froglegs

Ugh....that's all I have to say is ugh.

Well, I have been divorced from my A for almost 5 months now...
The manipulation and mind games have gotten progressively worse...
I have received a total of 1 child support payment, he is now defaulting on the agreement to make payments on the truck (in my name so it's my responsibility) I have been basically chasing him around for the last week, with no response on his end to try and figure out what is going on.
he has been served with court papers at my house from the IRS and other creditors in the last couple weeks, he is not working..he is collecting unemployment (I think)..things are looking pretty grim....

I really need to figure something out and get proactive on this but for some reason I can't. I have a garage full of his stuff that I have asked him over and over to come and get..I have his 4 wheeler, weight equipment, boat, tool chests and a ton of other stuff just sitting in my garage...It's getting cold here in MI and I would really like to park my car in there! My friends advise me to sell his stuff and get the money he owes me for child support and his truck payment, but I FEEL BAD....
Why in the world should I feel bad about someone who is obviously not concerned about mine and the kids well being...
Financially I am sinking, trying to afford the mortgage, car payments, utilities, groceries, childcare for 2 kids while I work all on my own....I can't do it much longer!

My friends are all getting frustrated with me, saying that I need to give it back to him, sell his stuff, write him off and get on with my life. Until I stand up to him he is going to continue to use MY house as a storage unit for his stuff....

I dont know why I cant stand up for myself with him...He is totally screwing me and the kids and I cant find the strength to do anything about it...or is there anything I can even do? I am worried about Christmas, I haven't even started shopping for the kids yet..I have never been in this prediciment and I feel more resentful and angry than ever...isn't this why I got divorced?

I am sure some one has experienced this...what did you do?
What can I do?

HELP!!!

Redheadsusie

I am sorry you are dealing with this - It is rotten what he is doing to you and especially the kids but it does not surprise me. He is making his position pretty clear that you and the kids are not his priority . I raised my boys after first AH screwed us over and I learned that I am pretty much all my kids have- I am grateful I raised them by myself and would not trade it for anything. It was not easy but you have to put them and you first or who will? You can do this- People take from us what they can and until we say - No- I have had enough ! They will stomp on us if we let them! You are stong ~ Have faith in yourself! You and your kids can have a peaceful happy holiday season! Much peace to you!

pixilation

Consult your lawyer about selling the items first, make sure you wouldn't get into trouble with the law should he later on decide he wants the items back. Then if it's all good, sell them!

Pelican

Take a deep breath!

Again.

Ok.

Why are you trying to get an alcoholic to take responsibility?

Your divorce gave you the legal right to take control of your life. You are no longer responsible for the consequences of his life.

Here are some suggestions for taking control of your life:

Your last message to X concerning his stuff: Did you tell him to get it by _____ date? Does your divorce decree mention his stuff?

If both answers are no, then send an e-mail, text and leave a voice mail:
"Your stuff that is currently stored in my garage will be put outside at 6 p.m. today. I am no longer responsible for your personal belongings."

Get help dragging his stuff out of the garage tonight and park your car inside the garage. It is YOUR GARAGE.

Who is driving the truck?
Does your divorce decree say he needs to transfer ownership into his name?

If you do not have legal paperwork putting ownership of the truck on his shoulders, you are legally responsible for the payments and insurance.

If the truck is in your name, on your insurance, then you need to be in possession of the vehicle. Get it. Sell it.

This is your one precious life FrogLegs.
You are important.
Your life matters!

Make yourself (and your children) your priority!

Jazzman

What she said. This deserved more than a thanks button.

nodaybut2day

Perhaps you are unable to take action because you are still stuck trying to be the good guy and take the moral high ground.

Stop now.

You have children to feed and clothe and house. There's no question here: he is NOT going to help you or the children. It's up to you to do what it takes to provide for them.

I agree that it's best to consult your lawyer before selling his stuff, but Pelican's suggestion about giving him until X time to get his crap or it'll be sitting outside is a sound one. You no longer have any obligations towards his possessions.

lillamy

I'm with Pixi. Consult your lawyer, and if all's well, sell his sh..tuff.

