stopping resentments from forming
stopping resentments from forming
Hey everyone
So the Tall Editor I "dated" is really getting on my nerves.
I'm very clear that I'm:
on deadline, really, until mid January
I've got one kids birthday in mid December, a newspaper to put out Jan 2 and another due out mid January. Plus the freaking holidays.
He claims to understand I have limited time, says that he is to be used as "stress relief," and doesn't want to create more problems for me, but seriously, he just wants to sleep with me again. I do not feel relieved of stress when I see him on my caller ID, I feel like oh great. Here's someone else who wants something from me.
When he calls I"m annoyed and don't even answer. He listens, patiently, to me talk talk talk about work, about the struggle of the movement (I work in politics) but his intentions are very clear.
This feeling is no longer recipricated. When we first met I had a blast. I was thrilled that someone who was not an A was interested in me, he's smart and very kind and polite. I really liked him. And yes, I"m very sexual, but I"m also getting turned off. I think he's desperate, and that, my Darlings, is not sexy. Now I know what I've looked like so often in the past. It's embarrassing.
I slept with him once. One time mind you. We had fun, thank you, but I'm over this. I like picking his brain for information, but he can also be snippy with me.
So-here's the deal. I am realizing that I build resentments because I don't communicate my boundaries clearly. Me. I do this.
So I need to have that conversation with him. But, should I be blatently honest? I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I am thinking of just saying that I feel stressed out by this relationship.
Seriously, unless he can do the dishes, pack lunches or deliver newspaper 250 miles away, I dont' want to deal with him.
Then I think, am I being selfish? No. Answer: no. I would be selfish to string him along, that's all.
but the gist of this post is realizing that stuffing my feelings, refusing to state clear boundaries create the resentment I feel towards others. Then I get all mad and drama BS sets in. "Oh what should I do??" (Places hand to forehead....)
Come on Transform. Grow up and just tell the guy.
So the Tall Editor I "dated" is really getting on my nerves.
I'm very clear that I'm:
on deadline, really, until mid January
I've got one kids birthday in mid December, a newspaper to put out Jan 2 and another due out mid January. Plus the freaking holidays.
He claims to understand I have limited time, says that he is to be used as "stress relief," and doesn't want to create more problems for me, but seriously, he just wants to sleep with me again. I do not feel relieved of stress when I see him on my caller ID, I feel like oh great. Here's someone else who wants something from me.
When he calls I"m annoyed and don't even answer. He listens, patiently, to me talk talk talk about work, about the struggle of the movement (I work in politics) but his intentions are very clear.
This feeling is no longer recipricated. When we first met I had a blast. I was thrilled that someone who was not an A was interested in me, he's smart and very kind and polite. I really liked him. And yes, I"m very sexual, but I"m also getting turned off. I think he's desperate, and that, my Darlings, is not sexy. Now I know what I've looked like so often in the past. It's embarrassing.
I slept with him once. One time mind you. We had fun, thank you, but I'm over this. I like picking his brain for information, but he can also be snippy with me.
So-here's the deal. I am realizing that I build resentments because I don't communicate my boundaries clearly. Me. I do this.
So I need to have that conversation with him. But, should I be blatently honest? I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I am thinking of just saying that I feel stressed out by this relationship.
Seriously, unless he can do the dishes, pack lunches or deliver newspaper 250 miles away, I dont' want to deal with him.
Then I think, am I being selfish? No. Answer: no. I would be selfish to string him along, that's all.
but the gist of this post is realizing that stuffing my feelings, refusing to state clear boundaries create the resentment I feel towards others. Then I get all mad and drama BS sets in. "Oh what should I do??" (Places hand to forehead....)
Come on Transform. Grow up and just tell the guy.
Last edited by transformyself; 12-04-2010 at 01:50 PM. Reason: delete replicated words
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
oh, I get that "and what do you want?!?!" attitude when I am stressed. Like they should know by some miracle process not to call me that even seeing the name on the caller id feels like another demand.
