The yelling idiot is back-rant
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
The yelling idiot is back-rant
I am divorced from the man and he got so much of my stuff you would think he would be dancing a jig. Nope. He always has to try to find some way to create chaos. He seem to not be happy unless he can make everyone else unhappy.
xah had the kids this weekend. He never told me when he was bringing them home but I told him I had plans Sunday afternoon and would not be home until 5:30. So what does he do. He calls me at 2:00 and leaves me a message that he will be dropping the kids off at 4:00. I call back and in a very diplomatic voice (really, it was!) reminded him I would not be home until 5:30 and added because I was going to a performance and was actually there at the time he called. The man I started seeing a couple months ago--who still seems normal, nice, honest, works for a living, does not appear to drink much or often, even compliments me---anyway he invited me to his 14 year old daughter's dance recital. I was a little nervous about it but it went off with no problems (even met his daughter's mom and she seems pretty normal). Plans without histrionics--I felt like a fish out of water (but it was a nice fish out of water feeling as opposed to that rock in the gut I felt anytime I went anywhere with xah because I knew he would find a way to ruin it for eveyone).
I hear nothing back. At 5:05 I get a phone call from him (I was actually only 3 minutes from my house) asking me where I am. I told him I was near my house (and did not bother saying what I wanted--like why are you 25 minutes early). When I got home he was acting weird--would not look at me or talk to me. Then I find out from the kids that he actually came to my house at 4:30 and started ranting because I was not home (but kids verify he got my message and did not know why he came to my house when he knew I was not going to be home until 5:30). Apparently he went on a rant about where was I and older DS volunteered that I had gone to my friend's daughter's dance recital. Then xah goes totally ballistic and starts grilling the kids about my friend (which is all the kids know because they don't need to know about my personal life unless it becomes a permanent thing in theirs). The only reason older DS even knows about my friend is because he almost answered the my cell phone one day (it's our house phone) and then asked me who Mr. X is-just told him he was a friend.
Now I am getting weird emails from xah-being all formal. It is older DS's birthday this weekend and he sends me the plans for the weekend (like it is some hourly scheduled thing as opposed to a kid's birthday party). Then sends me a message about the agreement according to the divorce-which was absurd because we had already made the exact arrangements 3 days prior and then sends me a message-please confirm. I just rolled my eyes and sent him back "nothing but the facts ma'am" and then was stupid and said You are paying for half the party and half the meal the next day--confirm? I felt like I was talking in morse code.
The man was, I am sure, unfaithful several times during our marriage and currently surrounds himself with groupies (both church groupies and his gig groupies) as well as having his 1st ex-wife hanging around--which I never ask about but he feels compelled to tell me. He's got his **** in a knot because I am seeing someone and not tossing it in everyone's face. Truly, younger DS knows zilch and older DS knows he is a friend. Why do I feel like I have to justify myself to this idiot. I am not married to him anymore and I am not going to tell him what I am doing the few moments when I don't have the kids with me. If I decide to have a friend (with benefits) it is none of his da** business!
Sorry, I am just pissed off that he thinks he can still yell at everyone like Baby Huey because for once in the last 13 years I am having fun. He cannot stand it.
Jerk! And of course he did not yell at me (because he knew I would tell him to **** off)--he yelled at the kids. I thought I got rid of the idiot when I divorced him. I did (sort of)-but unfortunately the kids did not.
Well if anything it erased any doubts I had in my mind that I might let him come over to my house Christmas morning when the kids open their presents. Why do I forget what an arse he is?
xah had the kids this weekend. He never told me when he was bringing them home but I told him I had plans Sunday afternoon and would not be home until 5:30. So what does he do. He calls me at 2:00 and leaves me a message that he will be dropping the kids off at 4:00. I call back and in a very diplomatic voice (really, it was!) reminded him I would not be home until 5:30 and added because I was going to a performance and was actually there at the time he called. The man I started seeing a couple months ago--who still seems normal, nice, honest, works for a living, does not appear to drink much or often, even compliments me---anyway he invited me to his 14 year old daughter's dance recital. I was a little nervous about it but it went off with no problems (even met his daughter's mom and she seems pretty normal). Plans without histrionics--I felt like a fish out of water (but it was a nice fish out of water feeling as opposed to that rock in the gut I felt anytime I went anywhere with xah because I knew he would find a way to ruin it for eveyone).
I hear nothing back. At 5:05 I get a phone call from him (I was actually only 3 minutes from my house) asking me where I am. I told him I was near my house (and did not bother saying what I wanted--like why are you 25 minutes early). When I got home he was acting weird--would not look at me or talk to me. Then I find out from the kids that he actually came to my house at 4:30 and started ranting because I was not home (but kids verify he got my message and did not know why he came to my house when he knew I was not going to be home until 5:30). Apparently he went on a rant about where was I and older DS volunteered that I had gone to my friend's daughter's dance recital. Then xah goes totally ballistic and starts grilling the kids about my friend (which is all the kids know because they don't need to know about my personal life unless it becomes a permanent thing in theirs). The only reason older DS even knows about my friend is because he almost answered the my cell phone one day (it's our house phone) and then asked me who Mr. X is-just told him he was a friend.
