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He's sober, but still lying

Old 12-07-2010, 12:29 AM
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He's sober, but still lying

My husband is newly sober, he just got out of rehab and collected his 2 month chip. Long story short, he also cheated on me for 6 months before he went to rehab, and the deception and lies around that issue were so damaging to me that I am traumatized and scared he will keep lying to me. Obviously, anyone who has lived or loved an addict has felt the sting and upheaval of lies; it's like the rug gets pulled out from under you over and over and over. Well, I was about to get off the rug - and leave - but then, he went to rehab and got sober, and now, I'm tentatively stepping near the rug; trusting slowly that he won't pull it again. Boy, it is risky business. For example, I know that he told his dad about the cheating, because I saw an email he wrote to him mentioning it. He didn't know that I knew. Today, after a long conversation about how he was done with lying and committed to honesty, I asked, "Does anyone in your family know about the cheating?" His answer, "No! Does anyone in your family know?" So I just get real quiet, and finally say, "But you don't tell me lies..." then he quickly said (as I'm leaving the room), "Well...my dad knows..." But, seriously? You're STILL lying? WTF does anything in life mean if you lie about it? I guess I was stupid to think that sobriety meant honesty. Also stupid to think I could trust again. Maybe he is just too green right now. I don't know. I just KNOW that all this second chance work we are doing with counseling and trying to save our marriage and everything WON'T WORK if he is STILL lying. How do you deal with the liars in your lives? How many chances do you give? I just don't want to get back on that rug!!!
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Old 12-07-2010, 04:46 AM
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Hi,

Welcome.

I spent several years giving chances that I wish in hindsight I did not give. For me it just prolonged the inevitable.

When trust is gone, it is really hard to build back. He is still lying, so there is not reason to build back trust right now, correct? Is this the life you want to live? If so, then okay. The lying is there. If you don't want to live with lying, you don't have to, but that means that you have to make some hard decisions about your current situation. You cannot control or change your husband. You cannot make him tell the truth or stop drinking. He has to not only want that, but take the steps he needs to accomplish that. It has to come from him, not you or it doesn't last.

By the way, you mentioned reading or seeing or knowing about your husband's email to his father and that he doesn't know that you know. As crazy as it is, (and I am just making an observation) if you are reading his emails without his permission/knowledge then you are not really being honest with your husband either.

We get sick when we are in sick relationships. We sometimes do things that are unhealthy because we are immersed in unhealthy things. For me when I removed the unhealthy situations, it took a few months but I started to feel better (more sane, less crazy, scared, paranoid and out of control). Now I see things clearer and recognize faster when faced with toxic junk.

Take Care
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Old 12-07-2010, 04:51 AM
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i deal with liars by assuming they are lying and not trusting any infromation from them. i also try to minimize my interaction with them or get them out of my life altogether. i also do not put myself in a situation where i am reliant on them in any way.
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Old 12-07-2010, 03:10 PM
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Ok, I'm going both ways with this one.
Addicts lie, period! He's only been sober 2 months and there is no way he's going to change in such a short time. It takes YEARS of spiritual recovery (12 steps) and AA and therapy to learn to stop lying. Lying is a survival mechanism for addicts.

You can stick around until he's spiritually healed where he will stop lying and cheating, or you can leave and find peace today.
He won't stop lying today because he doesn't know how to. You can't undo a lifetime of lying in a short time.

Rebuilding trust takes a lot of work on both ends. Him in recovery, you in recovery then in recovery together.
Ask yourself, what's easier, to leave and start over or put the work into this in hopes he will become a better person?

My ex was/is a liar and a cheater and once I caught him cheating, I was done! I left.
I did the AA, Al Anon (still do) and couples groups and therapy and he was sober close to 2 yrs and he still pathalogically lied to me and cheated.

It's a character defect which takes willingness and a lot of hard work to change.
Truthfully, addict just don't see lying as something all that bad
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Old 12-07-2010, 03:41 PM
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How do you deal with the liars in your lives?
I assume they are lying. I do not let them live with me. I minimize contact with them.
How many chances do you give?
I gave the last one two chances, but I was largely detached from this person and otherwise very stable in my life. I operate under the assumption that if a person cheats on me once, he will do it again. To me, no relationship with a man is worth risking my life. AIDS is fatal and HPV causes cervical cancer, which is also fatal. A cheater and a liar is a dangerous person. Love yourself and protect yourself from this man please.
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