For me...I prefer,...I am sorry but I am not going to be good company until I get these things out of the way. Would you mind calling on January 4th and we can chat then?
Afternoon would be best for me.
LOL
It works Transformie!
I am good at juggling dates..and have been juggled. hahahahaha
You do want to continue to work with him and you are overstressed. Why not put it off for now?
For me...I prefer,...I am sorry but I am not going to be good company until I get these things out of the way. Would you mind calling on January 4th and we can chat then?
Afternoon would be best for me.
LOL
It works Transformie!
I am good at juggling dates..and have been juggled. hahahahaha
You do want to continue to work with him and you are overstressed. Why not put it off for now?
It's clear that you don't have any interest in the guy so why not cut him loose? Remember, men just disappear without a backward glance.
Here's what I'd do .... next time he calls say "this just isn't working out." Wish him good luck if you want to be generous, but nothing more than this. That says it all and you don't owe him anymore than this. No is a complete sentence.
Here's what I'd do .... next time he calls say "this just isn't working out." Wish him good luck if you want to be generous, but nothing more than this. That says it all and you don't owe him anymore than this. No is a complete sentence.
Yeah you don't want to start resenting him but for me once that resentment train has left the station, it usually is a one way trip.
That 'stress relief' thing is kinda creepy. It means he just wants to have sex. That is how I would hear it at least. I got into a situation like that but it left me feeling empty and resentful. Good for you for keeping him distant.
He sounds persistent though so I would talk to him and maybe just say you thought about the situation and it really isn't something you are looking for right now. I'm sure you arent the first one to tell him that. I bet it is his pattern with women.
bb
That 'stress relief' thing is kinda creepy. It means he just wants to have sex. That is how I would hear it at least. I got into a situation like that but it left me feeling empty and resentful. Good for you for keeping him distant.
He sounds persistent though so I would talk to him and maybe just say you thought about the situation and it really isn't something you are looking for right now. I'm sure you arent the first one to tell him that. I bet it is his pattern with women.
bb
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
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Transform...you know me well enough to know that I find this highly entertaining.
There were times in my life where I was really too busy with other goals and things to want a "RELATIONSHIP" but I still liked being able to date, have male "friends with benefits" and etc.
In your shoes right now I would say to myself I am really stressed and I am not at my best and I may want to re-visit this later and even if I don't well, whatever..but today I need to remember I am still going to be dealing with this person in my work and community so I need to come up with a face-saving way to handle it with grace.
That second head of his is probably feeling some ego damage, y'know?
It is the male equilvalent of the woman's crying over him not calling the next day..or two weeks later..or ever.
I think it best if you find a way to calm yourself, do your stuff and step back so that you can objectively evaluate the course of action that will have the best outcome.
There were times in my life where I was really too busy with other goals and things to want a "RELATIONSHIP" but I still liked being able to date, have male "friends with benefits" and etc.
In your shoes right now I would say to myself I am really stressed and I am not at my best and I may want to re-visit this later and even if I don't well, whatever..but today I need to remember I am still going to be dealing with this person in my work and community so I need to come up with a face-saving way to handle it with grace.
That second head of his is probably feeling some ego damage, y'know?
It is the male equilvalent of the woman's crying over him not calling the next day..or two weeks later..or ever.
I think it best if you find a way to calm yourself, do your stuff and step back so that you can objectively evaluate the course of action that will have the best outcome.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
men disappearing without a backwards glance is a huge generalization.
some do and some try to look over your shoulder for a very long time.
This is made more touchy because of your business communities being intertwined.
You don't want to negatively impact your professional life either.
Remeber, whatever you say..if you can say it with humor, that always helps.
some do and some try to look over your shoulder for a very long time.
This is made more touchy because of your business communities being intertwined.
You don't want to negatively impact your professional life either.
Remeber, whatever you say..if you can say it with humor, that always helps.
I want a blow up doll too.
