New here
 

Hello all!
I'm new here. My boyfriend is an alcoholic. I KNOW that I have to break things off with him. Why is it so hard for me? Why do I still love him when he is so very emotionally abusive? I know that those are not new questions. I know I am not unique in feeling them. I don't expect answers, I guess I just needed somewhere to vent.

Hi Jaded! Welcome! :wave:

Why do I still love him when he is so very emotionally abusive?

This is one if those magical statements that you can bring verbatim to a counselor or therapist and it will start unlocking doors in your mind and can change your life - if you're ready to start making changes!

Try AlAnon. Try therapy. Don;t beat yourself up for who you love, be gentle and figure out why you do what you do and how you can make some steps to change it - baby steps will still take you places.

Stick around-
Peace-
B

Thanks for the replies Bernadette and jds0401.
I do not live with my boyfriend. We live 80 miles from each other which in hindsight is probably a good thing. I am definately open to advice and other's similar stories. I guess I know down deep what I have to do and how far I have let this go, it is that I am just recently acknowledging it. I have read here for a bit before registering and I like how supporting it is without being a pity party. I guess I am seeing that I am letting him control how I feel about myself and I have to take that control back. Joining this forum is my first step in doing that. I'm sure not there yet, but I am working on my destination. Forgive me if I just post my rambling thoughts and feelings in this thread.

Hi Jaded and Jds!

Welcome to Soberrecovery!!

Welcome to the SR family Jaded and Jds!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

There is a wealth of information (and some of our stories) in the sticky/permanent posts at the top of this forum. I always find wisdom in those posts.

Glad you are here and taking steps to care for YOU!

hi jaded and jds-

you will find lots of understanding and support here. i think part of the reason it's hard to leave an alcoholic is fear that something bad will happen to them if we do. so we feel responsible.

however, they are grown ups. i had to take a good hard look at why i wanted to rescue someone. therapy helps me understand how this pattern developed when i was very young.

naive

In therapy I have found the answers of these questions and many more. I learned to be abandoned plain and simple. Please seek a therapist! Otherwise you may find yourself with someone similar only with a different body. That has happened to me many times. Its not worth it... only after therapy work have I felt worthy enough to take care of myself and expect respect from others.. basic plain respect. And to LEAVE RIGHT AWAY whenever I find someone toxic on my path (that's work in progress but at least I no longer want to marry them!).

Anyone who abuses another person is sick whether they drink or not. There is much more to this life than suffering. Life is not suffering. Another thing I learned in therapy - life is to be ENJOYED. What a concept!

Let yourself continue to nurture and grow in the knowedge that you ARE BEING ABUSED.
Let yourself grow angry, and let it stay.
Little bits at a time.
Pretty soon, you will be able to stay angry and not let the sad get you back into the cycle with him.
The more you feed your light, the more you will crave.
Do not be hard on yourself if you backslide.
This is a process.
You are seeing it, saying it(to us, at least...and that is huge).

Remember to focus on what you WANT, and not what you fantasize could be.

Keep posting and reading. Look back over some peoples posts.
You can do that by clicking on their name and find more posts.

hang in there.

Emotional abuse is sneaky. Because part of the abuse tactics is making you doubt that it really happened, doubt your perception of reality, and adopt the abuser's version of "what really happened."

One of my counselors talked about staying in an abusive relationship as "the slot machine effect": You've invested so much time, and maybe the next time you pull that lever, you'll hit the jackpot. Maybe if you give him just another week (month, year), he will change.

What I've found is that people who want to change will do it. Without prompting, without begging, without nagging.

You might have heard it before, but one thing I've heard at Al-Anon a lot is this: Alcoholism is an elevator that goes down to hell. You decide what floor you're going to get off on.

I love this post!!! I was feeling guilty because the only way I seem to be able to stay away from him is to stay angry! I do not want to live in anger, but if it takes a certain amount of time to feel rage in order to make myself break away I have to do that.