SashaMB

I spent some time talking to AH yesterday (we are separated), and he told me about Thanksgiving with his family (i.e. his parents' house). Now, this is the family who is very nice, but all about appearances, and they NEVER talk about problems or anything substantive at all. Since I moved out from AH about 6 weeks ago, he has told them about the alcohol issue. Of course, I don't know exactly what was said, but he did tell them that he has stopped drinking and he gave them all of his wine collection in order to get it out of the house.

AH told me that everyone was drinking at Thanksgiving and that he was kind of disgusted to be around all of the alcohol. Now, I don't know if AH really feels that way, or if he was just saying that for my benefit. But the thing about it that bothered me was WHY after hearing that their oldest son, whom they basically worship, has a drinking problem that has gotten severe enough that his wife has left him decides that it's more important to have the booze flowing than to show support for their son's first 30 days of sobriety. Not only that, but AH told me that his dad offered him a beer and really tried to talk him INTO drinking, saying that of course he should have one. What the hell kind of father does that???!!! Hi, your life is in ruin because of your drinking, but have a beer? That's like offering peanut butter cookies to someone you know is allergic to peanuts!

I know that people have varying opinions about whether non-alcoholics should modify their drinking for the benefit of the alcoholic. But seriously, his first 30 days and this is what they do? What kind of denial must this "perfect" family be in to think that that is acceptable loving behavior? I am so angry at them!

I do not necessarily want to reconcile with AH, but I do want him to be successful in recovery, and just knowing that his own family thinks nothing of blatantly enabling and encouraging him to destroy his life is just stunning to me. Am I seriously the only person he knows that has an interest in him not killing himself? Unbelievable!

barb dwyer

Hi Sasha -

I think your post brings up a very good point
that maybe many non-drinker types don't know about
but a recovering alcoholic
knows all too well.

Speaking as a recovering alcoholic -

there's ALWAYS the pull... on either side... to join in.

Meaning -

there's a pull from those in recovery
wanting you back in the fold.
(granted it's a GOOD pull, but implied pressure just the same)

then there's the pull
we always get
from those who are still inside the bottle.

Both pulls are very real
and very tempting.

It's all about OUR choice
that makes one pull stronger than the other.

I like how you worded that
because it's very real.

KittyP

I've had a similar experience last week. My mother-in-law rang me and asked how my husband was doing. "Very well," I told her, going on to explain he's lost all desire to drink and is getting through both good and bad times without inclination to drink. This is fantastic news as just 11 months ago my, then 32 year old, husband nearly died of acute liver and kidney failure and went back to drinking heavily almost immediately after being released from hospital despite being told he would certainly die if he didn't stop. We all spent the spring preparing for his death, she often lamented that this would kill her too.

So as expected she was delighted by his ongoing sobriety. After expressing how great she felt about this her tone of voice suddenly changed. "Now, do you think he might have a little glass of wine with Christmas dinner?" she asked. I was speechless and really upset. I suspect she had previously discussed this with both her husband and daughter who probably suggested an alcohol free Christmas dinner this year and she wasn't happy with this so was hoping that I would somehow tell her that actually a booze filled Christmas would be ok.

I just can't get my head around it. If she had asked me how I thought RAH would cope if the rest of the family had wine with Xmas dinner I could have understood it. (I think he'd actually ok now.) But to ask if he could drink is crazy. He nearly died, she has had other close family members die from alcoholism related illness. One this year!

I have come to two conclusions, one is that she just can't disassociate Christmas dinner from having wine and doesn't really think people can have a nice time without alcohol. The other is that she has her own unhealthy reliance on alcohol, which I have occasionally suspected.

Bernadette

Denial from close family members is always astonishing to me, although it shouldn't be as I have lived it up close for my entire life! After my father died, my mother, who knew for years that my brothers were both active alcoholics, would stock up her 2 fridges every Christmas with beer and then wring her hands and lament that she wished they wouldn't drink so much!

Then, the year of one of my bros first real attempt at sobriety/recovery she was setting up for a post-Christmas dinner party and she asked this brother to help her set up the bar and would he be the bartender!? My boyfriend, shocked, went to my bro and said hey if you need help with that I don't mind bartending duties. My brother said "I really, really appreciate that!" and stayed out of the kitchen/bar area all night. He didn't drink that night and he eked out about 6 months of sobriety that year, but he did eventually drink again.

My dad (a recovered A) always said it was his own responsibility whether he had a drink or not and I witnessed several occasions where my dad was being pressured to drink by old drinking buddies or other alcoholic family members and he just kept saying No and got himself a coke or a seltzer. He had chosen recovery.