Now I am getting weird emails from xah-being all formal. It is older DS's birthday this weekend and he sends me the plans for the weekend (like it is some hourly scheduled thing as opposed to a kid's birthday party). Then sends me a message about the agreement according to the divorce-which was absurd because we had already made the exact arrangements 3 days prior and then sends me a message-please confirm. I just rolled my eyes and sent him back "nothing but the facts ma'am" and then was stupid and said You are paying for half the party and half the meal the next day--confirm? I felt like I was talking in morse code.
The man was, I am sure, unfaithful several times during our marriage and currently surrounds himself with groupies (both church groupies and his gig groupies) as well as having his 1st ex-wife hanging around--which I never ask about but he feels compelled to tell me. He's got his **** in a knot because I am seeing someone and not tossing it in everyone's face. Truly, younger DS knows zilch and older DS knows he is a friend. Why do I feel like I have to justify myself to this idiot. I am not married to him anymore and I am not going to tell him what I am doing the few moments when I don't have the kids with me. If I decide to have a friend (with benefits) it is none of his da** business!
Sorry, I am just pissed off that he thinks he can still yell at everyone like Baby Huey because for once in the last 13 years I am having fun. He cannot stand it.
Jerk! And of course he did not yell at me (because he knew I would tell him to **** off)--he yelled at the kids. I thought I got rid of the idiot when I divorced him. I did (sort of)-but unfortunately the kids did not.Well if anything it erased any doubts I had in my mind that I might let him come over to my house Christmas morning when the kids open their presents. Why do I forget what an arse he is?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I hear ya. 
Some people are such mega-idiots.
I've had incredibly similar experiences (minus the friend, I haven't dated anyone yet). I'm sure the kids got grilled about it on more then one occassion though and he spent lots of time accusing me of various indiscretions. We are divorced so accuse and indiscretion is not really the right words since I can have a boyfriend if I want one but you get the idea. He's finally quit barking up that tree so maybe there is hope for your xah.
He knew I wouldn't ignore the phone when he had the kids so I'd get 10 phone calls in a 6 hour trip if he knew I wasn't home. Try to be all polite and happy, yet very allusive, when you answer. That ought to irk him
I don't have to answer to azzhat so he didn't get a blow by blow of my plans, my day, which side of town I was on, what I was doing, who I was doing it with.
Some people are such mega-idiots. I've had incredibly similar experiences (minus the friend, I haven't dated anyone yet). I'm sure the kids got grilled about it on more then one occassion though and he spent lots of time accusing me of various indiscretions. We are divorced so accuse and indiscretion is not really the right words since I can have a boyfriend if I want one but you get the idea. He's finally quit barking up that tree so maybe there is hope for your xah.
He knew I wouldn't ignore the phone when he had the kids so I'd get 10 phone calls in a 6 hour trip if he knew I wasn't home. Try to be all polite and happy, yet very allusive, when you answer. That ought to irk him
I don't have to answer to azzhat so he didn't get a blow by blow of my plans, my day, which side of town I was on, what I was doing, who I was doing it with.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Just keep taking the high road and know that after the youngest is out of high school you'll probably only have to see your ex when your kids get married. Oh and your kids know the score. They'll be thankful that they had one sane parent.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
Wow, HoopNinja, considering your XAH's behaviors, you are handling things so well! (Sorry your kids have to hear your XAH's ranting & experience his chaos/unhappiness). I think the way you are handling things is setting an amazing example for your kids! (Hope you had a good time at the recital!)
I'm sure there are times you might want to rip your XAH's eyeballs out --don't blame you at all-- (and your posting here & getting support from those who understand are important), I just want to tell you that reading how you handled this was impressive! Kudos! Thank you for sharing!
Big hugs!
I'm sure there are times you might want to rip your XAH's eyeballs out --don't blame you at all-- (and your posting here & getting support from those who understand are important), I just want to tell you that reading how you handled this was impressive! Kudos! Thank you for sharing!
Big hugs!
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
I think this is just one more way for him to try to control me-uh, not working. In the past, just to avoid the yelling we all bowed to his wishes. I guess not getting the desired response is grating on him. Tough noogies.
naive I think you are right-formal and to the point is best. I have tried the "let's both be adults and make the kids our priority" road-not working.
