Time4Me1

Hi Everyone!
My mom is 63 years old and a very educated and proud women. She has been a closet alcoholic for many years and recently has become very bad (passing out, not remembering things etc.) She has expressed to several of us that she has a hard time relating to the people in her groups. Many are drug addicts, some dealing with some pretty heady stuff!! I have heard other people say that they didn't feel they belonged there and that they weren't like the others in that their problems weren't as bad etc.

My question is....how do I respond to this? I have said that she should not be comparing herself to others, and have said that they are all similar in their addictions thus the reason why they are there. Any other words of wisdom?? I hope she doesn't use this as an excuse to stop going!!!

JackNWA

The first time I went into a support group meeting I went in with the goal of proving to myself I wasn't like "them". But I kept going back to meetings, and reading literature, and over time was able to accept that in fact I was not any different to any of them in terms of my alcoholims. The only advice I can give is to ask her to try and keep and open mind, and to look for the similarities, not the differences. There are also many groups around, she might want to try a different one.

Phoenixthebird

Time4Me1
Your mom's reaction of feeling like she doesn't fit in is a natural human feeling. You wrote "My mom is 63 years old and a very educated and proud woman." She may actually be the one that is acting all superior and aloof around the members in her groups. I would recommend that she just be herself at the meetings, and start opening up at the meetings. You didn't mention the ages of the other members. She may be feeling that there is an age disparity between herself and the other members of the group. I mentioned this because sometimes I have felt this way. However, I have, also, found younger people can make good friends. They value me for my vast years of experience and I value them for their fresh and renewing ideas.

In doing so I learned two very important things that kept me on my track in my recovery:

1. Listen for the similarities rather than the differences.

2. Don't leave until the miracle happens.

Each one of us as human beings need to feel we are valued and to feel like we "fit in". There are some things that we can do for ourselves to help us achieve these goals. The things that help the most are the things that are most difficult to do. But there’s a difference between difficult and impossible.

Start small and stay focused. The key to recovery is to start with a few small goals and slowly build from there. Draw upon whatever resources are available. Take things one day at a time and reward yourself for each accomplishment. The steps may seem small, but they’ll quickly add up. And for all the energy you put in to your recovery, you’ll get back much more in return.

Getting the support you need plays a big role in lifting our moods and keeping it away. On your own, it can be difficult to maintain perspective and sustain the effort required to beat the addiction. But the very nature of addiction makes it difficult to reach out for help. However, isolation and loneliness make our moods even worse, so maintaining close relationships and social activities are important.

In order to to value ourselves, we have to nurture ourselves. This includes making time for things you enjoy, asking for help from others, setting limits on what you’re able to do, adopting healthy habits, and scheduling fun activities into your day. Do things you enjoy (or used to) While you can’t force yourself to have fun or experience pleasure, you can choose to do things that you used to enjoy. Pick up a former hobby or a sport you used to like. Express yourself creatively through music, art, or writing. Go out with friends. Take a day trip to a museum, the mountains, or the ballpark.

Have your Mom do some of the following:
Spend some time in nature.
List what she likes about herself.
Read a good book.
Watch a funny movie or TV show.
Take a long, hot bath.
Listen to music.
Take care of a few small tasks.
Play with a pet.
Write in her journal.
Do something spontaneous.

Push yourself to do things, even when you don’t feel like it. You might be surprised at how much better you feel once you’re out in the world. Even if your sadness doesn’t lift immediately, you’ll gradually feel more upbeat and energetic as you make time for fun activities.

Adopt healthy lifestyle habits
Aim for 8 hours of sleep. Sadness typically involves sleep problems. Whether you’re sleeping too little or too much, your mood suffers. Get on a better sleep schedule by learning healthy sleep habits. Expose yourself to a little sunlight every day. Lack of sunlight can make our moods worse. Make sure you’re getting enough. Take a short walk outdoors, have your coffee outside, enjoy an al fresco meal, people-watch on a park bench, or sit out in the garden.

Practice relaxation techniques. A daily relaxation practice can help relieve our sadness, reduce stress, and boost feelings of joy and well-being. Try yoga, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation.