Live thank you for affirming me. I didn't even think about potential negative implications professionally. I just assume everyone will act like adults. Is that naive of me?
One of the things I like about him is that he is very professional, as a journalist. I walk the advocate/journalism line that most steer clear of. Guess that's true of a few things..
I just feel pressured by him, so I'm avoiding him right now. I know that's not good (is it?) I see it as unkind, to not respond when I had been, but he knows I"m freaking busy too. I've been telling him that.
Live thank you for affirming me. I didn't even think about potential negative implications professionally. I just assume everyone will act like adults. Is that naive of me?
One of the things I like about him is that he is very professional, as a journalist. I walk the advocate/journalism line that most steer clear of. Guess that's true of a few things..
I just feel pressured by him, so I'm avoiding him right now. I know that's not good (is it?) I see it as unkind, to not respond when I had been, but he knows I"m freaking busy too. I've been telling him that.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
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oh, wow, Transform. Yeah, that is naive. I am sorry to say that to you..but you simply would NOT believe some of the horror stories I can bear witness to! Amongst the old crowd I used to work in. I know of two very successful people's careers being ruined.
And I have been offered huge money jobs and an apt for being involved with someone who will promote me in my field. Twice. I didn't do that. I am not a prostitute. Now, I am just broke! LOL
Yes, this is an area that needs to be tread carefully. I am not trying to frighten you but just telling you that you can't let your feelings alone guide your words.
You have told him you were busy. So, for now...not answering the phone is backing up that boundary.
and you do sound pretty stressed. and what time of the month is it for you? I finally learned not to make decisions during the week before my period when I am highly charged.
And I have been offered huge money jobs and an apt for being involved with someone who will promote me in my field. Twice. I didn't do that. I am not a prostitute. Now, I am just broke! LOL
Yes, this is an area that needs to be tread carefully. I am not trying to frighten you but just telling you that you can't let your feelings alone guide your words.
You have told him you were busy. So, for now...not answering the phone is backing up that boundary.
and you do sound pretty stressed. and what time of the month is it for you? I finally learned not to make decisions during the week before my period when I am highly charged.
Transform,
I believe if you are feeling pressured, you are being pressured, and you dont need no teenage hormones trying to dictate your spare time. You have important work to do for YOU.
Yeah, it might seem strange that an adult male can get the white madness, but if it has been a while and he liked it, well, oddly enough he figures it's his, in a way. This is my shorthand of what I have experienced.
He knows you are busy, but he is not hearing that.
Boundaries, woman. you know the deal.
And, I am bored and will play with him awhile, since I have no blow ups.
You are doing freakin fantastic with this, keep it up, I am learning much from my Native American woman.
Beth
:ghug3
I believe if you are feeling pressured, you are being pressured, and you dont need no teenage hormones trying to dictate your spare time. You have important work to do for YOU.
Yeah, it might seem strange that an adult male can get the white madness, but if it has been a while and he liked it, well, oddly enough he figures it's his, in a way. This is my shorthand of what I have experienced.
He knows you are busy, but he is not hearing that.
Boundaries, woman. you know the deal.
And, I am bored and will play with him awhile, since I have no blow ups.
You are doing freakin fantastic with this, keep it up, I am learning much from my Native American woman.
Beth
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Power guys tend to operate on a succeed/fail paradigm.
Success in business is often closely tied to success with women.
They often don't take failure entirely gracefully...especially with women and rejection.
Success in business is often closely tied to success with women.
They often don't take failure entirely gracefully...especially with women and rejection.
We still need blow ups for that pig pickin live!
does your man know how to roast a pig?
or better yet, can you do it?
LOL
yes! succeed/fail.....nothing in between.
and therefore tough to discuss.
yep.
i love you warrior woman, take care of yourself an your business,
you are on a mission (or maybe in the native way instead of the military way, you are on a quest!)
keep doing what you do, you are making a difference.
please pm me when you can transform.
Beth
does your man know how to roast a pig?
or better yet, can you do it?
