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OT:Sad tonight- very long

Old 12-05-2010, 05:58 PM
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OT:Sad tonight- very long

Last night, I got news that my ex-husband (the last one) nearly died, and is not doing well at all. He was not an alcoholic, but anger, porn addiction, and verbal abuse was why I divorced him. He is diabetic, had a triple bypass, has high cholesterol, and high blood pressure.

When we began dating, i knew nothing of these conditions. After seeing things that told me something was wrong, he admitted them. I was worried about it, since he was obviously not well. He promised that he would do all he could to take care of his self. He was overweight, but at 6'4" , he carried it well. little did i know that i was going on the codie ride of my life!

I went to the library and got a stack of books on his conditions . I got him to a good doctor, and began to fix good meals , and got him to walk, etc. He was unsteady, due to neuropathy, and it soon became obvious that he was not going to be easy to manage-stupid girl- i thought i could make him care about his life. he was a new widower- lost his wife of 20 some years to cancer. i just wanted to help him in every way.

I had children , he did not. they became fond of him, and he of them. When the first grandbaby came, he went by "Poppy"- after his grandpa. my grandaughter loved him, so much as he loved her. we built a house together, my dream home, and he did not withhold anything i wanted. i am not a materialist person, but he was always generous. with everyone. it seemed like so many folks took advantage (his family).

I soon saw his temper. It was big and scary. He called me terrible names. I wanted to separate,but he begged and pleaded. I had found a stack of porn, and he said he was just setting me up, that i was controlling, and he knew i would snoop. i had done that, as i began to see behaviors, that told me that he was not able to keep his eyes to his self. i even began to notice that he looked at my girls in ways that made me feel uncomfortable.

we went to counselling. he finally admitted the leering at my girls. and said he was just "appreciating them". ugh. things did not get better. he worked out of town a lot. he spent money like water, and ate all the wrong things. would not even get help for his sleep apnea, until we had separate bedrooms for a year. he choked and made horrid noises all night. he was so terrible at caring for his self. i finally got him to get the c-pap machine. he was faling asleep at the wheel. and he denied it, so bad that i got anxiety and could not ride with him. he would scream at me, calling me dumb bi!ch, among other names. that i was crazy and messed up.

he was unable to perform in the bedroom, due to medical problems. that was the entire 5 years. i feel that his addiction to porn may have been due to this, maybe. it got so bad that i did not want my girls to even be around him, and then, there was not much reason to even be married anymore.

the sad thing is, there were times, we laughed so much. He could be so funny , and was almost always cheerful, (unless caught in a lie). we shared similar likes, and loved the grandbabies together. he would have done anything for anyone. since the divorce, i find that he lost most all of his money , his 55 chevy, his John Deere, everything, due to using it to buy approval. he loved being thought of as the good guy who would do anything for anyone. his family, friends, crack wh****s, etc, used him up. he just wanted so much to be liked, and of course, to have a womans company, that backfired too, for him. druggies sought him out, and he fell for many stories, i am sure in trade for something for his self, too.

all during our marriage, he would come home to a good healthy meal, with all treats he could have, and i would find out he ate a 15 course meal for lunch! all the bad stuff. never checked his sugar, unless nagged. i am not sure who was sicker during this time. but , we could have some really fun times, and laugh. we loved watching tv together, as he did not do anything but sit and watch tv, other than ride his beloved john deere.

two years ago, after our divorce was final, he got very ill. no one would help him, and so i went on an early vacation, sat with him in hospital, got his meds, got him home and cooked, gave meds, and wore myself out helping him. for he had no one. he got well enough to p*** me off, and i left. a week later, he and his sister forged my name on income taxes, and made things tough for me. he made it right financially, and i didnt press c harges.

we have occasionally spoken, and he asks about the grands. he visited them once, and they were so happy to see their "Poppy". My heart aches that they have had to lose someone they so unconditionally loved. I think he stayed away as he was sad to not see them often, and he seemed quite sick anyway. He got a bad staph, and i think that is why he did not visit them anymore, as it never healed for long as he would not take care of it- and i mean would not take meds, would not practice good sanitation- nothing good for his self.

So last night, I hear that he may be dying. This man called me worse things than you could imagine. he comes from a long line of the kind of folks that would have family feuds, cussing with every breath. he was different with me, than he was when we were with his family. they did not approve of anyone who was not family. i always wondered if they dont like anyone who marries in to the family, what do they want? to marry each other? who knows, but now, most are gone, early, from disease. they never seemed to fight their disease.. I am a fighter, and cannot imagine not fighting my damnest any disease, for me and for my family.