So while I agree a bit of sensitivity is in order - I also see that the A has to learn how to either say NO, or don't go to events where they think they will be unable to say No. It's part of their recovery and learning to live differently in a world where people all around them drink moderately or alcoholically.

KittyP I hope you told your MIL your opinion! Not surprising if her denial is linked to her own drinking. That is so common.

Alcoholics are surrounded by alcohol everyday, and will be offered drinks for the rest of their lives. It always impressed me to see my dad politely refuse. My brother once told me he felt so self-conscious saying No like everyone would know he must have a drinking problem, and I told him, I say No to drinks all the time if I don't want one! And no one bats an eye - not because I am not an alcoholic but because us normies just are not so alcohol-focused, for non-alcoholics it is normal to say no sometimes!

Recovery is not easy, it is life-changing.

Peace-
B

JenT1968

lots of people really don't understand alcoholism. I know I didn't. It is common to think that a "problem drinker" can after a period of abstinence, control their drinking now. he may have presented himself as someone whose drinking got a little out of control so he's taking it easy for now. they may not be able right now to take in that the son that they basiclly worship is a proper dyed in the wool alcoholic. That may be a loaded term that they will have to come to terms with. Perhaps if he can have one beer he isn't an alcoholic, with all that may mean to them.

plus, you only know what he said he told them about his drinking, and what he said their reaction was. not saying he's lying, but we understand things through our own filter, he's apparently newly sober, which I'm told is a confusing time.

all I'm saying is they aren't necessarily unsuportive of his sobriety.

he's going to have to make his own decision about whether he can cope with the current dynamic with his own family. I wish him luck. either way, no-one elses drinking behaviour will ultimately affect his sobriety decisions.

Summerpeach

I didn't understand addictions when my ex went to AA, I almost condoned him having a beer here and there. I cringe now when I think about it and how little support I actually gave him. But it was not done with bad intent. I really did want the best for him

Unless one is really knowledgable about addictions, it's tough to understand
And since addiction is a "family illness" most member thrive in denial, The addiction can only thrive with the deep denail.

SashaMB

Kitty P, hearing about your MIL also blows my mind! Thank God for your husband's survival, I'm so glad to hear that he is making the choice to recover despite his mom's seeming insanity.

Your 2 conclusions about alcohol being synonymous with a special occasion and the family's own reliance on alcohol really struck me. In retrospect, AH's dad is never without a drink in his hand, including being totally wasted at our rehearsal dinner despite the fact that we had an alcohol-free wedding. (I didn't know AH was an alcoholic at that time, but I personally just didn't want to be around drunkenness at my wedding, so we didn't provide it). I suspect that AH's dad feels better about his own drinking if AH drinks too. In a family that never talks about or acknowledges problems, I suppose this makes perfect sense. I just wonder what in the world it takes to step outside of that and give a hurting family member some support.

meditation

They say that alcohol is a disease of the family. And it makes sense, if the family of origin has raised children and the children take on roles to survive then some members are going to wind up drinkers, some enablers, some codependents.

Some families don't understand that drinking isn't an option for a person in recovery. It's almost like the whole family needs addiction treatment. I know when I was in rehab people were allowed to go home for the holidays and families would bring out the booze and it defies logic. The counselors understood that the entire family is living in the behaviors of active alcoholism some drinking heavily, some not understanding that just a little wine can trigger a full relapse. I am so sorry for all the families and the people trying to free themselves of booze. It does tear families up. My grandparents divorced over alcohol and it's tainted my life. I avoided alcohol but managed to find pills, same awful disease. But there's hope, my choice was I wanted to be free of it. I am free of it now. It's a blessing and my family has been good about not shoving wine drinks or pills under my nose.

Freedom1990

Considering you weren't there personally, I'd take what he tells you with a grain of salt.

As an alcoholic in long-term recovery, I can assure you that if he is serious about recovery, nothing will stand in his way, parents included.

My parents can be toxic so my time with them is very limited.

Your AH is a big boy, and has the capacity to remove himself from a situation if it's interfering with his recovery.

Instead, he chose to stay and then give you the blow by blow of how disgusted he was.

wicked

Exactly! And what happened to free will? Sorry folks, gotta go!

Beth

Ah yes, Sasha, just reread your second response, I was always someones "partner in crime" too.
I had to give it up. Some were uncomfortable with that, tough titty.

Redheadsusie

My AH's family does not acknowledge that after AH ruining 2 familes from drinking and his brother also having severe consequences from his drinking that there is a problem. When they were both trying to remain sober - their whole family made fun of them and told them they were not fun when they did not drink and would continually offer them alcohol. AH's Mom told me once- Don't worry- when they hit 65 or so - the drinking will lighten up." Makes me sick!