Really his email sounded like he had gone over to his newest enablers house and she and he cobbled it together as he sat there. I am also sure he thought Mr. X was coming to the birthday party. Rolling eyes again. This was already discussed in mediation (since he could not get it through his thick skull and I did not want him bringing his skeezettes to birthday parties and Christmas). So I made arrangements in mediation that for family gatherings no outisde parties were invited unless they had become a permanent fixture in the other person's life. My kids have major abandonment issues-they don't need to even know people I date or xah dates unless living together/marriage is pending. Some how, I don't think marriage is on my "to do list" anymore (except as a way to get back at my sisters by forcing them to wear hideous bridemaid dresses-mwah, ha, ha, ha!)
naive I think you are right-formal and to the point is best. I have tried the "let's both be adults and make the kids our priority" road-not working.
Really his email sounded like he had gone over to his newest enablers house and she and he cobbled it together as he sat there. I am also sure he thought Mr. X was coming to the birthday party. Rolling eyes again. This was already discussed in mediation (since he could not get it through his thick skull and I did not want him bringing his skeezettes to birthday parties and Christmas). So I made arrangements in mediation that for family gatherings no outisde parties were invited unless they had become a permanent fixture in the other person's life. My kids have major abandonment issues-they don't need to even know people I date or xah dates unless living together/marriage is pending. Some how, I don't think marriage is on my "to do list" anymore (except as a way to get back at my sisters by forcing them to wear hideous bridemaid dresses-mwah, ha, ha, ha!)
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Oh yeah, my AH did this too during his affair if he suspected I was seeing someone. It's bizarre. And it's all just a game.
Best thing ever is when you stop playing and look at him like a fool running with a ball with no one to pass it to. they just keep running..
Best thing ever is when you stop playing and look at him like a fool running with a ball with no one to pass it to. they just keep running..
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Ninja, sweet corn, we should compare notes because I could swear we've been married to the same man! 
(And is it terribly wrong that I giggled at the expression "church groupies"? My XAH has some of those, too!)
And the e-mails -- yeah, I get those, too. They go between aggressive fight-picking (which I've learned to walk away from, yawn about, and ignore) to quotations from the divorce agreement that he thinks should make me do something he wants me to do.
I wish it was as easy as the controlling ending when the marriage did. Unfortunately, we're stuck with these people until the kids turn 18. Let's make sure we know, and they understand, how little power they have over us anymore.
(And is it terribly wrong that I giggled at the expression "church groupies"? My XAH has some of those, too!)
And the e-mails -- yeah, I get those, too. They go between aggressive fight-picking (which I've learned to walk away from, yawn about, and ignore) to quotations from the divorce agreement that he thinks should make me do something he wants me to do.
I wish it was as easy as the controlling ending when the marriage did. Unfortunately, we're stuck with these people until the kids turn 18. Let's make sure we know, and they understand, how little power they have over us anymore.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
No those church groupies are not as, um, what's the word I am looking for-well they are not nice girls
I am back to me again. I called him this morning and just ignored his morose tone of voice. Just called to let him know the kids stuff and older DS's meds are in the 2 bags in front of my house and to please let me know if we could go to the IEP meeting at the time the IEP teacher set up. I could tell he wanted to start a conversation. Nope. Left the info I needed, got the info I needed, said thanks and hung up.
A friend at work made a point--she said that he of course would be threatened, regardless of us being divorced, because 99% of the men out there would be better than him--and he knows it. She thinks he is afraid I will meet someone, who knows when, and the kids will get to see what a regular guy who is responsible is like and that is pretty darn threatening.
I told her I was not going to worry about it. I am just going to enjoy myself and have some fun.
I am back to me again. I called him this morning and just ignored his morose tone of voice. Just called to let him know the kids stuff and older DS's meds are in the 2 bags in front of my house and to please let me know if we could go to the IEP meeting at the time the IEP teacher set up. I could tell he wanted to start a conversation. Nope. Left the info I needed, got the info I needed, said thanks and hung up.
A friend at work made a point--she said that he of course would be threatened, regardless of us being divorced, because 99% of the men out there would be better than him--and he knows it. She thinks he is afraid I will meet someone, who knows when, and the kids will get to see what a regular guy who is responsible is like and that is pretty darn threatening.
I told her I was not going to worry about it. I am just going to enjoy myself and have some fun.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 138
Very similar experience!! Divorced but still trying keep things cool! UUghhh they just dont quit do they!! I have been divorced for 6 years and my ex would become unbarable when ever I was dating someone! I have had to sneak around and keep everything on the down low. How pathetic is that. After several years of this nonsense I just stopped worrying about it! My kids know that I deserve to find happiness, and tell him to stop it when ever he strats bad mouthing me. Just talk to the kids about your right to move on and teach them how to tell Dad to stop it when talking about you to them. soon enough the kids will grow up and there will no longer be this control over them to stick it to you. Hang in there and dont feel guilty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !! Its your one and only life!
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