldn’t necessarily see... I hope he thinks he won.
I hope one day it sets in for me that I’m no longer tied to him. I hope one day I will feel free.
It’s done. Well, as done as it can get with a little one. The divorce is final. He’s no longer a STBXAH, but just an XAH. I’m no longer Mrs. X. I’m looking forward to getting the actual piece of paper so I can go change my name on everything.
He told so many lies during the proceeding. He was caught in so many lies. I’ve said it before: He couldn’t tell the truth if it crawled into his mouth and tried to jump out. He was in true form yesterday and the judge saw it. XAH still denies he has a drinking problem, still thinks he’s better than ‘those people’ who have to attend counseling or AA. While XAH denied the general topic of domestic violence, emotional and sexual abuse, he, in a round-about way, admitted to treating me like luggage and controlling me. Whether or not he realizes what he said, he admitted to raping me when he said he only came back to the bedroom and had sex with me when I didn’t want it “once and then stopped doing that when I realized it hurt her.” The judge heard it.
I also never thought I’d say it, but I’m happy that XAH has a girlfriend. The judge asked him to call her and see if she could come in to talk with the court. XAH called; she came in. The judge put her on the stand and without her, we would never have proven that XAH lied about where he lived, we never would have known that he’s had 5 different jobs in the past 7-8 months or where he is currently working; we would never have known about any relapse in his ‘commitment to not drink.’
Without her showing up there, she would never know that this “open and honest, caring man” (as she called him)
- lied about having a valid driver’s license (and that it’s a criminal offense if he gets caught)
- lied about how his evil, greedy wife was sucking him dry and leaving him nothing to live on
- lied that he filed for divorce and I was just refusing to sign, and that the truth is he was the one dragging his feet on the divorce
- is actually paying jacksh-t to support his DS and is 2 and a half years behind in his payments (the entire time of our separation BTW)
- lied about how abusively he treated his wife in front of his son (whether or not she believes it’s true at this time)
I think she heard it. Does she still think he’s so open and honest? I doubt it. I do very much doubt it. There’s at least a seed of doubt planted there. I hope she’ll be more aware of his patterns and won’t have to go through the sheer hell I put up with for nearly 10 years of marriage before seeing it. I no longer feel guilty for not warning her. She’s heard, even if she doesn’t yet *know* how abusive he is.
XAH doesn’t seem to understand the no contact order still stands. That the only exception to talking directly to me is calling in case of emergency directly related to DS. If we’re in the same room, head to the opposite ends of the room, if we see each other at the store, head to a different aisle, etc. The idiot tried to talk to me when leaving the court room. WTF? One: No_Contact_Order. Two: Anything we had to say to each other about the divorce was already said. I am not his friend; I do not magically want to talk to the a-hole who scares the sh-t out of me just because we’re no longer married.
I’m hoping XAH thinks he won. He kind of got what he wanted, he has no parental responsibility beyond paying child support and his visits, his girlfriend gets to supervise his visits. So I think he thinks he got what he asked for, which was unsupervised time with DS. If he continues thinking that, maybe my tires won’t all go flat at the same time again. Maybe I won’t have to worry about what else could happen to my car that I wouldn’t necessarily see... I hope he thinks he won.
I hope one day it sets in for me that I’m no longer tied to him. I hope one day I will feel free.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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I hope you don't feel like a big whooping "CONGRATULATIONS!" is out of order... because that, and a big hug, is what I want to give you.
I'm relieved for and with you. You might not feel like celebrating today (I didn't), but you will notice in the little things how you will feel more and more like yourself again. It's quite the feeling.
I was nodding in recognition of so much in your post. They're so much alike, As.
RXAH still calls it "ridiculous" that our agreement contains a no-contact order. Haha. He earned that one, as I'm sure your XAH did, too.
And I laughed out loud at this:
because ain't that the truth with most of them?
I'm glad you're DONE. Good for you. Now continue taking care of yourself and baby boy.
I'm relieved for and with you. You might not feel like celebrating today (I didn't), but you will notice in the little things how you will feel more and more like yourself again. It's quite the feeling.
I was nodding in recognition of so much in your post. They're so much alike, As.
XAH doesn’t seem to understand the no contact order still stands.
And I laughed out loud at this:
He couldn’t tell the truth if it crawled into his mouth and tried to jump out.
I'm glad you're DONE. Good for you. Now continue taking care of yourself and baby boy.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
WOW. You are one strong cookie to make it through that! I am not sure I could have done it. Good for you! You are free and faced it square between the eyes and moved right on. Trust me this isnt lost on him! I am so proud for you!!!! Welcome to the free and serene club of the A's divorcees....I will act as spokeperson and welcome you. Will also send virtual muffin basket as a welcome to the club gift. You are now free to enjoy the rest of your life!!!
In peace!
BIG HUGS!!
Lulu
In peace!
BIG HUGS!!
Lulu
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
This was hard to read. How awful. I'm really sorry, I feel like a bad friend I didn't know all of these things had happenned to you. It's amazing-a miracle-that you've gotten away from him.
You will. Just keep marching forward, being honest with yourself.
You are one of the miracles here, Uncertian. Maybe you should change your name to Absolutely Certain.
Sending big hugs and lots of prayers your way. I hope you're taking time out for yourself, spending time with folks who love and adore you.
I hope one day I will feel free.
You are one of the miracles here, Uncertian. Maybe you should change your name to Absolutely Certain.
