Living in a Time Bomb--Need Advice--Before It Explodes!
 

This thread is a continuance of my previous thread entitled "When Adult Children Become The Parents!" It feels like my situation keeps deteriorating. I'm not sure if my dry drunk husband has suffered a fractured neck or a pinched nerve in his neck. However, he's not handling the pain very well. I'm pretty sure a lot of it he's dramazating just for attention. He's always felt like he should be the focus point of our family. He's been to the military hospitals and to his primary care provider here in town and he believes they are not treating him properly. I don't know what to think!

He's being very difficult to be around. I'm trying very hard to keep my mouth shut because it seems everything I say will set him off. Goodness knows, keeping a codependent's mouth shut is not an easy task! (LOL) My 19 year old son (grandson) can be a handful, even on a good day! My DDH has never been a good role model for him. There has always been a lot of animosity between my DDH and my 19 year old. My 35 year old son and I are doing the best we can to keep these two apart. We both fear their animosity could lead to a physical fight.

I have contacted my DDH's psychriatrist, and now I was able to contact the doctor treating his neck. I had previously posted that I'm afraid my DDH is suffering from some type of dementia. His personality has been in a downwards spiral ever since I suffered my massive stroke. However, nothing that I have tried to get help has not been successful. Everything that I have tried to do to get help seems like it has backfired on me!

My current attempt to try to get some help was to contact the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services. My email to them and their response is posted below. Since everything that I have tried in the past seems to have backfired on me, I'm scared of doing anything!

To: Office of Consumer Affairs

Subject: Need Assistance

Message:
I a 58 year old female currently in a 39 year marriage. I suffered a life changing massive stroke in DEC 2009. From DEC 23rd until JAN 8th I suffered from vascular dementia. I was then transferred to the Warm Springs Rehab Hospital for another two weeks before my discharge to my house. I have suffered immobility problems and can not move around very easy without my power chair.

When I came home the only member of my family I could rely upon was my 35 year old son. I begged my husband on several occasions to take time off from work to help arrange my house so I could maneaver around. He just didn't listen! I had the services of ----- Care Inhome Care Services. However, I had these services discontinued because I was to embarrassed to having anyone come into my house.

I made a self-referral to the TDPS, and S----- M------- T------- made a home study. The last thing I heard her say was that she was going to keep my case open, and she would talk to my husband. This never happened, and I certainly don't want her services any longer! Then to complicate my situation even further add in a 19 year old grandson in our house. My grandson has become a handful. He needs to have anger management therapy. My daughter, his mother, completed suicide May 16, 1995. She suffered from schizo-effective disorder. I'm afraid he might have inherited some of her traits.

Now fast forward to the present time! My husband's and my relationship has continued to deteriorate. We had a fight last Wednesday night and he ended up spending the night at a Motel 6 here in town. Somehow he managed to fall in the shower and ended up fracturing his neck. I realize he's in pain, but everyone in the house has to walk on eggshells. One of my major concerns is trying to keep my grandson and my husband apart. I have to try to keep my mouth shut because anything that I might say will set him off.

It's like a bomb waiting to explode! I'm at my wits end! Anything that I have tried seems to have backfired. I've talked to my husband's psychriatrist, and now I was able to contact the doctor treating his fractured neck. However, now he talks about these doctors with resentment and anger. I'm pretty sure my husband doesn't know that I originally talked to the doctors first. I JUST don't know what to do! Any help would be appreciated. Please email me because he monitors all the phone calls coming into the house.

ANSWER:
This information sounds concerning; however, you did not include any specific locating information in your e-mail. Please call our hotline at 1-800-252-5400 if you are able to so an intake worker can discuss these issues with you and let you know how our agency can help. The hotline is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You can also use our online reporting site at https://www.txabusehotline.org if you are unable to call us. Please contact 9-1-1 if you believe anyone is in immediate danger.

Now I'm asking for any words of advice or encouragement from my friends here on SR. Any words of advice or encouragement would be appreciated!