Eat a healthy, mood-boosting diet
What you eat has a direct impact on the way you feel. Aim for a balanced diet of protein, complex carbohydrates, fruits and vegetables.

Challenge negative thinking
Negative thinking puts a spin on everything, including the way you see yourself, the situations you encounter, and your expectations for the future. Just thinking happy thoughts or wishful thinking won’t cut it. Rather, the trick is to replace negative thoughts with more balanced thoughts.

Think outside yourself. Ask yourself if you’d say what you’re thinking about yourself to someone else. If not, stop being so hard on yourself. Think about less harsh statements that offer more realistic descriptions. Keep a “negative thought log”. Whenever you experience a negative thought, jot down the thought and what triggered it in a notebook. Review your log when you’re in a good mood. Consider if the negativity was truly warranted. Replace negatives with positives. Review your "negative thought log". Then, for each negative thought, write down something positive.

Raise your emotional intelligence
Emotions are powerful. They can override thoughts and profoundly influence behavior. But if you are emotionally intelligent, you can harness the power of your emotions. Emotional intelligence isn’t a safety net that protects you from life’s tragedies, frustrations, or disappointments. We all go through disappointments, loss, and change. And while these are normal parts of life, they can still cause sadness, anxiety, and stress. But emotional intelligence gives you the ability to cope and bounce back from adversity, trauma, and loss. In other words, emotional intelligence makes you resilient.

Emotional intelligence gives you the ability to:
Remain hopeful during challenging and difficult times
Manage strong feelings and impulses
Quickly rebound from frustration and disappointment
Ask for and get support when needed
Solve problems in positive, creative ways
Learn how to raise your emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence gives you the tools for coping with difficult situations and maintaining a positive outlook. It helps you stay focused, flexible, and creative in bad times as well as good. The capacity to recognize your emotions and express them appropriately helps you avoid getting stuck in depression, anxiety, or other negative mood states.

Know when to get additional help
If you find your moods are getting worse and worse, seek professional help. Needing additional help doesn’t mean you’re weak. Sometimes our negative thinking can make us feel like we’re a lost cause, but our negative thoughts can be treated and we can feel better!

A journey of a 1,000 miles begins with the first step!

keepinon

I sure as he$% didn't want to be like "those people" in the alanon meetings..I was sure they were all addicts themselves and raised their kids horribly..I was middle class, educated, did social work..surely unlike them..WRONGo and after being there about 10 minutes I decided I wanted to be like "them" they wer happy and functioning as opposed to me who was a hot mess.
My RAD told me that she hung out with "the high class heroin users"in our town and pointed out the "lower class" users at an NA meeting right b4 she left for rehab..wow..talk about denial.Have your mom try a few differnt meetings..if she says she's not like "those people" a couple of respnses could be "YET" or.."No, you're not, they are actively working a recovery program instead of finding reasons to continue to use.'..

Babyblue

The funniest thing that happened to me was when the RABF had problems with an AA group because "they were all homeless, I didn't fit in".

Nevermind that he had been sleeping outside, and homeless himself.

Not sure that being homeless with a college degree feels any different in the cold weather than not but 'ok'. It all is pretty sucky to me! Did he use his diploma as a pillow maybe to be more comfy on the bench?

Terminal uniqueness is the label

Floss

Hi Time.

Your post reminds me of the time my exADFH used to say he wasn't anything like the people in AA. He was different. Anyway, time has gone on and he admits he is chronically addicted to alcoholism.

I agree, if your mum looks for the similarities instead of the differences, this could help. It's probably quite a daunting prospect for you mum to attend AA if she's never been before...If she gives it time, I'm sure she'll find a welcoming group of people. A group of people, I've found, who if active in their recovery and working the program, are saner and happier than most people 'out there'.

I think it probably is human nature to compare ourselves to others. A strange phenomenon my ex and I have noticed as a result of his alcoholism, is that so many people we know, who are active in their alcoholism, compare themselves to him! They put him on the extreme end of the scale and place themselves where they'd like to believe they are... I just shake my head (to myself) when I hear people doing the comparison. "Oh, I'm not like him....I can stop". "If I was like him, I'd never drink...". "He's much, much worse than I am..." "He has no business drinking". "Is he getting help for his drinking?" "He'll never stop". Some of the people drink around the clock like my ex, have been caught DUI, have been arrested and charged with violent offenses resulting from their drinking, but they (usually) don't suffer from psychosis like my ex does, therefore they say how 'bad' he is and how much 'better' they are. It really is very strange....