Sending big hugs and lots of prayers your way. I hope you're taking time out for yourself, spending time with folks who love and adore you.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
I am so happy for you--that all the legal stuff is done. It is empowering to take your name back and be rid of a name that has nothing but bad feelings associated with it. Oddly, I still felt trapped when I had his name. When I got mine back I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me.
I hope some day you will be free too. They are sick puppies and thrive on chaos. This is so sad for you and DS. But you are strong and you can still keep your boundaries in place. You do not have to accept anything he is shoveling out and you don't have to even discuss his lies. It sounds like he was exposed for who he is.
I hope some day you will be free too. They are sick puppies and thrive on chaos. This is so sad for you and DS. But you are strong and you can still keep your boundaries in place. You do not have to accept anything he is shoveling out and you don't have to even discuss his lies. It sounds like he was exposed for who he is.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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Really?!
O_M_G. XAH's GF just e-mailed me and said that Monday was a very emotional day (you think?) and she wasn't sure they were listening and asked what XAH is supposed to turn in by Friday for the child support.
I am thankful she's around, unwittingly helped the judge see how much of an alcoholic and liar XAH is, she has already contacted me about this weekend as a visit supervisor... so she's already ahead of the game, because this past fall, I was always waiting until the day before or the day of to see if XAH was going to exercise his visitation, and I'm grateful for that.
But sh-t! Really? Telling the X wife who, had to go on the stand and testify about his abusive behavior over almost 10 years of marriage, not to mention dealing with his alcoholism, that it was an emotional day. And THEN asking what the he is supposed to turn in? Really? Seriously. This seems like a good idea?
Sounds like she's taking care of everything XAH is supposed to do with regards to his divorce and custody responsibilities. It's official. I suspected, but now I know, he's found his codie enabler.
I am thankful she's around, unwittingly helped the judge see how much of an alcoholic and liar XAH is, she has already contacted me about this weekend as a visit supervisor... so she's already ahead of the game, because this past fall, I was always waiting until the day before or the day of to see if XAH was going to exercise his visitation, and I'm grateful for that.
But sh-t! Really? Telling the X wife who, had to go on the stand and testify about his abusive behavior over almost 10 years of marriage, not to mention dealing with his alcoholism, that it was an emotional day. And THEN asking what the he is supposed to turn in? Really? Seriously. This seems like a good idea?
Sounds like she's taking care of everything XAH is supposed to do with regards to his divorce and custody responsibilities. It's official. I suspected, but now I know, he's found his codie enabler.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
my daughter actually wound up being able to deal with the new gf far better than the X and the daddy. My daughter felt that the gf "deserved" better! LOL
But it was the gf who saw that the responsibilities were met...support, insurance, visitation etc.
Daughter and X couldn't have a civil conversation! so, it all went through the gf.
fair, I dunno. but it worked out.
Yes, the X escapes responsibilities once again! gripes my butt, but that is why we leave them, right, so that we don't have to go there anymore.
sigh.
hang tight.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
But it was the gf who saw that the responsibilities were met...support, insurance, visitation etc.
Daughter and X couldn't have a civil conversation! so, it all went through the gf.
fair, I dunno. but it worked out.
Yes, the X escapes responsibilities once again! gripes my butt, but that is why we leave them, right, so that we don't have to go there anymore.
sigh.
hang tight.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
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So glad I didn't respond to her e-mail.... She just e-mailed saying it was probably 'inappropriate' to ask me and she has called my lawyer. Isn't it nice to know XAH has some one to hold his hand and take care of all the details for him? (snerk) At least now I'll be getting child support payments - well, until he quits this job because they disrespected him, don't have enough work for him, or get mad because he does too much work.... 
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Sounds like she's taking care of everything XAH is supposed to do with regards to his divorce and custody responsibilities. It's official. I suspected, but now I know, he's found his codie enabler.
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
Look at it this way: That means he has someone else to manipulate and treat like cr*p. You're off the hook. She's an adult and is making her own choices.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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Well it looks like he's found a very good codependent. I am happy you are out of that mess. Will she take good care of DS or call you to come get him if xah starts to drink?
Isn't it sad and pathetic that other woman wind up taking care of our children because their father cannot. My xah has a couple new codependents lined up for that job. His first ex-wife (I guess she did not learn anything from her time with him or decided to forgo therapy) and one of his church lady friends. Although I find them both extremely annoying I know they are both good moms so know my kids are someplace safe if they are with them.
Isn't it sad and pathetic that other woman wind up taking care of our children because their father cannot. My xah has a couple new codependents lined up for that job. His first ex-wife (I guess she did not learn anything from her time with him or decided to forgo therapy) and one of his church lady friends. Although I find them both extremely annoying I know they are both good moms so know my kids are someplace safe if they are with them.
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Originally Posted by HoopNinja
I am happy you are out of that mess.
Originally Posted by HoopNinja
Will she take good care of DS or call you to come get him if xah starts to drink?
I go back and forth. I'm having a hard time trusting her because
- I don't know her
- She met XAH and he moved in with her and her 2 kids that same month
- She took him back and is keeping him after several major lies came to light.
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty
She met XAH and he moved in with her and her 2 kids that same month
Me, I think my days of rescuing are over-at least I hope they are.
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Originally Posted by Live
duh! I forgot about the no contact. sorry!
So, he used her to try to get around it.
seen that one before too.
So, he used her to try to get around it.
seen that one before too.
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