Thank You!
Phoenix

hmm. i think if it was me, i would try to go and stay somewhere else for awhile...your son's perhaps?

it that is not possible, i would call the 800 number and see if they can offer you some assistance.

in the meantime, i would stop trying to control the situation, put on a good set of headphones and go about my day. i would no longer monitor husband's medical situation. i would not try to prevent grandson and husband from coming to blows. i would let them attack each other and then when it was over, i would call the police. this might be just what you need to get someone out of the house and in a jail cell so that you get some peace. they are grown men. it's their decision how they behave.

naive

I think you need to be as honest as possible, here, Pheonix.
Call that number, get someone on the phone. Each time you have a correspondence, take the persons name, extension number, so you can keep moving forward with the same person.

I would actually emphasize that you fear for the tensions between husband and grandson.
I would emphasize that you are in a chair, and the house is not that accessible, and he will not help. I would emphasize that you fear he may be having mental issues.

If you want them to act, you must tell them you are afraid, that he and/or your grandson are unpredictable.

Is your 35 Y.o. son your only living child?

Can you ask for his help? Can you stay w him? Can husband go stay with him?

Thank you both for your responses. Unfortunately, we all four live in the same house. My 35 year old son is unemployed so he is still a very welcomed part of my daily life. I have lost my driving privileges due to my medical condition and I let my driver's license to expire. If it was just me, I would leave. However, I feel like I should protect my children, even at their ages, like a Mama Grizzley Bear would.

Hello Phoenix :)

I'm terribly sorry to hear of your situation. A few items you mentioned jump out at me, where I think you may be able to get some assistance.

That sounds like a very good plan. I suspect that when the pain in his neck gets large enough he will seek additional medical help on his own. If the military and the primary care were of no help, perhaps it was because of his attitude. I think you're doing the right thing by staying out of his way until he figures this out on his own.

Regardless of the embarrasement, it's not _your_ doing that your home is the condition that it is in. If you were to invite those people back they would document the situation you are in and take steps to help you. As long as you keep them out they will not know the truth, and just assume that everything is fine.

Well then take them _with_ you. As long as you stay, your children will stay, and things will only get worse.

That makes me _very, very_ uncomfortable. The situation you describe places you halfway to being a prisoner. May I suggest you have your son _take_ you to the nearest public service office or shelter so you can speak to them freely. They will help you explore your options and make a plan that meets your needs.

Because of your stroke, you are entitled to be at "the front of the line" in these matters. Perhaps you feel uncomfortable with that special attention. I know I sometimes do with my own disability. Nevertheless, it seems to that you have _earned_ the right to be at the front of the line because you continue to do your best in life in spite of disability. You are not one of those people that have a minor hangnail and demand disable parking plates. ( A pet peeve of mine :) )

You can get the assistance you need, but you're going to have to be willing to let them see the state to which your home has become as the result of your husbands' actions, and you're going to have to be pro-active for yourself and show up at _their_ office so they can't just send you back a form letter.

What do you think?

Mike :)

Well, I just called the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services' hotline. I had an intake interview over the phone. My DDH had taken off early this morning to go back to the ER for his pain in his neck.

It was through the ----- Care Inhome Care Services that my case was originally referred to the TDFPS. The original case worker who did the home study recommendation was for me to leave the house. She was ready and willing to help me do this. However, I wasn't ready to make such a drastic decision at that time. You know us codependents, we believe if only someone could just talk to the alcoholic surely they would see their wrong doings and be willing to make the necessary changes, Right?!

Unfortunately my plan to get my mouth shut isn't working out all that well. I had fallen asleep in the bed last night only to be woken up by my DDH. He was banging things around in the bedroom to take the garbage outside at 12:30 a.m. I woke up and wasn't very happy. No body would dare do that to him!

After I got woken up, I had a few minutes where I went in a very dark place in my thoughts. Somewhere I hadn't gone before, and with the Grace of God I don't want to stay at, or go back to. That's NOT me!

Please pray for me and my family!

You and your family are in my prayers, Phoenix. Every day.

Mike :)

This makes me uncomfortable as well,
mostly because limited mobility
also means
limited self defense.

*prayers*