TakingCharge999

Here is hoping you peace, clarity and hope today for yourself and your children.

This will pass but first you need to "take charge" (it would be great if I also take my own advice!)

Hugs!

coyote21

Been divorced for 4+ years with custody of my 9yo daughter. One day it occurred to me why I wouldn't stand up to/say no to my axw.

I was afraid she'd get mad, and wouldn't like me anymore. How foolish does that look in black and white? Pretty sure she quit liking me a long while ago, and who the hell cares if she's mad? Really.

Now days I do what I need to, to take care of myself and my daughter, if she doesn't like it she can "sh!t and fall back in it"! (We used to say this 100 years ago, was reminded in the other thread, ha)

Oh, and she's never paid a nickel in child support, and hasn't worked in over 5 years. So I don't count on any financial input from anyone. We will survive.

And I learned a lot about court ordered divorce stipulations this time around too. Doesn't matter what the judge says, the alcoholic will do as they please. It's up to US to enforce the decisions. That was quite an awakening.

Sounds like you are still trying to protect HIM. At one point I realized I was still protecting my grown alcoholic wife, at the expense of my own, and more importantly, my child's welfare.

My 5yo daughter needed and deserved my protection, NOT my grown wife. Once I got that mindset, my path became much clearer, and decisions became much easier.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Phoenixthebird

froglegs,*************************

It's time to become a Mama Grizzly Bear!

froglegs

Perhaps you are unable to take action because you are still stuck trying to be the good guy and take the moral high ground.


Wow...did you hit the nail on the head.....as soon as i read that that is exactly how I felt. I dont want anyone "mad" at me....I am gonna get tough, he is not mine to protect anymore...I do have to look out for me and my kids and squash anyone or anything that tries to manipulate or prevent that from happening. I think I proved my strength staying married for 11 years to that man, and I dont have to be nice or take it anymore.

Thanks for the replies, I appreciate all of your input! I like to get the perspective of people who have been there done that!

vujade

Great thoughts for you in this thread. I have to tell you that I had to double check and make sure I wasn't the one who your post...LOL!

Honestly. STBXAH moved out July 11th and I have a still have a house full of his clothes and other belongings, because of the BK we went through last year, his truck payment is automatically deducted from my check (but he has the truck) along with the insurance, and his health insurance is through my job. Each month he owes me money for child support and the direct expenses listed above. He is two months behind. In that time he has purchased a gym membership, golf clubs, compound bow, clothes, rounds of golf...oh...and beer. And for some reason *I* felt guilty when I called to ask when money was coming or remind him to get his stuff.

So...my point in telling you this is that I finally realized that *I* was allowing this behavior. As was said above...it is futile to try to get an active addict to take responsibility. So, I took his clothes out of my closet and packed them in boxes in the basement. I called the BK attny and started the process for returning the truck and abating & reducing BK payments. I took advantage of open enrollment and took him off of my health insurance as of Jan 1 (I swear it took me 30 minutes of "reviewing" to actually submit the change because of my good old friend Guilt...sheesh). Then I sat down and wrote a letter with bullet points explaining all of this as well as giving a date for him to get his possessions.

GUILT GUILT GUILT. How is he going to get to work so he can pay me? How will he drive the kids around? Where is he going to put his stuff (he is living with his parents)? I fought the temptation to remind him that he really should schedule some doctors appts before his insurance is gone. But I pushed my girl Guilt aside and kept moving forward. And now...I'm psyched that I get $1150 back into my paycheck next month. And I realize that I DESERVE freedom from him "needing to run by the house and get some stuff". It is MY house. And whereas I felt a huge amount of guilt when the motion was filed about the truck...guess what?? He has come up with another truck. Go figure.

And I am FRRRRREEEEEEEEEEE! Believe me...push through that guilt. When you get to the other side of sanity, it feels GREAT!

Jazzman

What he said. This deserved more thank the thanks button.