Focusing on me= depression
 

Still new at focusing on myself and it is so hard. I told my AH (we are separated) friday that I was still going to consider myself single and be alone for a while even thought he said on thursday all that things I wanted to hear and that he had decided to quit drinking.

Now it feels like all I do is sit around and cry. I am so depressed. I feel so lonely and even though he wasn't there for me for the last few years now the reality of recognizing being alone is affecting me deeply. I am trying to focus on the now, but the truth is I want to be in a fulfilling relationship at some point and I don't know if it can ever be with him and that hurts.

l have also been thinking about the other parts of my life I don't love to think about. On top of having lost the dream of the perfect marriage I thought I had I also last November ended a friendship with my best friend of 15 years because her opiate use got out of control, she turned to heroin and eventually ended up stealing from my mother. I have been thinking about how much I poured my soul into her and now I am left with a lack of meaningful friendships in my life. The one friend I turned to the most during that loss is an alcoholic and I haven't really been seeing him now that I have split from AH because it is just too depressing and I don't want to be around that anymore.

I have been thinking about my xbf who I think was also an alcoholic as well as a schizophrenic that kept trying to commit suicide (about ten times in the two years I was with him) and why I was drawn to him. I think about my father who is a recovering (if you could call it that--he relapsed a month ago...hasn't gone back at least) crack/meth addict and what it was like for me as a child. It just seems like too much to process and I am not sure how much more I can really cope with. I used to think of myself as stable and happy and now I can't even understand how I thought things were so great in my life.

The worst was today when I was close to AH's house and I wanted to stop in and check in. I had this intense desire to see if there was evidence of drinking around the house. I stopped myself, but I think I wanted so badly to do it so I could distract myself. I am so tired of thinking about me. I want someone else to focus on. I want to see if he is drinking so that I can decide to either be happy (because he is not) or angry and justified in my aloneness (because he is).

I guess I thought focusing on me would mean being free from taking care of everyone else and would make me happy. Now I just feel like focusing on me is bringing up all the hurt I have struggled with my entire life and I feel horribly depressed. Is this common during the early stages of detachment and recovering from co-dependency?

Hi (hugs), sorry for your pain. I know this pain well.
All I can say is use up ALL of this energy and sadness you have and get yourself to Al Anon to figure you out. To figure out why you needed toxic people in your life.
I left my ex and many friends who were addicts as well. Only now with over a yr of al non and therapy under my belt am I seeing why I chose the people I did.

Being alone sucks at times and it can get tough, but it's during those lonely times were learn the most.

And yes, everything your feeling is very common.

Yes, I have felt the same way you do. And I had to finally focus on myself, and feel all the pain (which was unbearable at times) in order to get past it.

Everytime I wanted to call my exabf or check up on him after I moved out, I knew it would just be a distraction from my own feelings.

Good or bad...I have learned over time that I'd rather be sad all alone, than be sad because of what someone else does or does not do.

Al-anon teachings and a good therapist have helped me tremendously. And this forum. It does get easier, but in my experience, first I had to learn to just sit with the pain sometimes.

A hot bath, a good book, a great old movie, a visit to the library...you can have a great time figuring out what you like to do. One day at a time...it takes time.

oh geez, be kind to yourself! You've only been at this for a little while. Making that decision to focus on yourself is a huge one...tackling all the *stuff* that comes with taking a little tour inside your brain is even bigger.

I don't want to play armchair therapist here, but just from reading your post and from a total outsider's point of view, it seems you've spent a good deal of time and energy on other people, and perhaps not enough on yourself.

It's going to take some time to rebuild some healthy habits and stress coping mechanisms. Be gentle with yourself, especially when you feel depressed. I second the suggestion that you find some individual counselling. After the end of my marriage, it did me a world of good to have an hour a week where I could explore and vent all I wanted.