Anyway, back to your post. I wish you mum all the best in her recovery....

Eight Ball

Not much more to add other than my AH has also used the classic 'I dont fit in, they are all worse than me'. I just wanted to post so that you can see that it is a very common theme, usually right before they relapse! Mine is drinking again, and I am 'leaving him to it' this time, so no words of wisdom for you. But I have read a few useful posts above.

Cyranoak

...it's only recently she has fully engaged in AA, gotten a sponsor, and admitted she was powerless over alcohol. I never thought I'd see the day.

Now she doesn't miss a meeting and will tell anybody who asks that it saved her life.

It doesn't mean she'll never drink again, but it is unlike anything I've ever seen in her before, and I've never seen her fully immerse herself in a program she is not the boss of and does not control-- it's humility. I've never seen humility in her but I see it today, and every day.

Most importantly, she did all this on her own and the only thing I did besides attending Al-Anon for seven years was no longer cleaning up her messes, no longer keeping her secrets, and no longer protecting her from the consequences of her alcoholic behavior.

Good luck. I wish the best for your mom.

Cyranoak

theuncertainty

Hi, Time4Me. I don't know how to respond either, just wanted to share that XAH and his GF both thought/think he's better than 'those people at AA', addiction counseling or DV counseling, because he's not court ordered to be there and isn't as bad as them. I wonder what excuse he'll have now, because he is court-ordered for at least the DV counseling.

Time4Me1

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and experience on this! I notice that this is a common complaint for addicts. I just want to be able to support her feelings but gently remind her that we are all similar in out human weaknesses regardless of our social and economic status!

keepinon

Also, if she goes to enough meetings , she will find people pretty darn close to her situation.My high funcitoning friend in her mid fifties ..no arrest..no duis..no domestic violence started attending meeting about 8 months ago..she tells me there are lots of peeps like her in there..she could easily try a diierrnt meeting every night of the week..guarantee there are high functioning suburban seniors in the program..but the point really is getting over that comparing mentality.

keithj

I'm going to butt in here because I didn't see it mentioned yet. How do you respond to someone else's feelings about their own recovery environment? Simple, you don't respond at all. It's hers to deal with, not yours.

From a few years of working with other alcoholics, I can tell you that not only will you be doing the right thing for your own co-dependent recovery, but you'll probably be helping her by staying out of it.

keepinon

I do think you have a point Keith..a nice "hmmm" might be in order. My friend said that she was complaining to her adult daughter about how hard it is to stop drinking, etc and her daughter said "go to meeting" and changed the subject! She took the hint!

BTB

Well my first post here. Your posted touched me.

Three weeks ago after my wife came home Friday night a 1:30 and didn't come home Saturday night I had enough and on Monday I filed for divorce and got a TRO against her. Of course I almost went to jail when she found that I had filed and the sh$# hit the fan. Fortunately the time I had allegedly abused her, I had just left the court clerks office and the clerk confirmed I was there.

Today she has been calling none stop even with the TRO in place. It's hard not answering the phone. I could turn her in, but don't want to send her to jail even if tried to spend me there. I want to help her, but I realize after years of abuse, I have to save me too.

Right now I am not willing to drop the divorce and feel I should not. As my lawyer says, you can always get back togther later if she does really turn around.

Anyway she sent me an email saying she has joined AA, has a sponser, and her first meeting is next Sunday. Of course I have heard all kinds of broken promises so many times over the last 10 years, I just sort of figure it's just another false hope on my part. Plus I seldom have a drink and developed a very low tolerance for being around people who do.

I plan to start going to AlAnon next week following a recommendation from a friend who said AlAnon changed her life.

Oh the name BTB is because I couldn't think of any cool and my stress level is about 9.9 on a scale of 10 when I found this site and registered. Just thought Been There Before (BTB). I am really glad I found the site.