LOL
yes! succeed/fail.....nothing in between.
and therefore tough to discuss.
yep.
i love you warrior woman, take care of yourself an your business,
you are on a mission (or maybe in the native way instead of the military way, you are on a quest!)
keep doing what you do, you are making a difference.
please pm me when you can transform.
Beth
Live- please let me clarify my situation is completly different than you think it is.
We do not work together. We are collegues in a state wide industry. We might never physically see each other again if we don't make a point of it. Our paths don't cross.
I'm not afraid of this guy in any way. I have my reputation that stands on it's own merit. I own and edit my own newspaper! It's fail or succeed in a very public way lemme tell ya...
We do not work together. We are collegues in a state wide industry. We might never physically see each other again if we don't make a point of it. Our paths don't cross.
I'm not afraid of this guy in any way. I have my reputation that stands on it's own merit. I own and edit my own newspaper! It's fail or succeed in a very public way lemme tell ya...
transformie,
it seems clear from where i'm sittin, that you have an idea in your head, and when he doesn't "respect" what you'd like, you get annoyed. well, who wouldn't?
but the prob, is that he doesn't know it.
i think maybe you have a boundary set up in your own head and sort of somehow expect him to know it, or sense it, or just feel the same as you do!
i know i have spent a lot of energy starting on a resentment toward someone who didn't even violate a boundary! i had so much tension in my body when i just expected the other person - usually my spouse - to act the way i wanted him to!
and...i'd like to answer the question you started with:
a story ~
last weekend, N.L.I. and i started the "dragon tatoo" movie. we had been wanting to watch it for about two months, and finally got the thing in the dvd player. problem was, it was late. after about 20 minutes, he whispers into my drifting ear, "hey, you're falling asleep, and i wanna watch this with you, so i'm gonna turn it off and we'll save it." i say "ok" roll over and fall asleep.
next day, i get a text: dinner and "tatoo" later? i reply that i'm in for the night, gonna unwind with a hot bath and some computer time, but thank you.
the next night, he says, "you're gonna be mad at me". "why?" "cuz i watched over half of the movie". i am walking into my al-anon meeting, full of happiness and serenity, so i say, "oh, that's ok. i'm not mad. just save the rest for me."
when i get to his house later, there's five minutes left of the movie. so...i'm irritated.
the next day, he writes, "the movie is GREAT, hurry up and watch it so we can get the second one". but now i realize i am upset over this, so i write back "nope. bad memory for me now, babe. can't watch it."
well, the way this long-ish story ends, is that another day later, i'm at his house. i say, "i said i wasn't mad about the movie but i changed my mind. the last thing you said before i fell asleep on saturday was that you would save it. we have been planning on watching that together for WEEKS. why did you watch it w/out me? why would you do that, especially after what you said?" he said he didn't really put much thought into it, except that he wanted to see it, it was sitting there by the tv, it was already two weeks overdue, etc. i told him i thought perhaps he was ticked that i didn't come over. he insisted that he wasn't ticked, and that he doesn't operate like that. i said "hmmmm".
we talked about it for about 10 minutes.
the point is, i realized later that night, that i wasn't upset anymore. at all.
i realized that when you state your feelings about something, and your words are listened to and respected, that much of those bad feelings dissapate.
expressing yourself is crucial. it keeps drunks sober, and co-dependents less anxious.
have a talk with him, transform. your perspective about him might change with some distance, boundary-setting, and time to take care of other things for awhile.
it seems clear from where i'm sittin, that you have an idea in your head, and when he doesn't "respect" what you'd like, you get annoyed. well, who wouldn't?
but the prob, is that he doesn't know it.
i think maybe you have a boundary set up in your own head and sort of somehow expect him to know it, or sense it, or just feel the same as you do!
i know i have spent a lot of energy starting on a resentment toward someone who didn't even violate a boundary! i had so much tension in my body when i just expected the other person - usually my spouse - to act the way i wanted him to!