So now, I dont know how to feel. Why do I feel sad about some one who was so mean at times, and I threw names back that i never used before. I was so angry. I hated him. I wished him dead.
I am so angry that someone would rather die, that to have someone to love them. I did not feel very good about myself, like what is it that i dont have- why dance with death, and run with trash, when you had family who loved you?

now i just feel so sorry for him. he did not seem to care if he lived or not.
and now, it looks like it is completely out of his control.

I guess it still hurts. I feel like he rejected me, and what i had was of no real value. maybe the shallow things of this world were far more comfortable?

Thank you for reading this, as i just needed to talk. i have been so sad today.
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Old 12-05-2010, 06:16 PM
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Hey there chicory (((( hugs )))))

Originally Posted by chicory View Post
.... So now, I dont know how to feel. Why do I feel sad about some one who was so mean at times, ....
Well now why would you _not_ care? You are a kind, compassionate and giving woman. Of course you care, you care for the _good_ parts in him, the parts that were once worth loving. I don't see anything wrong with that at all.

I care for my ex, just like you. She has a lot of good in her. What I have to be careful of is to keep my love on the virtue side of the scale, and not let it back-slide into the codependency side where it becomes a defect.

Originally Posted by chicory View Post
.... I threw names back that i never used before. I was so angry. I hated him. I wished him dead. ....
That's what this disease does. It maks us into angry people, something we never would become otherwise. That's why I go to meetings, work the steps, have a sponsor. I don't want to become a sour, angry, spiteful person as a result of this disease.

Originally Posted by chicory View Post
.... I guess it still hurts. I feel like he rejected me, and what i had was of no real value. maybe the shallow things of this world were far more comfortable?....
I don't think he rejected you. I think the bad side of him rejects _everything_ good in the world. You just happened to be standing there. He would reject anybody else as well, not just you.

What you have _is_ of real value, but only to others who have the same kindness, compassion and willingness to give. He was a good man, like my ex is a good woman. They just let the bad side take over and turn them into something ugly.

Originally Posted by chicory View Post
.... Thank you for reading this, as i just needed to talk. i have been so sad today.....
I understand. It is very sad to watch someone destroy themselves. Me? I am getting much better at staying away from those people. I stay close to healthy, positive, kind folks. Like the ones here on SR

Mike
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Old 12-05-2010, 06:19 PM
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I'm sorry to hear of his declining health.

This was a part of your story. Who you are today.

Good/bad/fun/sad it's all there. A part of your life.

Gentle hugs (((Chicory))) as you process this information.
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Old 12-05-2010, 06:29 PM
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes View Post
Hey there chicory (((( hugs )))))

Well now why would you _not_ care? You are a kind, compassionate and giving woman. Of course you care, you care for the _good_ parts in him, the parts that were once worth loving. I don't see anything wrong with that at all.
(((Mike)))

Thanks for posting. It feels good to share. sorry that it is not pleasant tho.

you know, those good parts, they WERE there in him. they were real, even if the bad was real. guess we can have both.
thanks mike. you are a pal. thanks for the nice things you said too.

Last edited by DesertEyes; 12-06-2010 at 10:13 AM. Reason: fixed broken quote
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Old 12-05-2010, 06:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Pelican View Post
I'm sorry to hear of his declining health.

This was a part of your story. Who you are today.

Good/bad/fun/sad it's all there. A part of your life.

Gentle hugs (((Chicory))) as you process this information.
(((( Pelican))))

Thank you. A part of my life. I think I really did give him some happiness. We loved having Christmas together. He even loved my cats. That is big......
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Old 12-05-2010, 06:52 PM
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Chicory, it had a profound effect on me when my mom called to ask what my EXAH's name and age was. She found his obituary in the newspaper.

We had been divorced over 15 years when he died.

I still felt incredibly sad.

Sending you gentle hugs from Kansas.
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Old 12-05-2010, 07:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Chicory, it had a profound effect on me when my mom called to ask what my EXAH's name and age was. She found his obituary in the newspaper.

We had been divorced over 15 years when he died.

I still felt incredibly sad.

Sending you gentle hugs from Kansas.
(((freedom)))

That would be a shock, to hear it like that.

Thank you for the hugs,
they are greatly appreciated.
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Old 12-05-2010, 08:21 PM
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chicory, I am sorry that you are sad for the pending death of your previous husband. You and him spent five years together as husband and wife, and shared many things together during that time. You witnessed his good, the bad, and the ugly sides of him. I feel you are very sad for the good side of him; you're not concentrating on his bad and ugly sides. Your sadness is for the pending death of of his good side. The bad and ugly side of him is what you could not live with and ultimately divorced.

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