Yes, there will be old codie habits to deal with, but I strongly recommend Al-Anon, SR and journaling to counter those habits. There was a time that I posted here ten times a day about various stuff, just because I needed to know someone was there, listening, understanding. Eventually, my posting tappered off.

hi crystal-

in the beginning, take it one day at a time. one hour at a time if necessary.

this too will pass.

you have just been through a lot...be kind and gentle with yourself now...it's a big change but you will discover, it is indeed a change for the better.

consider this to be a journey...a journey to get to know yourself...many of us here have spent a lifetime caring for other people...we have to learn anew how to care for ourselves...

i found therapy very helpful. if i am honest, it is very painful also, but in a good way. the childhood harm, which we stuffed away, is good to release and it leaves you freer, lighter, stronger.

you will continue to find support here, crystal. lean on us, we are here for you and we do understand, having walked a mile in your mocassins.

try to do something special for yourself today....something you don't normally do...light a few candles to create some atmosphere...put some essential oils in the bathtub and have a long soak...take five minutes to sit with your eyes closed, just releasing everything...breathe out the old and breath in the new...easy does it...

take care of yourself like you would take care of a little girl who is upset and hurting...reach out to yourself with the same compassion you show to everyone else...

this too will pass. trust the process.

naive

Hi crystal - for all the people that you are now "losing" there are potentials for new people in your life, that will get you and may become your new best friends. I know, I know, it sounds tiring but its a gift you deserve.

The fact that you no longer want to be around toxic people is a sign of your progression.
PROGRESS not perfection. Real change is slowwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I hope you can get to therapy as someone who can guide you through this process is priceless.

Also, we are always alone, even when in a relationship. I have learned lately the only way to feel less alone is feeding my soul with beauty, with art, with nice music, with landscapes... basically, to talk to HP, take my time to see it, touch it, breathe it, listen to it.... THAT is what I was lacking. I hope you find a similar feeling according to your religion or viewpoints about your place and importance in the world...

Hugs

(((hugs)))

You know... somehow, sometimes it's easier to focus on everybody else's problems. Because at the end of the day, whether it's your AH's drinking or your friend's drug addiction, it's somebody else's problem and you can comfort yourself by feeling that, in comparison, your life is pretty together.

It is hard to start asking those questions -- why am I drawn to these people? What is it in me that makes me collect addicts? -- because you can't distance yourself from them when they're about you.

And that's why babysteps are necessary. I lecture myself every day and say: "You can't figure the rest of life out right now. Right now, you can figure out whether you want oatmeal or yogurt for breakfast. Let's start with that, and then move on to what you're wearing to work today."

One of my friends used to say, "Babysteps will get you there, if you take enough of them." Try that. Don't worry about who you will live happily ever after with right now. Worry about what you want for lunch. And how you can take care of yourself.

Everyone has already said so much, but can I ask, do you have children?
Because without kids, you can do pretty much whatever you want.
Can you think of this as an adventure? What sorts of things are you interested in? Go to the library, the zoo, the museum, go movie-hop all day long, take a class in whatever it is you are interested in and I cannot stress enough how important it is to EXERCISE! Get a good 20-30 minutes of whatever you love to do in every day. Elevate your heartrate and breathing. You'll feel better, it'll combat the depression and you'll get stronger physically.

You can do hard things. You are stronger than you know.
Love, Transformyself

Oh, and I should tell you that I chose this name for myself because I am transforming my suffering...

Yes I have a two and a five year old that I spend most of my time with.

This was /is the same here. The pain can be very hard at times. It is worth it, though. The more healthy I get- the more i see healthy people. People who do not seek out drama . People who take responsibility for their lives. People who will not get involves in craziness.

At the end we are responsible for ourselves. Walk very slowly through it. Be gentle and kind to yourself. It can be scary - BUT in the end you have to be your own best friend. Your life is ahead of you and you will have to do it sometime. We cannot (and believe me I tried) spend a lifetime running away from ourselves.

Hugs