and...i'd like to answer the question you started with:
a story ~
last weekend, N.L.I. and i started the "dragon tatoo" movie. we had been wanting to watch it for about two months, and finally got the thing in the dvd player. problem was, it was late. after about 20 minutes, he whispers into my drifting ear, "hey, you're falling asleep, and i wanna watch this with you, so i'm gonna turn it off and we'll save it." i say "ok" roll over and fall asleep.
next day, i get a text: dinner and "tatoo" later? i reply that i'm in for the night, gonna unwind with a hot bath and some computer time, but thank you.
the next night, he says, "you're gonna be mad at me". "why?" "cuz i watched over half of the movie". i am walking into my al-anon meeting, full of happiness and serenity, so i say, "oh, that's ok. i'm not mad. just save the rest for me."
when i get to his house later, there's five minutes left of the movie. so...i'm irritated.
the next day, he writes, "the movie is GREAT, hurry up and watch it so we can get the second one". but now i realize i am upset over this, so i write back "nope. bad memory for me now, babe. can't watch it."
well, the way this long-ish story ends, is that another day later, i'm at his house. i say, "i said i wasn't mad about the movie but i changed my mind. the last thing you said before i fell asleep on saturday was that you would save it. we have been planning on watching that together for WEEKS. why did you watch it w/out me? why would you do that, especially after what you said?" he said he didn't really put much thought into it, except that he wanted to see it, it was sitting there by the tv, it was already two weeks overdue, etc. i told him i thought perhaps he was ticked that i didn't come over. he insisted that he wasn't ticked, and that he doesn't operate like that. i said "hmmmm".
we talked about it for about 10 minutes.
the point is, i realized later that night, that i wasn't upset anymore. at all.
i realized that when you state your feelings about something, and your words are listened to and respected, that much of those bad feelings dissapate.
expressing yourself is crucial. it keeps drunks sober, and co-dependents less anxious.
have a talk with him, transform. your perspective about him might change with some distance, boundary-setting, and time to take care of other things for awhile.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
okay...I knew you were independent with your business..but I thought you all showed up at alot of the same meetings, shindigs, etc.
I have seen people blackball others for pure personal reasons and still be smelling like the rose in their industry.
One recent incident with two people I used to work with (we were independents too..but worked out of the same offices) just came to mind and gave me the heebie-jeebies....he spent a year setting her up to be ousted because she had been sleeping with him and tried to end it, denying him once. He had promised her a future until retirement if she went along with it before.
Another good friend and good person lost his career from a woman he loved and built a house for and she broke up with him and then because he was higher up the totem pole...he lost his job for "sexual harassment" even tho' everyone knew and testified that it was consensual and etc.
Lots of power games.
One of the guys who told me he couldn't wait for me to be gone (because I wasn't the little woman type and too happily independent and single) did manage to get me an early lay off. You can't imagine how big I grinned when he was later fired on the spot because Tech traced him looking at porn on the company computer. (He was a very "Christian" man..as he promoted himself to be.) heck, I still smile.
sorry for projecting my own stuff!
I have seen people blackball others for pure personal reasons and still be smelling like the rose in their industry.
One recent incident with two people I used to work with (we were independents too..but worked out of the same offices) just came to mind and gave me the heebie-jeebies....he spent a year setting her up to be ousted because she had been sleeping with him and tried to end it, denying him once. He had promised her a future until retirement if she went along with it before.
Another good friend and good person lost his career from a woman he loved and built a house for and she broke up with him and then because he was higher up the totem pole...he lost his job for "sexual harassment" even tho' everyone knew and testified that it was consensual and etc.
Lots of power games.
One of the guys who told me he couldn't wait for me to be gone (because I wasn't the little woman type and too happily independent and single) did manage to get me an early lay off. You can't imagine how big I grinned when he was later fired on the spot because Tech traced him looking at porn on the company computer. (He was a very "Christian" man..as he promoted himself to be.) heck, I still smile.
sorry for projecting my own stuff!
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